I hate “guy trips”

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op - what frustrates me is that I am 100% the default parent. I typically do all the drop offs, pick ups, make food, do laundry etc.

But I expect him to help around the house with the kids. Instead he is sleeping until 7:30 (on a week day!) and now will rush to get ready to work and be all stressed because he has so much work to do.

I have been up since 6:30 getting myself ready, lunches, dealing with the dog, getting breakfast and all the kid stuff so they are on time for school.

If you're 100% the default parent, then are you doing anything extra on these mornings? If you are I think you should talk to him about that, but if your day looks no different I don't think it's reasonable to be upset about what he's doing/how stressed he is, because it's not actually affecting you materially.

My wife sleeping to 7:30 while I feed the cat, make lunches, and do school drop off is every morning of my life and it has never occurred to me to be angry at her for sleeping rather than getting up and going to work; I do the same amount of work regardless. I'm fine with the arrangement of responsibilities, which is what matters, not what she's doing with time that I'm doing kid stuff.

Do you know what “default parent” means?

DP it’s a phrase invented by disgruntled women who overestimate their role in their children’s life and are dismissive of the role their partners play, usually a circumstance that is self-inflicted by excessive hectoring, criticism, and micromanagement.

Tell me you’re a lazy parent without telling me you’re a lazy parent.

More original thinking from the “default parent” cliche user. Prattling on about laziness, ironically enough.

from the OP it seems the DH works 60-80 hours per week including nights and weekends. I would also assume his busy schedule does not allow for him to cover sick days or school closures but OP can correct me if wrong. There are 168 hours in a week. 80 means he is working 50% of the available hours of the week. 6 hours of sleep means 42 hours. An hour to get ready and commute in the morning plus min 30 commute home= 7.5 hours minimum, if he is not commuting into work on weekends. So just with working, sleeping minimum suggested amount, and commuting he takes 130 hours per week leaving 38 hours spread over 7 days is 5.5 hours to eat, workout, spend time with your family/spouse, run errands, cook dinners, etc.

On working hours alone, OP has 40 more hours per week to dedicate to her family and home. So yes she is the default parent, default cleaner, default sports driver, default grocery shopper, default sick day coverer.

as far as salary goes, OP DH better be making 2x the amount of money minimum.

Op - yes you pretty much have it spot on.

And yes he makes about 3.5-4 times what I make.

So the guy works 50-10% more than you and makes 350-400% more than you, and two weeks of inconvenience per year is causing you to build up resentment and might result in a serious talk about his behavior? How selfish. That sounds really spoiled.

As someone with a spouse who works a lot, I really hate this attitude. Just because my husband makes a ton of money doesn't mean he gets to have more rest than I do.

But OP's husband works a lot more than she does, and most likely at a more stressful job (stress tends to come with higher hours and pay, though not always).

If she's default parent for three young kids, he doesn't work more than she does. He works *for pay* more than she does. They should both have equivalent downtime, which she's not getting in the week after his guys' trip because he's working even more at his job, and even less around the house, after doing nothing for either while gone. So yes, she does get to complain. How much she should complain I think comes down to what kind of partner/father he is the other 50 weeks out of the year, but this persistent DCUM trope that if a guy earns enough money he is entitled to treat his family like servants is gross.

Sorry, if you think that working at a 40 hour/wk job and being default parent for three school aged kids is the same amount of work and stress as working 60-80 hours a week at a high-paying (and likely high stress) job, then you have no idea what it's like to actually work a job like that.

And again, it is two weeks out of a year.

I worked in BigLaw for 12 years. I know what 80 hours at the low end feels like, and I still recognize that a full-time job and essentially single-parenting 3 (!!) kids is work. Something tells me you have no idea what either side of the coin is actually like, you just like to devalue women's work.

I've been a very busy commercial litigator for 20 years, and I took 3 years in a govt job (that was still pretty busy) when my three kids were little. I notice that you don't even say that they are equal amounts of work--just that having a 40 hour a week job and parenting is work. No kidding it's work. I get that both are busy. But there is no comparison in stress and busy-ness. Being a busy lawyer who makes a lot of money (as I do) is way more stressful and time consuming. And people who haven't worked like that just don't understand it.

The post I responded to (unclear at this point if it was you) said he works 50-100% more than she does and she is "selfish" and "spoiled" for resenting this behavior of his. I said that he does not work twice as much as she does, he just spends more time on *paid* work. Then you either joined the thread or pivoted to an argument that it's not the "same amount of work and stress" and incorrectly assumed I don't know what a stressful job is like. Again, no. You clearly don't get that they "both are busy" because you're arguing (or joining in support of an argument) that OP's DH works 50-100% more than she does. That argument only makes sense if you do not recognize the unpaid work that she's doing and discount literally every hour she puts in as default parent on the second shift after her 40 hours of paid work.

