Asked my husband for some basic things for mothers day - now he'll be spending most of the weekend with his parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, gosh this blew up. I know I am going to get slammed for adding this piece of context about why I'm particularly annoyed about the pushing of mothers day on DH.

Yes, DH left today to go spend the day with his family. It's fine, I didn't go as reccomended and am actually enjoying some quiet time at home.

The frustrating/annoying part about this is, DH's parents lives 2+ hours way in a cabin BUT his parents never sold their original family home in town, that they rent out to their other adult children.

They could have hosted a mothers day in town and limited everyone to 15-30 minutes drive time, but insisted on hosting at their cabin 2+ hours away. I didn't want my 4 y/o to have to spend Saturday 4 hours in the car, I didn't want to be responsible for cleaning the house on Saturday.

And I do appreciate the cleaner suggestion. We are relatively frugal and try to save money, so a cleaner would be nice but it's kind of out of our budget. I might look for one that's in our budget, last time we had a cleaner it was $400-500/month and I preferred to just save the money and do the cleaning myself. I am the kind of person that needs to have a clean home, if it gets messy and gross (and it does, with a 4 year old, messy husband, toys, sheets needing to be washed and laundry needing to be done ... etc)..

I asked DH why he thinks FIL is so insistent on hosting this weekend and he said:

It's because his Dad did renovations on his cabin and wants to show off his new garage. The most annoying part is grandma lives 20 MINUTES AWAY from our house! DH can visit her anytime he wants. FIL is asking the 90+ year old grandparents to sit in a car also for 4+ hours in one day. DH has *never* visited his grandmother for mothers day in his entire adult life, but spends ample time with her every once in a while going to lunch, church, etc.

You have control issues.
You probably don't think so, but you do.
Your husband will spend time with you tomorrow on Mother's day. Let the rest go.

Agree. This update really doesn’t add much. Your husband took your child and spent the day with his mom and grandma. That’s totally fine for a Mother’s Day weekend. Enjoy your day tomorrow!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no matter how healthy she appears, at 90, every day is a gift. In your shoes, I'd stuff the house cleaning and join my husband and child and go visit grandma.

Find another way to get what you want. Ask your husband to give you what you want (clean house, no cooking, etc.) next weekend. Nothing magical about Mother's Day, per se.

Seriously! Wtf does no one notice the glaring point that DH’s grandmother will be visiting AND DH is giving her a day to herself AND OP still managed to managed to make it about her? This is really self-focused.

Because she asked for him to do all of the cleaning on Saturday so they could have family time on Sunday, but now he’s likely not going to do the cleaning on Saturday because of the visit, so it either won’t get done or dh will be doing it on Sunday instead of enjoying family time or OP has to do it. FIL couldn’t get dh to do his bidding until he used 90+ granny as a pawn because every holiday, no matter how minor, could be her last one.

It’s a valid reason for OP’s husband to visit.

That’s why FIL set it up yesterday. Nothing else was working so he needed more leverage.

I bet Grandma doesn't even show up! J/K dh is wrong but it's doubtful fil is that manipulative.

No evidence FIL set it up and there is nothing wrong with DH spending the Saturday of Mother’s Day weekend with his mom and grandma. It doesn’t interfere with OP’s holiday on SUNDAY.

How did you conclude that? FIL’s first 3 invitations were declined. Then, suddenly, he sweetens the pot by saying that grandma is traveling a couple hours to be part of celebration — potentially her last. Do you think a nonagenarian made last minute plans to travel several hours? What are the odds she’s driving herself?

You made this up. The visit could easily have been initiated by grandma. Either way, it’s a valid reason for her husband to want to be there.

No I didn’t. “My FIL called my husband again TODAY and said that now my husbands grandmother will be travelling 2+ hours on Mothers Day and that it ‘might be her last mothers day’ and asked my husband again, to go.” Turns out, grandma only lives 20 minutes away from OP and DH and there’s no reason why he can’t see her whenever he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds heavenly.

I would take myself out so fast. I'd start with a long run and a shower. Then I'd get a coffee and a pastry at our local coffee shope, then head for a mani pedi. Maybe I'd do a little shopping (only for me), followed by a binge of I Robot or some other binge worthy series. Don't waste your time complaining. Relish the time!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do individual cleaning tasks every day, so weekends can be free to enjoy OP. My house is never all clean all at once, but I rotate through the tasks so every two weeks things are done.

