Should I Mention I Saw My Sister's Husband Doing Something a Little Suspicious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd mention it when I next saw him, but nothing crazy.

Hey, it was funny seeing you at the ice cream place! I never run into you. Who were those people you were talking with?

And leave it at that. You can always follow up with I didn't even know there was a back door, so it was really surprising when you ran in if he doesn't freak out. Do you work nearby? I've only been there twice.

This is the only reasonable thing to do.
Some of you are insane.

A: “Huh? What are you talking about? Who? Oh! I don’t know! Just getting ice cream, you know. I don’t know the person behind the counter or the kid, just making small talk.”

Case closed. All is well.

Seriously, do you people function in society?

The guy sat down at a table with a little kid and talked for 10 minutes, and didn't order anything. That is not normal by any stretch.

Fine, let's say I agree that it's not normal by any stretch. But what do you think BIL is going to say when "confronted" about it? Seriously, people, life is not a Law & Order episode, he's not going to break down and admit it even if he is cheating. Ask him about the kid and he'll say, "huh? the kid in the Nats hat? I asked him whether he knew the score from the game earlier in the day."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My gut tells me that the woman is his daughter and the kid is his grandkid. Maybe he is not sure that it's is his daughter yet and wants to be 100% sure before he spills the news to his wife.

Yes, he’s maintained an adult daughter and grandchild in the same town for over 20 years but can’t order ice cream unless wife is out of town. Makes sense.

So let's say that's true. Does OP really want to go messing up the lives of so many people over it? There are children involved and they don't deserve that.

Op isn’t messing up anyone’s life. She’s just hanging out with her kid.

If the dad is cheating, he’s messing up his kids lives. Kids don’t deserve a Dad who leaves them at home alone to go hang out with his side piece while Mom is gone.

Why on earth does the cheater get to cheat and not be blamed? His kids would feel awful if they knew what he was doing to their family and Mom.

By OP's own admission, the dad is a great father to the kids. If OP doesn't MHOB, then things could be bad for the children. Does OP really want that?

Do great dads leave their kids home alone to go to ice cream stores to cheat? That’s a great dad? You do that to your kids? Your dad did that to you?

I mean, if I were 12 years old (OP did say pre-teen, which does not mean infant or toddler), and my dad went out to run errands like buying ice cream for our family, I'd definitely want to be left home alone. Having to sit there watching my chatty dad (which OP also admits) start up conversations with half the town when I could be home playing XBox? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My gut tells me that the woman is his daughter and the kid is his grandkid. Maybe he is not sure that it's is his daughter yet and wants to be 100% sure before he spills the news to his wife.

Yes, he’s maintained an adult daughter and grandchild in the same town for over 20 years but can’t order ice cream unless wife is out of town. Makes sense.

So let's say that's true. Does OP really want to go messing up the lives of so many people over it? There are children involved and they don't deserve that.

Op isn’t messing up anyone’s life. She’s just hanging out with her kid.

If the dad is cheating, he’s messing up his kids lives. Kids don’t deserve a Dad who leaves them at home alone to go hang out with his side piece while Mom is gone.

Why on earth does the cheater get to cheat and not be blamed? His kids would feel awful if they knew what he was doing to their family and Mom.

By OP's own admission, the dad is a great father to the kids. If OP doesn't MHOB, then things could be bad for the children. Does OP really want that?

Do great dads leave their kids home alone to go to ice cream stores to cheat? That’s a great dad? You do that to your kids? Your dad did that to you?

I mean, if I were 12 years old (OP did say pre-teen, which does not mean infant or toddler), and my dad went out to run errands like buying ice cream for our family, I'd definitely want to be left home alone. Having to sit there watching my chatty dad (which OP also admits) start up conversations with half the town when I could be home playing XBox? No thanks.

