Halloween dis-invitation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi:

We had this situation but the opposite. There is a girl with weak social skills that clings to my daughter. Why my daughter? I think because she’s nice and the other girls just give her the cold shoulder. But through my daughter she has access to a group.

She and her parents are constantly asking us to do things. Like we will have a playdate on Friday and they will start hassling us about Saturday and then when we say no Sunday. It’s exhausting. It’s also caused problems when some girls pull away from my daughter because this girl is always tagging after her and so these girls go elsewhere. She still has friends but probably fewer than she might otherwise. This is 5th grade.

When this girls parents invited themselves over again for Halloween I was inclined to say yes just because it’s hard to be alone on my special day, but when I told my daughter she was in tears. The friend she was going with didn’t want to go with this girl (for the same reasons as everyone else) and my daughter didn’t want to jeopardize the new friendship. My daughter likes hanging out with this girl sometimes, but just sometimes - she doesn’t want to be best friends and this kid smothers her. So at some point I just needed to stick up for my kid.

Kids are absolutely mean sometimes, as are adults. But it’s very hard to deliver the message, “more people would want to be your kid’s friend if they were just easier to deal with.” So you say nothing and they feel excluded.

I did the opposite yesterday. I invited adults with teen and teen joined my teen’s friends. This will be the only time I do this. The whole situation was awkward.

It doesn’t have to be. My 15 yo teen boy went with his best friend and there was a new couple with two tweens over. My son and his friend took along the tweens and made sure they had a good time and hit all the houses with the best stuff. Because he’s not a dick.

[Anonymous]

Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Some people are just ODD like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

I hosted for my sixth grader’s group of friends. Pizza, veggies, fruit, seltzers, some party plates and that was it. I was NOT involved in his guest list or trick or treating plans. I just let them know they could eat and pop by during the evening for more food or drink as needed.

While others are bickering, I honestly have a question - did your 6th grader make these plans in school? Are the rest of the kids from your neighborhood or their parents drop off and pick up? My kid is a 6th grader who does not go to the assigned school. Most of the friends DC made are coming from 30 minutes away so if DC made plans we would essentially have to plan ahead and not just drop by. We never went with other ES families before since there is a busy neighborhood near ours and we liked going there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

I don’t buy that anyone is raising little a holes and I don’t think it’s a fair judgment to make when situations like OP’s happen. You have no idea what the parents did or didn’t do in this case. All of our kids will make mistakes or be oblivious or yes, even unkind at times. It’s part of growing up. I wasn’t perfect as a tween and neither were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

I hosted for my sixth grader’s group of friends. Pizza, veggies, fruit, seltzers, some party plates and that was it. I was NOT involved in his guest list or trick or treating plans. I just let them know they could eat and pop by during the evening for more food or drink as needed.

While others are bickering, I honestly have a question - did your 6th grader make these plans in school? Are the rest of the kids from your neighborhood or their parents drop off and pick up? My kid is a 6th grader who does not go to the assigned school. Most of the friends DC made are coming from 30 minutes away so if DC made plans we would essentially have to plan ahead and not just drop by. We never went with other ES families before since there is a busy neighborhood near ours and we liked going there.

These are kids who go to different schools but live in the same neighborhood. Parents didn’t drop off, the kids biked and walked to our house independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

+1

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

+1

Absolutely, but I think OP's question is what she and her son can do in light of the fact that this happened. I don't have any great advice, it is a difficult situation, and I think move on and try to focus on other friends is the best answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

I hosted for my sixth grader’s group of friends. Pizza, veggies, fruit, seltzers, some party plates and that was it. I was NOT involved in his guest list or trick or treating plans. I just let them know they could eat and pop by during the evening for more food or drink as needed.

