That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL simply doesn't want you becoming the person that prepares that recipe for her son or other family events. It gives her a sense of purpose, makes her unique, and you are trying to take that away from her. How is this not obvious?

But I'm his wife why can't I prepare it for him? Besides other "blood" "real" relatives have it and they can just as easily cook it for others in the family.

Oh that's right I have to go back to my place in the corner as the "second tier" family member. And remember my place

Well I think it speaks volumes about my mil that she holds a damn recipe as higher than the feelings of an actual human being a family member. Which is why I will take the advice of other PPs and continue to attend large family gatherings but as far as one on one activities with mil or calling texting her individually no more.

You sound more and more unhinged every time you post.

How do I sound unhinged when my mil is the one who won't share a recipe?

I'm just adjusting the relationship to match how she views me

Come on, OP. You are arguing with every single poster who disagrees with you even slightly. It's like when I tell my 9 year old he did something wrong and he has to argue it to death and get the last word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to address my hurt feelings with my mil tomorrow instead of just cutting back because I have to be an adult and address it with her

This is actually not very adult
Learn your lesson and move on

So addressing your feelings with family is a problem?

I think that’s just a troll.

Is it possible your MIL is not always tactful and thoughtlessly said that because she didn’t want to share her recipe? Some people just don’t like to share recipes. The reason she gave is hurtful but I’m not sure it’s worth burning bridges over. You don’t have to be so chummy but you’re going to have to deal with her for years to come. I personally would let my DH communicate this to his mom, but that’s just how I would handle it.

In the OP, she said her MIL previously shared the recipe with her niece. She's willing to share, just not with OP.

[Anonymous]

The recipe is only for blood family not family by marriage. If your and DH divorce she don’t want her recipe out there with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn girl just google your own pir recipe. Share your trial bakes with your MIL. Maybe you two will find your own family recipe together and get married

This. I’d bet by trying a few times you can better the recipe.

My mil was upset for a month when one of her friends wouldn’t share her recipe for a warm Bloody Mary using beef broth. I sent her several recipes from the internet that sounded like it but she didn’t care. A few years later she typed up recipes and gave them to my sils (her daughters) and not me. Same reason. Dh and I had been together for 14 years. It all fit with what I knew about her. Petty and mean. She viewed me as an outsider while faking it in front of family. Keep some distance op and never count on her for help.

Sorry, PP. But I assume there was a large part of you laughing at the idea of a “warm Bloody Mary” being an aspirational recipe?

Yes and there are 1 million recipes on line to help her replicate it. The recipes she would not share were variations of boneless chicken breasts, cheese, a can of some kind of cream of whatever soup casseroles. The worst was a sausage casserole that included 1lb of sausage, a brick of Monterey Jack cheese, and uncooked pasta. She gave the recipe to my dh for some reason and he made it when I was at a work conference. The pasta never cooked and he almost broke a tooth. It was horrible.

[Anonymous]

It wasn’t an awkward moment for me.

It was freeing.

I could stop putting forth effort to host them, plan things, send things, discuss things.
Since I knew they didn’t care, I was liberated to also not care. And I no longer do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad MIL thinks family is blood. What if you decide to adopt? Would she not consider the baby her grandchild? She sounds awful. It’s not about the pie. It’s about how she treats you. Your relationship is not as great as you think it is. She’s faking it. You have to decide which battle to fight or just move on and accept the what she really thinks of you. Google the pie recipe. It’s out there

My mil would loudly proclaim that she would never have grandchildren after one of her daughters died despite knowing dh and I were trying and had experienced a miscarriage. She made it clear any children we had would not be considered real grandchildren. We have the only grandchildren and, true to form, they barely exist to her and fil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes a calendar using family photos last year. Everyone was in it except me.

My mil has photos of everyone in the family, including the dil she hates, except me. She constantly does stuff like this just for the drama it creates. She also will pathologically do stuff like this to undermine a person’s confidence. She wants the women who married in to the family to know they aren’t wanted. She loved her one son in law. He could do no wrong even though he was pretty terrible to her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were expecting way too much out of this relationship. Now you've learned that. It's good information to have going forward. Do you have kids? If not, be glad you learned this before kids.

I agree. I learned that at 17 when I was a host child in an American family. Same goes for in laws. They are not your friends. They are someone you are cordial with but no more. Your interests and needs will be opposite 99% of the time.

That's because you had sex with your host sister's boyfriend, you tool.

