DD only kid in her friend group not invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think a lot of the above remarks are off base. HS friend groups are a bit fluid.

This. DC is a senior and quite a few friend groups have shifted. The boy groups seem to be holding steady, but all the girl groups have changed. Teen girls are sensitive and get their feelings hurt very easily - the wrong look or comment or too much time with another girl, new boyfriend/break up etc. Most of the problems could be avoided if they stopped tracking each other via social media and learned to actually talk to each other. But new friendships and groups seems to be the norm.

And is it the norm that these new friend groups form around excluding one kid who was in the previous iteration of the group? That’s what this thread is about: excluding one kid. We’re not talking broader social dynamics here; even if friend groups are somewhat fluid, blatant exclusion still sucks.

+1000

+1,000,000. Blatant exclusion of one or even two kids who were formerly a part of the group is a form of bullying. And it shouldn’t be parent sponsored or approved.

[Anonymous]

Of course exclusion sucks but this has been happening forever with teenage girls. You really shouldn’t be involved if she is 15 with the exception of listening to her. She should just continue to look for genuine friends. Who knows why they excluded her and she may not tell you the truth about it anyway. It could also change in a day. It’s part of life, it sucks but just about every person on the planet has been through some form of this. It really stinks when it’s a major event but hopefully this time will pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

I thought of two separate kids in our neighborhood who were purposely left out when I read this thread yesterday. Both kids perceived as weird and not cool.

Once kids turn 10, there is no more everyone is included. Friendships are fluid.

I wonder if these kids who are left out actually host or plan outings. We are the hang out house and we always host. I feel like I plan and do the inviting significantly more than others.

Wait these two kids were purposefully left out by your kids? I’m sure these kids do try to hang out and have events - but probably won’t be a hang out house like yours is. But recognize if the kids aren’t socially savvy, there is no chance they are inviting over. A big group of friends.

I don’t think she’s talking about the two kids hosting a big party. It’s probably more that the kids never invite people over to hang out on a random Tuesday or Saturday.

Pp here. I was asking OP if she ever hosted.

On any given day, I have a kid or two over my house. My kids only invited me their close friends. On Halloween, my 12 year old was invited to another child’s house to hang out and go trick or treating. I did not do the inviting. Neither did my 12yo. I invited two six year olds to my house. The two “weird” kids are not my child’s friends. Not only are they not good friends we would have over, they are not friends at all.

As a Mom, it saddens me to hear another Mom call children “weird” — I’d avoid you like the plague

It is sad and as much as a mother would claim she doesn’t say anything derogatory towards kids when her children are around you can bet they pick up on it. And the cycle of nasty judgy aholes continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

I thought of two separate kids in our neighborhood who were purposely left out when I read this thread yesterday. Both kids perceived as weird and not cool.

Once kids turn 10, there is no more everyone is included. Friendships are fluid.

I wonder if these kids who are left out actually host or plan outings. We are the hang out house and we always host. I feel like I plan and do the inviting significantly more than others.

Wait these two kids were purposefully left out by your kids? I’m sure these kids do try to hang out and have events - but probably won’t be a hang out house like yours is. But recognize if the kids aren’t socially savvy, there is no chance they are inviting over. A big group of friends.

I don’t think she’s talking about the two kids hosting a big party. It’s probably more that the kids never invite people over to hang out on a random Tuesday or Saturday.

Pp here. I was asking OP if she ever hosted.

On any given day, I have a kid or two over my house. My kids only invited me their close friends. On Halloween, my 12 year old was invited to another child’s house to hang out and go trick or treating. I did not do the inviting. Neither did my 12yo. I invited two six year olds to my house. The two “weird” kids are not my child’s friends. Not only are they not good friends we would have over, they are not friends at all.

As a Mom, it saddens me to hear another Mom call children “weird” — I’d avoid you like the plague

It is sad and as much as a mother would claim she doesn’t say anything derogatory towards kids when her children are around you can bet they pick up on it. And the cycle of nasty judgy aholes continues.