I'm just saying that working 60-80 per week is way more stressful than working 40 and being the default parent. That's the issue. Just counting the number of hours is not the issue, and we don't know how many hours OP and her husband work in the home.

In order to earn the large amount of money that he does that supports their lifestyle, he takes on a disproportionate amount of stress. The guy takes off two long weekends a year to see his friends, and he has some undetermined number of days after those long weekends where he does less at home than he normally does.

OP should spend more time appreciating a person who undertakes all that job stress for their family and less time resenting this little bit extra stress in her life.

I used to think like this and I'm so glad I stopped. I instead started thinking about what I needed to be healthy and happy, and if that required something from DH like him taking the kids more, I told him that. I need the rest and rejuvenation I need, and if I can't get my needs met because of his job, he needs to find a different job. It seemed like a drastic thought at the time, but in practice all it meant is that DH takes the kids to their morning activities and does a load of dishes each day. And he is more than happy to do it!

As for his needs for rest and rejuvenation, that's on him. If I were him I would quit because he is too stressed and he know she is free to do so, but he manages somehow.

I somehow doubt you ever spent any time NOT thinking about your own needs.

Are you a man? I think that men tend to do this naturally. They aren’t brainwashed into thinking about others’ needs before their own, so they automatically put their needs first and then figure out how to manage all their other responsibilities. On the other hand, I did things the opposite way until I was about 35. I now spend plenty of time meeting others’ needs, but it doesn’t cause resentment, depression, exhaustion, etc. anymore because all my own needs are met. I wonder if men chafe when they hear a woman talking about meeting her own needs first, because they can’t imagine a life where they aren’t making sure all their own needs are met, so it sounds extremely self-indulgent to announce it.

If you’re a woman, perhaps you’re jealous? Don’t be. Join me. Think about how men don’t let their desire for fairness or a sense of daddy guilt stop them from getting what they need, and copy them. I think that women can learn so much from the way men do things.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op - what frustrates me is that I am 100% the default parent. I typically do all the drop offs, pick ups, make food, do laundry etc.

But I expect him to help around the house with the kids. Instead he is sleeping until 7:30 (on a week day!) and now will rush to get ready to work and be all stressed because he has so much work to do.

I have been up since 6:30 getting myself ready, lunches, dealing with the dog, getting breakfast and all the kid stuff so they are on time for school.

If you're 100% the default parent, then are you doing anything extra on these mornings? If you are I think you should talk to him about that, but if your day looks no different I don't think it's reasonable to be upset about what he's doing/how stressed he is, because it's not actually affecting you materially.

My wife sleeping to 7:30 while I feed the cat, make lunches, and do school drop off is every morning of my life and it has never occurred to me to be angry at her for sleeping rather than getting up and going to work; I do the same amount of work regardless. I'm fine with the arrangement of responsibilities, which is what matters, not what she's doing with time that I'm doing kid stuff.

Do you know what “default parent” means?

DP it’s a phrase invented by disgruntled women who overestimate their role in their children’s life and are dismissive of the role their partners play, usually a circumstance that is self-inflicted by excessive hectoring, criticism, and micromanagement.

Tell me you’re a lazy parent without telling me you’re a lazy parent.

More original thinking from the “default parent” cliche user. Prattling on about laziness, ironically enough.

from the OP it seems the DH works 60-80 hours per week including nights and weekends. I would also assume his busy schedule does not allow for him to cover sick days or school closures but OP can correct me if wrong. There are 168 hours in a week. 80 means he is working 50% of the available hours of the week. 6 hours of sleep means 42 hours. An hour to get ready and commute in the morning plus min 30 commute home= 7.5 hours minimum, if he is not commuting into work on weekends. So just with working, sleeping minimum suggested amount, and commuting he takes 130 hours per week leaving 38 hours spread over 7 days is 5.5 hours to eat, workout, spend time with your family/spouse, run errands, cook dinners, etc.

On working hours alone, OP has 40 more hours per week to dedicate to her family and home. So yes she is the default parent, default cleaner, default sports driver, default grocery shopper, default sick day coverer.

as far as salary goes, OP DH better be making 2x the amount of money minimum.

Op - yes you pretty much have it spot on.

And yes he makes about 3.5-4 times what I make.

So the guy works 50-10% more than you and makes 350-400% more than you, and two weeks of inconvenience per year is causing you to build up resentment and might result in a serious talk about his behavior? How selfish. That sounds really spoiled.

