BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

NP here. Grown adult women should not be planning weeklong celebrations around their birthday. Sure, it's lovely that your kids want to come have a nice dinner. The "lavish" party should never have been planned in the first place. Who in their right mind forces people to celebrate their birthdays with them? I find it so offputting.

[Anonymous]

OP has said cost is not an issue. She also hasn’t raised any issues about her or her DH’s jobs.

The only substantive issue is the cost of travel that OP’s kids/brother may have incurred to travel for her second bday celebration. It would be rude to cancel on them if they cannot recoup their travel costs.

Otherwise, we just have two grown-ups behaving like small children who aren’t getting exactly what they want exactly when they want it.

OP stays home and celebrates herself and DH goes to the wedding.

Also, agree with previous suggestion that OP facilitate some form of participation in the wedding/reception for her FIL. It would be beneficial for her to do something for someone else.

[Anonymous]

If the BIL was that concerned about having family present at the wedding then he could have arranged a date that would suitably accommodate everyone. It’s not like he’s shipping out to war the day after. In the words of Elaine Benes this is an unvitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

NP here. Grown adult women should not be planning weeklong celebrations around their birthday. Sure, it's lovely that your kids want to come have a nice dinner. The "lavish" party should never have been planned in the first place. Who in their right mind forces people to celebrate their birthdays with them? I find it so offputting.

See, when your kids don’t like you this is what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

NP here. Grown adult women should not be planning weeklong celebrations around their birthday. Sure, it's lovely that your kids want to come have a nice dinner. The "lavish" party should never have been planned in the first place. Who in their right mind forces people to celebrate their birthdays with them? I find it so offputting.

You’re so weird. Literally everyone I know celebrates their birthdays. We should be looking for more reasons to celebrate, not fewer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has said cost is not an issue. She also hasn’t raised any issues about her or her DH’s jobs.

The only substantive issue is the cost of travel that OP’s kids/brother may have incurred to travel for her second bday celebration. It would be rude to cancel on them if they cannot recoup their travel costs.

Otherwise, we just have two grown-ups behaving like small children who aren’t getting exactly what they want exactly when they want it.

OP stays home and celebrates herself and DH goes to the wedding.

Also, agree with previous suggestion that OP facilitate some form of participation in the wedding/reception for her FIL. It would be beneficial for her to do something for someone else.

No, her husband can do this if it’s a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has said cost is not an issue. She also hasn’t raised any issues about her or her DH’s jobs.

The only substantive issue is the cost of travel that OP’s kids/brother may have incurred to travel for her second bday celebration. It would be rude to cancel on them if they cannot recoup their travel costs.

Otherwise, we just have two grown-ups behaving like small children who aren’t getting exactly what they want exactly when they want it.

OP stays home and celebrates herself and DH goes to the wedding.

Also, agree with previous suggestion that OP facilitate some form of participation in the wedding/reception for her FIL. It would be beneficial for her to do something for someone else.

No, her husband can do this if it’s a priority.

Her DH will be in Australia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

NP here. Grown adult women should not be planning weeklong celebrations around their birthday. Sure, it's lovely that your kids want to come have a nice dinner. The "lavish" party should never have been planned in the first place. Who in their right mind forces people to celebrate their birthdays with them? I find it so offputting.

See, when your kids don’t like you this is what happens.

What happens when you're the person who obviously demands people celebrate her birthday with her, but never learned how to read? I said, kids coming to celebrate--great! The lavish party with "friends?" Annoying and self-centered. Nobody in the history of the world over the age of about 25--30 if you're really immature--is dying to go to "lavish" parties for friends' birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

This is what I kept thinking too. It’s not about dinner, it’s about multiple other people canceling travel plans. I’m sorry, but with adult kids, my nuclear family is a higher priority to me than one of my siblings short notice second weddings literally halfway around the world. Travel and hotel and other arrangements to Australia will cost a fortune on such short notice. I don’t know if OP works but that’s short notice to take enough time off of work to justify the travel to Australia.

+1000. I can't believe people are giving OP a hard time because she isn't dropping everything to go to a wedding on the other side of the world with 4 weeks notice. I've never been invited to a wedding with less than 6 weeks notice even if it was around the corner! Honestly, I would have assumed he didn't really want people to come with such short notice. Truly obnoxious.

We are giving OP a hard time because her post is unnecessarily judgemental and snarky. She already knows she could simply say “sorry we already have immovable plans” but she proceeded to blab on about how important her birthday is, her kids are, a band, dinner reservations, BIL being on his 2nd marriage (gasp), not getting married in a cathedral, some BS about the bride thinking her wedding was important years ago and then not hurrying up and getting married on OPs “appropriate” timeline….. if OP wasn’t such a jackass in her original post she wouldn’t be getting this reaction.

I did not read any of it as judgey, beyond the fact that that OP is legitimately annoyed and that BIL is legitimately the AH in this situation. I'd be irritated as well, PP, and if I wrote about it on DCUM, I'd be a lot more acerbic than OP!!!

The cathedral bit is lovely, though.

DP. All of OP’s posts are judgy and full of condescension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

NP here. Grown adult women should not be planning weeklong celebrations around their birthday. Sure, it's lovely that your kids want to come have a nice dinner. The "lavish" party should never have been planned in the first place. Who in their right mind forces people to celebrate their birthdays with them? I find it so offputting.

You’re so weird. Literally everyone I know celebrates their birthdays. We should be looking for more reasons to celebrate, not fewer.

With "lavish" parties? No. Close friends getting together when it's convenient? Sure. I guess I just don't hang with self-centered people. We're all pretty chill and have incredibly full, busy lives. No time for "lavish" parties for everyone's birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

This. The cost of flights alone, sheesh. They should have given more notice, and should reschedule if necessary.

Has OP even priced out travel? Not clear from her post. August isn’t high season in Australia.

Doesn't matter. I went to Australia last month, and the economy seat that I purchased MONTHS in advance was a little over $2k.Everything will be more expensive a month out, especially if you don't want to sit in a horrible coach seat.

OP has tons of complaints but price of travel is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has said cost is not an issue. She also hasn’t raised any issues about her or her DH’s jobs.

The only substantive issue is the cost of travel that OP’s kids/brother may have incurred to travel for her second bday celebration. It would be rude to cancel on them if they cannot recoup their travel costs.

Otherwise, we just have two grown-ups behaving like small children who aren’t getting exactly what they want exactly when they want it.

OP stays home and celebrates herself and DH goes to the wedding.

Also, agree with previous suggestion that OP facilitate some form of participation in the wedding/reception for her FIL. It would be beneficial for her to do something for someone else.

No, her husband can do this if it’s a priority.

Her DH will be in Australia.

Welp…too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the BIL was that concerned about having family present at the wedding then he could have arranged a date that would suitably accommodate everyone. It’s not like he’s shipping out to war the day after. In the words of Elaine Benes this is an unvitation.

Absolutely this. There is no extenuating circumstance like deployment or a family medical diagnosis or something compelling this wedding to suddenly happen. People who value others being able to attend provide notice, especially for travel. If the BIL wants to randomly do this, he is entitled to do so but no one else needs to bend their life around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

And which people expect multiple bday celebrations costing $$.