Halloween dis-invitation

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

My involvement: order pizza

This never used to be a thing. You ate dinner at your house then met your friends on the street. But now, you involve yourself.

I have no part other than ordering food _if_ they end up at our house.

People have gathered for dinner before trick or treating for as long as I can remember. Even back to the 80s. It might be new to you but it’s not new in general.

Not everyone had this same experience. But as usual it’s parent driven which causes a lot of problems.

In our area, it’s not parent driven at all. Which is why it’s so messy.

Kids are meeting at homes and the homeowner has no idea who is coming? People hosting parties in their homes are involved how can they not be? Kids don’t have their own places to host.

Yes. Kids are making the plans on where and who.

I really don't know my kids friends. I see new faces all the time. Unless the kid was particularly disrepectful on a previous visit I don't care who drops by. Do you have teens?

Yes, teens. I was saying yes to the PP who asked if I have no idea who is coming.

So now nobody knows where their teens are going or who they are hanging out with? Where did all these completely hands off parents come from?

My kid loosely keeps me updated, but many MS/HS kids are independent enough to make their own plans.

I guess I’m the only one who asks my kid where they are going and who will be there. If the list of kids kept changing I would be asking why.

You know every single kid your kid hung out with last night and you know every single place they went?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

By the time they are in MS, not everyone wants to ToT so it makes sense that they might just want to hang out together at a house.
I think one issue is Halloween has become an “event” that everyone thinks they need to have plans for.

Huh? It’s been like that for as long as I can remember. Kids like to meet up before heading out. If they head out at all.

-Gen-X

I’m also Gen X. Where I lived we would meet up to ToT but didn’t have a big party before or after.

Hanging out w/pizza isn’t exactly a big party.

It’s a meeting spot w/easy dinner.

So you bribe kids with pizza to come to your house so your kid’s plans are locked in.

Yes, it’s a big conspiracy.

No, if the kids end up here I order pizza. Just like other parents do if the kids end up meeting at their house. I have no part in deciding where or who is meeting up.

People in here are clearly saying they host parties and are suggesting to OP that she host her own party. I guess you just don’t want to call your gathering a party.

Pick whatever word you want. It’s low key and has almost zero parent involvement.

Cool. So the kids are drinking in the basement at your not party b/c you’re not involved.

Why are you being weirdly aggressive about this?

The low-key gathering w/pizza does not include alcohol. There are adults in the home.

It’s social engineering. But people are claiming it’s not.

Does some social engineering exist? Yes.

Is letting your kid and their friends decide completely on their own what to do, where to go, and who to invite (and then change it all multiple times) considered social engineering? No.

When my kid was in 7th grade, he was invited to a boy’s house I never met. It was the first time we dropped him off at a stranger’s house. He had 2 close friends from elementary. 1 friend was invited and 1 was not. Uninvited friend felt so awful. The uninvited friend was not excluded. He just did not know the host kid. I clearly remember the mom and boy were super upset and I felt helpless bc I didn’t know host family. My son only knew half the kids there.

Kids are in high school now and the 3 close friends from elementary are still close. That host kid is in another group.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

My involvement: order pizza

This never used to be a thing. You ate dinner at your house then met your friends on the street. But now, you involve yourself.

I have no part other than ordering food _if_ they end up at our house.

People have gathered for dinner before trick or treating for as long as I can remember. Even back to the 80s. It might be new to you but it’s not new in general.

Not everyone had this same experience. But as usual it’s parent driven which causes a lot of problems.

In our area, it’s not parent driven at all. Which is why it’s so messy.

Kids are meeting at homes and the homeowner has no idea who is coming? People hosting parties in their homes are involved how can they not be? Kids don’t have their own places to host.

Yes. Kids are making the plans on where and who.

I really don't know my kids friends. I see new faces all the time. Unless the kid was particularly disrepectful on a previous visit I don't care who drops by. Do you have teens?

Yes, teens. I was saying yes to the PP who asked if I have no idea who is coming.

So now nobody knows where their teens are going or who they are hanging out with? Where did all these completely hands off parents come from?

My kid loosely keeps me updated, but many MS/HS kids are independent enough to make their own plans.

I guess I’m the only one who asks my kid where they are going and who will be there. If the list of kids kept changing I would be asking why.