As someone with a spouse who works a lot, I really hate this attitude. Just because my husband makes a ton of money doesn't mean he gets to have more rest than I do.

But OP's husband works a lot more than she does, and most likely at a more stressful job (stress tends to come with higher hours and pay, though not always).

If she's default parent for three young kids, he doesn't work more than she does. He works *for pay* more than she does. They should both have equivalent downtime, which she's not getting in the week after his guys' trip because he's working even more at his job, and even less around the house, after doing nothing for either while gone. So yes, she does get to complain. How much she should complain I think comes down to what kind of partner/father he is the other 50 weeks out of the year, but this persistent DCUM trope that if a guy earns enough money he is entitled to treat his family like servants is gross.

Sorry, if you think that working at a 40 hour/wk job and being default parent for three school aged kids is the same amount of work and stress as working 60-80 hours a week at a high-paying (and likely high stress) job, then you have no idea what it's like to actually work a job like that.

And again, it is two weeks out of a year.

I worked in BigLaw for 12 years. I know what 80 hours at the low end feels like, and I still recognize that a full-time job and essentially single-parenting 3 (!!) kids is work. Something tells me you have no idea what either side of the coin is actually like, you just like to devalue women's work.

I've been a very busy commercial litigator for 20 years, and I took 3 years in a govt job (that was still pretty busy) when my three kids were little. I notice that you don't even say that they are equal amounts of work--just that having a 40 hour a week job and parenting is work. No kidding it's work. I get that both are busy. But there is no comparison in stress and busy-ness. Being a busy lawyer who makes a lot of money (as I do) is way more stressful and time consuming. And people who haven't worked like that just don't understand it.

The post I responded to (unclear at this point if it was you) said he works 50-100% more than she does and she is "selfish" and "spoiled" for resenting this behavior of his. I said that he does not work twice as much as she does, he just spends more time on *paid* work. Then you either joined the thread or pivoted to an argument that it's not the "same amount of work and stress" and incorrectly assumed I don't know what a stressful job is like. Again, no. You clearly don't get that they "both are busy" because you're arguing (or joining in support of an argument) that OP's DH works 50-100% more than she does. That argument only makes sense if you do not recognize the unpaid work that she's doing and discount literally every hour she puts in as default parent on the second shift after her 40 hours of paid work.

I'm just saying that working 60-80 per week is way more stressful than working 40 and being the default parent. That's the issue. Just counting the number of hours is not the issue, and we don't know how many hours OP and her husband work in the home.

In order to earn the large amount of money that he does that supports their lifestyle, he takes on a disproportionate amount of stress. The guy takes off two long weekends a year to see his friends, and he has some undetermined number of days after those long weekends where he does less at home than he normally does.

OP should spend more time appreciating a person who undertakes all that job stress for their family and less time resenting this little bit extra stress in her life.

I used to think like this and I'm so glad I stopped. I instead started thinking about what I needed to be healthy and happy, and if that required something from DH like him taking the kids more, I told him that. I need the rest and rejuvenation I need, and if I can't get my needs met because of his job, he needs to find a different job. It seemed like a drastic thought at the time, but in practice all it meant is that DH takes the kids to their morning activities and does a load of dishes each day. And he is more than happy to do it!

As for his needs for rest and rejuvenation, that's on him. If I were him I would quit because he is too stressed and he know she is free to do so, but he manages somehow.

I somehow doubt you ever spent any time NOT thinking about your own needs.

Are you a man? I think that men tend to do this naturally. They aren’t brainwashed into thinking about others’ needs before their own, so they automatically put their needs first and then figure out how to manage all their other responsibilities. On the other hand, I did things the opposite way until I was about 35. I now spend plenty of time meeting others’ needs, but it doesn’t cause resentment, depression, exhaustion, etc. anymore because all my own needs are met. I wonder if men chafe when they hear a woman talking about meeting her own needs first, because they can’t imagine a life where they aren’t making sure all their own needs are met, so it sounds extremely self-indulgent to announce it.

If you’re a woman, perhaps you’re jealous? Don’t be. Join me. Think about how men don’t let their desire for fairness or a sense of daddy guilt stop them from getting what they need, and copy them. I think that women can learn so much from the way men do things.

You sound selfish and harsh and not very happy. I guess you've justified it to yourself on some sort of social justice basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love these posts. They make me feel so much better about my marriage and my life.

My wife actively encourages me to take trips and doesn’t care if I come back tired or hungover. She takes trips and sometimes arrives home in the same condition. I’ll go hunting, golf, boating, or skiing and she’ll go to some resort or city somewhere with her friends. We do the same sorts of trips together and with friends.

It sounds like you guys are just miserable and that’s the problem. Not the trips.

