No sex drive and dh and I argue over it constantly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and feeling this too. It’s not that my libido is absent, it’s that he wants sex daily and I just can’t. I’m ok with weekly, but compromise and it generally happens twice per week. It’s not that I don’t like it- but I’m tired. By the time kids are put to bed, the house cleaned up, lunches and breakfast prepped for the next day, and I’m finely climbing into bed. The last thing I want to do is sex. Especially when he has already been in deep sleep for hours- it’s like he has a sixth sense when I climb into bed, no matter how quiet I am. I’m looking forward to when his drive takes a hit.

This doesn’t sound sustainable. It sounds like you and your DH are setting up to be the OP in the situation in the next 5 to 7 years. You posting exactly what she posted. It’s a recipe for resentment from you. It might be fine now, but 2, 3, five more years of this might not be OK.

Men also need to realize they need to give something for women to want, to crave. It needs to be a pleasurable experience or it’s just going through the motions - that’s simply not sustainable.

Yes, the "going through the motions" sex issue is a big one that men don't always seem to understand. I think men sometimes view sex like taking a shower -- just part of a healthy, everyday routine. And I was fine with that conception when I was in my 30s.

But now, mid 40s, the issue is that I only get so much down time. Between work, kids, household obligations, and taking care of my health, I get maaaaybe and hour each evening to relax and do what I want to do. If you want me to spend some of that time on sex, it can't just be routine sex with nothing in it for me -- no foreplay, no intimacy, no physical sensations that actually feel tender or rewarding for me. Sex with no tenderness, at my age, is work. Well I already have two jobs (my actual job and then being a mom). I don't need another job as, essentially, a sex worker servicing my husband's hard on. He can take care of that himself. If you want me to spent some of my very precious, rare down time on sex instead of reading a book, working on an art project, watching a really good TV show, taking a really luxurious long shower, etc., it needs to be something other than "going through the motions." I quite literally do not have time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s and feeling this too. It’s not that my libido is absent, it’s that he wants sex daily and I just can’t. I’m ok with weekly, but compromise and it generally happens twice per week. It’s not that I don’t like it- but I’m tired. By the time kids are put to bed, the house cleaned up, lunches and breakfast prepped for the next day, and I’m finely climbing into bed. The last thing I want to do is sex. Especially when he has already been in deep sleep for hours- it’s like he has a sixth sense when I climb into bed, no matter how quiet I am. I’m looking forward to when his drive takes a hit.

This doesn’t sound sustainable. It sounds like you and your DH are setting up to be the OP in the situation in the next 5 to 7 years. You posting exactly what she posted. It’s a recipe for resentment from you. It might be fine now, but 2, 3, five more years of this might not be OK.

Men also need to realize they need to give something for women to want, to crave. It needs to be a pleasurable experience or it’s just going through the motions - that’s simply not sustainable.

Yes, the "going through the motions" sex issue is a big one that men don't always seem to understand. I think men sometimes view sex like taking a shower -- just part of a healthy, everyday routine. And I was fine with that conception when I was in my 30s.

But now, mid 40s, the issue is that I only get so much down time. Between work, kids, household obligations, and taking care of my health, I get maaaaybe and hour each evening to relax and do what I want to do. If you want me to spend some of that time on sex, it can't just be routine sex with nothing in it for me -- no foreplay, no intimacy, no physical sensations that actually feel tender or rewarding for me. Sex with no tenderness, at my age, is work. Well I already have two jobs (my actual job and then being a mom). I don't need another job as, essentially, a sex worker servicing my husband's hard on. He can take care of that himself. If you want me to spent some of my very precious, rare down time on sex instead of reading a book, working on an art project, watching a really good TV show, taking a really luxurious long shower, etc., it needs to be something other than "going through the motions." I quite literally do not have time for that.

And that's fine, as long as you have given the explicit message to him that it is ok to seek another sexual partner.