I have MS kids and I always ask where they are going, and if it’s a gathering at someone’s house I check in with the parent to make sure it’s ok, can they bring something, etc. but I never ask who is going to be there. It matters to me not at all what other tweens will be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi:

We had this situation but the opposite. There is a girl with weak social skills that clings to my daughter. Why my daughter? I think because she’s nice and the other girls just give her the cold shoulder. But through my daughter she has access to a group.

She and her parents are constantly asking us to do things. Like we will have a playdate on Friday and they will start hassling us about Saturday and then when we say no Sunday. It’s exhausting. It’s also caused problems when some girls pull away from my daughter because this girl is always tagging after her and so these girls go elsewhere. She still has friends but probably fewer than she might otherwise. This is 5th grade.

When this girls parents invited themselves over again for Halloween I was inclined to say yes just because it’s hard to be alone on my special day, but when I told my daughter she was in tears. The friend she was going with didn’t want to go with this girl (for the same reasons as everyone else) and my daughter didn’t want to jeopardize the new friendship. My daughter likes hanging out with this girl sometimes, but just sometimes - she doesn’t want to be best friends and this kid smothers her. So at some point I just needed to stick up for my kid.

Kids are absolutely mean sometimes, as are adults. But it’s very hard to deliver the message, “more people would want to be your kid’s friend if they were just easier to deal with.” So you say nothing and they feel excluded.

I did the opposite yesterday. I invited adults with teen and teen joined my teen’s friends. This will be the only time I do this. The whole situation was awkward.

[Anonymous]

I did the opposite yesterday. I invited adults with teen and teen joined my teen’s friends. This will be the only time I do this. The whole situation was awkward.

It's up to you, and I agree it can be awkward, but sometimes it can work out. That's how my teen son met his current girlfriend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

My involvement: order pizza

This never used to be a thing. You ate dinner at your house then met your friends on the street. But now, you involve yourself.

That is not exactly PP involving herself. Come on. Her kid said, "Mom, is it okay if I have some friends over on Halloween?" She said "sure" and he asked if she could get some pizzas. Same thing happened at my house and I promise you there was no social engineering going on. I bought pizza and allowed the use of my basement for a nerdy group of robotics club kids. I definitely did not involve myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

My involvement: order pizza

This never used to be a thing. You ate dinner at your house then met your friends on the street. But now, you involve yourself.

I have no part other than ordering food _if_ they end up at our house.

People have gathered for dinner before trick or treating for as long as I can remember. Even back to the 80s. It might be new to you but it’s not new in general.

Not everyone had this same experience. But as usual it’s parent driven which causes a lot of problems.

In our area, it’s not parent driven at all. Which is why it’s so messy.

Kids are meeting at homes and the homeowner has no idea who is coming? People hosting parties in their homes are involved how can they not be? Kids don’t have their own places to host.

Yes. Kids are making the plans on where and who.

I really don't know my kids friends. I see new faces all the time. Unless the kid was particularly disrepectful on a previous visit I don't care who drops by. Do you have teens?

Yes, teens. I was saying yes to the PP who asked if I have no idea who is coming.

So now nobody knows where their teens are going or who they are hanging out with? Where did all these completely hands off parents come from?

My kid loosely keeps me updated, but many MS/HS kids are independent enough to make their own plans.

I guess I’m the only one who asks my kid where they are going and who will be there. If the list of kids kept changing I would be asking why.

You know every single kid your kid hung out with last night and you know every single place they went?

Yes? I guess some of you are the parents of the roving teens but this doesn’t describe every teen gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

DP. My kids—MS and HS—are on the receiving end of the disinviting or last minute “sorry, can’t do it” type of thing frequently. It’s a total bummer as a parent who tries to stay out of their social business.

It seems like kids today are really rigid in how group plans come together. Like it has to be a very specific combo of people or the whole thing is off. In my day, we were much more likely to bring on stragglers, even if they weren’t our closest friends. It was no big deal.

I have 3 kids. We host a lot. Over the years, I have complained about people not reciprocating. I guess by middle and high school still being the house as the hang out house has its benefits. They are usually always included by some group.

I think part of the problem is that there’s “hosting” involved at all. The pre-parties and the group pic for social media—it’s turned a relatively simple, sweet holiday into yet another opportunity to reinforce your tribe.