+1

DW sort of pokes fun of me for being banged up after a Vegas weekend or whatever, but it’s all in good humor and she is mostly nurturing. Even if there’s some “tsk tsk” element to it. She like when I go have fun.

I do the same for her — though she doesn’t really drink, so it’s just a matter of managing the kids/house… which, guess what ladies, ain’t rocket science.

Reading the OP made me want to jump out a window. I can almost hear her screaching from my couch.

Op here - obviously I know it’s not rocket science to manage our kids/house. I will add though while you and the dads who have “big jobs” get to focus all your energy on work all day I got to work AND make breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 people, walk the dog 3 miles, do laundry, schedule dentist appointments, schedule pre and post operative appointments for one kid, take one kid to tutoring, drop off and pick up 3 kids.

So yea my second job, being a default parent, isn’t the same number of hours and isn’t paid the same as my husbands I would argue that I am also contributing to my household.

I also have said multiple times I don’t care if he goes on guy trips. I just get annoyed when he gets home and is exhausted and cannot also contribute to our home life. We don’t have the luxury to just sit home and recuperate from a long weekend. Our kids don’t care that we are tired. Our jobs don’t care that we are tired. Our dog doesn’t care we are tired. We have to suck it up and do the grind every day.

No one says you aren't contributing. Your way of arguing makes it hard to side with you in this.

First, you do that think that so many people do on this forum, and add in all sorts of one-off tasks to make it sound like you are more busy than you are. Dentist and doctor appointments? How many times a year do you do that? Making breakfast? Why not just put out some cereal and milk? Plus, the number of people you're making meals for doesn't really multiply the amount of time unless you are making bespoke meals (in which case, that's dumb). Your dog isn't going to die if he misses his 3 mile walk a few days a year. The effect of this kind of post is that it makes you sound unreasonable.

Does your husband get bitter and resentful toward you when he's working way more hours at a more stressful job for the other 50 weeks a year? My guess is that you live a much more comfortable lifestyle because your husband works like crazy. He even took calls on his trip! And you can't just cover for him for a couple of days after he gets back?

I don't know, OP. You can see all the negative reactions to your post. Does it cause you to rethink your position at all? It sounds like you are dug in on your resentfulness, and you sound self-centered and little weak/lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love these posts. They make me feel so much better about my marriage and my life.

My wife actively encourages me to take trips and doesn’t care if I come back tired or hungover. She takes trips and sometimes arrives home in the same condition. I’ll go hunting, golf, boating, or skiing and she’ll go to some resort or city somewhere with her friends. We do the same sorts of trips together and with friends.

It sounds like you guys are just miserable and that’s the problem. Not the trips.

+1

DW sort of pokes fun of me for being banged up after a Vegas weekend or whatever, but it’s all in good humor and she is mostly nurturing. Even if there’s some “tsk tsk” element to it. She like when I go have fun.

I do the same for her — though she doesn’t really drink, so it’s just a matter of managing the kids/house… which, guess what ladies, ain’t rocket science.

Reading the OP made me want to jump out a window. I can almost hear her screaching from my couch.

Op here - obviously I know it’s not rocket science to manage our kids/house. I will add though while you and the dads who have “big jobs” get to focus all your energy on work all day I got to work AND make breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 people, walk the dog 3 miles, do laundry, schedule dentist appointments, schedule pre and post operative appointments for one kid, take one kid to tutoring, drop off and pick up 3 kids.

So yea my second job, being a default parent, isn’t the same number of hours and isn’t paid the same as my husbands I would argue that I am also contributing to my household.

I also have said multiple times I don’t care if he goes on guy trips. I just get annoyed when he gets home and is exhausted and cannot also contribute to our home life. We don’t have the luxury to just sit home and recuperate from a long weekend. Our kids don’t care that we are tired. Our jobs don’t care that we are tired. Our dog doesn’t care we are tired. We have to suck it up and do the grind every day.

No one says you aren't contributing. Your way of arguing makes it hard to side with you in this.

First, you do that think that so many people do on this forum, and add in all sorts of one-off tasks to make it sound like you are more busy than you are. Dentist and doctor appointments? How many times a year do you do that? Making breakfast? Why not just put out some cereal and milk? Plus, the number of people you're making meals for doesn't really multiply the amount of time unless you are making bespoke meals (in which case, that's dumb). Your dog isn't going to die if he misses his 3 mile walk a few days a year. The effect of this kind of post is that it makes you sound unreasonable.

Does your husband get bitter and resentful toward you when he's working way more hours at a more stressful job for the other 50 weeks a year? My guess is that you live a much more comfortable lifestyle because your husband works like crazy. He even took calls on his trip! And you can't just cover for him for a couple of days after he gets back?