Cleaning every Saturday as a young adult was fine for me, but not something I want to do now.

this same. my husband also cleans throughout the week. it never feels like a huge burden all at once. laundry every couple days, deep bathroom clean every couple weeks maybe one a weekend morning or random weeknight, kitchen gets cleaned well every night, vacuum/dusting also a seperate task.

Spreading it out like this helps a lot.

we have two elementary school kids, and with all the birthday parties/activities on weekends I can't imagine dedicating all of one whole weekend day to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, gosh this blew up. I know I am going to get slammed for adding this piece of context about why I'm particularly annoyed about the pushing of mothers day on DH.

Yes, DH left today to go spend the day with his family. It's fine, I didn't go as reccomended and am actually enjoying some quiet time at home.

The frustrating/annoying part about this is, DH's parents lives 2+ hours way in a cabin BUT his parents never sold their original family home in town, that they rent out to their other adult children.

They could have hosted a mothers day in town and limited everyone to 15-30 minutes drive time, but insisted on hosting at their cabin 2+ hours away. I didn't want my 4 y/o to have to spend Saturday 4 hours in the car, I didn't want to be responsible for cleaning the house on Saturday.

And I do appreciate the cleaner suggestion. We are relatively frugal and try to save money, so a cleaner would be nice but it's kind of out of our budget. I might look for one that's in our budget, last time we had a cleaner it was $400-500/month and I preferred to just save the money and do the cleaning myself. I am the kind of person that needs to have a clean home, if it gets messy and gross (and it does, with a 4 year old, messy husband, toys, sheets needing to be washed and laundry needing to be done ... etc)..

I asked DH why he thinks FIL is so insistent on hosting this weekend and he said:

It's because his Dad did renovations on his cabin and wants to show off his new garage. The most annoying part is grandma lives 20 MINUTES AWAY from our house! DH can visit her anytime he wants. FIL is asking the 90+ year old grandparents to sit in a car also for 4+ hours in one day. DH has *never* visited his grandmother for mothers day in his entire adult life, but spends ample time with her every once in a while going to lunch, church, etc.

Can understand you not wanting child in car for 4 hours. But ultimately it’s your husband’s family, if he wants to do something like that I guess he can.

You mentioned being frugal. I understand that also. I would suggest maybe you hire a house cleaner 1x a month if that’s in budget, to cut out one of the cleanings. If you need to clean once a month that has less of an impact on your schedules and relationship stress than 2x. If you can, I would personally reevaluate this cost. Is it worth it to you to have less stress? How much is it costing you to hold on to doing things by yourself — in terms of personal stress, family stress, relationship stress?

I am a big fan of DIY myself and dislike the fact that my husband throws money at problems. But I do see the value of lowering stress overall and being happier, as stress has tangible costs be they medical or psychological or relational that you will need to pay for later. You can always balance out the cleaning budget by using the time and energy freed to put more time into your career, fix other things around the house, or just invest in yourself and your family’s happiness etc.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no matter how healthy she appears, at 90, every day is a gift. In your shoes, I'd stuff the house cleaning and join my husband and child and go visit grandma.

Find another way to get what you want. Ask your husband to give you what you want (clean house, no cooking, etc.) next weekend. Nothing magical about Mother's Day, per se.

Seriously! Wtf does no one notice the glaring point that DH’s grandmother will be visiting AND DH is giving her a day to herself AND OP still managed to managed to make it about her? This is really self-focused.

Because she asked for him to do all of the cleaning on Saturday so they could have family time on Sunday, but now he’s likely not going to do the cleaning on Saturday because of the visit, so it either won’t get done or dh will be doing it on Sunday instead of enjoying family time or OP has to do it. FIL couldn’t get dh to do his bidding until he used 90+ granny as a pawn because every holiday, no matter how minor, could be her last one.

It’s a valid reason for OP’s husband to visit.

That’s why FIL set it up yesterday. Nothing else was working so he needed more leverage.

I bet Grandma doesn't even show up! J/K dh is wrong but it's doubtful fil is that manipulative.

No evidence FIL set it up and there is nothing wrong with DH spending the Saturday of Mother’s Day weekend with his mom and grandma. It doesn’t interfere with OP’s holiday on SUNDAY.

How did you conclude that? FIL’s first 3 invitations were declined. Then, suddenly, he sweetens the pot by saying that grandma is traveling a couple hours to be part of celebration — potentially her last. Do you think a nonagenarian made last minute plans to travel several hours? What are the odds she’s driving herself?

