Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

Wrong. You don’t have to be friends with everyone and include everyone. It’s extremely irresponsible to teach girls that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. We don’t need to ourselves out and have relationships with people we no longer care to socialize with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s clear that OP is raising a mean girl and is perfectly okay with excluding behaviors. OP just isn’t okay with the behavior being directed at her. Ah, sweet irony. Here’s thing that OP should recognize - this drama wouldn’t have any juice among her friend group if they didn’t think her DD was a mean girl. If her DD (and mother) were perfectly sweet, people would be defending her or trying not to get involved.

I read the OP (+ the follow ups) and I don’t get the mean girl read at all. It’s not clear at all. I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen and that’s coloring your read.

This is always the classic response from people who don’t teach their kids kindness. I was on varsity soccer and student class president, but gasp, I never made another girl cry and leave school early. I was nice to everyone. I guess that is why I got voted in. I was also in a sorority and a Rho Chi. No social problems whatsoever and I’m proud to say my daughter isn’t a mean girl.

The PP you are responding to is not going to get it because she is clearly mean herself. "I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen." I mean, who says that besides a mean girl?

Being popular doesn't make you mean. OP's kid excluded another girl in a group text in a way that made her leave school early crying. This is a big freaking hint OP's kid was unkind. Either it was unintentionally mean and OP's daughter needs to learn better social graces, or it was intentionally mean and OP is in denial.

I’m the PP you quoted. I was not super cool in HS. I did know enough to not leave school early or go crying to mommy over a social slight. My mother also knew better enough to blow up the 2000’s version of her friend group group chat over social slights.

This response, plus your earlier one, tells me everything I need to know about where you lie on the mean girl spectrum. Next.

Pot, meet kettle

I agree with the PP. Everything you write drips with meanness. You can honestly not see that? Whether or not you were super cool in high school is irrelevant. Some not cool kids are also mean.

A teenager leaving HS early to cry to her mother about a social slight is very strange behavior. I don’t care if you think I’m a mean girl or not.

[Anonymous]

Reading through this I am so glad I only have boys. You woman are PATHETIC in how involved you are in your daughters social lives. Still social engineering when they are teens? Describing conflict as bullying? Damn. My boys have had conflicts with friends and never ever ever to I intervene with the parents or call other parents or do parents call me. That’s a boundary I’d never cross and is for
My boys to figure out. They’ve had arguments and said nasty stuff to friends and then 2 days later are hanging out again. Some kids they’ve moved away from and nobody harps on it.

You women really infantilize your daughters. Let them find their own way and for gods sake stop referring to normal teen conflict as bullying. You sound pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

Saw this why my daughter. She was the one excluded when the “cool” girls moved on

And the cool girls were just like their moms.

You know you will start excluding the mom now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading through this I am so glad I only have boys. You woman are PATHETIC in how involved you are in your daughters social lives. Still social engineering when they are teens? Describing conflict as bullying? Damn. My boys have had conflicts with friends and never ever ever to I intervene with the parents or call other parents or do parents call me. That’s a boundary I’d never cross and is for
My boys to figure out. They’ve had arguments and said nasty stuff to friends and then 2 days later are hanging out again. Some kids they’ve moved away from and nobody harps on it.

You women really infantilize your daughters. Let them find their own way and for gods sake stop referring to normal teen conflict as bullying. You sound pathetic.

As another parent of boys, I don't think the posters on this thread are pathetic so much as baffling. I don't understand any of this, can't relate.

Some girl texted something, another girl cried. Okay, fine, it happens, it sux. What does that have to do with OP or her friend group? Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

Wrong. You don’t have to be friends with everyone and include everyone. It’s extremely irresponsible to teach girls that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. We don’t need to ourselves out and have relationships with people we no longer care to socialize with.