Especially when no actual ice cream is bought.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I really appreciate everyone's feedback but honestly, after reading everything, I think I'm stuck and can't say anything. If I ask him one on one, he'll make up something and I can't prove he's lying. If I mention in front of my sister, no doubt, she will hit the roof, they'll get into an all out fight, it damages their relationship, my relationship with him, potentially my relationship with her and affects the relationships of the cousins (who are extremely close). My sister is a "scorched earth" fighter, meaning - it would not be beyond her to get into a huge fight with him, throw him under the bus on social media, contact his job - she's extreme in a way you can't imagine. Plus my sister does not work - so it's not like she can up and leave him and still support herself. The only thing I can really do is try to see if I run across anything more concrete. I can't really come at her with the ice cream story and potentially jeopardize their marriage over it although I'm convinced something is happening. I just need better proof. If I get that, I'll sit her down and tell her because she deserves to know and I want her to be able to protect herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I really appreciate everyone's feedback but honestly, after reading everything, I think I'm stuck and can't say anything. If I ask him one on one, he'll make up something and I can't prove he's lying. If I mention in front of my sister, no doubt, she will hit the roof, they'll get into an all out fight, it damages their relationship, my relationship with him, potentially my relationship with her and affects the relationships of the cousins (who are extremely close). My sister is a "scorched earth" fighter, meaning - it would not be beyond her to get into a huge fight with him, throw him under the bus on social media, contact his job - she's extreme in a way you can't imagine. Plus my sister does not work - so it's not like she can up and leave him and still support herself. The only thing I can really do is try to see if I run across anything more concrete. I can't really come at her with the ice cream story and potentially jeopardize their marriage over it although I'm convinced something is happening. I just need better proof. If I get that, I'll sit her down and tell her because she deserves to know and I want her to be able to protect herself.

Thanks for the follow up. I know it can be brutal asking for advice on DCUM and this thread has been a doozy, but you're making the right decision for you. Just keep your eyes open, and see if anything else more concrete makes you think something is going on.

[Anonymous]

Do as you wish but remember if he’s cheating and she ever finds out you’ll have to hide the ice cream incident from her.

She’s going to go after you if you knew and said nothing.

You aren’t responsible for the fall out he’s courting if he’s unfaithful. He knows how she is also.

[Anonymous]

I dont understand the relationships here. She's your sister - just tell her you saw him there and have her ask what he was doing there. You don't have to give all the details about sitting with the kid etc.

"Hey, I saw John at the ice cream store while you were away - did he mention he said hi to us?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I really appreciate everyone's feedback but honestly, after reading everything, I think I'm stuck and can't say anything. If I ask him one on one, he'll make up something and I can't prove he's lying. If I mention in front of my sister, no doubt, she will hit the roof, they'll get into an all out fight, it damages their relationship, my relationship with him, potentially my relationship with her and affects the relationships of the cousins (who are extremely close). My sister is a "scorched earth" fighter, meaning - it would not be beyond her to get into a huge fight with him, throw him under the bus on social media, contact his job - she's extreme in a way you can't imagine. Plus my sister does not work - so it's not like she can up and leave him and still support herself. The only thing I can really do is try to see if I run across anything more concrete. I can't really come at her with the ice cream story and potentially jeopardize their marriage over it although I'm convinced something is happening. I just need better proof. If I get that, I'll sit her down and tell her because she deserves to know and I want her to be able to protect herself.

Wow, you're seriously not going to say anything? You're a sh*tty sister and that's pretty egregious egious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I really appreciate everyone's feedback but honestly, after reading everything, I think I'm stuck and can't say anything. If I ask him one on one, he'll make up something and I can't prove he's lying. If I mention in front of my sister, no doubt, she will hit the roof, they'll get into an all out fight, it damages their relationship, my relationship with him, potentially my relationship with her and affects the relationships of the cousins (who are extremely close). My sister is a "scorched earth" fighter, meaning - it would not be beyond her to get into a huge fight with him, throw him under the bus on social media, contact his job - she's extreme in a way you can't imagine. Plus my sister does not work - so it's not like she can up and leave him and still support herself. The only thing I can really do is try to see if I run across anything more concrete. I can't really come at her with the ice cream story and potentially jeopardize their marriage over it although I'm convinced something is happening. I just need better proof. If I get that, I'll sit her down and tell her because she deserves to know and I want her to be able to protect herself.

This made me laugh. Your sister sounds like a lunatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do as you wish but remember if he’s cheating and she ever finds out you’ll have to hide the ice cream incident from her.

She’s going to go after you if you knew and said nothing.

You aren’t responsible for the fall out he’s courting if he’s unfaithful. He knows how she is also.

Well, she doesn't "know." And "hide the ice cream incident"? Say the marriage does blow up. I highly doubt that L'affaire Ice Cream is going to be in the divorce decree. There will be nothing to hide.

