Halloween dis-invitation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

OP here

I appreciate this...not sure how everything devolved so fast lol. I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

I can't help but wish he had said something when he was disinvited in the first place - nothing mean but more just why? Or really? or something. He said nothing at the time.

He's generally a very outgoing/active kid and I think it really took him by surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

+1

Absolutely, but I think OP's question is what she and her son can do in light of the fact that this happened. I don't have any great advice, it is a difficult situation, and I think move on and try to focus on other friends is the best answer.

+1 I think also validating (calmly, not making it worse) that this is rude behavior. Comments on this thread are weird. It’s not social engineering to ask your kids what their plans are and remind them that it is rude to cancel because you get a better offer - either include everyone or stick to the original plan. You should know what your middle schooler is up to.

However, it also is true that in our school (Arlington) I have seen that parents are lonely so basically create their social life around kids (travel team, sports teams, etc) and there is a lot of value placed on “block parties” etc that have a specific guest list rather than just distributing fliers to the entire neighborhood. It’s all very cliquey and although I’m hoping it fades (my ildest is MS), I’m not sure it will. A lot of kids don’t have great manners (I have a boy and a lot of his class are little sh*ts) and I think because the families engineer socially, they don’t gain the same social skills we did as kids because the natural consequence of being left out for bad behavior is avoided when mom is planning a block party.

We are trying to teach our kids that people show you who they are and to consider whether they are true friends or not. It is hard, and especially the last few years of elementary up to middle have been hard, but I’m hoping they find their way as they head to high school.

Yes, this is so spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

OP here

I appreciate this...not sure how everything devolved so fast lol. I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

I can't help but wish he had said something when he was disinvited in the first place - nothing mean but more just why? Or really? or something. He said nothing at the time.

He's generally a very outgoing/active kid and I think it really took him by surprise.

PP here and I’m so sorry. My son went through something with a supposed close friend that turned on him out of nowhere and then convinced their mutual friends to stop hanging out with my son. It still stings to think about honestly, that kid was such a jerk. I think saying nothing and moving on is best, though. While actively seeking out other social avenues. The jerky kids want to get a rise out them. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

This is really his decision. Does he want to keep walking with them? If so, I would personally just focus on other conversation topics, but this isn't a situation where there is a clear right or wrong answer, and it is a matter of personal preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

OP here

I appreciate this...not sure how everything devolved so fast lol. I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

I can't help but wish he had said something when he was disinvited in the first place - nothing mean but more just why? Or really? or something. He said nothing at the time.

He's generally a very outgoing/active kid and I think it really took him by surprise.

Sounds like you didn't have school today. We are in APS and don't go back to school until Wednesday, which I think is a real social blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

I disagree. You can invite all kids, and your kid can invite their friends too. When adults also come to the party, all kids behave well and become inclusive. As a result, inclusive behavior becomes the norm after a few such events. The kids also find new friends once they get to interact with everyone.

But, you guys do you.

Sorry but at the middle and high school ages, inviting the parents is just unnecessary helicoptering. My teens would be mortified. Not to mention people have more than one kid, and can’t be expected to attend multiple parties, hand out candy and trick or treat all at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

OP here

I appreciate this...not sure how everything devolved so fast lol. I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

I can't help but wish he had said something when he was disinvited in the first place - nothing mean but more just why? Or really? or something. He said nothing at the time.

He's generally a very outgoing/active kid and I think it really took him by surprise.

Sounds like you didn't have school today. We are in APS and don't go back to school until Wednesday, which I think is a real social blessing.

Honestly wish all districts had November 1 off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

This is really his decision. Does he want to keep walking with them? If so, I would personally just focus on other conversation topics, but this isn't a situation where there is a clear right or wrong answer, and it is a matter of personal preference.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

OP here

I appreciate this...not sure how everything devolved so fast lol. I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

I can't help but wish he had said something when he was disinvited in the first place - nothing mean but more just why? Or really? or something. He said nothing at the time.

He's generally a very outgoing/active kid and I think it really took him by surprise.

Maybe this is the problem. Maybe he's annoying. Too loud, interrupts too much, commandeers conversations, is too hyper, touches too much - some of those?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

OP here

I appreciate this...not sure how everything devolved so fast lol. I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

I can't help but wish he had said something when he was disinvited in the first place - nothing mean but more just why? Or really? or something. He said nothing at the time.

He's generally a very outgoing/active kid and I think it really took him by surprise.

