Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

Wrong. You don’t have to be friends with everyone and include everyone. It’s extremely irresponsible to teach girls that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. We don’t need to ourselves out and have relationships with people we no longer care to socialize with.

This!!! A girl finds people she likes to hang out with that are new. Who cares! Leave her alone. Her old friends don't own her.

You would be right if this were the full story...

It's nice and neat that OP bothered to tell you how cool her daughter was and how upset the other girl was that she left school early crying.

However she failed to tell you what was in the texts.

Do you not see how she is shaping the story, providing details when it suits her and not providing details when it dies not?

Her daughter texted some mean things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Other Mom doesn't want OP's DD to be kinder as she makes plans with whoever she wants to hang out with.

She wants OP's DD to be willing to pull her daughter into her new social group, due to some perceived loyalty, and OP's DD doesn't want to.

It's past the time for social engineering. Other Mom does not get to dictate who has to be friends with her kid.

Ill bet other mom wished OPs DD also wasn’t a rude ass about it. That might have helped.

Yeah I'm sure she wants to meet up with OP to say, "I just think your daughter could be a little kinder and more sensitive! If she wants to hang out with a different group and not include my daughter, of course that's totally fine! I have no issue with that!"

Roll your eyes all you like but since OP hasn't elaborated on what was actually said is telling. It wasn't nice and had the message been delivered in a kinder less rude way, perhaps the ex friend might have taken it better. And maybe her mom would have been more inclined to let the girls sort it out. If OPs daughter was nice she would have said so. The fact that she suggests she could have been kinder means she was probably pretty heinous.

Thank goodness other pps caught the bolded!. OP provided silly details and left out necessary ones.

[Anonymous]

This is all a mess.
Everybody teach your girls to treat others with kindness and apologize when you are called out.
Also, not everybody is going to be friends. You can expect kindness from (most?) people (ok some people).
Being excluded sucks and it’s ok to wallow. After some time of being out in your place by this other person, you’ll rise up and be a friend to others.

We can’t control other people wanting to be our friend, but we can reach out to that people we care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Or "a" thing. Girls who fare well socially at this age also end up being targets. They're all just kids, figuring things out, and it's time for the moms to step away. I know it's hard to see your kid hurting, but you do not approach the other mom, and get the mutual mom friends involved. You encourage your own kid to be around others who appreciate her. Full stop.

My DD12 is very sweet. She got an award at camp this summer for "making everyone feel like they belong." That's her way and I'm very proud of her.

She's also beautiful, a top student, and gets the lead in the musicals. Haters come for her, regardless of the fact that she is really nice to everyone. There are times when she wants to hang out with some kids and not others-- I have seen the texts. She is never mean. Does that mean kids never gossip about her and say things that aren't true? No.

Unfortunately, some of the kids painting themselves as victims do nasty and underhanded things. Some of their moms would rather blame some ambiguously "cool" girl for the fact that their kid is floundering a bit trying to find their way in MS. (Which is normal!)

Recently, a girl (Larla- very nice) asked DD to see a play some mutual friends were in and they went. Just the two of them. Another friend (NOT a bestie, but someone she's known for a long time) who is not friends with Larla, but knows her, also came to the play with her mom and was upset about that DD was there with Larla. DD did nothing, but her friend is just sad about it, and probably complains to her mother about it. To this girl, it's just a crime that DD had fun plans with Larla. It's something that DD did that was wrong. It sounds insane, but I have empathy. It's a tough age, they're going through a lot, everything is changing.

The point is they are all kids and deserve some grace. But automatically blaming the child who may have more social capital isn't right. I'm trying to teach my DD to ignore this kind of thing. But it's not right.

Duh, the other friend asked your DD to go and your DD told her she didn’t want to go/couldn’t go/ some other excuse.

Mothers like you and OP are just painful. Is it that you are that dumb or just ignoring that your child is not perfect ? who knows - maybe both. But listening to you people IRL is just mind numbing.

And to the OP - you will be in the other mothers position during the next few years. It happens. Save your post so you can come back to it when it happens to your DD so at least you can laugh at your silliness and bloated self image.

The friend hadn't talked to my DD in a long time. They go to different schools. Their last interaction was the friend coming to my DD's birthday party a few weeks prior.

Duh, kids are sensitive and get upset about things that rationally they have no business getting upset about.

A few weeks is not a "long time."

Thanks so much for pointing that out! It's super relevant. All I was saying is that they did not discuss this hang out, or any similar hang out. My daughter did not leave her out in any way, shape or form. It's hard for you to believe, for some reason, but a kid complaining about a social interaction that doesn't involve them is not always the most trustworthy source.

[Anonymous]

A lot will depend on age. How old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Apparently I'm the outlier here but thought when OP put "cool" in quotation marks that was her way of saying she doesn't think her DD is cooler than anyone, and I also thought she made it clear she didn't think her DD handled this in the best way.

