Is my wife being unrealistic about her expectations of my work life balance?

[Anonymous]

DH hasn't "logged off at 5pm" in 20 years of marriage. That is literally unfathomable to me.

I'm also still stuck on the fact that one adult can't watch two kids on a snow day, or drive a 3 month old to daycare pickup 5 mins away.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Sure it is.
If he had told her that he was presenting at these meetings today, maybe she would have volunteered to leave the house or asked if he wanted to go to her parent’s house.
If he had told her that he wasn’t going to go to the meeting in California, maybe she would be grateful. Or maybe she would say that it’s actually easier for her if he’s out of the house.

It’s always better to communicate with your spouse.

He didn't say that he -didn't- say those things to her. Given how involved he otherwise is, I suspect he -did- tell her he had this work today.

But you're suggesting that he should have not only mentioned the extra work to his wife, but also had a conversation about -who- was going to handle what childcare that day. You indicated that OP was an ass for assuming his wife, while on maternity leave, would handle a 5-hour stretch of watching both kids while he worked. You said that he should have brought it up with her, with the expectation that it was TBD what spouse was handling what during that 5 hours. That's unreasonable. When you literally have a spouse around who is not working that day.

I think you are talking to multiple people.
But I don’t see anywhere that anyone said that it was TBD who should watch the kids. Only that a conversation should have been had about what the plan was that day.

You are assuming that there was a conversation, but I think it’s entirely possible that the OP does NOT share all of the ins and outs of his work with his wife, he didn’t talk to her about what was going on that day, and she isn’t a lunatic.

Serious question - what’s to discuss, you acknowledge it’s not TBD on who takes care of the kids.

There is 0% chance that OP is writing multiple paragraphs here and not talking to his wife. Some of you are nuts. I kind of believe this is all made up to keep the conversation going.

A lot of people aren’t great at communicating with their spouse. I mean, there was one text between them all day while he was doing these meetings, and it was from her to him. He definitely wasn’t texting or telling her that things were crazy that day.

If he talked to her like an equal and not an employee, they could have made a plan together to make sure that she was out of his hair while he was doing these important meetings. But in all of the paragraphs he wrote, there is no indication of a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH hasn't "logged off at 5pm" in 20 years of marriage. That is literally unfathomable to me.

I'm also still stuck on the fact that one adult can't watch two kids on a snow day, or drive a 3 month old to daycare pickup 5 mins away.

Same. This strange cavalier attitude toward needing a paycheck and the entitlement coupled with the inability to watch two small kids when you have nothing else to do is pretty mind boggling to me. And I was a SAHM when my kids were this age and am now a WAHM and a WOHM. It’s just not this hard. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

If you need to "lock in" at work on a given day, periodic disruptions during the day are a nuisance. Some days your mindshare just needs to be on work, while other days your attention can be more divided. This expectation of periodic disruptions will cause DH to lose is mental flow on what was an important day. Wife can deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I’m another person who thinks the “team wife” posters may just be posting for shits and giggles to rile up other posters. Because there is no rational way to actually take that side.

[Anonymous]

She is 100% unreasonable. You should be working during the workday. She should be dropping your kid at preschool. Logging off by 5 pm? OMG you have it easy.

I say this as a working mother who did all of this with zero help from my ex husband who also worked.

She needs to adjust her entitled expectation. Presumably, she is not working. She is being snarky and should let you focus on work during the workday! Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a lunatic. It may be because of the hormones and being lonely, but she’s being crazy nonetheless.

Working 5-10 extra minutes after 5pm every day, and having a 5 hour block of commitment (in lieu of flying to the west coast for four days) once a quarter does not make for a “less flexible job doing a stressful time” as another poster suggested.

Your wife is currently on mat leave and should be able to figure out two kids for one day. You already do morning drop off normally.

There is a zero percent change your wife is going back to work, just to warn you. She can’t handle a single snow day with two kids, so she sure isn’t going to handle balancing two kids and a job. Plan accordingly. And know that all the help you hire now she’ll insist on keeping when she continues to stay home.

+1. She is completely off base and can't handle two kids. And she does not work. Not a good sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m another person who thinks the “team wife” posters may just be posting for shits and giggles to rile up other posters. Because there is no rational way to actually take that side.

Key word. It's DCUM here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m another person who thinks the “team wife” posters may just be posting for shits and giggles to rile up other posters. Because there is no rational way to actually take that side.

I wasn’t “team wife” at first, but after reading the replies, I realized that if you take OP at face value, then his wife is crazy. So, either she’s one step away from the psych ward, or there is another side to this story that Op is leaving out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a lunatic. It may be because of the hormones and being lonely, but she’s being crazy nonetheless.

Working 5-10 extra minutes after 5pm every day, and having a 5 hour block of commitment (in lieu of flying to the west coast for four days) once a quarter does not make for a “less flexible job doing a stressful time” as another poster suggested.

Your wife is currently on mat leave and should be able to figure out two kids for one day. You already do morning drop off normally.

There is a zero percent change your wife is going back to work, just to warn you. She can’t handle a single snow day with two kids, so she sure isn’t going to handle balancing two kids and a job. Plan accordingly. And know that all the help you hire now she’ll insist on keeping when she continues to stay home.

+1. She is completely off base and can't handle two kids. And she does not work. Not a good sign.

He also can’t handle two kids. He leaves the baby at home while taking the older child to daycare, and he can’t watch a three month old for 10 minutes while he finishes up something with work.
They are both a little nutty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m another person who thinks the “team wife” posters may just be posting for shits and giggles to rile up other posters. Because there is no rational way to actually take that side.

I wasn’t “team wife” at first, but after reading the replies, I realized that if you take OP at face value, then his wife is crazy. So, either she’s one step away from the psych ward, or there is another side to this story that Op is leaving out.

I dunno. I stayed home for two years with my first (while I worked a very pt amount) and was hanging out with the sahm scene during that time. Lots of them said and acted exactly like op describes his wife. Not uncommon at all, but completely unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a lunatic. It may be because of the hormones and being lonely, but she’s being crazy nonetheless.

Working 5-10 extra minutes after 5pm every day, and having a 5 hour block of commitment (in lieu of flying to the west coast for four days) once a quarter does not make for a “less flexible job doing a stressful time” as another poster suggested.

Your wife is currently on mat leave and should be able to figure out two kids for one day. You already do morning drop off normally.

There is a zero percent change your wife is going back to work, just to warn you. She can’t handle a single snow day with two kids, so she sure isn’t going to handle balancing two kids and a job. Plan accordingly. And know that all the help you hire now she’ll insist on keeping when she continues to stay home.

+1. She is completely off base and can't handle two kids. And she does not work. Not a good sign.

He also can’t handle two kids. He leaves the baby at home while taking the older child to daycare, and he can’t watch a three month old for 10 minutes while he finishes up something with work.
They are both a little nutty.

Why would you bring an infant into daycare to grab the older one if you don’t have to? It’s a zillion percent easier to do drop off and pick up solo. When I was on mat leave with my second, I always jumped to do the daycare run because I had a second to breathe and listen to my own music on on one end of the drive.

[Anonymous]

Her passive aggressive text messages are befitting a 12-year-old tween, not a grown woman.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t get through your whole post before thinking your DW had unrealistic expectations. You seem to be able to do more than most that are employed full time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Stupid struggles of people from majority culture is so entertaining.

A marriage headed for divorce.

“Majority culture”= not having 5 generations crammed into a 4br house in Ashburn where the women are entirely domesticated and the men are home for meals and baby making but otherwise hanging out at the Hooka bar. Yeah… such an amazing existence.

Just say you’re racist. It requires fewer words.