This!!! A girl finds people she likes to hang out with that are new. Who cares! Leave her alone. Her old friends don't own her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading through this I am so glad I only have boys. You woman are PATHETIC in how involved you are in your daughters social lives. Still social engineering when they are teens? Describing conflict as bullying? Damn. My boys have had conflicts with friends and never ever ever to I intervene with the parents or call other parents or do parents call me. That’s a boundary I’d never cross and is for
My boys to figure out. They’ve had arguments and said nasty stuff to friends and then 2 days later are hanging out again. Some kids they’ve moved away from and nobody harps on it.

You women really infantilize your daughters. Let them find their own way and for gods sake stop referring to normal teen conflict as bullying. You sound pathetic.

Feel better for being a bully yourself? You didn't have to respond but yet here you are feeling superior. SAD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading through this I am so glad I only have boys. You woman are PATHETIC in how involved you are in your daughters social lives. Still social engineering when they are teens? Describing conflict as bullying? Damn. My boys have had conflicts with friends and never ever ever to I intervene with the parents or call other parents or do parents call me. That’s a boundary I’d never cross and is for
My boys to figure out. They’ve had arguments and said nasty stuff to friends and then 2 days later are hanging out again. Some kids they’ve moved away from and nobody harps on it.

You women really infantilize your daughters. Let them find their own way and for gods sake stop referring to normal teen conflict as bullying. You sound pathetic.

Feel better for being a bully yourself? You didn't have to respond but yet here you are feeling superior. SAD!

Oh my god. This is not bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading through this I am so glad I only have boys. You woman are PATHETIC in how involved you are in your daughters social lives. Still social engineering when they are teens? Describing conflict as bullying? Damn. My boys have had conflicts with friends and never ever ever to I intervene with the parents or call other parents or do parents call me. That’s a boundary I’d never cross and is for
My boys to figure out. They’ve had arguments and said nasty stuff to friends and then 2 days later are hanging out again. Some kids they’ve moved away from and nobody harps on it.

You women really infantilize your daughters. Let them find their own way and for gods sake stop referring to normal teen conflict as bullying. You sound pathetic.

Lol. You have no experience with the topic being discussed, yet here you are ranting and insulting random people and appearing weirdly invested in a DCUM thread. Some may say that’s this is also extremely pathetic. #boymom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading through this I am so glad I only have boys. You woman are PATHETIC in how involved you are in your daughters social lives. Still social engineering when they are teens? Describing conflict as bullying? Damn. My boys have had conflicts with friends and never ever ever to I intervene with the parents or call other parents or do parents call me. That’s a boundary I’d never cross and is for
My boys to figure out. They’ve had arguments and said nasty stuff to friends and then 2 days later are hanging out again. Some kids they’ve moved away from and nobody harps on it.

You women really infantilize your daughters. Let them find their own way and for gods sake stop referring to normal teen conflict as bullying. You sound pathetic.

As another parent of boys, I don't think the posters on this thread are pathetic so much as baffling. I don't understand any of this, can't relate.

Some girl texted something, another girl cried. Okay, fine, it happens, it sux. What does that have to do with OP or her friend group? Huh?

Why are you on this thread if you don’t have girls and are “baffled” by the topic? That is what I don’t understand. I scroll right by threads that don’t apply to me/I don’t understand. But thanks for your contribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Other Mom doesn't want OP's DD to be kinder as she makes plans with whoever she wants to hang out with.

She wants OP's DD to be willing to pull her daughter into her new social group, due to some perceived loyalty, and OP's DD doesn't want to.

It's past the time for social engineering. Other Mom does not get to dictate who has to be friends with her kid.

Ill bet other mom wished OPs DD also wasn’t a rude ass about it. That might have helped.

Yeah I'm sure she wants to meet up with OP to say, "I just think your daughter could be a little kinder and more sensitive! If she wants to hang out with a different group and not include my daughter, of course that's totally fine! I have no issue with that!"

