BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

NP here. Grown adult women should not be planning weeklong celebrations around their birthday. Sure, it's lovely that your kids want to come have a nice dinner. The "lavish" party should never have been planned in the first place. Who in their right mind forces people to celebrate their birthdays with them? I find it so offputting.

You’re so weird. Literally everyone I know celebrates their birthdays. We should be looking for more reasons to celebrate, not fewer.

With "lavish" parties? No. Close friends getting together when it's convenient? Sure. I guess I just don't hang with self-centered people. We're all pretty chill and have incredibly full, busy lives. No time for "lavish" parties for everyone's birthdays.

If your life is that full, you probably can’t go to Australia without that much notice. Love that you’re dragging OP for being self-centered but not the BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has said cost is not an issue. She also hasn’t raised any issues about her or her DH’s jobs.

The only substantive issue is the cost of travel that OP’s kids/brother may have incurred to travel for her second bday celebration. It would be rude to cancel on them if they cannot recoup their travel costs.

Otherwise, we just have two grown-ups behaving like small children who aren’t getting exactly what they want exactly when they want it.

OP stays home and celebrates herself and DH goes to the wedding.

Also, agree with previous suggestion that OP facilitate some form of participation in the wedding/reception for her FIL. It would be beneficial for her to do something for someone else.

No, her husband can do this if it’s a priority.

Her DH will be in Australia.

Welp…too bad.

This reaction fits exactly with what we know of OP’s character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Or their birthdays(which happen annually, vs. Even the twice, in a lifetime)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

And FIL is pushing for his nuclear family to be together. Unsurprising. Weird to call it misogynistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Or their birthdays(which happen annually, vs. Even the twice, in a lifetime)

Eh, an invitation is not a summons as posters here have repeatedly informed us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

And which people expect multiple bday celebrations costing $$.

She’s not demanding that BIL and the entire extended family drop their plans and fly across the world to attend her birthday, dimwit. Thanks for proving my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

this !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the BIL was that concerned about having family present at the wedding then he could have arranged a date that would suitably accommodate everyone. It’s not like he’s shipping out to war the day after. In the words of Elaine Benes this is an unvitation.

Absolutely this. There is no extenuating circumstance like deployment or a family medical diagnosis or something compelling this wedding to suddenly happen. People who value others being able to attend provide notice, especially for travel. If the BIL wants to randomly do this, he is entitled to do so but no one else needs to bend their life around it.

BIL picked the date suddenly to coordinate with the other brother’s previously-planned trip.

People complaining about the big birthday party for OP sound jealous. Some people celebrate milestones in this way, and she also said her husband was the driver behind it. I agree with the PP who said we need more reasons to celebrate!

If it wasn’t her birthday and instead she had already planned a weekend for all her kids to get together, and the kids bought plane tickets and arranged things, would people be answering differently?

BIL sounds like he has main character syndrome. Adults plan in advance. Adults who expect people to travel around the world for a wedding plan in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

this !

+100

If husband really wants to go he can go solo, but 4 weeks notice for Australia? they should expect many declines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

And which people expect multiple bday celebrations costing $$.

She’s not demanding that BIL and the entire extended family drop their plans and fly across the world to attend her birthday, dimwit. Thanks for proving my point.

Did I say she was? She is throwing herself a “lavish” party and the special dinner.

Nice name-calling, btw.

DH should go if he wants to. OP should not go if she doesn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

And which people expect multiple bday celebrations costing $$.

She’s not demanding that BIL and the entire extended family drop their plans and fly across the world to attend her birthday, dimwit. Thanks for proving my point.

Did I say she was? She is throwing herself a “lavish” party and the special dinner.

Nice name-calling, btw.

DH should go if he wants to. OP should not go if she doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t seem keen, but to listen to some of you one would think OP had him locked in cage to prevent him from going. And OP can throw herself whatever kind of party she wants. What’s wrong with that? Her nuclear family seems happy to attend and how is that any of other people’s business? Name calling is certainly justified here.

[Anonymous]

OP's family already has plans. She doesn't need to give an excuse, plans are plans and multiple parties have already committed to those plans.
BIL is expecting everyone to change their plans for his last minute event.
Who does that?

[Anonymous]

No, regardless of what is going on at home, I am not traveling to the other side of the world for a wedding and come back the same week. They need to plan ahead so I can spend at least 2-3 weeks there doing some traveling. And that can't be arranged with 4 weeks notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's family already has plans. She doesn't need to give an excuse, plans are plans and multiple parties have already committed to those plans.
BIL is expecting everyone to change their plans for his last minute event.
Who does that?

Rude, entitled man child.

[Anonymous]

Why would a second time wedding more important than OP seeing her children?