Because the parents had to get involved again and ruin it. Like youth sports.

Actually it is the exact opposite in middle and high school. Parents are NOT involved. Kids make their own friend groups.

Who is ordering and paying for all this food as part of the “hosting”? Parents are absolutely involved in this.

My involvement: order pizza

This never used to be a thing. You ate dinner at your house then met your friends on the street. But now, you involve yourself.

That is not exactly PP involving herself. Come on. Her kid said, "Mom, is it okay if I have some friends over on Halloween?" She said "sure" and he asked if she could get some pizzas. Same thing happened at my house and I promise you there was no social engineering going on. I bought pizza and allowed the use of my basement for a nerdy group of robotics club kids. I definitely did not involve myself.

Zero social engineering from this parent for my 15yo.

I did not like several of my second son’s friends in 6th but they all still hung out. The friend group fell apart and I’m glad.

[Anonymous]

It’s all so disingenuous. All the anti bullying and rah rah inclusivity speech is performative bs on all parenting sites. So many of you justify your kids unnecessarily hurtful behavior because you care more that your kid is included.

And to the immigrant person who keeps posting that most of us don’t host because we have dirty hoarder homes - get lost. I’ve hosted so many groups of kids for over a decade and am done with it. I was used as a free babysitter for so many parents and the entitled behavior I saw from the parents would shock you.

The reality is people are colder and less caring. I was raised differently and you could count on kindness from other people. We all view resources as being so scarce for our children now that every parent would crap on a child if it meant their kid had an advantage.

[Anonymous]

What I’ve seen since my kids started doing play dates was that the parents who were adept at social engineering had more popular kids. This was particularly true with girls. Those of you bragging about how you weren’t involved at all are not the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s all so disingenuous. All the anti bullying and rah rah inclusivity speech is performative bs on all parenting sites. So many of you justify your kids unnecessarily hurtful behavior because you care more that your kid is included.

And to the immigrant person who keeps posting that most of us don’t host because we have dirty hoarder homes - get lost. I’ve hosted so many groups of kids for over a decade and am done with it. I was used as a free babysitter for so many parents and the entitled behavior I saw from the parents would shock you.

The reality is people are colder and less caring. I was raised differently and you could count on kindness from other people. We all view resources as being so scarce for our children now that every parent would crap on a child if it meant their kid had an advantage.

Would it shock me? No. And I know this entitled behavior did not come from immigrant parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I’ve seen since my kids started doing play dates was that the parents who were adept at social engineering had more popular kids. This was particularly true with girls. Those of you bragging about how you weren’t involved at all are not the norm.

What grade are your kids in?

I can see this for like 2nd grade, the older you get I think the less true this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I’ve seen since my kids started doing play dates was that the parents who were adept at social engineering had more popular kids. This was particularly true with girls. Those of you bragging about how you weren’t involved at all are not the norm.

What grade are your kids in?

I can see this for like 2nd grade, the older you get I think the less true this is.

I have 3 kids. My oldest wore glasses and shy in elementary school. He was smart and looked like a nerd. Guess he had a glow up. He is now in high school, still very smart but now wears contacts and plays three varsity sports. He gets invited out constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s all so disingenuous. All the anti bullying and rah rah inclusivity speech is performative bs on all parenting sites. So many of you justify your kids unnecessarily hurtful behavior because you care more that your kid is included.

And to the immigrant person who keeps posting that most of us don’t host because we have dirty hoarder homes - get lost. I’ve hosted so many groups of kids for over a decade and am done with it. I was used as a free babysitter for so many parents and the entitled behavior I saw from the parents would shock you.

The reality is people are colder and less caring. I was raised differently and you could count on kindness from other people. We all view resources as being so scarce for our children now that every parent would crap on a child if it meant their kid had an advantage.

Would it shock me? No. And I know this entitled behavior did not come from immigrant parents.

Erm, you would be wrong. Maybe your knowledge is based on the ones you know
NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I’ve seen since my kids started doing play dates was that the parents who were adept at social engineering had more popular kids. This was particularly true with girls. Those of you bragging about how you weren’t involved at all are not the norm.

Playdates? We are discussing tweens/teens.