Made a bad decision about going back to work and regretting it.

[Anonymous]

Stress is creating a big market for anxiety drugs.
Someone needs to care for the home and children.

[Anonymous]

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Hecka yah, who wouldn’t love to have someone give them money to do whatever the heck they want all day? Of course I’m jealous!

WTF?

Kids in college, DH working and providing all the cash she needs for hobbies, volunteering, yoga and lunch. What is confusing about that?

Op is probably taking care of errands, most of the cooking, much of the cleaning and yard work. Even if she has a housekeeper and yard service (I do not) there are things that have to get done in between.

When her husband gets home from work he doesn't have to worry about what's for dinner or whether or not the dry cleaning needs to be picked up. All those little million and one things are taken care of so his life is made much easier, too. Sometimes it's worth doing w/o the extra income from a second earner, sometimes it's not. That's something that Op has to decide for herself.

What fantasy land is that? I have a SAH wife. I do my own laundry, change the sheets, take out garbage, clean up kitchen at night. My wife is not staying home to help me or to take care of stuff nights and weekends. She has a full time job 8-6 every day. Watching 3 kids, taking care of house and cooking. She is tech support, cook, nurse, driver, guidance counselor, etc all day.

She used to work and an office job is mental not physical. She is tired by time I get home full of energy from sitting down all day. I did it myself six weeks when wife was in before at with third I could not wait to get back to work

OP kids are much older. They have been essential yet adults for almost a decade. Her days have been mostly idle and free except for maybe an evening carpoool

Spoken like someone who either doesn't have older kids or is a troll.

I get it.. when my kids were younger, I thought that I would have more free time as they got older. I was wrong. The needs are just different.

I have older kids. I see them in the late afternoon. Please educate me about on exactly what I need to be doing 8-430??? Swing by and hang with a 16 year old at lunch?

Even older kids have doctor appts, wisdom teeth removal and other sick days where they need their parent to run them to Urgent Care, pick up antibiotics, etc. One of my kids had surgery for a torn tendon which required sedation. My 16 year old was a dual enrollment student who was taking some of his classes at our local community college, I had to go with him to get paperwork done, help him get a parking pass and assisted with the logistics involved with splitting his time between two schools (HS, college). Could I have taken time off of work to do all of this? Yes. But it was nice to be able to just do what was needed, as it was needed, w/o worrying about get leave approved.

Older kids still need their parents at times, too.

Doctors appts? Picking up parking passes? This is like a few hours a week activities.

Yes, I’m sure you still have to be their parent, but you still have st least 30 hrs of the week free.

I assure you I manage to stay busy. As soon as I think to myself that it's time to go back to work, something comes up (like the torn tendon - surgery, PT appts, follow up appts, kid in a cast and couldn't drive) that makes me happy that I'm still at home. There are trade offs with everything and right now it makes more sense for me to be at home. I think Op touched on some important considerations....it's better to weigh all the pros and cons before diving right back in.

So you have to drive them to school, pick up early and they have appointments every day? This must have been a catastrophic injury, I’m sorry.

PT twice a week + follow up appts. It all adds up. It was not a catastrophic injury but it did need to be surgically repaired and PT was necessary for the injury to heal properly. If I had just started a new job and then announced that I would be needing to take time off 2 or 3 times a week, every week for the next few months I doubt that my boss would be too happy with me. In fact, I can see how I might not make it through the probationary period.

Yep, standard story. Can’t ever start a new job b/c something could pop up at anytime. Better to be always in reserve just in case.

Lol, it's called a choice. I have the choice to go back to work or SAH. At this point it makes better sense for me and my family to continue to SAH. Clearly if we needed a second paycheck to make ends meet I would have been back to work yesterday.

My point is that it will ‘always make sense’ to SAH. And it’s great your DH let’s you. But don’t pretend at this point in your life you don’t have gobs of leisure time.

My dh and I decided together that we wanted an at home parent. That has not changed. When the youngest graduate HS we'll reevaluate figure out whether I go back to work then. This has been a mutual joint decision - he hasn't "let" me SAH anymore than I "let" him go to the office.

I manage to fill my days. Some days are crazy busy with all sorts of demands - I barely sit down. Some days are a lot more relaxing.

Pretty sure DH could veto you SAH, but for you to block him from office you would have to kidnap him. But tell yourself whatever makes you happy

sure I can make myself busy, no one questions that? That is my point: SAHM construct a life that necessitates them SAY well past when kids need them during the bulk of the day. But it's cool with DH so win win.

Oh, good grief. SAHMs don't "construct" their lives anymore than WOHMs "construct" their lives. You make it sound like SAHMs spin some kind of evil web, their dh's get tangled up in it and then can't ever extricate themselves from it. When the reality is, it's often the breadwinner who suggests that their spouse SAH in the first place. It all boils down to a division of responsibilities and how best to handle the needs of their family.

As Op has found out, her family's lifestyle did not necessarily improve when she went back to work. Life actually got a lot more stressful. At this point, it probably makes sense for her to be at home. It's what her entire family is used to now. It's what works best for them.

Actually OP doesn’t mention her DH at all in her first post. I’m sure he prefers her to quit b/c a very normal job leaves her unable to function at the end of the day, as she described. But getting home at 6, making a simple dinner and hanging out with DH should be feasible. I would suggest she get some blood work; maybe low iron or something.

[Anonymous]

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Hecka yah, who wouldn’t love to have someone give them money to do whatever the heck they want all day? Of course I’m jealous!

WTF?

Kids in college, DH working and providing all the cash she needs for hobbies, volunteering, yoga and lunch. What is confusing about that?

Op is probably taking care of errands, most of the cooking, much of the cleaning and yard work. Even if she has a housekeeper and yard service (I do not) there are things that have to get done in between.

When her husband gets home from work he doesn't have to worry about what's for dinner or whether or not the dry cleaning needs to be picked up. All those little million and one things are taken care of so his life is made much easier, too. Sometimes it's worth doing w/o the extra income from a second earner, sometimes it's not. That's something that Op has to decide for herself.

What fantasy land is that? I have a SAH wife. I do my own laundry, change the sheets, take out garbage, clean up kitchen at night. My wife is not staying home to help me or to take care of stuff nights and weekends. She has a full time job 8-6 every day. Watching 3 kids, taking care of house and cooking. She is tech support, cook, nurse, driver, guidance counselor, etc all day.

She used to work and an office job is mental not physical. She is tired by time I get home full of energy from sitting down all day. I did it myself six weeks when wife was in before at with third I could not wait to get back to work

OP kids are much older. They have been essential yet adults for almost a decade. Her days have been mostly idle and free except for maybe an evening carpoool

Spoken like someone who either doesn't have older kids or is a troll.

I get it.. when my kids were younger, I thought that I would have more free time as they got older. I was wrong. The needs are just different.

I have older kids. I see them in the late afternoon. Please educate me about on exactly what I need to be doing 8-430??? Swing by and hang with a 16 year old at lunch?

Even older kids have doctor appts, wisdom teeth removal and other sick days where they need their parent to run them to Urgent Care, pick up antibiotics, etc. One of my kids had surgery for a torn tendon which required sedation. My 16 year old was a dual enrollment student who was taking some of his classes at our local community college, I had to go with him to get paperwork done, help him get a parking pass and assisted with the logistics involved with splitting his time between two schools (HS, college). Could I have taken time off of work to do all of this? Yes. But it was nice to be able to just do what was needed, as it was needed, w/o worrying about get leave approved.

Older kids still need their parents at times, too.

Doctors appts? Picking up parking passes? This is like a few hours a week activities.

Yes, I’m sure you still have to be their parent, but you still have st least 30 hrs of the week free.

I assure you I manage to stay busy. As soon as I think to myself that it's time to go back to work, something comes up (like the torn tendon - surgery, PT appts, follow up appts, kid in a cast and couldn't drive) that makes me happy that I'm still at home. There are trade offs with everything and right now it makes more sense for me to be at home. I think Op touched on some important considerations....it's better to weigh all the pros and cons before diving right back in.

So you have to drive them to school, pick up early and they have appointments every day? This must have been a catastrophic injury, I’m sorry.

PT twice a week + follow up appts. It all adds up. It was not a catastrophic injury but it did need to be surgically repaired and PT was necessary for the injury to heal properly. If I had just started a new job and then announced that I would be needing to take time off 2 or 3 times a week, every week for the next few months I doubt that my boss would be too happy with me. In fact, I can see how I might not make it through the probationary period.

Yep, standard story. Can’t ever start a new job b/c something could pop up at anytime. Better to be always in reserve just in case.

Lol, it's called a choice. I have the choice to go back to work or SAH. At this point it makes better sense for me and my family to continue to SAH. Clearly if we needed a second paycheck to make ends meet I would have been back to work yesterday.

My point is that it will ‘always make sense’ to SAH. And it’s great your DH let’s you. But don’t pretend at this point in your life you don’t have gobs of leisure time.

My dh and I decided together that we wanted an at home parent. That has not changed. When the youngest graduate HS we'll reevaluate figure out whether I go back to work then. This has been a mutual joint decision - he hasn't "let" me SAH anymore than I "let" him go to the office.

I manage to fill my days. Some days are crazy busy with all sorts of demands - I barely sit down. Some days are a lot more relaxing.

Pretty sure DH could veto you SAH, but for you to block him from office you would have to kidnap him. But tell yourself whatever makes you happy

sure I can make myself busy, no one questions that? That is my point: SAHM construct a life that necessitates them SAY well past when kids need them during the bulk of the day. But it's cool with DH so win win.

Oh, good grief. SAHMs don't "construct" their lives anymore than WOHMs "construct" their lives. You make it sound like SAHMs spin some kind of evil web, their dh's get tangled up in it and then can't ever extricate themselves from it. When the reality is, it's often the breadwinner who suggests that their spouse SAH in the first place. It all boils down to a division of responsibilities and how best to handle the needs of their family.

As Op has found out, her family's lifestyle did not necessarily improve when she went back to work. Life actually got a lot more stressful. At this point, it probably makes sense for her to be at home. It's what her entire family is used to now. It's what works best for them.

Actually OP doesn’t mention her DH at all in her first post. I’m sure he prefers her to quit b/c a very normal job leaves her unable to function at the end of the day, as she described. But getting home at 6, making a simple dinner and hanging out with DH should be feasible. I would suggest she get some blood work; maybe low iron or something.

You can read between the lines in subsequent posts where Op mentions that she is feeling a lot of guilt over neglecting her family, her home, her garden and her mom. Op's dh is supportive of whatever Op wants to do. They don't need the extra money, they are financially secure. Op's dh just wants Op to be happy - whether she works or SAH. Op is not happy with that job, plain and simple. While I'm sure that Op could continue to work at that job if her family needed her to, that is simply not the case.

[Anonymous]

Leave the job. No brained. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Many of us would love to do the same, but can’t swing it financially. I work in nonprofits and have swung from one org to another. I hate office politics. Hate being unsure of myself and stressed all the time about a hundred tiny decisions ever day that are somehow so fraught. The cause is important. The struggle is a chore. I want my kids to do into something more interesting that doesn’t translate to office work. Life is short and could end at any moment. Don’t waste it.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds s bit privileged and over thinking things to me. Like she wants a perfect world which to some she already has.
It is very difficult to work at a grinding job if you don’t have to. Her job doesn’t sound very satisfying and it takes up at lot of time.
She doesn’t say how old she is but after 55 or so time goes by very fast. Missing the kids at college is no reason to make your life a grind. Why do that ? Life is short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds s bit privileged and over thinking things to me. Like she wants a perfect world which to some she already has.
It is very difficult to work at a grinding job if you don’t have to. Her job doesn’t sound very satisfying and it takes up at lot of time.
She doesn’t say how old she is but after 55 or so time goes by very fast. Missing the kids at college is no reason to make your life a grind. Why do that ? Life is short.

