whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?

I can’t think of any

We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine

I bet this person is a man.

Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.

OMG so true. Men don't understand the tone of whole relationship impact women's desire. Women don't compartmentalize sex from everything around them.

Mmm, speak for yourself. Women are not all alike.

I think you’re right that it’s not all women but it is many women as you have seen on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this site should be called mommy martyrs. good lord, some of the contrived drama in the last few posts just exemplifies how f"ed up are some folks' lives. y'all need serious doses of therapy if you think all this crap is absolutely essential. None of our parents did this much and yet we all made survived.

You are incorrect AND incoherent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

Said by someone who doesn't appreciate the mental load their spouse is carrying for them.

You can be decent, hard-working outside the home, and loving and still be clueless about this stuff. Maybe if you actually listened to your wife and tried to meet her halfway, you'd hear less grumbling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this site should be called mommy martyrs. good lord, some of the contrived drama in the last few posts just exemplifies how f"ed up are some folks' lives. y'all need serious doses of therapy if you think all this crap is absolutely essential. None of our parents did this much and yet we all made survived.

You are incorrect AND incoherent.

Agreed. Your poor wife. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Our special needs child has a lot of exhausting behaviors. Spouse has no patience and no understanding that the needs are what are causing the behaviors.

[Anonymous]

He is a pal not a parent.
He does not set boundaries. I've been asking for help setting and following through with a bedtime routine and cell phone policy for 7 years along with many other issues.
This has drained me to the greatest extent I no longer have energy for him to get laid. Oh well..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.

My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.

I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?

BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.

Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.

You’re doing it wrong. You have to assign your husband nights or entire jobs. As in you make dinner on Monday. Then don’t do anything. You don’t plan the menu, you don’t buy food, you don’t ask about it. If the baby isn’t served appropriate food then you ask what the baby is going to eat. See what he does. You’ll probably tell him he needs to go to the store to buy X or whatever.

Spoken like someone with a baby. The mental load becomes a lot greater when the kids are older and have more going on. But thanks for the lecture.

I think we are married to the same guy. I hear this inability to truly be present and constantly analyzing the situation is lacking in humans with a penis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

You are clearly someone who doesn't carry any of the mental load.

Exactly. To that poster I will say that any given time I have 20+ notes on my phone of random crap that needs to be done. 70% of it is absolutely necessary (call xyz company about over billing, make ortho appt for Susie, P/T conference for Larlo, refill prescription, call chimney sweep for appt, make hotel
For johns wedding, return field trip forms) blah blah blah blah. The rest tends to be basic relationship stuff so that we live in a half civilized society (send aunt Edna a bday card, call sister and see how surgery went, whatever). Only rarely is there an “unnecessary” item on the list- like schedule family
Photos.

My DH is great and I love him. And if I ask specifically he will do most of the above. but I am the one who needs to remember, and I need to ask him specifically and tell him what tasks. Very little of it would get done otherwise.

And life would go on if there were some wiffs on these things. Folks need to stop and go from back to front now and again, ie on my deathbed will this have mattered? I swear there are people who make up issues cause that’s what they do.

Sure life would go on but in this case:

You’d get a call from school because your kid can’t go on the field trip. Your kill will flip out
You won’t have medication (maybe someone will die or get pregnant?)
You’ll have a bad credit score because you didn’t follow up on billing issues
You won’t attend your friend/family member’s wedding
Your house might burn down from the chimney

So yeah maybe you don’t require any of these but most people want to live a normal existence where they attend weddings, their kid is a normal kid at school, they have a good credit score and have their medication to take when they need it.

You have to excuse the poster who can't see the consequences of letting a "few wiffs" go by. He is probably the husband of any of the women posting here about her husband's lack of awareness of what needs to get done for a family to function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him.

Isn't it flabbergasting that he can't figure out hy you don't want to have sex with him????!!!!

I get zero help around the house and my h wonders why I won;t be his sex doll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

You are clearly someone who doesn't carry any of the mental load.

Exactly. To that poster I will say that any given time I have 20+ notes on my phone of random crap that needs to be done. 70% of it is absolutely necessary (call xyz company about over billing, make ortho appt for Susie, P/T conference for Larlo, refill prescription, call chimney sweep for appt, make hotel
For johns wedding, return field trip forms) blah blah blah blah. The rest tends to be basic relationship stuff so that we live in a half civilized society (send aunt Edna a bday card, call sister and see how surgery went, whatever). Only rarely is there an “unnecessary” item on the list- like schedule family
Photos.

My DH is great and I love him. And if I ask specifically he will do most of the above. but I am the one who needs to remember, and I need to ask him specifically and tell him what tasks. Very little of it would get done otherwise.

And life would go on if there were some wiffs on these things. Folks need to stop and go from back to front now and again, ie on my deathbed will this have mattered? I swear there are people who make up issues cause that’s what they do.

Sure life would go on but in this case:

You’d get a call from school because your kid can’t go on the field trip. Your kill will flip out
You won’t have medication (maybe someone will die or get pregnant?)
You’ll have a bad credit score because you didn’t follow up on billing issues
You won’t attend your friend/family member’s wedding
Your house might burn down from the chimney

So yeah maybe you don’t require any of these but most people want to live a normal existence where they attend weddings, their kid is a normal kid at school, they have a good credit score and have their medication to take when they need it.

You have to excuse the poster who can't see the consequences of letting a "few wiffs" go by. He is probably the husband of any of the women posting here about her husband's lack of awareness of what needs to get done for a family to function.

+1. Exactly. And these “wiffs” end up costing $$ and extra time (far more than it would have taken to do it right in the first place)

[Anonymous]

Her mother... The ol battle axe needs to die already!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him.

Isn't it flabbergasting that he can't figure out hy you don't want to have sex with him????!!!!

I get zero help around the house and my h wonders why I won;t be his sex doll.

+1000. His issue is lack of sex

My issue is you do nothing, zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him.

Isn't it flabbergasting that he can't figure out hy you don't want to have sex with him????!!!!

I get zero help around the house and my h wonders why I won;t be his sex doll.

+1000. His issue is lack of sex

My issue is you do nothing, zero.

Surely not a popular opinion on DCUM but I should make enough for you to SAHM, have someone clean the house, spend the morning in Starbucks, and then go to yoga and then you can birch at me that I don’t help.

The biggest issue is that men pursue women so the expect to be spoiled. I often wonder where my DW, from a working class family, came from. Where’s my Lexus LX, vacations to Nantucket, closet full of Lily and her and her friends look aghast that one of them might have to work. And for this I get disdain and starfish sex ? I realize now you should play catch and release with women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him.

Isn't it flabbergasting that he can't figure out hy you don't want to have sex with him????!!!!

I get zero help around the house and my h wonders why I won;t be his sex doll.

+1000. His issue is lack of sex

My issue is you do nothing, zero.

Surely not a popular opinion on DCUM but I should make enough for you to SAHM, have someone clean the house, spend the morning in Starbucks, and then go to yoga and then you can birch at me that I don’t help.

The biggest issue is that men pursue women so the expect to be spoiled. I often wonder where my DW, from a working class family, came from. Where’s my Lexus LX, vacations to Nantucket, closet full of Lily and her and her friends look aghast that one of them might have to work. And for this I get disdain and starfish sex ? I realize now you should play catch and release with women.

This is not even remotely the norm, you are aware? Most wives work these days. Most SAHMs don’t expect such a lifestyle either. You are talking about a very tiny minority of women in America- your family lifestyle is not the norm at all and does not apply to most of the people in this board.

My advice? Move to a different neighborhood- different peer group, different values. Less stress.

Thst said, if your wife is as materialistic as you say- you probably are too. If you are you need to own that as well- I’m guessing you don’t want to downgrade your lifestyle either, and it isn’t completely “my wife wants all of this, not me! I’d be happy being working class if not for HER”. She didn’t create this lifestyle herself- you are married and have gone along with all of it. If you are unhappy about it- talk to your wife and change it.

[Anonymous]

MOTHER IN LAW - wife copies her anxious attachment style and lack of common sense.