Reply to This is the first year in 13 years that I have completely dropped the rope with DH’s family

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "This is the first year in 13 years that I have completely dropped the rope with DH’s family "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated.  It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.[/quote]

That's on your nephew, not his wife.  [/quote]

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out. [/quote]

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care. [/quote]

If the nephew’s wife is SAH then yes the responsibility really should be hers. It’s sort of part of the deal. If he’s busting his buns to support her and the family she can reach out on his behalf. [/quote]

As a former SAH who divorced her do-nothing husband, I have to say I kind of agree that [b]a SAH wife is in the position of facilitatinging the family holiday experience[/b].
I didn't like having it ALL dumped on me when I was married, but I now that I am divorced and holidays have to be split evenly, I make sure that the kids see his family and even cut into what should be my holiday time if there are special events on his side of the family.  I make sure the kids get their dad a gift, but actually doing things for his family is in his purview. I'm not preventing anything, but making sure to give him the space - he could NEVER complain that I usurped any holiday time.

I'm not doing this for him or his family but for my kids.  I want my kids to know that I support their relationships with extended family.  What kind of mother would I be if I didn't? In no way do I want my kids to look at me in 10 years and think - [b]mom alienated us from dad's family.[/b][/quote]

The split in duties between one parent and a SAHP is a negotiation. How you do it may not be the way someone else does it.  The important thing is that roles/responsibilities are agreed upon, not assumed.

I also have to call out your internalized misogyny.  If your XDH shared custody of your kids, as long as you aren't bad mouthing his relatives, you are not alienating your kids from them.  HE is responsible for ensuring they have a relationship with HIS family.  Just because you are female, does NOT make YOU responsible.  You should better ensure your kids don't incorporate this misogyny into their mindset by holding you responsible for their father's responsibilites.  Is your XDH as concerned about the relationship your kids have with your side of the family?[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics