Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

OP is clearly not a reliable narrator. The backpack was a complete hypothetical and didn’t happen. Same with the Lululemon story about what supposedly the daughter picked out vs what was bought. DD sounds perfectly normal, wanting to fit in. But the advice in here is hysterical with the people who raised boys 30 years ago claiming they only bought jeans at Walmart and never what the kid actually wanted, and because they raised boys the boys never cared much about clothes anyway. So applicable to raising a tween girl put into a wealthy private school trying to keep up.

I don’t believe OP’s kid has zero nice stuff. It sounds like she does get expensive items occasionally- just not as frequently as she wants them. Which is ridiculous and I would not cave to this.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

OP is clearly not a reliable narrator. The backpack was a complete hypothetical and didn’t happen. Same with the Lululemon story about what supposedly the daughter picked out vs what was bought. DD sounds perfectly normal, wanting to fit in. But the advice in here is hysterical with the people who raised boys 30 years ago claiming they only bought jeans at Walmart and never what the kid actually wanted, and because they raised boys the boys never cared much about clothes anyway. So applicable to raising a tween girl put into a wealthy private school trying to keep up.

I don’t believe OP’s kid has zero nice stuff. It sounds like she does get expensive items occasionally- just not as frequently as she wants them. Which is ridiculous and I would not cave to this.

Dad sounds clueless and annoying so it seems appropriate that he has such a challenging daughter to keep him on his toes and humble him. You think you have parenting figured out until you have a 12 yr old daughter.

[Anonymous]

You have all the advice you need:

Set a budget, let her pick what she wants in the budget.

Have her make a wish list for birthdays/holidays, share with family.

Offer her ways to earn more money and/or find her a job.

You can’t stop in-person influence, but limit socials/you tube/ etc.

Set limits and live with being the “bad guy” on this one.

Focus on contentment as a key family goal.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

Do you buy all of your clothes from Costco and Target? How often do you buy yourself new clothes?

[Anonymous]

I am the poster who suggested the budget. With said $500 budget, one kid chose a new north face backpack. The other reused his backpack, but bought $200 sneakers. Whatever. I don't care. They are not growing anymore, so all is this is a refresh. Once you set the budget, it's so freeing. My daughter used to love a lot of cheap crap. But with her own money, she sees the value of choosing wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

Do you buy all of your clothes from Costco and Target? How often do you buy yourself new clothes?

I buy a mix- as I said. I buy new clothes as needed. A teen expecting all high items and more frequently than back to school, Christmas, birthday, maybe one other special occasion (so already 3-4x per year) is bratty behavior that I would not entertain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

Do you buy all of your clothes from Costco and Target? How often do you buy yourself new clothes?

I buy a mix- as I said. I buy new clothes as needed. A teen expecting all high items and more frequently than back to school, Christmas, birthday, maybe one other special occasion (so already 3-4x per year) is bratty behavior that I would not entertain.

Our kids wear them out every year and maybe every 2 with the better brands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the poster who suggested the budget. With said $500 budget, one kid chose a new north face backpack. The other reused his backpack, but bought $200 sneakers. Whatever. I don't care. They are not growing anymore, so all is this is a refresh. Once you set the budget, it's so freeing. My daughter used to love a lot of cheap crap. But with her own money, she sees the value of choosing wisely.

Who pays for sports clothes, sport shoes, school shoes, church clothes, winter coats, boots etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the poster who suggested the budget. With said $500 budget, one kid chose a new north face backpack. The other reused his backpack, but bought $200 sneakers. Whatever. I don't care. They are not growing anymore, so all is this is a refresh. Once you set the budget, it's so freeing. My daughter used to love a lot of cheap crap. But with her own money, she sees the value of choosing wisely.

Who pays for sports clothes, sport shoes, school shoes, church clothes, winter coats, boots etc?

School shoes, them. It's a back to school budget. Everything else I do, but those are not areas they overspend on. My DS has a north face jacket and my DD a hollister. They rarely wear coats, so they should last forever. I don't expect to buy winter boots again. Their feet are done growing. My dd lost a key sports item and I made her do extra chores to earn back the cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the poster who suggested the budget. With said $500 budget, one kid chose a new north face backpack. The other reused his backpack, but bought $200 sneakers. Whatever. I don't care. They are not growing anymore, so all is this is a refresh. Once you set the budget, it's so freeing. My daughter used to love a lot of cheap crap. But with her own money, she sees the value of choosing wisely.

Who pays for sports clothes, sport shoes, school shoes, church clothes, winter coats, boots etc?

School shoes, them. It's a back to school budget. Everything else I do, but those are not areas they overspend on. My DS has a north face jacket and my DD a hollister. They rarely wear coats, so they should last forever. I don't expect to buy winter boots again. Their feet are done growing. My dd lost a key sports item and I made her do extra chores to earn back the cost.

So not very appropriate for growing kids and you left a lot of the needs out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wading in...

I'm a grandparent. When my D was 11, she cared about clothes a lot more than I did. Now she's middle aged and she STILL cares more about clothes than I do. I don't think I failed to instill my "values"--at least on this issue; we just have different priorities. It's like eating out in pricier restaurants. For some people, it's a waste. Others are really "foodies." Or it might be about how much to spend on a car. IOW, it's about choices and I think it's wrong and unfair to insist that your kids have to end up with the same preferences as you have. (I don't think it's a crime of moral turpitude if someone likes to spend a lot on clothing but in future years is perfectly happy taking more modest vacations and sending their kids to public schools.)