Yep, embrace retirement from you job as mom, just like DH is surely retiring at 57 or so, and travel, see the world.

[Anonymous]

Q for the SAHMs. Would you like your DD to have a job if she becomes a Mom? I know that you (like I got my own dd) will support whatever choice she makes but in your deepest heart of hearts, what is your preference?

I work. My DD is young (14) and needs to focus on school right now. She can do what’s she wants with her life when she gets older. But if I am honest, I would hope she has a career.

[Anonymous]

Former latch key kid and current longtime SAHM...

I think it's important for young women to know that they can support themselves and live independently. The best way to accomplish that is by doing it.

So, I would hope that my daughter would spend some years working, paying her own bills and being self sufficient BEFORE she got married and/or joined finances with her SO and certainly well before she had children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former latch key kid and current longtime SAHM...

I think it's important for young women to know that they can support themselves and live independently. The best way to accomplish that is by doing it.

So, I would hope that my daughter would spend some years working, paying her own bills and being self sufficient BEFORE she got married and/or joined finances with her SO and certainly well before she had children.

+ 1

I also think it is important to be financially secure at all times. Financial management is key. I do not care if your money came from earning, inheritance or lottery - as a woman, is it in your name, can you access it, an you invest and grow it. That is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former latch key kid and current longtime SAHM...

I think it's important for young women to know that they can support themselves and live independently. The best way to accomplish that is by doing it.

So, I would hope that my daughter would spend some years working, paying her own bills and being self sufficient BEFORE she got married and/or joined finances with her SO and certainly well before she had children.

+ 1

I also think it is important to be financially secure at all times. Financial management is key. I do not care if your money came from earning, inheritance or lottery - as a woman, is it in your name, can you access it, an you invest and grow it. That is key.

Agree. I think this is an interesting lesson that if you get a good education, lay a foundation with a career, and take time out......you CAN go back again. But. But....you can't expect to find a flexible, satisfying, stimulating job. You go back to the grind. I sympathize with OP, but what did you expect after so many years out? You really do have to earn flex sometimes and job satisfaction. The further I go in my career, the more delegating I can do of the grunt work and the grind. And the more I work from home, and refuse to take jobs with a long commute. You can't really expect to come back into that.

I'm all for women staying home when it makes sense, and I'm all for women getting back in after years off. But there are some trade offs, just like there are for working moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former latch key kid and current longtime SAHM...

I think it's important for young women to know that they can support themselves and live independently. The best way to accomplish that is by doing it.

So, I would hope that my daughter would spend some years working, paying her own bills and being self sufficient BEFORE she got married and/or joined finances with her SO and certainly well before she had children.

+ 1

I also think it is important to be financially secure at all times. Financial management is key. I do not care if your money came from earning, inheritance or lottery - as a woman, is it in your name, can you access it, an you invest and grow it. That is key.

Agree. I think this is an interesting lesson that if you get a good education, lay a foundation with a career, and take time out......you CAN go back again. But. But....you can't expect to find a flexible, satisfying, stimulating job. You go back to the grind. I sympathize with OP, but what did you expect after so many years out? You really do have to earn flex sometimes and job satisfaction. The further I go in my career, the more delegating I can do of the grunt work and the grind. And the more I work from home, and refuse to take jobs with a long commute. You can't really expect to come back into that.

I'm all for women staying home when it makes sense, and I'm all for women getting back in after years off. But there are some trade offs, just like there are for working moms.

