Daughter gets hit on at work - solutions?

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I’m the poster who another poster is screaming at claiming that I’m a pervert and monster. I’ve calmly been surfing the web to gather rational thoughts on this and basically have gathered this:

From a legal standpoint, it is without question not harassment for a customer to politely ask a server on a one time basis for her phone number. If the customer persists following a “no”, however, it absolutely is harassment.

But, harassment or not, it’s still not considered appropriate even to ask for the phone number on a one time basis. It’s awkward and puts the server in a bad position. Instead, as I now see was just suggested above, the recommendation is for the customer to leave his phone number at the table with an invitation for the server to contact him if she is interested.

This all makes a lot of sense to me.

[Anonymous]

This is bad parenting. She should be working at the local country club serving ice cream.

[Anonymous]

She needs another job, pronto. She should quit today. That’s not a good environment for her, getting harassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know more. First, how old is the kid? Second, how exactly is she being "hit on" besides being asked for her number? Third, how old are the guys who are doing the hitting on/number asking? Finally, how often is this happening?

Depending on these answers, the range of responses could be anywhere from "this is disgusting, she needs to quit NOW" to "she's not cut out to be a server and needs to quit now."

Women shouldn't need to quit, they should be able to feel safe doing their job.

Depends on the answers to my questions. If we're talking about a 16 year old who can't handle another 16 year old asking for her number while she's a server not feeling "safe," then she's the problem. She needs to find another job where she can feel "safe."

I have an irrational fear of heights. That doesn't mean that the operators of a toll bridge with the collection booth on top are obligated to make me feel "safe" up there. It just means I have to work somewhere else.

Wrong. All women, and really, all people, should be safe from harassment at their job. This is not appropriate behavior. It doesnt matter her age or the age of people harassing her. It's inappropriate and should not be happening. Your bizarre claim that it's ok in some certain circumstances is flat out wrong.

So someone asking you for a date or your number is now consider harassment? That's insane.
Being insistent, or touching, sure.

This is in tween teen forum. They don’t ask for cell numbers or dates, you fking dweeb! They ask what their @ are for Snapchat, maybe Instagram. They snap or DM. The only time teens share cell# is if they’re in a familiar group setting. Texting is the last hurdle for contact. Usually when they’re all in a friend group. Young men don’t ask someone out for a date!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know more. First, how old is the kid? Second, how exactly is she being "hit on" besides being asked for her number? Third, how old are the guys who are doing the hitting on/number asking? Finally, how often is this happening?

Depending on these answers, the range of responses could be anywhere from "this is disgusting, she needs to quit NOW" to "she's not cut out to be a server and needs to quit now."

Women shouldn't need to quit, they should be able to feel safe doing their job.

Depends on the answers to my questions. If we're talking about a 16 year old who can't handle another 16 year old asking for her number while she's a server not feeling "safe," then she's the problem. She needs to find another job where she can feel "safe."

I have an irrational fear of heights. That doesn't mean that the operators of a toll bridge with the collection booth on top are obligated to make me feel "safe" up there. It just means I have to work somewhere else.

Wrong. All women, and really, all people, should be safe from harassment at their job. This is not appropriate behavior. It doesnt matter her age or the age of people harassing her. It's inappropriate and should not be happening. Your bizarre claim that it's ok in some certain circumstances is flat out wrong.

So someone asking you for a date or your number is now consider harassment? That's insane.
Being insistent, or touching, sure.

This is in tween teen forum. They don’t ask for cell numbers or dates, you fking dweeb! They ask what their @ are for Snapchat, maybe Instagram. They snap or DM. The only time teens share cell# is if they’re in a familiar group setting. Texting is the last hurdle for contact. Usually when they’re all in a friend group. Young men don’t ask someone out for a date!

Proper young men definitely ask people for their number if they’re interested. Sorry you didn’t raise a proper son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t have a societal norm and expectation that men have to make the first move, show interest first and make the connection and then also get mad when they do. If men only showed interest in women who have already explicitly invited that interest there would be a lot of single women in the world. Outside of online dating, it is almost always men asking for numbers and making a move.

But the waitress is not someone who is searching for a romantic partner—she's someone trying to find out if you want pancakes. It's not appropriate to ask your boss for a date, the police officer who just pulled you over or the garbage man while he hoists your bin. Let waitresses find out if you want pancakes without hassling them. If you see someone, in an appropriate environment, like a party, bar or other social event, then you can ask them—whether it's your teacher, the cop who pulled you over, the garbageman or your waitress from the pancake house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I’m the poster who another poster is screaming at claiming that I’m a pervert and monster. I’ve calmly been surfing the web to gather rational thoughts on this and basically have gathered this:

From a legal standpoint, it is without question not harassment for a customer to politely ask a server on a one time basis for her phone number. If the customer persists following a “no”, however, it absolutely is harassment.