While others are bickering, I honestly have a question - did your 6th grader make these plans in school? Are the rest of the kids from your neighborhood or their parents drop off and pick up? My kid is a 6th grader who does not go to the assigned school. Most of the friends DC made are coming from 30 minutes away so if DC made plans we would essentially have to plan ahead and not just drop by. We never went with other ES families before since there is a busy neighborhood near ours and we liked going there.

These are kids who go to different schools but live in the same neighborhood. Parents didn’t drop off, the kids biked and walked to our house independently.

Thank you.. this won't work for us..Ours is a dead neighborhood on Halloween. The first year we put out so much candy and it was barely touched. The second year we had 1 bag in the container and that looked the same when we got back. We don't even bother now. I think I will encourage my kids to make plans next year with school friends and drop off if they do. I liked going with them while they trick or treated all these years and will miss that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

+1

Absolutely, but I think OP's question is what she and her son can do in light of the fact that this happened. I don't have any great advice, it is a difficult situation, and I think move on and try to focus on other friends is the best answer.

Or possibly hand out candy. I saw many teens doing that in the neighborhood we went to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

I hosted for my sixth grader’s group of friends. Pizza, veggies, fruit, seltzers, some party plates and that was it. I was NOT involved in his guest list or trick or treating plans. I just let them know they could eat and pop by during the evening for more food or drink as needed.

While others are bickering, I honestly have a question - did your 6th grader make these plans in school? Are the rest of the kids from your neighborhood or their parents drop off and pick up? My kid is a 6th grader who does not go to the assigned school. Most of the friends DC made are coming from 30 minutes away so if DC made plans we would essentially have to plan ahead and not just drop by. We never went with other ES families before since there is a busy neighborhood near ours and we liked going there.

These are kids who go to different schools but live in the same neighborhood. Parents didn’t drop off, the kids biked and walked to our house independently.

Thank you.. this won't work for us..Ours is a dead neighborhood on Halloween. The first year we put out so much candy and it was barely touched. The second year we had 1 bag in the container and that looked the same when we got back. We don't even bother now. I think I will encourage my kids to make plans next year with school friends and drop off if they do. I liked going with them while they trick or treated all these years and will miss that

PP here. We once lived in a dead neighborhood ourselves so I hear you. We hosted a sleepover for my daughter instead, they didn’t trick or treat but they made a Halloween haunted house out of gingerbread and watched scary movies. This was in fifth grade I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There’s a lot of noise in this thread, but the bottom line is, try not to raise kids who would uninvite someone at the last minute and then go trick-or-treating at that kid’s house. Just try not to raise little a**holes.

+1

Absolutely, but I think OP's question is what she and her son can do in light of the fact that this happened. I don't have any great advice, it is a difficult situation, and I think move on and try to focus on other friends is the best answer.

+1 I think also validating (calmly, not making it worse) that this is rude behavior. Comments on this thread are weird. It’s not social engineering to ask your kids what their plans are and remind them that it is rude to cancel because you get a better offer - either include everyone or stick to the original plan. You should know what your middle schooler is up to.

However, it also is true that in our school (Arlington) I have seen that parents are lonely so basically create their social life around kids (travel team, sports teams, etc) and there is a lot of value placed on “block parties” etc that have a specific guest list rather than just distributing fliers to the entire neighborhood. It’s all very cliquey and although I’m hoping it fades (my ildest is MS), I’m not sure it will. A lot of kids don’t have great manners (I have a boy and a lot of his class are little sh*ts) and I think because the families engineer socially, they don’t gain the same social skills we did as kids because the natural consequence of being left out for bad behavior is avoided when mom is planning a block party.

We are trying to teach our kids that people show you who they are and to consider whether they are true friends or not. It is hard, and especially the last few years of elementary up to middle have been hard, but I’m hoping they find their way as they head to high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

I disagree. You can invite all kids, and your kid can invite their friends too. When adults also come to the party, all kids behave well and become inclusive. As a result, inclusive behavior becomes the norm after a few such events. The kids also find new friends once they get to interact with everyone.

But, you guys do you.