Remember OPs job requirements:

1) Socially relevant work, volunteerism, hobby that brings value to my community and fulfills a need,
2) the work has to interest me, taps into my passions, makes use of my education and ability to organize
2) the work should be part time and flex time, tasks should be more from a weekly perspective instead of daily perspective,
3) Occasional travel and commute is a-ok, however, most work needs to be done remotely
4) Needs a social component where I am meeting people, at least some of the time
5) If I am paid for my time - I am ok with that.

This description is nothing like a regular job. She doesn’t want to grind. I think she already left and has settled on just volunteering and embracing early retirement (she mentioned she wanted to poll other early retirees to see how they stay relevant). She sounds maybe a little depressed, like with her kids not needing her and DH at work so much, it’s kind of a let down (many people run into this when they retire).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former latch key kid and current longtime SAHM...

I think it's important for young women to know that they can support themselves and live independently. The best way to accomplish that is by doing it.

So, I would hope that my daughter would spend some years working, paying her own bills and being self sufficient BEFORE she got married and/or joined finances with her SO and certainly well before she had children.

+ 1

I also think it is important to be financially secure at all times. Financial management is key. I do not care if your money came from earning, inheritance or lottery - as a woman, is it in your name, can you access it, an you invest and grow it. That is key.

Agree. I think this is an interesting lesson that if you get a good education, lay a foundation with a career, and take time out......you CAN go back again. But. But....you can't expect to find a flexible, satisfying, stimulating job. You go back to the grind. I sympathize with OP, but what did you expect after so many years out? You really do have to earn flex sometimes and job satisfaction. The further I go in my career, the more delegating I can do of the grunt work and the grind. And the more I work from home, and refuse to take jobs with a long commute. You can't really expect to come back into that.

I'm all for women staying home when it makes sense, and I'm all for women getting back in after years off. But there are some trade offs, just like there are for working moms.

Remember OPs job requirements:

1) Socially relevant work, volunteerism, hobby that brings value to my community and fulfills a need,
2) the work has to interest me, taps into my passions, makes use of my education and ability to organize
2) the work should be part time and flex time, tasks should be more from a weekly perspective instead of daily perspective,
3) Occasional travel and commute is a-ok, however, most work needs to be done remotely
4) Needs a social component where I am meeting people, at least some of the time
5) If I am paid for my time - I am ok with that.

This description is nothing like a regular job. She doesn’t want to grind. I think she already left and has settled on just volunteering and embracing early retirement (she mentioned she wanted to poll other early retirees to see how they stay relevant). She sounds maybe a little depressed, like with her kids not needing her and DH at work so much, it’s kind of a let down (many people run into this when they retire).

I know many people that have jobs like that. They have rich husbands and they volunteer at church

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former latch key kid and current longtime SAHM...

I think it's important for young women to know that they can support themselves and live independently. The best way to accomplish that is by doing it.

So, I would hope that my daughter would spend some years working, paying her own bills and being self sufficient BEFORE she got married and/or joined finances with her SO and certainly well before she had children.

+ 1

I also think it is important to be financially secure at all times. Financial management is key. I do not care if your money came from earning, inheritance or lottery - as a woman, is it in your name, can you access it, an you invest and grow it. That is key.

Agree. I think this is an interesting lesson that if you get a good education, lay a foundation with a career, and take time out......you CAN go back again. But. But....you can't expect to find a flexible, satisfying, stimulating job. You go back to the grind. I sympathize with OP, but what did you expect after so many years out? You really do have to earn flex sometimes and job satisfaction. The further I go in my career, the more delegating I can do of the grunt work and the grind. And the more I work from home, and refuse to take jobs with a long commute. You can't really expect to come back into that.

I'm all for women staying home when it makes sense, and I'm all for women getting back in after years off. But there are some trade offs, just like there are for working moms.