Haha nooo I wasn’t privy to that American tradition then lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to address my hurt feelings with my mil tomorrow instead of just cutting back because I have to be an adult and address it with her

This is actually not very adult
Learn your lesson and move on

So addressing your feelings with family is a problem?

By doing that you will make yourself vulnerable and she will gaslight you - saying that you are petty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

I'm a NP and who knows if someone will get to this page, but just in case you are still there, OP...

There is another way to look at this. You say (paraphrasing here) that based on her past behavior, you thought you were family to her. So what I'm hearing is that she's always been inclusive with respect to you, over the years.
So she's done 10,000 things over the years to make you feel like family, but one thing and BAM! She's dead to you.
If you look at it that way, you are the one being a bit over-the-top. Also, if you look at it that way, what your MIL did is so out of character, it's important to look at alternative explanations.

This is what I think happened. Your MIL put her foot in her mouth by using the word "family." It's sort of a go-to word when talking about recipes, so I see why she did it, but yep, that was a real flub. However; I suspect what's going on here is the following....she likes making the recipe for her son, and by extension, for you. She likes it that her boy comes over for her famous X recipe. It's something she can give him that is special, and if she gives that recipe to you, then you'll make it at home for him, and it won't be special anymore. And she likes that you love the recipe--she likes pleasing you, as well.

She just screwed up in conveying this.

I'm a mom of adult girls, but I've watched my boy mom friends now for so many years, and often it's hard for them to give up their boys, because their boys' attention to them often wanes so much when they get a wife. So the boy-moms cling to little "keepsake" things that keep their sons happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

I'm a NP and who knows if someone will get to this page, but just in case you are still there, OP...

There is another way to look at this. You say (paraphrasing here) that based on her past behavior, you thought you were family to her. So what I'm hearing is that she's always been inclusive with respect to you, over the years.
So she's done 10,000 things over the years to make you feel like family, but one thing and BAM! She's dead to you.
If you look at it that way, you are the one being a bit over-the-top. Also, if you look at it that way, what your MIL did is so out of character, it's important to look at alternative explanations.

This is what I think happened. Your MIL put her foot in her mouth by using the word "family." It's sort of a go-to word when talking about recipes, so I see why she did it, but yep, that was a real flub. However; I suspect what's going on here is the following....she likes making the recipe for her son, and by extension, for you. She likes it that her boy comes over for her famous X recipe. It's something she can give him that is special, and if she gives that recipe to you, then you'll make it at home for him, and it won't be special anymore. And she likes that you love the recipe--she likes pleasing you, as well.

She just screwed up in conveying this.

I'm a mom of adult girls, but I've watched my boy mom friends now for so many years, and often it's hard for them to give up their boys, because their boys' attention to them often wanes so much when they get a wife. So the boy-moms cling to little "keepsake" things that keep their sons happy.

I think this is really well put and worthy of thinking about OP. I know you are ready to disconnect from your MIL but given your previous history with her, which was warm and loving, I think this is worthy of asking her to go out to lunch or dinner with you one on one to discuss your feelings. I think you should air out to her exactly why you are sad about her words and see how she responds. Don’t hide behind your husband, be direct.

[Anonymous]

Can you point out the ridiculousness of her position by having your husband ask his mom for the recipe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

It's just pie. I get it but honestly I would just ask the niece for the recipe! If this is the only complaint you have I think you are blowing things up for small reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to address my hurt feelings with my mil tomorrow instead of just cutting back because I have to be an adult and address it with her

This is actually not very adult
Learn your lesson and move on

So addressing your feelings with family is a problem?

I think that’s just a troll.

Is it possible your MIL is not always tactful and thoughtlessly said that because she didn’t want to share her recipe? Some people just don’t like to share recipes. The reason she gave is hurtful but I’m not sure it’s worth burning bridges over. You don’t have to be so chummy but you’re going to have to deal with her for years to come. I personally would let my DH communicate this to his mom, but that’s just how I would handle it.

In the OP, she said her MIL previously shared the recipe with her niece. She's willing to share, just not with OP.

Oh I didn’t read that part—that changes things. I would say not to be so chummy and would let my DH tell his mom how hurtful her words were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were expecting way too much out of this relationship. Now you've learned that. It's good information to have going forward. Do you have kids? If not, be glad you learned this before kids.

I agree. I learned that at 17 when I was a host child in an American family. Same goes for in laws. They are not your friends. They are someone you are cordial with but no more. Your interests and needs will be opposite 99% of the time.

Speak for yourself. Sorry your host family did not include you as you wished, that is their loss. But not all families, in-laws, etc operate like that. My family does not. I am very close to my in-laws.