Man wanting to dance with daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people are assuming the man was hitting on an 11 year old? I would have assumed the guy was an extrovert trying to encourage the girl to participate. However, he should have known better than to pull on her arms, and I absolutely would have told him that was unacceptable. But I would not have touched him or yelled at him unless I truly thought he was hitting on her. I don't get that impression from OP's description, but maybe I'm wrong about that.

I don't think that the older guy was necessarily hitting on OP's DD. However, I don't think it matters. Once the man started grabbing the 11 year old to behave in the way he wanted, that was too far.

Exactly. A stranger tried to restrain her and convince her to dance for his pleasure. That’s ok for some parents I guess, but I didn’t put all my energy into raising my daughter only to teach her to make herself uncomfortable to please men she doesn’t know. If more men would act like the OP, maybe the rape culture we live in could be a thing of the past.

“Dance for his pleasure”...come on PP. This is why so many people feel like the Me Too movement is one big cry-wolf. You have zero idea, and most likely, there wasn’t anything sexual about this incident. Inappropriate, but not sexual. Please stop with the “dance for his pleasure” stuff like he was trying to force her into grinding out a lap dance.

It certainly wasn’t for her pleasure. What was the purpose then? He wanted her to dance with him to make him happy? He wanted her to dance with him to make himself feel good? He wanted to dance with a child because he’d run out of adult women to dance with? He was drunk and wouldn’t take no for an answer? How would you phrase it? Everything I said was true.

Do you know why it sounds so bad to phrase it that way (honestly and not exaggerating)? Because it was a bad thing to do. It sounds bad because it was bad. It’s not because I’m embellishing the story or accusing him of a crime. I haven’t done that. I’m saying he was incredibly inappropriate and I’m identifying his inappropriate behavior, instead of whitewashing it like some of you are choosing to do.

[Anonymous]

DP here. He was doing it because he wanted to, not because she wanted to. And when she made it clear she didn't want to, he made it clear his desire to do what he wanted with her body (sexual or not) overruled her choices.

That's kind of the definition of "for his pleasure," PP. It sure as hell wasn't for her health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were at a friends house for a party and people were dancing. All adults were drinking and we knew most of the people there. At some point a grown man that we hadn’t met before the party approached our 11year old (who is clearly child and not developed at all). While she was engaged in her phone he asked if she wanted to dance and she said no. Then he proceeded to grab her arm and say, iIm not letting you go until you dance with me.

Long story short... I completely lost it.

Just wondering if my reaction was appropriate?

No. You over-reacted. Middle of plenty of people at a neighborhood event and a prepubescent girl, and you decide that’s the time to take a #metoo stand?

Nope. People don't get to touch people who don't want to be touched. What the guy did seems to exactly meet the definition of battery (unlawful physical acting on a threat -- "I'm not going to let you go until you dance with me" was the threat, restraining the girl was the battery). Age of the girl doesn't matter. Who else was there doesn't matter. Intent of the man doesn't matter. This is natural consequences at work -- you touch someone without their consent, you get hurt. Responding with force is A-OK and should be encouraged. Good job OP!

Note also to the people talking about a "drunk uncle" (as if that made it better!!!!): this guy was a complete stranger, restraining a child and threatening to continue restraining her until she did something that he wanted and she clearly told him the she didn't. I want to hit him just thinking about this.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks again for all the responses on both ends of the spectrum

Extremely brief update:

I was at home this weekend and the host showed up at our house out of nowhere. She immediately gave me a big hug. I told her I was sorry and she said she probably wouldn't have handled it that way but that she understand and that lets just forget this ever happened.

I am just happy all of this doesn't have seemed to ruin our friendship!

[Anonymous]

I’d like to get an update on whether you discussed the incident with your daughter and whether she had any ill feelings about it all.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say good job, OP. My DD is 6 so I usually lurk on the gen parenting forum but dip over here every now and then to see what's coming. This has been a helpful discussion and I think you did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP here. He was doing it because he wanted to, not because she wanted to. And when she made it clear she didn't want to, he made it clear his desire to do what he wanted with her body (sexual or not) overruled her choices.

That's kind of the definition of "for his pleasure," PP. It sure as hell wasn't for her health.

It is not any more complicated than what this PP states. Period.

Those of you passing this off as something else, and using it as a way to brand "Me Too" as "whiny", are disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks again for all the responses on both ends of the spectrum

Extremely brief update:

I was at home this weekend and the host showed up at our house out of nowhere. She immediately gave me a big hug. I told her I was sorry and she said she probably wouldn't have handled it that way but that she understand and that lets just forget this ever happened.

I am just happy all of this doesn't have seemed to ruin our friendship!

What were you apologizing for, OP? SHE should have been apologizing to YOU. And there is no way I would forget this ever happened. If I were her, I would feel mortified and would be doing everything I could to make you feel better, not white-washing it. WTH?

FWIW, I would have reacted as strongly as you did, or more. What that man did was completely, utterly, unacceptable. I was a mature-looking girl back in the day, and it was awful in so many ways, not least of which being much older men though I was older than I was and, as such, fair game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks again for all the responses on both ends of the spectrum

Extremely brief update:

I was at home this weekend and the host showed up at our house out of nowhere. She immediately gave me a big hug. I told her I was sorry and she said she probably wouldn't have handled it that way but that she understand and that lets just forget this ever happened.

I am just happy all of this doesn't have seemed to ruin our friendship!

Thanks for the update. I'd imagine that guest won't be invited to future events, though of course if he shows up, you and a bunch of others will probably have a very close eye on him.

[Anonymous]

She should have apologized to you, OP. But her friendship is obviously important to you so I won’t fault you for that. I’m trying hard to imagine which father of a preteen wouldn’t have reacted the same way, if not more strongly. Good for you and, someday, your daughter will look back on this and appreciate that she had a father who stood up for her. I know because my dad did the same thing.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing, OP. The host of the party should have apologized to you and your dd. Don't doubt yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing, OP. The host of the party should have apologized to you and your dd. Don't doubt yourself.

Yes your daughter needs that apology too. She may not realize it now but it will hit her later on how wrong what that man did was. I am glad you stepped in OP. You have taught your daughter that it is absolutely not okay to take this kind of behaviour lightly. This might not seem like a big deal to some folks but tomorrow she may be able to stop something in the bud because she knows thanks to you that it is so very wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP here. He was doing it because he wanted to, not because she wanted to. And when she made it clear she didn't want to, he made it clear his desire to do what he wanted with her body (sexual or not) overruled her choices.

That's kind of the definition of "for his pleasure," PP. It sure as hell wasn't for her health.

It is not any more complicated than what this PP states. Period.

Those of you passing this off as something else, and using it as a way to brand "Me Too" as "whiny", are disgusting.

I don't think anyone is defending the other guy's actions. They were out of bounds. The disagreement is whether OP overreacted by responding in a physical manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks again for all the responses on both ends of the spectrum

Extremely brief update:

I was at home this weekend and the host showed up at our house out of nowhere. She immediately gave me a big hug. I told her I was sorry and she said she probably wouldn't have handled it that way but that she understand and that lets just forget this ever happened.

I am just happy all of this doesn't have seemed to ruin our friendship!

Thanks for the update. I'd imagine that guest won't be invited to future events, though of course if he shows up, you and a bunch of others will probably have a very close eye on him.

I doubt very much the guest was trying to hit on OP's daughter, which is why OP is questioning whether he overreacted, and why the host is saying they should forget OP's reaction. If it was clear that the guest was hitting on OP's DD, OP wouldn't be questioning his response and apologizing to the host, and the host wouldn't be saying let's forget it happened. If a grown adult clearly hit on my 11 year old DD, I wouldn't question any response I had. And if the host tried to say let's forget that a pedophile hit on my 11 year old, they would get an earful and we would no longer be friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d like to get an update on whether you discussed the incident with your daughter and whether she had any ill feelings about it all.

+1