Roll your eyes all you like but since OP hasn't elaborated on what was actually said is telling. It wasn't nice and had the message been delivered in a kinder less rude way, perhaps the ex friend might have taken it better. And maybe her mom would have been more inclined to let the girls sort it out. If OPs daughter was nice she would have said so. The fact that she suggests she could have been kinder means she was probably pretty heinous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

Wrong. You don’t have to be friends with everyone and include everyone. It’s extremely irresponsible to teach girls that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. We don’t need to ourselves out and have relationships with people we no longer care to socialize with.

That's not the issue here and it's quite clear that the issue is "coolness" and how OPs DD went about it. And OP, too, frankly.
You cannot choose not to hang with someone anymore, though I would also suggest you can also choose to be civil and be around someone you don't have much in common with from time to time (that's what grown ups do). It is HOW you do it that matters. And the fact you don't get that says alot about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

Wrong. You don’t have to be friends with everyone and include everyone. It’s extremely irresponsible to teach girls that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. We don’t need to ourselves out and have relationships with people we no longer care to socialize with.

This!!! A girl finds people she likes to hang out with that are new. Who cares! Leave her alone. Her old friends don't own her.

Jerk move for ditching them. And yes, if you've ever been on the receiving end of it, it's a jerk move. You make people feel terrible. If OP or her kid had any courage whatsoever, they'd have a conversation and not simply exclude and expect everyone to be alright about it. But they are cowards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I should have added that I do think a direct conversation with the other mom where you tell her, "hey, I'm sorry the girls seem to be growing apart, I don't want to try and run my kid's social life, but I definitely do care that she is kind" is a good idea. But I would also be doing a whole lot of talking to my kid and would really hope my kid would learn to handle a future, similar situation more thoughtfully.

This is the crux of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Or "a" thing. Girls who fare well socially at this age also end up being targets. They're all just kids, figuring things out, and it's time for the moms to step away. I know it's hard to see your kid hurting, but you do not approach the other mom, and get the mutual mom friends involved. You encourage your own kid to be around others who appreciate her. Full stop.

My DD12 is very sweet. She got an award at camp this summer for "making everyone feel like they belong." That's her way and I'm very proud of her.

She's also beautiful, a top student, and gets the lead in the musicals. Haters come for her, regardless of the fact that she is really nice to everyone. There are times when she wants to hang out with some kids and not others-- I have seen the texts. She is never mean. Does that mean kids never gossip about her and say things that aren't true? No.

Unfortunately, some of the kids painting themselves as victims do nasty and underhanded things. Some of their moms would rather blame some ambiguously "cool" girl for the fact that their kid is floundering a bit trying to find their way in MS. (Which is normal!)

Recently, a girl (Larla- very nice) asked DD to see a play some mutual friends were in and they went. Just the two of them. Another friend (NOT a bestie, but someone she's known for a long time) who is not friends with Larla, but knows her, also came to the play with her mom and was upset about that DD was there with Larla. DD did nothing, but her friend is just sad about it, and probably complains to her mother about it. To this girl, it's just a crime that DD had fun plans with Larla. It's something that DD did that was wrong. It sounds insane, but I have empathy. It's a tough age, they're going through a lot, everything is changing.

The point is they are all kids and deserve some grace. But automatically blaming the child who may have more social capital isn't right. I'm trying to teach my DD to ignore this kind of thing. But it's not right.

Duh, the other friend asked your DD to go and your DD told her she didn’t want to go/couldn’t go/ some other excuse.

Mothers like you and OP are just painful. Is it that you are that dumb or just ignoring that your child is not perfect ? who knows - maybe both. But listening to you people IRL is just mind numbing.

And to the OP - you will be in the other mothers position during the next few years. It happens. Save your post so you can come back to it when it happens to your DD so at least you can laugh at your silliness and bloated self image.

The friend hadn't talked to my DD in a long time. They go to different schools. Their last interaction was the friend coming to my DD's birthday party a few weeks prior.

Duh, kids are sensitive and get upset about things that rationally they have no business getting upset about.

A few weeks is not a "long time."