Maybe this is the problem. Maybe he's annoying. Too loud, interrupts too much, commandeers conversations, is too hyper, touches too much - some of those?

It is a hard truth, and even harder to admit because I was picked on / excluded in middle school, but a lot of times part of the issue is the excluded kid is difficult to deal with.

Not always but often. And sometimes social patterns develop in elementary school and the kid matures but then has to deal with a built in reputation and it can take years to undo that and often involves new kids or a new school.

I remember in junior year kids I went to middle school saying, “wow you are like a totally different person now.” Yes and no. Anyways it is what it is, you aren’t going to change the dynamics of the world by complaining about it, just focus on helping your kid navigate it.

Years later I found my mom to be a pain to deal with and realized why I was slow on the developmental curve. That and being top of class in grades but young, short and a little socially oblivious for grade made it all hard.

I won’t use the term mature or immature here because some of the popular middle schoolers are absolutely awful and the opposite of mature. But they are, objectively, more socially adept than the kids that struggle with making friends.

[Anonymous]

In the short term, saying nothing is the best way to go. I’m assuming he won’t be walking to school with them until Monday and in kid world a decent amount of time has passed.

Just be alert to the other boys not being at the meeting point or claiming they need to be early or driven or that kind of stuff. In late elementary school my son rode his bike to school with a group of boys. It took me way too long to realize they didn’t want to ride with him as he (and I) bought all their excuses as to why they weren’t at the meeting spot.

It sucked to realize, but was a sign to how these boys would treat my son going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe this is the problem. Maybe he's annoying. Too loud, interrupts too much, commandeers conversations, is too hyper, touches too much - some of those?

If you suspect this might be the case with your kid how do you help them?

At MS age there's a fine line between advising a kid to tone things down and them taking it personally and it impacting their confidence. They also may not know what to do differently.

If you say nothing and it continues it could be a problem socially long term.

If you've dealt with something like this how did you help your child improve things for themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s all so disingenuous. All the anti bullying and rah rah inclusivity speech is performative bs on all parenting sites. So many of you justify your kids unnecessarily hurtful behavior because you care more that your kid is included.

And to the immigrant person who keeps posting that most of us don’t host because we have dirty hoarder homes - get lost. I’ve hosted so many groups of kids for over a decade and am done with it. I was used as a free babysitter for so many parents and the entitled behavior I saw from the parents would shock you.

The reality is people are colder and less caring. I was raised differently and you could count on kindness from other people. We all view resources as being so scarce for our children now that every parent would crap on a child if it meant their kid had an advantage.

Would it shock me? No. And I know this entitled behavior did not come from immigrant parents.

I'm the previous poster and I was not saying that behaviour came from immigrant parents. It came from more than 50% of all the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

OP here

I appreciate this...not sure how everything devolved so fast lol. I guess I'm wondering how to advise DS about the next school morning when they will meet at the corner to walk to school in this group? Assuming say nothing and move on, right?

I can't help but wish he had said something when he was disinvited in the first place - nothing mean but more just why? Or really? or something. He said nothing at the time.

He's generally a very outgoing/active kid and I think it really took him by surprise.

Maybe this is the problem. Maybe he's annoying. Too loud, interrupts too much, commandeers conversations, is too hyper, touches too much - some of those?

Or maybe the other kids are just little jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

I disagree. You can invite all kids, and your kid can invite their friends too. When adults also come to the party, all kids behave well and become inclusive. As a result, inclusive behavior becomes the norm after a few such events. The kids also find new friends once they get to interact with everyone.

But, you guys do you.

Sorry but at the middle and high school ages, inviting the parents is just unnecessary helicoptering. My teens would be mortified. Not to mention people have more than one kid, and can’t be expected to attend multiple parties, hand out candy and trick or treat all at once.

No, it is not helicoptering. Your teens seem to have a problem if they will be mortified.

You invite every one and their kids, which means that siblings will also attend. AND the party happens before ToT starts. They all start their ToT from your house where you give candy to every kid. Teens can go on their own, and other kids can walk with their parents and each other. Where is the problem?

You all have paralysis by analysis. You assume that your kids will be mortified, that other parents will have gazillion parties to go to, that siblings will be an issue, that handing candy will be an issue.

The truth is that you are from a culture where there is no concept of hospitality and inclusiveness. You have no idea how to parent, how to host, how to be a guest and how to include everyone. So you spin your wheels.