My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP who just talked about meditation, which I clearly wrote before is read the whole thread! Now that I have, I say, “yay mediation,” and keep at it. You sound like you’re doing the work, you just want to do work that actually works for you.

As for psychoanalysis and Freud, I think the idea that we have unconscious needs and motivations, and that we twist our conscious experience to meet these unconscious needs in ways we may never even realize, is pretty profound, and accurate. But also: c’mon, Freud. You’re a bit much sometimes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

Agreed. I also don't know a single parent who ever decided that yelling at their kids and losing their temper when things got challenging was going to be the plan.

I'm sure there are some cold-blooded parents who do that, but I think to be able to never actually yell at your kids requires a similar type of sociopathy that would also allow you to intentionally yell at them.

Yelling at them was never an option. In a frustrating situation, I stay calm. On the rare occasions I felt anger surfacing, I walked away. This was standard from my kids' earliest days. They knew that when I walked away, they needed to get their act together and did so. If they were unable to, then I understood they needed something more. Patience, empathy and compassion go a long way with children.

I know adults like you in some very dysfunctional relationships. In fact, kids need to learn about anger, that it's not the end of the world, that it doesn't mean you're not loved, or even that you did something wrong. Losing your temper is a natural human emotion. Should it be done frequently? Of course not. Does losing your temper, apologizing, and showing what humanity looks like to your kids create healthy adults? Yep. Better than your fake AF way of life.

yup, everyone loses their temper and everyone makes mistakes or acts the wrong way.

teaching your kids its okay and that you can recover the situation with grace and love is FAR better than pretending you never get upset or make mistakes.

They've seen me angry, just not at them. I understand typical developmental behaviors and abilities of children of all ages. I don't get mad at kids for being kids. It's a lot of patience and love I feel. My kids do feel and express snger appropriately. They have been allowed to express a full range of emotions and have been supported in figuring out what to do with their feelings. The kids are alright. As for me and dh, we aren't dysfunctional. We went through some things in childhood which make our happy little hone seem like paradise. We feel gratitude more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Exactly. A good therapist should more of a life coach. Find one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's obviously lots of details that can't be included, but you know, I'm a modern american husband and father, and I have stress in my life. Sometimes it's overwhelming, sometimes I make parenting mistakes, etc. My own parents were not great, but I'm very aware of all that, and I've worked hard to avoid the mistakes they made—in fact, my parenting flaws, which I have, are very unlike theirs.

My wife thinks therapy would be helpful and would help me "unpack" my feelings about my parents and help me be a better father or person. I've tried therapy and I found it extremely unrewarding—I felt like I just had to have a conversation with a person I don't know, about things that I already know about and don't really enjoy talking about, and she gave me kind of milquetoast suggestions on how to handle various issues. I didn't cry or discover anything new about myself.

I understand the importance of not suppressing things, but I also think that it's important to not dwell. I'm not deeply opposed to the idea of therapy and it does seem to help some people, but I feel like I'm pretty introspective and aware. I guess I'm just wondering if maybe there's a certain KIND of therapist or style of therapy that might be more productive?

Change therapists.

Therapists should be for (a) finding positive coping methods for things you cannot control, and /or (b) finding concrete things to do to improve your own habits and behaviors .

Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Exactly. A good therapist should more of a life coach. Find one.

Well, it sounds like I should find a life coach, not a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP who just talked about meditation, which I clearly wrote before is read the whole thread! Now that I have, I say, “yay mediation,” and keep at it. You sound like you’re doing the work, you just want to do work that actually works for you.

As for psychoanalysis and Freud, I think the idea that we have unconscious needs and motivations, and that we twist our conscious experience to meet these unconscious needs in ways we may never even realize, is pretty profound, and accurate. But also: c’mon, Freud. You’re a bit much sometimes.

I believe the unconscious stuff, but the garbage about things happening when you're a baby and your mother--we know now, thanks to science, that infants can't even SEE, they have astonishingly short memories (because of the growing nature of their brain, not suppression) and while hearing language is important, they don't understand words... Even non-freudian analysis seems SO counter-science. Like, there's a physical or chemical reaction to so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP who just talked about meditation, which I clearly wrote before is read the whole thread! Now that I have, I say, “yay mediation,” and keep at it. You sound like you’re doing the work, you just want to do work that actually works for you.

As for psychoanalysis and Freud, I think the idea that we have unconscious needs and motivations, and that we twist our conscious experience to meet these unconscious needs in ways we may never even realize, is pretty profound, and accurate. But also: c’mon, Freud. You’re a bit much sometimes.

I believe the unconscious stuff, but the garbage about things happening when you're a baby and your mother--we know now, thanks to science, that infants can't even SEE, they have astonishingly short memories (because of the growing nature of their brain, not suppression) and while hearing language is important, they don't understand words... Even non-freudian analysis seems SO counter-science. Like, there's a physical or chemical reaction to so much.

PP. sure, agree. I grew up with a devoted Freudian. Parent bought it all, not just the idea of the unconscious, but ALL of Freud.

Sometimes as a teenager and college student I felt like I was going crazy, as they’d point to people we knew — neighbors, friends of mine, etc — and declare them “orally fixated,” “Oedipal,” “expressing the unconscious wish fulfillment of their parent,” and if I ever contradicted, the answer was “it’s UNCONSCIOUS, though.” Which conveniently meant there was no way to argue with it. Oh, how infuriating that was!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP who just talked about meditation, which I clearly wrote before is read the whole thread! Now that I have, I say, “yay mediation,” and keep at it. You sound like you’re doing the work, you just want to do work that actually works for you.