I don't know, OP. You can see all the negative reactions to your post. Does it cause you to rethink your position at all? It sounds like you are dug in on your resentfulness, and you sound self-centered and little weak/lazy.

Most women with three young children either have partners who help out more, are not working full-time, or have significant paid or family help. It is incredibly reasonable to be overwhelmed by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love these posts. They make me feel so much better about my marriage and my life.

My wife actively encourages me to take trips and doesn’t care if I come back tired or hungover. She takes trips and sometimes arrives home in the same condition. I’ll go hunting, golf, boating, or skiing and she’ll go to some resort or city somewhere with her friends. We do the same sorts of trips together and with friends.

It sounds like you guys are just miserable and that’s the problem. Not the trips.

+1

DW sort of pokes fun of me for being banged up after a Vegas weekend or whatever, but it’s all in good humor and she is mostly nurturing. Even if there’s some “tsk tsk” element to it. She like when I go have fun.

I do the same for her — though she doesn’t really drink, so it’s just a matter of managing the kids/house… which, guess what ladies, ain’t rocket science.

Reading the OP made me want to jump out a window. I can almost hear her screaching from my couch.

Op here - obviously I know it’s not rocket science to manage our kids/house. I will add though while you and the dads who have “big jobs” get to focus all your energy on work all day I got to work AND make breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 people, walk the dog 3 miles, do laundry, schedule dentist appointments, schedule pre and post operative appointments for one kid, take one kid to tutoring, drop off and pick up 3 kids.

So yea my second job, being a default parent, isn’t the same number of hours and isn’t paid the same as my husbands I would argue that I am also contributing to my household.

I also have said multiple times I don’t care if he goes on guy trips. I just get annoyed when he gets home and is exhausted and cannot also contribute to our home life. We don’t have the luxury to just sit home and recuperate from a long weekend. Our kids don’t care that we are tired. Our jobs don’t care that we are tired. Our dog doesn’t care we are tired. We have to suck it up and do the grind every day.

No one says you aren't contributing. Your way of arguing makes it hard to side with you in this.

First, you do that think that so many people do on this forum, and add in all sorts of one-off tasks to make it sound like you are more busy than you are. Dentist and doctor appointments? How many times a year do you do that? Making breakfast? Why not just put out some cereal and milk? Plus, the number of people you're making meals for doesn't really multiply the amount of time unless you are making bespoke meals (in which case, that's dumb). Your dog isn't going to die if he misses his 3 mile walk a few days a year. The effect of this kind of post is that it makes you sound unreasonable.

Does your husband get bitter and resentful toward you when he's working way more hours at a more stressful job for the other 50 weeks a year? My guess is that you live a much more comfortable lifestyle because your husband works like crazy. He even took calls on his trip! And you can't just cover for him for a couple of days after he gets back?

I don't know, OP. You can see all the negative reactions to your post. Does it cause you to rethink your position at all? It sounds like you are dug in on your resentfulness, and you sound self-centered and little weak/lazy.

Most women with three young children either have partners who help out more, are not working full-time, or have significant paid or family help. It is incredibly reasonable to be overwhelmed by this.

I don't necessarily agree that it is "reasonable to be overwhelmed," but it certainly isn't reasonable to be resentful of your spouse who works more at a more stressful job and earns way more. It makes OP sound a little selfish and lacking perspective. If she's so overwhelmed, she should take some steps to lighten the load. Getting mad at her DH for coming back from the very occasional guys' trip with a hangover is just silly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am probably revealing how much time I spend on DCUM, but I think I have read posts by you, or someone just like you, before. Why do you not outsource significantly more than you do? I am guessing your HHI is at least 500-600k. If your DH isn't doing household stuff at all due to his high-powered job, I would get an afterschool babysitter, DEFINITELY a dog walker (one of the easiest to outsource, among your woes), and weekly cleaners. I would also be taking PTO to spend a day doing what I want at least once a month. There is no reason to be miserable in your daily life at your income level. This is about way more than the guys trip; that is clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am probably revealing how much time I spend on DCUM, but I think I have read posts by you, or someone just like you, before. Why do you not outsource significantly more than you do? I am guessing your HHI is at least 500-600k. If your DH isn't doing household stuff at all due to his high-powered job, I would get an afterschool babysitter, DEFINITELY a dog walker (one of the easiest to outsource, among your woes), and weekly cleaners. I would also be taking PTO to spend a day doing what I want at least once a month. There is no reason to be miserable in your daily life at your income level. This is about way more than the guys trip; that is clear.

