Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

[Anonymous]

Lots of men are happy to have their wives stay home. OP, I don’t advise you to try a bait and switch, but many people find their priorities change after having children. It’s all theoretical now, and many people aren’t that great and anticipating what will and will not make sense. I would advise you to be open minded and otherwise just try to find someone with similar values and goals. You might get farther expressing that you really want to make sure you and/or your spouse can be around as much as possible for young kids. It absolutely makes sense to be aligned about this kind of thing before having kids, but it might be that you’re trying to be too specific — in terms of your own expectations and also your partner’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

😬

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

Soooo tell ua what you currently do all day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband proposed and asked me relocate with him for a professional program, he told me after his degree we would prioritize whatever I wanted to do and if I wouldn't move, he was staying put. My response was I'd support him through the degree and then wanted to stay home with three children. That's what happened. He understood and valued what I saw as my vocation. Would have been equally supportive of me having a career. Married 45 years. Exactly the life i wanted.

Some thoughts: you need to find someone who values you more than money. I don't know how. Others may have suggestions.
You need to have the ability to work if necessary. As with everything, it helps if you have family money/future inheritance.

We were downwardly mobile for 20 years, but were never worried because my family would have been delighted to employ us in a family business. They even made a counter offer to my husband when interviewing for first post grad job.

Didn't buy a house till I got an inheritance. Shared one compact car for decades.

LOL! It was much easier to have a SAHM 45 years ago. Who doesn’t know that?

Maybe so, but none of my high school or college friends became stay at home moms. Most have advanced degrees. I dropped out of law school to get married. None of my husband's professional colleagues had stay at home spouses. My parents worried I'd be bored. In our social group, my choice was unusual. I don't think it's a better choice than being an employed parent. It was just the life I wanted. I hope OP gets the life she wants.

You are being deliberately obtuse about the economic differences between deciding to stay home now versus 45 years ago.

I think being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice as is wanting to work. It is also ok for men to expect their wives to work as women typically expect their husbands to work (although I do know three SAHDs where the wives are super happy to have their husbands stay home). That said, the economics of a SAHP have dramatically changed even in the last 10 years and we are about to have an AI “bubble” that is going to leave people feeling even more uncertain. It is no surprise to me that men may become more uncertain about signing up to be the sole breadwinner.

I am a wife who has been the primary earner (by a landslide) for the past 5 years. My husband does not want to be a SAHD even though it would make our lives immensely easier — fine, he can work and we hire an after school sitter.

Whether women work or not, they are hit with misogyny (external and internal). Women working outside the home do way more work in the home than men (and the more they make, the more they do at home). Women who stay at home are often undervalued. At a societal level, we still have many problems. I know some SAHMS whose husbands value what they do. And I know some SAHMs that are totally trapped married to huge misogynists. It can be hard to predict.

I hope OP can stay home, but she seems desperately naive about how this can really happen. I would not marry someone in Lala Land about how the world really works. I think this may be her bigger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

Soooo tell ua what you currently do all day

The things I’ve always done. Care for my kids, care for our home, care for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

Soooo tell ua what you currently do all day

She posts on this stupid board, just like you, #girlboss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is mentioning the importance of saving for the $200K it will cost to send each of these kids to college. I doubt these kids want their mom sitting at home while they're in middle school and then making them take the max student loans when it's time for college because the parents didn't have the ability to save that much for each of the 3 kids on just dad's salary.

Preach
However this is DCUM
Allllllll the husband’s of these SAHM’s are rich

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and we paid for private colleges because we could. However, that wasn't needed, kids had merit offers from state schools and even if they hadn't, they could've gone to community colleges for two years and taken small loans for state school's two years. Many of our double income friends sent their kids to community colleges and state schools. Private colleges are a want not a need, shouldn't be the guiding factors in whole family's lives. People who can't afford, get loans, scholarships, jobs and financial aid to make it happen all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.

Not really.

Especially after the kids are school-aged. And the reality is a lot of these women who want to be SAHMs and say they'll return to work ... don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't listen to all the women here who were sold a bill of goods by radical feminism and want you to repeat their mistake of not taking care of their own children by being SAHMs during the children's early years. You need to ask for what you want. You did. Very clearly. Your guy was incompatible. Because he's been brainwashed too. It's better for the kids by far for the mom to SAHM at least for the early years and maybe longer. Yes that means your husband has more pressure and you might not have money for everything you would like to have during those years. So be it it's very strange that these weird women claim to be feminists. Except when another woman wants to make a life choice that causes them to feel the regret that they want and need to stay buried deep to avoid massive congitive dissonance.

Oh, look. It's the ghost of Phyllis Schafly, posting from the grave.

[Anonymous]

I had absoluely no intention of staying at home with kids. I married a person who was reaonable, thoughtful, and flexible, and who understands life can change in an instant. We are a team. We support each other's goals and choices.

Life changed in an instant for us, and I learned the "never say never" lesson in real time. After experience, the change that parenthood brings, the needs of the particular child at issue, the reality of our financial stability and work life balance instability, we talked it out and came to a mutual decison that we both supported. We continued to review the situation over time and continue to reach mutual agreement about our course of action.

The relaity is that what you want now may not be what you need later, so ideally, you and the person you choose to have a life with have to be the kind of people who can assess a situation and pivot as needed, and plan for eventualities as best as you are able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look for MAGA who want tradwives.

DH is very liberal and I am a stay at home/trad wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.

Not really.

Especially after the kids are school-aged. And the reality is a lot of these women who want to be SAHMs and say they'll return to work ... don't.

I work part time, but I had such the opposite experience. I thought work was harder than being home when the kids were little.
Now work is pretty easy. I’ve been doing the same thing for nearly 20 years, and there is rarely a problem that I haven’t seen before. Most things I have literally dealt with hundreds or thousands of times.

My kids, on the other hand, are constantly changing. Parenting a teenager is completely different than parenting a toddler. It’s hard to believe they are even the same person.

In addition, my parents are getting older, so instead of being able to help me, they need my help.

Anyway, I do NOT feel like being a parent of older kids is somehow easier than doing the same job you have been doing your entire adult life. That’s crazy.