But, harassment or not, it’s still not considered appropriate even to ask for the phone number on a one time basis. It’s awkward and puts the server in a bad position. Instead, as I now see was just suggested above, the recommendation is for the customer to leave his phone number at the table with an invitation for the server to contact him if she is interested.

This all makes a lot of sense to me.

Love this. Would love to see a world where "ask for her number bro!" is replaced with "give her your number".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP, so if a boy/man is interested in a waitress, what should he do?
1. He should never be interested in a waitress?
2. He should wait until she gets off work and then ask her for her number?
3. Ask her while he is there or right before he leaves?

Because surely you all can't be saying that men cannot approach women they see and show interest. Young people are already not coupling and that would just make it worse. And most of the day in public, someone is working, either the man or the woman. Just...based on statistics and hours of the day

If a boy/man is interested in a waitress, then he should ask a few questions like where she goes to school and see if she is also interested.

If you are a grown man, and she responds with a high school, then conversation over. If she doesn’t really respond like she is interested, then conversation over. If it seems like she is actively running away from you, then stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I’m the poster who another poster is screaming at claiming that I’m a pervert and monster. I’ve calmly been surfing the web to gather rational thoughts on this and basically have gathered this:

From a legal standpoint, it is without question not harassment for a customer to politely ask a server on a one time basis for her phone number. If the customer persists following a “no”, however, it absolutely is harassment.

But, harassment or not, it’s still not considered appropriate even to ask for the phone number on a one time basis. It’s awkward and puts the server in a bad position. Instead, as I now see was just suggested above, the recommendation is for the customer to leave his phone number at the table with an invitation for the server to contact him if she is interested.

This all makes a lot of sense to me.

This seems great!

[Anonymous]

I wonder if all of the responses would be the same if you switched the genders and a teenage boy was constantly getting hit on by a bunch of older men while he was at work. Would these guys saying that it’s fine still be saying that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know more. First, how old is the kid? Second, how exactly is she being "hit on" besides being asked for her number? Third, how old are the guys who are doing the hitting on/number asking? Finally, how often is this happening?

Depending on these answers, the range of responses could be anywhere from "this is disgusting, she needs to quit NOW" to "she's not cut out to be a server and needs to quit now."

Women shouldn't need to quit, they should be able to feel safe doing their job.

Depends on the answers to my questions. If we're talking about a 16 year old who can't handle another 16 year old asking for her number while she's a server not feeling "safe," then she's the problem. She needs to find another job where she can feel "safe."

I have an irrational fear of heights. That doesn't mean that the operators of a toll bridge with the collection booth on top are obligated to make me feel "safe" up there. It just means I have to work somewhere else.

Please stop hitting on girls/women just trying to do their job. Your questions are irrelevant.

I have daughters. I'm not saying this SHOULD happen. I think it's gross. But that doesn't necessarily make it harassment per se. I think context matters here just like everywhere else.

We're a tipping culture. You may not like it, but it is what it is. If you can't provide service with a smile and allow some gentle banter, then your tips are going to suffer and the job might not be for you. Yes, on occasion you're going to have to deal with some idiot who's socially awkward who misinterprets things and does something stupid like ask for your number. That, in itself, is not harassment. It just isn't. At least not in every instance and under all circumstances. If you can't help but get flustered over any kind of flirting by any customer when you're a server, to the point that it effects how you work (as OP says it is for her daughter), well, then maybe it's just not the job for you. If more than that is going on consistently, then yes there's a problem.

That's why I said we need context. If you can't understand such a thing as nuance or context, then there's no dealing with you. No one, least of all me, is saying that a young woman server has to put up with any bullshit that an idiot customer dishes out.

Except it does. Simple as that. Your denial of reality or trying to change the definition of a word because you dont like it just simply doesnt matter.

Then I guess every woman who has ever dated any man she's met at work is an unknowing victim of sexual harassment.

Are you truly this simple? This incapable of nuance?

Meeting a man at work isn't a problem. Having your compensation determined by a man who wants to get in your pants IS.

POWER IMBALANCE. If there's a power imbalance, it's harassment. If you're the customer and she's working for your tip, and your satisfaction with her performance has anything to do with her reaction to your inappropriate come-ons, rather than with the efficiency of the food delivery and the frequency of the refills, you are harassing her.

I didn't know that whenever a man asks a woman for her phone number it automatically means he wants to "get into your pants." Sorry. My bad.