You made this up. The visit could easily have been initiated by grandma. Either way, it’s a valid reason for her husband to want to be there.

No I didn’t. “My FIL called my husband again TODAY and said that now my husbands grandmother will be travelling 2+ hours on Mothers Day and that it ‘might be her last mothers day’ and asked my husband again, to go.” Turns out, grandma only lives 20 minutes away from OP and DH and there’s no reason why he can’t see her whenever he wants.

That doesn’t mean it wasn’t grandma herself who wanted to spend the day at her daughter’s house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, you complain a lot.

OP here -

I just wanted to spend time with my family and feel appreciated.

You can have that on Sunday. Fellow mom here - you don’t get to claim the entire weekend. You get Sunday. Family goes out to breakfast and then you go do something you enjoy while they clean the house.

Not true. DH and I were supposed to watch my favorite show on TV last night for Mother’s Week, but he blew me off after putting the kids to bed, to meet up with an old friend in town for business. I am giving him the silent treatment.

What is this?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no matter how healthy she appears, at 90, every day is a gift. In your shoes, I'd stuff the house cleaning and join my husband and child and go visit grandma.

Find another way to get what you want. Ask your husband to give you what you want (clean house, no cooking, etc.) next weekend. Nothing magical about Mother's Day, per se.

Seriously! Wtf does no one notice the glaring point that DH’s grandmother will be visiting AND DH is giving her a day to herself AND OP still managed to managed to make it about her? This is really self-focused.

Because she asked for him to do all of the cleaning on Saturday so they could have family time on Sunday, but now he’s likely not going to do the cleaning on Saturday because of the visit, so it either won’t get done or dh will be doing it on Sunday instead of enjoying family time or OP has to do it. FIL couldn’t get dh to do his bidding until he used 90+ granny as a pawn because every holiday, no matter how minor, could be her last one.

It’s a valid reason for OP’s husband to visit.

That’s why FIL set it up yesterday. Nothing else was working so he needed more leverage.

I bet Grandma doesn't even show up! J/K dh is wrong but it's doubtful fil is that manipulative.

No evidence FIL set it up and there is nothing wrong with DH spending the Saturday of Mother’s Day weekend with his mom and grandma. It doesn’t interfere with OP’s holiday on SUNDAY.

How did you conclude that? FIL’s first 3 invitations were declined. Then, suddenly, he sweetens the pot by saying that grandma is traveling a couple hours to be part of celebration — potentially her last. Do you think a nonagenarian made last minute plans to travel several hours? What are the odds she’s driving herself?

You made this up. The visit could easily have been initiated by grandma. Either way, it’s a valid reason for her husband to want to be there.

No I didn’t. “My FIL called my husband again TODAY and said that now my husbands grandmother will be travelling 2+ hours on Mothers Day and that it ‘might be her last mothers day’ and asked my husband again, to go.” Turns out, grandma only lives 20 minutes away from OP and DH and there’s no reason why he can’t see her whenever he wants.

That doesn’t mean it wasn’t grandma herself who wanted to spend the day at her daughter’s house.

What does that have to do with any of this? OP’s dh wasn’t going to go until FIL told him that grandma was making the trip and it could be her last. Grandma didn’t summon OP’s dh. FIL wanted to show off his garage, so he just kept working on his son until son caved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we have a good idea why the DH likes to "go fishing" every weekend.

+1 OP sounds clingy

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Okay, you complain a lot.

OP here -

I just wanted to spend time with my family and feel appreciated.

You can have that on Sunday. Fellow mom here - you don’t get to claim the entire weekend. You get Sunday. Family goes out to breakfast and then you go do something you enjoy while they clean the house.

Not true. DH and I were supposed to watch my favorite show on TV last night for Mother’s Week, but he blew me off after putting the kids to bed, to meet up with an old friend in town for business. I am giving him the silent treatment.

What is this?!?

I just burst out laughing at Mother’s Week. 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How on earth is cleaning a “big project” every Saturday of your life? Let the toilets go for two weeks for Pete’s sake.

Now, your husband is a jerk for going fishing three saturdays in a row and then not giving you what you want for Mother’s Day. I would 100% be having this conversation. But you cannot martyr yourself on the cross of needing this “big cleaning” every weekend as you have this discussion.

I want to see pictures of this hour. I mean, two people cleaning all day once a week is crazy. Or are you just that messy and dirty that your house needs that level of cleaning.