Is my wife being unrealistic about her expectations of my work life balance?

[Anonymous]

Explain to her that you need to keep your job and ideally advance so that your kids have a better life than you have. People on this board act like careers are just optional hobbies and one spouse having a career is primarily an inconvenience for the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

[Anonymous]

Slack off and get fired, then ask her what her plan is for keeping the family housed and fed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stupid struggles of people from majority culture is so entertaining.

A marriage headed for divorce.

Ughhh.. Harsh but yeah..

One of the two spouses will have an affair. They may stay together for money though.

Yep..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Sure it is.
If he had told her that he was presenting at these meetings today, maybe she would have volunteered to leave the house or asked if he wanted to go to her parent’s house.
If he had told her that he wasn’t going to go to the meeting in California, maybe she would be grateful. Or maybe she would say that it’s actually easier for her if he’s out of the house.

It’s always better to communicate with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Sure it is.
If he had told her that he was presenting at these meetings today, maybe she would have volunteered to leave the house or asked if he wanted to go to her parent’s house.
If he had told her that he wasn’t going to go to the meeting in California, maybe she would be grateful. Or maybe she would say that it’s actually easier for her if he’s out of the house.

It’s always better to communicate with your spouse.

He didn't say that he -didn't- say those things to her. Given how involved he otherwise is, I suspect he -did- tell her he had this work today.

But you're suggesting that he should have not only mentioned the extra work to his wife, but also had a conversation about -who- was going to handle what childcare that day. You indicated that OP was an ass for assuming his wife, while on maternity leave, would handle a 5-hour stretch of watching both kids while he worked. You said that he should have brought it up with her, with the expectation that it was TBD what spouse was handling what during that 5 hours. That's unreasonable. When you literally have a spouse around who is not working that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3 month old. Which means your wife is working basically 24 hours a day and is exhausted all the time. “I helped out” tells me that you don’t feel full ownership of the situation with the kids and the house, and that’s what she’s reacting to.

The snow day thing may seem unreasonable, but she’s reacting to this: there was a family disruption and her day got 1000% harder and your day stayed basically the same. Ask yourself how often that happens.

You not ending work at a consistent time shows you’re prioritizing yourself over your wife and your kid - regularly. As someone with a big fancy job who was there to pick up my kids on time 100% of the time, I know it’s possible to end work on time consistently. You just say “oops gotta run Fred - kid pickup time! Call you tomorrow!”

Also, ask yourself how much harder your life has gotten when the second kid came 3 months ago. Your wife’s life got a lot harder. Are you doing at least 50% of the household chores - including keeping track of all of the crap that goes into that? From your post, doesn’t sound like it.

Your wife is feeling resentful. I recommend caring that she feels that way.

You know, the above poster makes excellent points. I was ready to side with the husband but now I’m not so sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she is being completely unreasonable. Make her feel "heard" but don't fundamentally change anything. This phase will pass.

This. She's sending a 4 year old to full day daycare while she's on maternity leave. She can flex the pickup time here and there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

Yes there is a discussion to be had. That’s the whole point - assuming your wife will just be the default caregiver is a huge issue down the line.

She’s on maternity leave today. Down the line, when she returns, things will be different. Today the wife is the default caregiver.

No, she’s not. he’s the parent too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explain to her that you need to keep your job and ideally advance so that your kids have a better life than you have. People on this board act like careers are just optional hobbies and one spouse having a career is primarily an inconvenience for the other spouse.

She has a job too. The issue is men who believe their job is the most important thing in the household by default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Yo. Women are not actually servants to their husbands whether or not they have paying jobs. Of course it’s subject to discussion and compromise especially if he is showing a lack of regard that she reasonably thinks may continue when she returns to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Sure it is.
If he had told her that he was presenting at these meetings today, maybe she would have volunteered to leave the house or asked if he wanted to go to her parent’s house.
If he had told her that he wasn’t going to go to the meeting in California, maybe she would be grateful. Or maybe she would say that it’s actually easier for her if he’s out of the house.