There are 8K unique users on this site per month and you think you can identify this poster because she has a high-earning spouse who goes on guys trips and is stressed and frustrated by managing everything around the home? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love these posts. They make me feel so much better about my marriage and my life.

My wife actively encourages me to take trips and doesn’t care if I come back tired or hungover. She takes trips and sometimes arrives home in the same condition. I’ll go hunting, golf, boating, or skiing and she’ll go to some resort or city somewhere with her friends. We do the same sorts of trips together and with friends.

It sounds like you guys are just miserable and that’s the problem. Not the trips.

+1

DW sort of pokes fun of me for being banged up after a Vegas weekend or whatever, but it’s all in good humor and she is mostly nurturing. Even if there’s some “tsk tsk” element to it. She like when I go have fun.

I do the same for her — though she doesn’t really drink, so it’s just a matter of managing the kids/house… which, guess what ladies, ain’t rocket science.

Reading the OP made me want to jump out a window. I can almost hear her screaching from my couch.

Op here - obviously I know it’s not rocket science to manage our kids/house. I will add though while you and the dads who have “big jobs” get to focus all your energy on work all day I got to work AND make breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 people, walk the dog 3 miles, do laundry, schedule dentist appointments, schedule pre and post operative appointments for one kid, take one kid to tutoring, drop off and pick up 3 kids.

So yea my second job, being a default parent, isn’t the same number of hours and isn’t paid the same as my husbands I would argue that I am also contributing to my household.

I also have said multiple times I don’t care if he goes on guy trips. I just get annoyed when he gets home and is exhausted and cannot also contribute to our home life. We don’t have the luxury to just sit home and recuperate from a long weekend. Our kids don’t care that we are tired. Our jobs don’t care that we are tired. Our dog doesn’t care we are tired. We have to suck it up and do the grind every day.

No one says you aren't contributing. Your way of arguing makes it hard to side with you in this.

First, you do that think that so many people do on this forum, and add in all sorts of one-off tasks to make it sound like you are more busy than you are. Dentist and doctor appointments? How many times a year do you do that? Making breakfast? Why not just put out some cereal and milk? Plus, the number of people you're making meals for doesn't really multiply the amount of time unless you are making bespoke meals (in which case, that's dumb). Your dog isn't going to die if he misses his 3 mile walk a few days a year. The effect of this kind of post is that it makes you sound unreasonable.

Does your husband get bitter and resentful toward you when he's working way more hours at a more stressful job for the other 50 weeks a year? My guess is that you live a much more comfortable lifestyle because your husband works like crazy. He even took calls on his trip! And you can't just cover for him for a couple of days after he gets back?

I don't know, OP. You can see all the negative reactions to your post. Does it cause you to rethink your position at all? It sounds like you are dug in on your resentfulness, and you sound self-centered and little weak/lazy.

Most women with three young children either have partners who help out more, are not working full-time, or have significant paid or family help. It is incredibly reasonable to be overwhelmed by this.

So if most other women in this situation can solve their problems why can't OP solve hers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love these posts. They make me feel so much better about my marriage and my life.

My wife actively encourages me to take trips and doesn’t care if I come back tired or hungover. She takes trips and sometimes arrives home in the same condition. I’ll go hunting, golf, boating, or skiing and she’ll go to some resort or city somewhere with her friends. We do the same sorts of trips together and with friends.

It sounds like you guys are just miserable and that’s the problem. Not the trips.

+1

DW sort of pokes fun of me for being banged up after a Vegas weekend or whatever, but it’s all in good humor and she is mostly nurturing. Even if there’s some “tsk tsk” element to it. She like when I go have fun.

I do the same for her — though she doesn’t really drink, so it’s just a matter of managing the kids/house… which, guess what ladies, ain’t rocket science.

Reading the OP made me want to jump out a window. I can almost hear her screaching from my couch.

Op here - obviously I know it’s not rocket science to manage our kids/house. I will add though while you and the dads who have “big jobs” get to focus all your energy on work all day I got to work AND make breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 people, walk the dog 3 miles, do laundry, schedule dentist appointments, schedule pre and post operative appointments for one kid, take one kid to tutoring, drop off and pick up 3 kids.

So yea my second job, being a default parent, isn’t the same number of hours and isn’t paid the same as my husbands I would argue that I am also contributing to my household.

I also have said multiple times I don’t care if he goes on guy trips. I just get annoyed when he gets home and is exhausted and cannot also contribute to our home life. We don’t have the luxury to just sit home and recuperate from a long weekend. Our kids don’t care that we are tired. Our jobs don’t care that we are tired. Our dog doesn’t care we are tired. We have to suck it up and do the grind every day.

No one says you aren't contributing. Your way of arguing makes it hard to side with you in this.