+1

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

[Anonymous]

this thread is bananas. People are left out everyday, its fine you just move on. Kids today are too soft. I had this convo with my tween DD this weekend. Friendships are mostly about convenience at this age. If its not convenient then Larla probably won't be your friend. If you get invited to some stuff great, if not that's fine too. Your happiness cannot depend on other people you need to be a complete person on your own. I don't think she got it but I hope that she does one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

Sorry PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

Why would kids do this? Is it deliberate cruelty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

Why would kids do this? Is it deliberate cruelty?

I'm the one with excluded DD - it seems to me it's sending a message. There must be at least one person in the group who doesn't like her and doesn't want her there. I have my guesses as to whom. But it sucks even more because my DD is the one who connected the two smaller groups to become this larger one, so now she is floundering.

I totally understand that this happens and the friend groups are very fluid in high school, but it is pretty hard when it's happening to your kid. I appreciate the sympathy and people letting me vent anonymously since I would never say anything to the parents. There really isn't any solution for her other than forging ahead and branching out a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

Why would kids do this? Is it deliberate cruelty?

I'm the one with excluded DD - it seems to me it's sending a message. There must be at least one person in the group who doesn't like her and doesn't want her there. I have my guesses as to whom. But it sucks even more because my DD is the one who connected the two smaller groups to become this larger one, so now she is floundering.

I totally understand that this happens and the friend groups are very fluid in high school, but it is pretty hard when it's happening to your kid. I appreciate the sympathy and people letting me vent anonymously since I would never say anything to the parents. There really isn't any solution for her other than forging ahead and branching out a bit.

DP - I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter, PP. It's awful. Lisa Damour had a good podcast about this phenomenon and sadly, one of the reasons is that it gives the kids something to bond over. That sounds so gross to me, but it's a thing, I guess. I hope your DD feels some comfort and can find some friendly new faces soon. It only takes one friend to make a difference.

To the PPs insisting that this phenomenon is BS and people need to get over it - feeling hurt by exclusion is a normal human process. This study even found that the pain felt from social exclusion is mediated by the same part of the brain that underlies physical pain: https://www.science.org/doi/full/10.1126/science.1089134?casa_token=z2CIspd02TgAAAAA%3AQVgqbcuEROxoAHTBoX3yVgNOT6aAsjGFCs49-iZlU0ux_ZIanWCnn2nGTUXLbZY6-CHxUlbA0V0aFQ

So, yeah. Being excluded hurts. Thinking that makes kids "soft" is profoundly wrong-headed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

Why would kids do this? Is it deliberate cruelty?

I'm the one with excluded DD - it seems to me it's sending a message. There must be at least one person in the group who doesn't like her and doesn't want her there. I have my guesses as to whom. But it sucks even more because my DD is the one who connected the two smaller groups to become this larger one, so now she is floundering.

I totally understand that this happens and the friend groups are very fluid in high school, but it is pretty hard when it's happening to your kid. I appreciate the sympathy and people letting me vent anonymously since I would never say anything to the parents. There really isn't any solution for her other than forging ahead and branching out a bit.

DP - I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter, PP. It's awful. Lisa Damour had a good podcast about this phenomenon and sadly, one of the reasons is that it gives the kids something to bond over. That sounds so gross to me, but it's a thing, I guess. I hope your DD feels some comfort and can find some friendly new faces soon. It only takes one friend to make a difference.

To the PPs insisting that this phenomenon is BS and people need to get over it - feeling hurt by exclusion is a normal human process. This study even found that the pain felt from social exclusion is mediated by the same part of the brain that underlies physical pain: https://www.science.org/doi/full/10.1126/science.1089134?casa_token=z2CIspd02TgAAAAA%3AQVgqbcuEROxoAHTBoX3yVgNOT6aAsjGFCs49-iZlU0ux_ZIanWCnn2nGTUXLbZY6-CHxUlbA0V0aFQ

So, yeah. Being excluded hurts. Thinking that makes kids "soft" is profoundly wrong-headed.

Thanks, PP - I'll take a look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

Why would kids do this? Is it deliberate cruelty?

I'm the one with excluded DD - it seems to me it's sending a message. There must be at least one person in the group who doesn't like her and doesn't want her there. I have my guesses as to whom. But it sucks even more because my DD is the one who connected the two smaller groups to become this larger one, so now she is floundering.