Geez, DCUM, she's saying she's going to keep her eyes open now that her suspicions are raised. That doesn't seem crazy given that her sister is a "scorched earth" nuclear (over-)reactor. But I know we're not happy with that because what we secretly all want is a videotaped meltdown of epic proportions, damn the consequences to the family and kids, because we're DCUM and we crave vicarious drama. (And for the record I was someone who earlier advised a very quick and gentle, "nice to see you at the ice cream store!" to BIL, but I can acknowledge that OP knows her family and the situation better than I do.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I really appreciate everyone's feedback but honestly, after reading everything, I think I'm stuck and can't say anything. If I ask him one on one, he'll make up something and I can't prove he's lying. If I mention in front of my sister, no doubt, she will hit the roof, they'll get into an all out fight, it damages their relationship, my relationship with him, potentially my relationship with her and affects the relationships of the cousins (who are extremely close). My sister is a "scorched earth" fighter, meaning - it would not be beyond her to get into a huge fight with him, throw him under the bus on social media, contact his job - she's extreme in a way you can't imagine. Plus my sister does not work - so it's not like she can up and leave him and still support herself. The only thing I can really do is try to see if I run across anything more concrete. I can't really come at her with the ice cream story and potentially jeopardize their marriage over it although I'm convinced something is happening. I just need better proof. If I get that, I'll sit her down and tell her because she deserves to know and I want her to be able to protect herself.

This made me laugh. Your sister sounds like a lunatic.

+1. Poor guy

[Anonymous]

Incidentally the BIL should know that your sister has a "scorched earth" policy and will be dialing in the WMD's so to speak whether it is true or not. In that case he might come clean if he's a bad liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do as you wish but remember if he’s cheating and she ever finds out you’ll have to hide the ice cream incident from her.

She’s going to go after you if you knew and said nothing.

You aren’t responsible for the fall out he’s courting if he’s unfaithful. He knows how she is also.

Well, she doesn't "know." And "hide the ice cream incident"? Say the marriage does blow up. I highly doubt that L'affaire Ice Cream is going to be in the divorce decree. There will be nothing to hide.

Geez, DCUM, she's saying she's going to keep her eyes open now that her suspicions are raised. That doesn't seem crazy given that her sister is a "scorched earth" nuclear (over-)reactor. But I know we're not happy with that because what we secretly all want is a videotaped meltdown of epic proportions, damn the consequences to the family and kids, because we're DCUM and we crave vicarious drama. (And for the record I was someone who earlier advised a very quick and gentle, "nice to see you at the ice cream store!" to BIL, but I can acknowledge that OP knows her family and the situation better than I do.)

Riiiiight. Sis is going to find out DH has been banging around and her sis knew of at least one bang and saw evidence and said nothing?

Sure sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do as you wish but remember if he’s cheating and she ever finds out you’ll have to hide the ice cream incident from her.

She’s going to go after you if you knew and said nothing.

You aren’t responsible for the fall out he’s courting if he’s unfaithful. He knows how she is also.

Well, she doesn't "know." And "hide the ice cream incident"? Say the marriage does blow up. I highly doubt that L'affaire Ice Cream is going to be in the divorce decree. There will be nothing to hide.

Geez, DCUM, she's saying she's going to keep her eyes open now that her suspicions are raised. That doesn't seem crazy given that her sister is a "scorched earth" nuclear (over-)reactor. But I know we're not happy with that because what we secretly all want is a videotaped meltdown of epic proportions, damn the consequences to the family and kids, because we're DCUM and we crave vicarious drama. (And for the record I was someone who earlier advised a very quick and gentle, "nice to see you at the ice cream store!" to BIL, but I can acknowledge that OP knows her family and the situation better than I do.)

Riiiiight. Sis is going to find out DH has been banging around and her sis knew of at least one bang and saw evidence and said nothing?

Sure sure.

You knew John was possibly having an affair? Why didn’t you tell me???!!!???111!!!??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I really appreciate everyone's feedback but honestly, after reading everything, I think I'm stuck and can't say anything. If I ask him one on one, he'll make up something and I can't prove he's lying. If I mention in front of my sister, no doubt, she will hit the roof, they'll get into an all out fight, it damages their relationship, my relationship with him, potentially my relationship with her and affects the relationships of the cousins (who are extremely close). My sister is a "scorched earth" fighter, meaning - it would not be beyond her to get into a huge fight with him, throw him under the bus on social media, contact his job - she's extreme in a way you can't imagine. Plus my sister does not work - so it's not like she can up and leave him and still support herself. The only thing I can really do is try to see if I run across anything more concrete. I can't really come at her with the ice cream story and potentially jeopardize their marriage over it although I'm convinced something is happening. I just need better proof. If I get that, I'll sit her down and tell her because she deserves to know and I want her to be able to protect herself.

Gee, OP, normally I'd be on your sister's side but after this description it sounds like your BIL is trying to have some kind of decent relationship with someone while he's in the midst of a horrible marriage. But, regardless, I think you're right not to say anything until you have a clearer idea whether something is going on. I think it might be worth it to say something to your BIL. Of course he'll lie but the fact that you said something will make him realize that his behavior has been noticed - and maybe he'll make some changes. Or not. But you've put him on notice that you are aware something is going on. Sorry, this is a difficult one. I wish you well!