It’s always better to communicate with your spouse.

He didn't say that he -didn't- say those things to her. Given how involved he otherwise is, I suspect he -did- tell her he had this work today.

But you're suggesting that he should have not only mentioned the extra work to his wife, but also had a conversation about -who- was going to handle what childcare that day. You indicated that OP was an ass for assuming his wife, while on maternity leave, would handle a 5-hour stretch of watching both kids while he worked. You said that he should have brought it up with her, with the expectation that it was TBD what spouse was handling what during that 5 hours. That's unreasonable. When you literally have a spouse around who is not working that day.

I think you are talking to multiple people.
But I don’t see anywhere that anyone said that it was TBD who should watch the kids. Only that a conversation should have been had about what the plan was that day.

You are assuming that there was a conversation, but I think it’s entirely possible that the OP does NOT share all of the ins and outs of his work with his wife, he didn’t talk to her about what was going on that day, and she isn’t a lunatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to her that you need to keep your job and ideally advance so that your kids have a better life than you have. People on this board act like careers are just optional hobbies and one spouse having a career is primarily an inconvenience for the other spouse.

She has a job too. The issue is men who believe their job is the most important thing in the household by default.

She has a job THAT SHE HAS A LONG TERM LEAVE OF ABSENCE FROM. JFC get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

He is at work. She is on maternity leave. That he works from home doesn't change that. It is astonishing that even though this mas been repeated over and over, some of you don't grasp it.

If he'd been working from the office, no one would have an issue with anything that he's done. He's at work, giving presentations. She is home, watching the kids.

I guess I would still expect DH to say something like, “sorry I can’t help. I have to present on those quarterly reports today.”

Then later in the day, something like, “how is it going? I’m thinking of you.”

I also would expect some kind of earlier communication like, “I got out of having to fly to California so I could be here with you and the baby, but I have to do the meeting remotely next week.”

Just because it’s assumed that someone is default childcare doesn’t mean they stop being your spouse and life partner.

Everyone on this thread with a paying job is telling you: You are being unreasonable.

Sure, chat about this stuff because you're married and it comes up. But NONE of the above is subject to any kind of discussion or compromise. Not during maternity leave or when you have a sahm. We're not talking about an absent DH. We're talking about a DH who is working from 10am to 5:10pm.

Sure it is.
If he had told her that he was presenting at these meetings today, maybe she would have volunteered to leave the house or asked if he wanted to go to her parent’s house.
If he had told her that he wasn’t going to go to the meeting in California, maybe she would be grateful. Or maybe she would say that it’s actually easier for her if he’s out of the house.

It’s always better to communicate with your spouse.

He didn't say that he -didn't- say those things to her. Given how involved he otherwise is, I suspect he -did- tell her he had this work today.

But you're suggesting that he should have not only mentioned the extra work to his wife, but also had a conversation about -who- was going to handle what childcare that day. You indicated that OP was an ass for assuming his wife, while on maternity leave, would handle a 5-hour stretch of watching both kids while he worked. You said that he should have brought it up with her, with the expectation that it was TBD what spouse was handling what during that 5 hours. That's unreasonable. When you literally have a spouse around who is not working that day.

I think you are talking to multiple people.
But I don’t see anywhere that anyone said that it was TBD who should watch the kids. Only that a conversation should have been had about what the plan was that day.

You are assuming that there was a conversation, but I think it’s entirely possible that the OP does NOT share all of the ins and outs of his work with his wife, he didn’t talk to her about what was going on that day, and she isn’t a lunatic.

Serious question - what’s to discuss, you acknowledge it’s not TBD on who takes care of the kids.

There is 0% chance that OP is writing multiple paragraphs here and not talking to his wife. Some of you are nuts. I kind of believe this is all made up to keep the conversation going.