I totally understand that this happens and the friend groups are very fluid in high school, but it is pretty hard when it's happening to your kid. I appreciate the sympathy and people letting me vent anonymously since I would never say anything to the parents. There really isn't any solution for her other than forging ahead and branching out a bit.

I’ve found there is usually one person in a group who creates this environment and fosters it. The other girls aren’t immune from hearing misinformation and reacting to it (the one girl will talk about the one she wants to oust in a way that makes the other girls think she doesn’t like them etc).

If it makes you feel better I have a sophomore and the girl who was this “friend” for my daughter - she continued this pattern from middle school into sophomore year and now people have figured it out about her and have cut her out of friendship groups bc they recognize that she’s the one creating these problems and they don’t want that drama in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

Why would kids do this? Is it deliberate cruelty?

I'm the one with excluded DD - it seems to me it's sending a message. There must be at least one person in the group who doesn't like her and doesn't want her there. I have my guesses as to whom. But it sucks even more because my DD is the one who connected the two smaller groups to become this larger one, so now she is floundering.

I totally understand that this happens and the friend groups are very fluid in high school, but it is pretty hard when it's happening to your kid. I appreciate the sympathy and people letting me vent anonymously since I would never say anything to the parents. There really isn't any solution for her other than forging ahead and branching out a bit.

I’ve found there is usually one person in a group who creates this environment and fosters it. The other girls aren’t immune from hearing misinformation and reacting to it (the one girl will talk about the one she wants to oust in a way that makes the other girls think she doesn’t like them etc).

If it makes you feel better I have a sophomore and the girl who was this “friend” for my daughter - she continued this pattern from middle school into sophomore year and now people have figured it out about her and have cut her out of friendship groups bc they recognize that she’s the one creating these problems and they don’t want that drama in their lives.

100% accurate. I know who that one is, in our case. It is very, very hard to be civil to this kid or the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I feel this tonight. No school in VA tomorrow and my 9th grade DD just discovered that her core group of 7 friends are having a sleepover without her. I’m so sad for her right now.

Why would kids do this? Is it deliberate cruelty?

I'm the one with excluded DD - it seems to me it's sending a message. There must be at least one person in the group who doesn't like her and doesn't want her there. I have my guesses as to whom. But it sucks even more because my DD is the one who connected the two smaller groups to become this larger one, so now she is floundering.

I totally understand that this happens and the friend groups are very fluid in high school, but it is pretty hard when it's happening to your kid. I appreciate the sympathy and people letting me vent anonymously since I would never say anything to the parents. There really isn't any solution for her other than forging ahead and branching out a bit.

I’ve found there is usually one person in a group who creates this environment and fosters it. The other girls aren’t immune from hearing misinformation and reacting to it (the one girl will talk about the one she wants to oust in a way that makes the other girls think she doesn’t like them etc).

If it makes you feel better I have a sophomore and the girl who was this “friend” for my daughter - she continued this pattern from middle school into sophomore year and now people have figured it out about her and have cut her out of friendship groups bc they recognize that she’s the one creating these problems and they don’t want that drama in their lives.

100% accurate. I know who that one is, in our case. It is very, very hard to be civil to this kid or the family.

Excluded DD poster here again. I talked to my daughter--we are pretty sure this is exactly what's happening and she is going to continue being excluded. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, she plays a sport year-round and luckily has friends from that team, but she's also going to work on cultivating other friends.

Thanks to all for your kind words and advice. It's really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this thread is bananas. People are left out everyday, its fine you just move on. Kids today are too soft. I had this convo with my tween DD this weekend. Friendships are mostly about convenience at this age. If it’s not convenient then Larla probably won't be your friend. If you get invited to some stuff great, if not that's fine too. Your happiness cannot depend on other people you need to be a complete person on your own. I don't think she got it but I hope that she does one day.

I don’t think it is about convenience for teens and tweens. Both my 12 and 14yo have very specific people they want to hang out with and it is definitely not the person who is the most convenient.

My older child has good friends and surprisingly most of them have different interests. They are all academically motivated and excel at something whether it be a sport or debate.

Both kids would rather stay home than hang out with someone they don’t like.