First, you do that think that so many people do on this forum, and add in all sorts of one-off tasks to make it sound like you are more busy than you are. Dentist and doctor appointments? How many times a year do you do that? Making breakfast? Why not just put out some cereal and milk? Plus, the number of people you're making meals for doesn't really multiply the amount of time unless you are making bespoke meals (in which case, that's dumb). Your dog isn't going to die if he misses his 3 mile walk a few days a year. The effect of this kind of post is that it makes you sound unreasonable.

Does your husband get bitter and resentful toward you when he's working way more hours at a more stressful job for the other 50 weeks a year? My guess is that you live a much more comfortable lifestyle because your husband works like crazy. He even took calls on his trip! And you can't just cover for him for a couple of days after he gets back?

I don't know, OP. You can see all the negative reactions to your post. Does it cause you to rethink your position at all? It sounds like you are dug in on your resentfulness, and you sound self-centered and little weak/lazy.

Most women with three young children either have partners who help out more, are not working full-time, or have significant paid or family help. It is incredibly reasonable to be overwhelmed by this.

So if most other women in this situation can solve their problems why can't OP solve hers?

I think OP should outsource like crazy and if her husband is resistant, she should do it anyway. But that's a completely separate question from whether it's lazy to be overwhelmed by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love these posts. They make me feel so much better about my marriage and my life.

My wife actively encourages me to take trips and doesn’t care if I come back tired or hungover. She takes trips and sometimes arrives home in the same condition. I’ll go hunting, golf, boating, or skiing and she’ll go to some resort or city somewhere with her friends. We do the same sorts of trips together and with friends.

It sounds like you guys are just miserable and that’s the problem. Not the trips.

+1

DW sort of pokes fun of me for being banged up after a Vegas weekend or whatever, but it’s all in good humor and she is mostly nurturing. Even if there’s some “tsk tsk” element to it. She like when I go have fun.

I do the same for her — though she doesn’t really drink, so it’s just a matter of managing the kids/house… which, guess what ladies, ain’t rocket science.

Reading the OP made me want to jump out a window. I can almost hear her screaching from my couch.

Op here - obviously I know it’s not rocket science to manage our kids/house. I will add though while you and the dads who have “big jobs” get to focus all your energy on work all day I got to work AND make breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 people, walk the dog 3 miles, do laundry, schedule dentist appointments, schedule pre and post operative appointments for one kid, take one kid to tutoring, drop off and pick up 3 kids.

So yea my second job, being a default parent, isn’t the same number of hours and isn’t paid the same as my husbands I would argue that I am also contributing to my household.

I also have said multiple times I don’t care if he goes on guy trips. I just get annoyed when he gets home and is exhausted and cannot also contribute to our home life. We don’t have the luxury to just sit home and recuperate from a long weekend. Our kids don’t care that we are tired. Our jobs don’t care that we are tired. Our dog doesn’t care we are tired. We have to suck it up and do the grind every day.

No one says you aren't contributing. Your way of arguing makes it hard to side with you in this.

First, you do that think that so many people do on this forum, and add in all sorts of one-off tasks to make it sound like you are more busy than you are. Dentist and doctor appointments? How many times a year do you do that? Making breakfast? Why not just put out some cereal and milk? Plus, the number of people you're making meals for doesn't really multiply the amount of time unless you are making bespoke meals (in which case, that's dumb). Your dog isn't going to die if he misses his 3 mile walk a few days a year. The effect of this kind of post is that it makes you sound unreasonable.

Does your husband get bitter and resentful toward you when he's working way more hours at a more stressful job for the other 50 weeks a year? My guess is that you live a much more comfortable lifestyle because your husband works like crazy. He even took calls on his trip! And you can't just cover for him for a couple of days after he gets back?

I don't know, OP. You can see all the negative reactions to your post. Does it cause you to rethink your position at all? It sounds like you are dug in on your resentfulness, and you sound self-centered and little weak/lazy.

Most women with three young children either have partners who help out more, are not working full-time, or have significant paid or family help. It is incredibly reasonable to be overwhelmed by this.

But it’s not reasonable to sit there and just whine about it instead of taking steps to change the situation when you clearly have the resources available to do so. With her husband’s salary they could easily hire afford to hire more paid help or for OP to stop working/scale back her hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love these posts. They make me feel so much better about my marriage and my life.

My wife actively encourages me to take trips and doesn’t care if I come back tired or hungover. She takes trips and sometimes arrives home in the same condition. I’ll go hunting, golf, boating, or skiing and she’ll go to some resort or city somewhere with her friends. We do the same sorts of trips together and with friends.

It sounds like you guys are just miserable and that’s the problem. Not the trips.

