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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well, I will raise my hand, and hang my head in shame.

I suspect most people here either have kids who have launched,  and thus have some more distance, or, as some previous poster, have very young kids.

I have a tween and a teen, and if you had asked me even two years ago, I would have said that my kids are amazing, that I love them more than my own life, and that I couldn't imagine my life without them. The first two of those statements still hold true, but over the past year I have been longingly daydreaming about the day when they are finally out of the house.

They both have some mild special needs, and the hormones are not helping, but they are both difficult, rude, argumentative, stubborn and dare I say lazy. We have spent countless hours and $ on various therapies for both, we put every support imaginable in place to help them, we spent a lot of time exposing them to every possible beneficial EC but let them chose their own path and interests in which we have been unfailingly supportive. Yet, they barely get by academically, are selfish and inconsiderate of the effort that it takes to keep our household running and meeting their every need, and take little to no responsibility for their own failings - everything is always someone else's fault.

I am sure that we as parents are partially to blame for this, but I am not sure what else we could have done. I have read many parenting books, taken classes, I am in therapy myself for the anxiety that keeps mounting because I worry so much about my children. We support them academically, help with homework, remind about projects, instrument practice, take them to playdates, drive them to and from their chosen sports, make sure they have enough downtime, spend enough time outdoors, provide healthy meals, travel to both fun and educational places, and yet, none of it seems to make any difference.

I fervently hope that this is just a stage, and that my smart, funny, sunny kids will eventually return to us, but right now I am dejected and almost dreading walking through the door each afternoon, only to be faced with a new drama, or some other way that I have allegedly failed them. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. So maybe you just caught me at a bad time, but if you are asking me today whether I regret having children, the answer is "yes, absolutely".

There, flame away. [/quote]

no flaming here.  *mutely hands PP glass of wine*[/quote]

I'm not going to flame you either. But as someone who has raised a difficult kid (he's 21 now, and has turned out well!), I will tell you some things that helped me.

First, if you are feeling so dejected and unhappy (and who could blame you?), you need to ask yourself if you are doing too much for your kids. If you found a bit more balance, you'd feel better and they might actually do/be better. You need to ask yourself if they really need to do x activity that requires a boatload of work on your part. If they really need you to drive them to x or can they figure out a way to get there themselves. If they can do their own laundry, make their own lunches, get dinner for the family, spend Saturday morning vacuuming and tidying up, and if you need to go back to those old "when/then" statements you make with little kids. ("WHEN you vacuum the living room THEN I will drive you to practice. You have 10 minutes, better get moving or you will be late.") If there are privileges they are enjoying that need to be curtailed if they can't do the bare minimum of school work.

Also, consider the best parenting advice ever, given by the people who offer the local PEP parenting classes: Quick Taking It Personally (QTIP). The less personally you take their bad behavior/attitude, the better their behavior/attitude will be. Seriously. QTIP QTIP QTIP!!

Along these lines, IME, you can't argue tweens/teens into being grateful or appreciating the things you do for them. You can't argue them into *feeling* responsibility for the things that they've done. You can insist on certain behavior, but you can't insist on feelings. I found a fair bit of success with my very difficult tween/teen when I set standards for what was acceptable behavior and stopped trying to get him to feel bad for how he had behaved or for hurting someone's feelings or whatever. So, e.g., saying "I'm not going to talk to you when you use that tone of voice. Let me know when you're ready to discuss this" and walking away, rather than getting into a lecture/argument about how his tone was hurtful or how he should be treating me better because I am his mother and do so much for him, etc. Don't listen to arguments about how it's someone else's fault that x happened, but also don't insist that they voice responsibility or apologize. Instead, for internal family matters cut off the excuses and skip the required apology phase and move on to the solutions to/consequences for the problem: "It don't want to hear about whose fault it is. I need you to (specific instruction for dealing with problem) now." (Of course, for problems outside of the family, apologizing/expressing regret may really be a necessary part of the solution/consequence.)

I hope this doesn't come across as lecturing or insensitive. I really do understand how you are feeling and sympathize so much. I hope this stage passes quickly for your family. (PS., it IS a stage. Eventually, they move out!)[/quote]

New to the thread - this is really great advice and perspective.[/quote]

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