whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Manchild puts friends and hobbies first; wife mothers him.

You're the man in question there, right?

Not sure why the eyeroll, but I'm the wife. We're in couples therapy and both recognize our problems, but change requires constant effort and we can lapse.

The eyeroll was a comment on your appalling awfulness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money, I make it and she spends it. But she will happily spend more than I make. I’m doing everything I can to control it but she is very smart. Thankfully we don’t have children so my soon to come exit will not be painful. I’m thankful I have a prenup because when I do file she will face reality.

Does she work? I don't see this leading to divorce, whoever earns the money it's still joint. However, you can take better measures to control it and put forth a budget. Whose allowing her to spend more than you make?

I'd nip that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.

My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.

I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?

BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.

Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.

You’re doing it wrong. You have to assign your husband nights or entire jobs. As in you make dinner on Monday. Then don’t do anything. You don’t plan the menu, you don’t buy food, you don’t ask about it. If the baby isn’t served appropriate food then you ask what the baby is going to eat. See what he does. You’ll probably tell him he needs to go to the store to buy X or whatever.

Not really. My H is in charge with the laundry. Just the laundry, I do everything else. However, I end up doing the laundry too because someone has to do it. Last month I did a laundry strike so my H "started" doing the laundry. He left a load in the washing machine until it got moldy and he dumped the dirty clothes on the floor until we couldn't open the laundry door. Guess who ended up spending even more time trying to get the stench out of the moldy clothes and catching up with the laundry? Me. We both work FT.

Stop enabling. Get yourself a laundry basket and a basket for the kids. As soon as the kids are old enough, they should do their own laundry. You should do your own. Leave his alone.

[Anonymous]

I just find it amazing that some people have so much clothes to fill a machine when doing their own laundry ONLY. Let alone let clothes sit for days without washing. All clothes gets washed together in our house, cause none of us have that much clothes.

[Anonymous]

His drinking.

[Anonymous]

Me feeling like he doesn’t give me enough affection or listen to me. Or maybe he just doesn’t love me as much as I love him.

[Anonymous]

For me, sex. For her, she says her wants come last and she bears the mental load of the kids. She is SAHM and it works until it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him.

Isn't it flabbergasting that he can't figure out hy you don't want to have sex with him????!!!!

I get zero help around the house and my h wonders why I won;t be his sex doll.

+1000. His issue is lack of sex

My issue is you do nothing, zero.

Surely not a popular opinion on DCUM but I should make enough for you to SAHM, have someone clean the house, spend the morning in Starbucks, and then go to yoga and then you can birch at me that I don’t help.

The biggest issue is that men pursue women so the expect to be spoiled. I often wonder where my DW, from a working class family, came from. Where’s my Lexus LX, vacations to Nantucket, closet full of Lily and her and her friends look aghast that one of them might have to work. And for this I get disdain and starfish sex ? I realize now you should play catch and release with women.

This is not even remotely the norm, you are aware? Most wives work these days. Most SAHMs don’t expect such a lifestyle either. You are talking about a very tiny minority of women in America- your family lifestyle is not the norm at all and does not apply to most of the people in this board.

My advice? Move to a different neighborhood- different peer group, different values. Less stress.

Thst said, if your wife is as materialistic as you say- you probably are too. If you are you need to own that as well- I’m guessing you don’t want to downgrade your lifestyle either, and it isn’t completely “my wife wants all of this, not me! I’d be happy being working class if not for HER”. She didn’t create this lifestyle herself- you are married and have gone along with all of it. If you are unhappy about it- talk to your wife and change it.

Yes. My SAHM wife grew up upper middle class and went to elite schools. She takes children to gymnastics and buys me mugs on sale at Target and we drive Hyundais. Most of her friends work (albeit part time or non intense jobs) and she will again too when the kids are older. We went to Deep Creek Lake last year and spent $2k because that's what we needed to do to max the 401(k).

