Grey divorces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your talking to somebody who has friends that clearly don't feel comfortable sharing their real life with her. She probably just has acquaintances and calls them friends.

I see others have responded to this post, but I’m the PP you were taking about. My friendships are deep, some dating back to elementary school, and we know each other well - AND we enjoy doing things as couples with our husbands. We all say that the Covid shutdowns were good for our relationships because we got to take walks, eat more meals with and just see our husbands more. I think it’s dysfunctional people who assume that others lives are as dysfunctional as theirs because they do not know differently.

They don’t confide in you, plain and simple.

+1 This is true but they may not confide in anyone. I don’t tell even my closest friends about some of the issues DH has (although one close friend has picked up on them on her own).

[Anonymous]

They don’t confide in you, plain and simple.

It’s bizarre how invested you are in huge narrative about the relationships of people you do not know. Another sign of dysfunction. Consider therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

That was a huge mistake and you did your children no favors.

[Anonymous]

Women won’t be able to initiate Divorce soon thanks maga women genius absolutely genius

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women won’t be able to initiate Divorce soon thanks maga women genius absolutely genius

That's only in a few states, and they want to restrict no-fault divorce. Not even the most radical MAGA people are pushing to eliminate all divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

I'm the poster of a few pages back who now basically lives apart from my spouse in our second home with no plans to formally separate or divorce.

If I were brutally honest, we too probably should have never married. We were very young (by DCUM standards) and pregnant. And obviously I wish we were closer still shared a more romantic love. But I can't say I regret getting married and wish I didn't. And I certainly don't hate my spouse!

We created an amazing family together and our kids and grandkids love both of us dearly. We're all very close and have great (and frequent) times together as a family before each of us retreats to our own space. It's only when it's just the two of us alone in the same physical space when friction bubbles to the surface, so we just avoid that when we can. And it's not hard since we have two houses.

Last night is a good example of how things go with us. Texting each other from the two houses coordinating helping with grandkids. Spouse says a few days are opening up because they decided against a trip with a really good old friend because it was too expensive. I said no, go and don't worry about the money. The response was "you know full well I don't spend that much money for just a long weekend," to which I responded "exactly and that's why you can afford to do it this time so just do it!" Long story short, I eventually prevailed after threatening to buy and send the tickets myself -- because I knew they really wanted to go. The conversation ended with a "fine, I'll do it but you have to stop NOW." Had we had the same conversation in person, it probably would have ended in a fight. By text, it ended with my spouse making a reservation for a nice trip and sending me a very nice "thank you" after it was all said and done.

Ideal? Nope. Not even close. But things could be a lot worse. We're certainly not going to blow up decades over it. We're both silently committed to making this work.

This is completely f-ed up on many levels. But maybe you realize that. When not just work on yourselves instead of live apart,?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

This is me as well. I have basically hated my wife for 15 years, but sacrificed my happiness for my kids stability. I never cheated and I do regret marrying her, but my commitment is more important than my happiness. 2 more years….

I'm the poster of a few pages back who now basically lives apart from my spouse in our second home with no plans to formally separate or divorce.

If I were brutally honest, we too probably should have never married. We were very young (by DCUM standards) and pregnant. And obviously I wish we were closer still shared a more romantic love. But I can't say I regret getting married and wish I didn't. And I certainly don't hate my spouse!

We created an amazing family together and our kids and grandkids love both of us dearly. We're all very close and have great (and frequent) times together as a family before each of us retreats to our own space. It's only when it's just the two of us alone in the same physical space when friction bubbles to the surface, so we just avoid that when we can. And it's not hard since we have two houses.

Last night is a good example of how things go with us. Texting each other from the two houses coordinating helping with grandkids. Spouse says a few days are opening up because they decided against a trip with a really good old friend because it was too expensive. I said no, go and don't worry about the money. The response was "you know full well I don't spend that much money for just a long weekend," to which I responded "exactly and that's why you can afford to do it this time so just do it!" Long story short, I eventually prevailed after threatening to buy and send the tickets myself -- because I knew they really wanted to go. The conversation ended with a "fine, I'll do it but you have to stop NOW." Had we had the same conversation in person, it probably would have ended in a fight. By text, it ended with my spouse making a reservation for a nice trip and sending me a very nice "thank you" after it was all said and done.

Ideal? Nope. Not even close. But things could be a lot worse. We're certainly not going to blow up decades over it. We're both silently committed to making this work.

This is completely f-ed up on many levels. But maybe you realize that. When not just work on yourselves instead of live apart,?