We went the budget route. But I disagree with the folks that want to hand the daughter a budget. I think you negotiate it. For example, when I told my daughter what I thought was reasonable, she asked for deductions and reallocations. So, she said she didn't want underwear to be part of her budget. She was willing to have what I thought was a reasonable amount to spend on underwear deducted from the amount she received. She said if left to her own devices she'd be wearing 3 year old underwear that was much too small because she would blow the stuff on "what other people see." We also deducted standard school shoes--because she had no way of guessing how much and how fast her feet would grow. Again, my guess of cost deducted from budget. Same for winter coat.

She also asked to get 2 payments. One for back to school and one for spring/summer. She asked that the latter be the big one. She has a fall birthday and said between her birthday and Christmas she got some winter clothes and some spending money from relatives, but she didn't get those for spring/summer clothes. So, she wanted more money then.

Shortly thereafter she blew about a quarter of her spring/summer allowance on one outfit. I held my tongue and she wore that outfit to school 2-3 times a week....without complaint. I realized that i would rather have a greater variety of cheaper clothes, but she preferred fewer outfits which she "loved" and felt good in even if that meant the same things over and over. I noted within a year or two that she was less prone to spend as much on a single outfit. She learned the consequences to splurging on something. But there were times when she DID splurge. I might think the item was overpriced, but if that was the "in" thing was she needed to fit it or something she really loved, then she bought if for herself, knowing full well that meant she would not be able to buy as many other things.

That's a long winded way of saying I wouldn't go with the "you need 10 shirts, so you should average $x per shirt" model mentioned above. Maybe she'd be happier with 7 slightly more expensive shirts or with 15 cheaper ones--especially if she does her own laundry.

Bottom line: I don't think a 12 year old girl who wants "in" labels is necessarily a brat. Nor do I think she should be pushed to get a job. Nor do I think parents should be forced to disclose their entire financial situation. Just figure out a plan where you agree on how much money she can spend and which items will be included and then let her figure out how to spend it on individual items.

Good luck!

Mic drop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

OP is clearly not a reliable narrator. The backpack was a complete hypothetical and didn’t happen. Same with the Lululemon story about what supposedly the daughter picked out vs what was bought. DD sounds perfectly normal, wanting to fit in. But the advice in here is hysterical with the people who raised boys 30 years ago claiming they only bought jeans at Walmart and never what the kid actually wanted, and because they raised boys the boys never cared much about clothes anyway. So applicable to raising a tween girl put into a wealthy private school trying to keep up.

I don’t believe OP’s kid has zero nice stuff. It sounds like she does get expensive items occasionally- just not as frequently as she wants them. Which is ridiculous and I would not cave to this.

Dad sounds clueless and annoying so it seems appropriate that he has such a challenging daughter to keep him on his toes and humble him. You think you have parenting figured out until you have a 12 yr old daughter.

Dad did not set good boundaries with money. Nice stuff is subjective, kids grow fast at that age and spending a fortune makes no sense except if super wealthy. She has nice stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

Do you buy all of your clothes from Costco and Target? How often do you buy yourself new clothes?

I buy a mix- as I said. I buy new clothes as needed. A teen expecting all high items and more frequently than back to school, Christmas, birthday, maybe one other special occasion (so already 3-4x per year) is bratty behavior that I would not entertain.

Our kids wear them out every year and maybe every 2 with the better brands

How do they wear out clothing? Tshirts, yes but my kids except shoes have never worn out anything and most look good enough resell or pass on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

Do you buy all of your clothes from Costco and Target? How often do you buy yourself new clothes?

I do Costco, Walmart, eBay - new from company not used for my kids. Sometimes other specific websites. My clothing are Walmart, Costco, and discount stores. Who cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.

Bottom line is you’re not that rich. You have to make financial sacrifices others don’t. To have the money to buy the shirt and then just refuse because Walmart is perfectly fine and for no other reason is twisted and controlling. Your kids will resent you later for trying to control them with money.

DP. We have 7 figure HHI. I am absolutely not buying multiple new backpacks per year bc teens decides what they picked out 4 months ago isn’t cool anymore. Cannot believe there are people on here that do this and think it’s fine. It isn’t. My kids wear a mix of clothing items: some basics from Target or Costco and more expensive items they asked for as gifts or picked out during back to school shopping. But I’m not repurchasing clothing frequently throughout the year because they decide they don’t like what they have anymore/it isn’t cool anymore. Please stop this insanity.

OP is clearly not a reliable narrator. The backpack was a complete hypothetical and didn’t happen. Same with the Lululemon story about what supposedly the daughter picked out vs what was bought. DD sounds perfectly normal, wanting to fit in. But the advice in here is hysterical with the people who raised boys 30 years ago claiming they only bought jeans at Walmart and never what the kid actually wanted, and because they raised boys the boys never cared much about clothes anyway. So applicable to raising a tween girl put into a wealthy private school trying to keep up.

I don’t believe OP’s kid has zero nice stuff. It sounds like she does get expensive items occasionally- just not as frequently as she wants them. Which is ridiculous and I would not cave to this.

Dad sounds clueless and annoying so it seems appropriate that he has such a challenging daughter to keep him on his toes and humble him. You think you have parenting figured out until you have a 12 yr old daughter.

Dad did not set good boundaries with money. Nice stuff is subjective, kids grow fast at that age and spending a fortune makes no sense except if super wealthy. She has nice stuff.

If you are not super wealthy, you should think about that before sending a daughter to private school. There is going to be enormous social pressure on her to have all the current expensive stuff, much more than in public school.

OP and wife should have gotten out in front of this with their dad before the tween years.

If they want to keep her in their current private school, they need to come up with a financial plan to buy her things to fit in OR emotionally support her when they give her a reasonable budget to spend on all these expensive extras she wants. Because she will be the odd teen out in private school.