That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Super petty on her part. She doesn’t thing you’re in for the long haul!

[Anonymous]

I would decline a slice of that pie going forward. I would step back a smidge, but otherwise proceed as usual. Maybe just not initiate much. Not worth causing a fuss over, but not worth you putting in extra effort with her either.

[Anonymous]

I would adjust my expectations inwardly and take a step back for my own well-being. I would let my DH express his own anger, and would not try to control that; it’s his relationship to manage, and her attitude impacts him, too. It does not mean they will be estranged.

I’d just dial down the intensity a bit and sit with the (valid) hurt and work through it on your own. I would not want to be close to my MIL after this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would decline a slice of that pie going forward. I would step back a smidge, but otherwise proceed as usual. Maybe just not initiate much. Not worth causing a fuss over, but not worth you putting in extra effort with her either.

OP, there is some wisdom in this. It takes time to really know where things stand so taking things one instance at a time and recalibrating can keep you from feeling resentful. It may be that the relationship with the recipe-hoarding MIL was only working and felt close because you were deferring and doing all the work. It's easy to love a DIL who is hustling to please, expects nothing, and accepts second-class citizen status, but most DILs eventually find that demeaning and hurtful. My ILs have slowly demonstrated over years and years that my continued presence is at best an inconvenience. For me, having kids really brought that home. Picture being cut out of your first-born's first birthday party. That kind of stuff leaves a mark. It's hard to say whether the recipe moment is the canary in the coal mine or an anomaly but that will all become clear and you are perfectly within normal proportionality to recalibrate the relationship in response. Maybe she'll step up and try to make it right, but I'm glass half empty on that one.

[Anonymous]

Moment: in our family photo sharing app, MIL only comments in photos posted by her son, never me or other close family.
She’ll literally wait weeks and then instantly make a comment when she sees he posted something.

Others have noticed and verbally commented on her pattern of behavior as well.

[Anonymous]

Moment: when we gifted them our relatives time share week to join us in the Caribbean, only FIL managed to say thank you at any point in time.

When MiL was asked how she liked the beach and resort as it’s listed XYZ in Condé Nast, her response to me was: well, I don’t know, I haven’t been to the 9 others.

[Anonymous]

Moment: they visited in the fall and we took them to a 45 minute soccer game 5 mins away at Landon school and MIL’s only response was: I know sports are supposedly good for kids for all sorts of things, but I just don’t know how you do this on your weekends.

[Anonymous]

Moment: when they stayed with us for Xmas week and my spouse asked how they liked our decorations and MIL’s only response, in front of the kids, was: Why did you decorate, your neighbors didn’t.

And fyi our immediate neighbors were Jewish on one side and chinese on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Moment: we went sales shopping with our daughters while visiting them, and the girls show her the cute stuff they bought.
mIl’s response to me was: well I could have made that bag and dress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moment: they visited in the fall and we took them to a 45 minute soccer game 5 mins away at Landon school and MIL’s only response was: I know sports are supposedly good for kids for all sorts of things, but I just don’t know how you do this on your weekends.

I ask this of myself every weekend as well, so I'm not seeing how this is an awful question.

[Anonymous]

Moment: we call them to say we’re engaged and future MiL first response was, Wow, I didn’t know he had it in him.

moment: we’re at their family’s side engagement dinner and an elder asks me what I like about my fiancé and I say X, y and he’s smart. Future MiL says: what kind of smart?

Uh oh. Hopefully not her perverse kind!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moment: they visited in the fall and we took them to a 45 minute soccer game 5 mins away at Landon school and MIL’s only response was: I know sports are supposedly good for kids for all sorts of things, but I just don’t know how you do this on your weekends.

I ask this of myself every weekend as well, so I'm not seeing how this is an awful question.

It’s one hour 5 mins away, not an all day swim meet in Baltimore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

What a weirdo.
First off you ARE family. Secondly, why the power trip about refusing to share a pie recipeZ.

She sounds like a sociopath.

Don’t bother trying to reason with that!

[Anonymous]

She's going to be very sorry someday if you have kids. She probably blew up a close relationship with them over a stupid pie recipe. People are idiots.

[Anonymous]

Meh—my MIL asked for my cupcake recipe (just family four generations) and I said no. Sorry there are levels of family.