\

It sounds a lot like my parents' marriage. But they are coming back together now as they are nearly 70. They were torn apart by external factors, including my mom doing over a decade of full-time elder care for her mom, and it was rough on everyone. They just bought a new house and are actually retiring and spending money on themselves, which I am so happy to see. It has 2 master bedrooms, both equally nice, so they don't have to listen to each other snore. I'm hoping they are happy. The both deserve some good years now.

[Anonymous]

Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

Why? Genuinely curious since I’m in the middle of one. I’ll come out of it financially stable and won’t need to work (I’m 52). Two adult kids who have graduated college already. Plans are made for who pays for weddings etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

Kids. That's it. Some parents choose delayed gratification to raise their kids under one roof and tuck them in every night. But once their off and we feel we've done the lion's share of our job as parents, it's our turn to focus on our happiness again with whatever time we have left.

Yep. And educated professionals now have kids later and later so when the kids are old enough to not need you, you fall under the 50+ gray divorce statistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

Why? Genuinely curious since I’m in the middle of one. I’ll come out of it financially stable and won’t need to work (I’m 52). Two adult kids who have graduated college already. Plans are made for who pays for weddings etc.

It's only an issue for people who run out of money and don't plan. If you have plenty of money and a plan for getting yourself into assisted living and long-term care, it won't burden your kids. My in-laws had a grey divorce, and they are a burden to us because we have to help pay for and manage 2 separate dwelling units for them, but that's more of a depleted resource issue than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

Why? Genuinely curious since I’m in the middle of one. I’ll come out of it financially stable and won’t need to work (I’m 52). Two adult kids who have graduated college already. Plans are made for who pays for weddings etc.

Because they still have to spend time with both of you but it's not like they suddenly get 2x the vacation time just because their parents are divorced.

Because managing two aging adults in separate properties is harder than one property. And because you might be single so your children, rather than a spouse or partner, has to be next of kin.

Stop thinking about how this will be in your 50s-70s. Think about how it will be in your 80s and 90s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

Why? Genuinely curious since I’m in the middle of one. I’ll come out of it financially stable and won’t need to work (I’m 52). Two adult kids who have graduated college already. Plans are made for who pays for weddings etc.

Because it opens the door to all kinds of bad things. You might get in a relationship or marry someone who brings problems to the family (like, someone with problem adult children, or who is broke or an alcoholic or whatever). This is what my mother did, she just blames the problems on everyone except her partner and thinks we all should help him out. You might have a second marriage that's just as unhappy as your first, so then that's the same amount of unhappiness but with much worse logistics.

If you or your father died married to each other, then the money would go to their other parent, which keeps it in the family and improves the circumstances of their other parent. That's a positive thing for adult children. If you die married to someone else, they get it and it'll probably end up with their children rather than your children. Not appealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

Why? Genuinely curious since I’m in the middle of one. I’ll come out of it financially stable and won’t need to work (I’m 52). Two adult kids who have graduated college already. Plans are made for who pays for weddings etc.

Because it's not about the money! It's about the time and hassle. They'll probably have to be their other parent's next of kin and do a lot more caregiving for that person. And also a lot more caregiving for you, since you don't have their other parent as next of kin. You won't be 52 forever, eventually you'll be needing more help and you'll be safer living with another adult. I really hate knowing that there's nobody to call 911 for my dad because he lives alone.

You'll probably defend yourself by saying how much your marriage sucks and how awful your current spouse is. But saying "My spouse is just so awful, that's why I'm dumping him on my kids" isn't really that appealing to the kids. It's not going to be a justification in their eyes. Not that you need their permission, but you should have your eyes open about how it impacts them. Don't delude yourself here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gray divorce is a massive pain in the ass for your adult children. Stick it out for 10 years, then you won't care and can just live like room mates.

Why? Genuinely curious since I’m in the middle of one. I’ll come out of it financially stable and won’t need to work (I’m 52). Two adult kids who have graduated college already. Plans are made for who pays for weddings etc.

Because it's not about the money! It's about the time and hassle. They'll probably have to be their other parent's next of kin and do a lot more caregiving for that person. And also a lot more caregiving for you, since you don't have their other parent as next of kin. You won't be 52 forever, eventually you'll be needing more help and you'll be safer living with another adult. I really hate knowing that there's nobody to call 911 for my dad because he lives alone.

You'll probably defend yourself by saying how much your marriage sucks and how awful your current spouse is. But saying "My spouse is just so awful, that's why I'm dumping him on my kids" isn't really that appealing to the kids. It's not going to be a justification in their eyes. Not that you need their permission, but you should have your eyes open about how it impacts them. Don't delude yourself here.

Eventually, one parent dies and the other lives alone. It's almost inevitable. Money, avoiding remarriage, and planning solve nearly all of the issues that PP raised. You must also accept that holidays will differ, and you may not always see your kids and grandkids.