Remember OPs job requirements:

1) Socially relevant work, volunteerism, hobby that brings value to my community and fulfills a need,
2) the work has to interest me, taps into my passions, makes use of my education and ability to organize
2) the work should be part time and flex time, tasks should be more from a weekly perspective instead of daily perspective,
3) Occasional travel and commute is a-ok, however, most work needs to be done remotely
4) Needs a social component where I am meeting people, at least some of the time
5) If I am paid for my time - I am ok with that.

This description is nothing like a regular job. She doesn’t want to grind. I think she already left and has settled on just volunteering and embracing early retirement (she mentioned she wanted to poll other early retirees to see how they stay relevant). She sounds maybe a little depressed, like with her kids not needing her and DH at work so much, it’s kind of a let down (many people run into this when they retire).

I know many people that have jobs like that. They have rich husbands and they volunteer at church

If they aren’t paid is it considered a job?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am not an impulsive person and usually I really think through things before committing to anything., Going back to work was one big impulsive mistake that I made. In my situation, I should have waited for kids to leave home and evaluated how my day to day life looked like,. Thankfully, this whole episode has made me realize that I am dispensable at work but indispensable at home. Gave notice but they want to retain me and have come back with many great options that are very attractive. I have decided to pass. Not working for money, so my own personal time right now is precious.

Some posters asked how to get into the game. You need to have the credentials in your own industry to get back to the working world but generally the following helped me (along with existing network of people who can give me jobs ).
1) Be up to speed on any tech and office skills you may need. Microsoft 356/office, Photoshop, Visio, Flow, Skype, and even the lowly snipping tool that has proved indispensable for me. https://products.office.com/en-us/products - check these out.
2) In your volunteer work, take on tasks that are hard and people shy away from - administrative, project management, marketing, website support, power point presentations and slides, organizing events for charity, social media presence, accounting and tax prep, soliciting corporate donations, proposal writing, applying for grants, creating training videos and documents, promotional materials etc.
3) Get comfortable with having a digital footprint but curate carefully, do not overshare - blog, fb, youtube, IG, Twitter, polling tools, Linkedin,
4) Use your smartphone features fully. There are some great apps that are available to simplify your life. .
5) Use online businesses for a variety of services
6) Write a daily status report and send to your boss. It does not matter if they ask for it or not. Have an open word document on your machine, and keep updating it throughout your day.

Good luck to people who are trying to get back into the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not an impulsive person and usually I really think through things before committing to anything., Going back to work was one big impulsive mistake that I made. In my situation, I should have waited for kids to leave home and evaluated how my day to day life looked like,. Thankfully, this whole episode has made me realize that I am dispensable at work but indispensable at home. Gave notice but they want to retain me and have come back with many great options that are very attractive. I have decided to pass. Not working for money, so my own personal time right now is precious.

Some posters asked how to get into the game. You need to have the credentials in your own industry to get back to the working world but generally the following helped me (along with existing network of people who can give me jobs ).
1) Be up to speed on any tech and office skills you may need. Microsoft 356/office, Photoshop, Visio, Flow, Skype, and even the lowly snipping tool that has proved indispensable for me. https://products.office.com/en-us/products - check these out.
2) In your volunteer work, take on tasks that are hard and people shy away from - administrative, project management, marketing, website support, power point presentations and slides, organizing events for charity, social media presence, accounting and tax prep, soliciting corporate donations, proposal writing, applying for grants, creating training videos and documents, promotional materials etc.
3) Get comfortable with having a digital footprint but curate carefully, do not overshare - blog, fb, youtube, IG, Twitter, polling tools, Linkedin,
4) Use your smartphone features fully. There are some great apps that are available to simplify your life. .
5) Use online businesses for a variety of services
6) Write a daily status report and send to your boss. It does not matter if they ask for it or not. Have an open word document on your machine, and keep updating it throughout your day.

Good luck to people who are trying to get back into the workforce.

I’m a little curious about what industry this job was in, b/c those skills would be had by just about any recent grad? How did you differentiate yourself?