The DD here made an error and didn't use the nicest language but reading 13 pages of comments here a lot of you are right there with her on that, your name is not attached. Kids/teens make mistakes and I'm sure she is going to be on the receiving end of some unkind words in the future, for this or something else.

Mom, I don't think you or your DD are the enemy here and I like the advice about reaching out to the other mom about lunch. I do think it's going to be awkward for you but it's worth making the effort.

[Anonymous]

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least).

I 100 percent agree that there is no reason to be a jerk to someone, but as a grown adult, I have, in a respectful manner, had to let some friendships go. It's not that the people were bad people, or I thought I was cooler. I have 3 kids, one of whom has significant SN, a full time job, and a husband who works irregular hours as an LEO. If I am not finding that I have a fair amount to talk about with someone - at this present time, not in the past - I don't honestly don't have the capacity to get together with them with any frequency just for the sake of maintaining an old time friendship.

Again, I am not excusing mean girl behavior, but it is fine to decline invites politely if you are no longer wanting to spend time with someone. You can indeed have too many friends, if you are not really connecting with a person and your time is a limited resource.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to add one thing here - I think mom friendships can be hard as kids get older. My teen son is friends with a kid and I am friends with his mom. My friend's son is not a jerk, and has not completely ditched my son, but sees him less often than he used to due to being more popular and having a girlfriend. The kid is fine - he still sees my son every other month or so, because that is the free time he has.

However, I find it hard to hang out with his mom and hear about all of the fun social stuff this kid has going on outside of my son. Rationally, I KNOW it is wrong to feel this way, but it doesn't change how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently I'm the outlier here but thought when OP put "cool" in quotation marks that was her way of saying she doesn't think her DD is cooler than anyone, and I also thought she made it clear she didn't think her DD handled this in the best way.

The DD here made an error and didn't use the nicest language but reading 13 pages of comments here a lot of you are right there with her on that, your name is not attached. Kids/teens make mistakes and I'm sure she is going to be on the receiving end of some unkind words in the future, for this or something else.

Mom, I don't think you or your DD are the enemy here and I like the advice about reaching out to the other mom about lunch. I do think it's going to be awkward for you but it's worth making the effort.

Stop with the rationality!

Totally agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least).

I 100 percent agree that there is no reason to be a jerk to someone, but as a grown adult, I have, in a respectful manner, had to let some friendships go. It's not that the people were bad people, or I thought I was cooler. I have 3 kids, one of whom has significant SN, a full time job, and a husband who works irregular hours as an LEO. If I am not finding that I have a fair amount to talk about with someone - at this present time, not in the past - I don't honestly don't have the capacity to get together with them with any frequency just for the sake of maintaining an old time friendship.

Again, I am not excusing mean girl behavior, but it is fine to decline invites politely if you are no longer wanting to spend time with someone. You can indeed have too many friends, if you are not really connecting with a person and your time is a limited resource.

We’ve all let some friendships go. That isn’t what happened here, I think?

OP’s daughter invited the other girl to her birthday party, which seems to imply friendship. Then a few weeks later when the other girl asked if she could hang out with OP’s daughter and her new friends, OP’s daughter said no. It sounds like she was a little mean in the texts, or at least unkind.

Come on, ladies. That isn’t what “letting a friendship go” or “drifting apart” means. You dont drift apart in the space of a few weeks, after inviting the other girl to your birthday party. OP later acknowledged that her DD just doesn’t like the other girl. I don’t agree with what the other mom did, btw. But it sounds a lot like Regina George in Mean Girls: “You can’t sit with us!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

I agree. This girl has known OP's daughter for YEARS. Even if they aren't best friends, OP's daughter needs to be inclusive. Invite the girl to hang out until she finds her footing. It's the beginning of the school year/end of summer. Lots of friend groups are changing. Eventually the girl will find new friends or realize that OP's daughter doesn't want to be friends and start hanging out with only the other girls in the original group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

I agree. This girl has known OP's daughter for YEARS. Even if they aren't best friends, OP's daughter needs to be inclusive. Invite the girl to hang out until she finds her footing. It's the beginning of the school year/end of summer. Lots of friend groups are changing. Eventually the girl will find new friends or realize that OP's daughter doesn't want to be friends and start hanging out with only the other girls in the original group.

No, she doesn't. I'm starting to think some of you don't have kids or at least not t(w)eens.

I am not OP but I have a 7th grader, and there are friends my kid has known for YEARS, like since K... whom they talk to pretty much never. Friendly. Not enemies. But have drifted away. In different groups. No logical parent would say, "Oh yeah whatever you are doing now, you need to include those friends you have had since early elementary if they want to be included." I don't think the moms of even the most socially awkward kids I know would advocate for this.

Also - OP did not say that the other girl has no one to hang out with.