She likes being with the little ones now and they love the time with her. I work reasonably hard but work in the suburbs and am usually home by dinner. I am exempt from the laundry wars because DW took that as her territory. (I wash dishes, cook, outdoor stuff). We both have reasonable amounts of free time given that we have three children six and under.

Your post is like reason 1,000 that I am happy I quit biglaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just find it amazing that some people have so much clothes to fill a machine when doing their own laundry ONLY. Let alone let clothes sit for days without washing. All clothes gets washed together in our house, cause none of us have that much clothes.

What?! Don't you change your underwear and socks daily? At minimum we need per week 14 pairs of adult underwear, 28 pairs of socks, 7 bras, 14 pairs of pants for the kids, 14 long sleeve shirts, 7 undershirts for DH, and 7 tops for me. Add 3 sheet sets, 8 towels and 3 hand towels changed twice/week, 3 sets of PJs for me and the kids changed bi-weekly, kitchen rags, sport uniforms. If you think DS can reuse the uniform after a double header game in 80 degrees, you are wrong. The toddler is newly PT, and the daycare needs 3 extra sets of clothes and a pair of shoes for accidents.
Something tells me you are not doing laundry at home with small kids. We do a lot, especially because we try to minimize dry cleaning. My kids are also super active and they get filthy playing outside in the dirt, hiking, etc. I run 3 times/week and I can't reuse my exercise clothes without washing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just find it amazing that some people have so much clothes to fill a machine when doing their own laundry ONLY. Let alone let clothes sit for days without washing. All clothes gets washed together in our house, cause none of us have that much clothes.

What?! Don't you change your underwear and socks daily? At minimum we need per week 14 pairs of adult underwear, 28 pairs of socks, 7 bras, 14 pairs of pants for the kids, 14 long sleeve shirts, 7 undershirts for DH, and 7 tops for me. Add 3 sheet sets, 8 towels and 3 hand towels changed twice/week, 3 sets of PJs for me and the kids changed bi-weekly, kitchen rags, sport uniforms. If you think DS can reuse the uniform after a double header game in 80 degrees, you are wrong. The toddler is newly PT, and the daycare needs 3 extra sets of clothes and a pair of shoes for accidents.
Something tells me you are not doing laundry at home with small kids. We do a lot, especially because we try to minimize dry cleaning. My kids are also super active and they get filthy playing outside in the dirt, hiking, etc. I run 3 times/week and I can't reuse my exercise clothes without washing them.

+1. We also have three kids and go through so.much.laundry! 2 boys who play baseball, DD plays soccer, DH and I both work out etc. I’m guessing we do 10 loads a week minimum around here- 6 of regular clothing, 2 of sheets and towels, 2 of sports uniforms etc thst need to be washed separately. Thst isn’t even including weeks where we might need to wash throw rugs or blankets or whatever. Also kitchen rags etc. I forgot those. It’s a lot if your family is active at all. It was much less when the kids were younger somehow.

[Anonymous]

He talks down to us. My kids even notice.

[Anonymous]

I have trust issues with her that may never be resolved in my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just find it amazing that some people have so much clothes to fill a machine when doing their own laundry ONLY. Let alone let clothes sit for days without washing. All clothes gets washed together in our house, cause none of us have that much clothes.

Clean underwear, socks, shirts for 4 people cam be a small load. include pants and you've got a big load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse has become more conservative. Suffers from white male fragility.

+1.

Mine was old fashioned conservative, Eisenhower Republican, then Fox News happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, sex. For her, she says her wants come last and she bears the mental load of the kids. She is SAHM and it works until it doesn't.

I will say that being a SAHM is weird. I feel sometimes like I am made of glass. Or like I am this invisible force in the lives of my family instead of a person in my own right. No one ever notices most of what I do unless it isn’t done. And sometimes, at every age, kids get involved in their own things and completely ignore you.
Sometimes I start to feel like I don’t really exist.