+1

DW sort of pokes fun of me for being banged up after a Vegas weekend or whatever, but it’s all in good humor and she is mostly nurturing. Even if there’s some “tsk tsk” element to it. She like when I go have fun.

I do the same for her — though she doesn’t really drink, so it’s just a matter of managing the kids/house… which, guess what ladies, ain’t rocket science.

Reading the OP made me want to jump out a window. I can almost hear her screaching from my couch.

Op here - obviously I know it’s not rocket science to manage our kids/house. I will add though while you and the dads who have “big jobs” get to focus all your energy on work all day I got to work AND make breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 people, walk the dog 3 miles, do laundry, schedule dentist appointments, schedule pre and post operative appointments for one kid, take one kid to tutoring, drop off and pick up 3 kids.

So yea my second job, being a default parent, isn’t the same number of hours and isn’t paid the same as my husbands I would argue that I am also contributing to my household.

I also have said multiple times I don’t care if he goes on guy trips. I just get annoyed when he gets home and is exhausted and cannot also contribute to our home life. We don’t have the luxury to just sit home and recuperate from a long weekend. Our kids don’t care that we are tired. Our jobs don’t care that we are tired. Our dog doesn’t care we are tired. We have to suck it up and do the grind every day.

No one says you aren't contributing. Your way of arguing makes it hard to side with you in this.

First, you do that think that so many people do on this forum, and add in all sorts of one-off tasks to make it sound like you are more busy than you are. Dentist and doctor appointments? How many times a year do you do that? Making breakfast? Why not just put out some cereal and milk? Plus, the number of people you're making meals for doesn't really multiply the amount of time unless you are making bespoke meals (in which case, that's dumb). Your dog isn't going to die if he misses his 3 mile walk a few days a year. The effect of this kind of post is that it makes you sound unreasonable.

Does your husband get bitter and resentful toward you when he's working way more hours at a more stressful job for the other 50 weeks a year? My guess is that you live a much more comfortable lifestyle because your husband works like crazy. He even took calls on his trip! And you can't just cover for him for a couple of days after he gets back?

I don't know, OP. You can see all the negative reactions to your post. Does it cause you to rethink your position at all? It sounds like you are dug in on your resentfulness, and you sound self-centered and little weak/lazy.

Most women with three young children either have partners who help out more, are not working full-time, or have significant paid or family help. It is incredibly reasonable to be overwhelmed by this.

But it’s not reasonable to sit there and just whine about it instead of taking steps to change the situation when you clearly have the resources available to do so. With her husband’s salary they could easily hire afford to hire more paid help or for OP to stop working/scale back her hours.

But then OP will have to give up being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - what frustrates me is that I am 100% the default parent. I typically do all the drop offs, pick ups, make food, do laundry etc.

But I expect him to help around the house with the kids. Instead he is sleeping until 7:30 (on a week day!) and now will rush to get ready to work and be all stressed because he has so much work to do.

I have been up since 6:30 getting myself ready, lunches, dealing with the dog, getting breakfast and all the kid stuff so they are on time for school.

OP is this the day after he got back or three days after he got back? Makes a huge difference.

Yeah, this. If he's dragging on Monday morning and stays in bed an extra hour, OP is being completely unreasonable. If he's still not participating in the family at all on the Wednesday after, then he's either milking it (which would be its own issue) or needs to learn to suck it up and deal with *all* his responsibilities.

Hangovers don't last for 3 days.

Tell me you're an amateur without telling me you're an amateur.

No offense, but if you're hung over for three days after a guy's weekend, you're the amateur.

No offence, but if you bounce back after 50 beers, a 1/2 ounce of weed, three 8 balls of blow and 6 hours of sleep total for three days... you're an addict.

Otherwise your guys weekend sounds more like a Golden Girls marathon.

+1

PP's 'guys trips' sound more like Brokeback Mountain...

I can't quit you!

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t have to be strictly tit for tat but instead of resenting him I would do a better job getting your own time away.

I would let him come home when he wants but if he’s still hungover and not helpful- at this point I would just accept it and feel I’m free to take a spa day later or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t have to be strictly tit for tat but instead of resenting him I would do a better job getting your own time away.

I would let him come home when he wants but if he’s still hungover and not helpful- at this point I would just accept it and feel I’m free to take a spa day later or whatever.

Hehe
"Tit"

[Anonymous]

My husband might do one guy trip a year and I’m fine with it. They have a blast playing golf and being stupid but it’s just one weekend a year. I’ve done a few girl trips and it seems that half the women spend their time complaining about their husbands. All I want to do is get home to see my husband. I love doing couples short trips with the right people.