Yeah, what about the many, many guys who just want to hold hands? Or drink one milkshake together out of two straws? That's what most men's goal is when asking for a woman's number, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t have a societal norm and expectation that men have to make the first move, show interest first and make the connection and then also get mad when they do. If men only showed interest in women who have already explicitly invited that interest there would be a lot of single women in the world. Outside of online dating, it is almost always men asking for numbers and making a move.

But the waitress is not someone who is searching for a romantic partner—she's someone trying to find out if you want pancakes. It's not appropriate to ask your boss for a date, the police officer who just pulled you over or the garbage man while he hoists your bin. Let waitresses find out if you want pancakes without hassling them. If you see someone, in an appropriate environment, like a party, bar or other social event, then you can ask them—whether it's your teacher, the cop who pulled you over, the garbageman or your waitress from the pancake house.

How does one know that a woman is searching for a romantic partner? That would be great if there was a clear indicator that says, hit on me.

I don’t think it’s appropriate necessarily but I am sure there are plenty of meet cute stories of customers and waitresses and happily ever after. One of my cousins married a flight attendant he hit on during a flight (working and no indicator of interest), my friend married a guy who was the tow truck driver who came after she crashed her car. Again he was at work. I also know other couples who met when one was at work or where there were no clear neon lights of single and looking to mingle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know more. First, how old is the kid? Second, how exactly is she being "hit on" besides being asked for her number? Third, how old are the guys who are doing the hitting on/number asking? Finally, how often is this happening?

Depending on these answers, the range of responses could be anywhere from "this is disgusting, she needs to quit NOW" to "she's not cut out to be a server and needs to quit now."

Women shouldn't need to quit, they should be able to feel safe doing their job.

Depends on the answers to my questions. If we're talking about a 16 year old who can't handle another 16 year old asking for her number while she's a server not feeling "safe," then she's the problem. She needs to find another job where she can feel "safe."

I have an irrational fear of heights. That doesn't mean that the operators of a toll bridge with the collection booth on top are obligated to make me feel "safe" up there. It just means I have to work somewhere else.

Wrong. All women, and really, all people, should be safe from harassment at their job. This is not appropriate behavior. It doesnt matter her age or the age of people harassing her. It's inappropriate and should not be happening. Your bizarre claim that it's ok in some certain circumstances is flat out wrong.

So someone asking you for a date or your number is now consider harassment? That's insane.
Being insistent, or touching, sure.

This is in tween teen forum. They don’t ask for cell numbers or dates, you fking dweeb! They ask what their @ are for Snapchat, maybe Instagram. They snap or DM. The only time teens share cell# is if they’re in a familiar group setting. Texting is the last hurdle for contact. Usually when they’re all in a friend group. Young men don’t ask someone out for a date!

Proper young men definitely ask people for their number if they’re interested. Sorry you didn’t raise a proper son.

No they do not, especially when it’s a 17 year old waitress. My 22 year old son could teach you a thing or two hundred things.

[Anonymous]

No one has explained why lifeguard and babysitter are better than waitress for a teen.

Waitresses are fully clothed, in public, and not responsible for anyone's life or safety.

Please explain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t have a societal norm and expectation that men have to make the first move, show interest first and make the connection and then also get mad when they do. If men only showed interest in women who have already explicitly invited that interest there would be a lot of single women in the world. Outside of online dating, it is almost always men asking for numbers and making a move.

But the waitress is not someone who is searching for a romantic partner—she's someone trying to find out if you want pancakes. It's not appropriate to ask your boss for a date, the police officer who just pulled you over or the garbage man while he hoists your bin. Let waitresses find out if you want pancakes without hassling them. If you see someone, in an appropriate environment, like a party, bar or other social event, then you can ask them—whether it's your teacher, the cop who pulled you over, the garbageman or your waitress from the pancake house.

How does one know that a woman is searching for a romantic partner? That would be great if there was a clear indicator that says, hit on me.

I don’t think it’s appropriate necessarily but I am sure there are plenty of meet cute stories of customers and waitresses and happily ever after. One of my cousins married a flight attendant he hit on during a flight (working and no indicator of interest), my friend married a guy who was the tow truck driver who came after she crashed her car. Again he was at work. I also know other couples who met when one was at work or where there were no clear neon lights of single and looking to mingle.

Here's a hint: if your target is captive to you because of their work, it's a bad idea.

The waitress was assigned to your table. She's not trying to eff everyone who is seated in her section. If she is, she can let you know. Don't make her job harder.

If your friend was happy hitting on the tow truck driver, that was her choice—if he had pursued her, it would've been a different story.