As for psychoanalysis and Freud, I think the idea that we have unconscious needs and motivations, and that we twist our conscious experience to meet these unconscious needs in ways we may never even realize, is pretty profound, and accurate. But also: c’mon, Freud. You’re a bit much sometimes.

I believe the unconscious stuff, but the garbage about things happening when you're a baby and your mother--we know now, thanks to science, that infants can't even SEE, they have astonishingly short memories (because of the growing nature of their brain, not suppression) and while hearing language is important, they don't understand words... Even non-freudian analysis seems SO counter-science. Like, there's a physical or chemical reaction to so much.

PP. sure, agree. I grew up with a devoted Freudian. Parent bought it all, not just the idea of the unconscious, but ALL of Freud.

Sometimes as a teenager and college student I felt like I was going crazy, as they’d point to people we knew — neighbors, friends of mine, etc — and declare them “orally fixated,” “Oedipal,” “expressing the unconscious wish fulfillment of their parent,” and if I ever contradicted, the answer was “it’s UNCONSCIOUS, though.” Which conveniently meant there was no way to argue with it. Oh, how infuriating that was!

I just don't get it, I know at the time science wasnt' very advanced at the time, but that garbage kept going for decades long after it stopped making sense scientifically.

I feel like there's a lot of that in today's instagram mommy blogging/therapy shilling. We know A LOT about the way the brain works, why do we let so much pseudoscience and magical thinking continue to lead us astray.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen about five therapists over the course of my life, and two of them were just awful. It was all just really stupid and obvious stuff. Sometimes I think about the fact that if I had only ever gone to them, I would think that therapy was so dumb.

But I had one therapist who was truly life-changing. And a couple others who were pretty good.

My guess is that your spouse, who presumably knows you very well, thinks you do not seem happy, and would like you to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife given any specific examples on why she thinks therapy would be beneficial? Are you taking your stress out on her or the kids verbally or physically, drinking too much, isolating yourself etc? I feel like there must be a reason she's suggesting it if your previous experience wasn't helpful.
Cognitive behavior therapy could be more helpful to you since it is shorter term and usually involves developing goals and better ways of coping with problems rather than being just talk therapy or psychoanalysis. You also might relate more to a male therapist.

I don’t drink, I don’t abuse anyone… I’m just a normal person, who sometimes has a tough time. I’m willing and have taken medication for anxiety, that’s helpful. She just is a big believer in the idea that if something isn’t right in your life it must be because you have some buried problem that you need to work through. She has gone to a therapist and talked about HER parents, but it’s all a bit of a mystery to me, because they’re not that super deep in their dysfunction. I just don’t see what the point of rehashing things, but I don’t mind if she does.

I just feel like am I missing something that other people are getting out of therapy? My conclusion is no, some people just have a hard time examining themselves.

You’re right about people having a hard time examining themselves but wrong about who it is in this case.

It’s you, OP. YOU are having a hard time examining yourself. Your explanation of why you think therapy will not/cannot work is sounding more scripted with every post. It doesn’t reflect self-examination; it is an effort to shift responsibility, and potentially shame of some kind. What would help you figure it out is therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Exactly. A good therapist should more of a life coach. Find one.

Well, it sounds like I should find a life coach, not a therapist.

Life coach is literally a brand of therapists.

Since you are so opposed to therapy in general, why not read a book? Whatever issue you are having that is annoying the people in your family, there’s probably a book written by a good psychologist that explains the common coping strategies and why they work. That is a good starting place.

[Anonymous]

You do seem very domineering. That is annoying. It’s not 1953.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the replies, but 1) if you take meds for anxiety, I belive meds + therapy is the standard 2) if your wife thinks so, what do you have to lose compared to what you may have to gain 3) get over the stigma if that is wha is going on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife given any specific examples on why she thinks therapy would be beneficial? Are you taking your stress out on her or the kids verbally or physically, drinking too much, isolating yourself etc? I feel like there must be a reason she's suggesting it if your previous experience wasn't helpful.
Cognitive behavior therapy could be more helpful to you since it is shorter term and usually involves developing goals and better ways of coping with problems rather than being just talk therapy or psychoanalysis. You also might relate more to a male therapist.

I don’t drink, I don’t abuse anyone… I’m just a normal person, who sometimes has a tough time. I’m willing and have taken medication for anxiety, that’s helpful. She just is a big believer in the idea that if something isn’t right in your life it must be because you have some buried problem that you need to work through. She has gone to a therapist and talked about HER parents, but it’s all a bit of a mystery to me, because they’re not that super deep in their dysfunction. I just don’t see what the point of rehashing things, but I don’t mind if she does.

I just feel like am I missing something that other people are getting out of therapy? My conclusion is no, some people just have a hard time examining themselves.

You’re right about people having a hard time examining themselves but wrong about who it is in this case.

It’s you, OP. YOU are having a hard time examining yourself. Your explanation of why you think therapy will not/cannot work is sounding more scripted with every post. It doesn’t reflect self-examination; it is an effort to shift responsibility, and potentially shame of some kind. What would help you figure it out is therapy.

It is possible that shame has nothing to do with anything. Why do you jump straight to the idea that shame is involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the replies, but 1) if you take meds for anxiety, I belive meds + therapy is the standard 2) if your wife thinks so, what do you have to lose compared to what you may have to gain 3) get over the stigma if that is wha is going on

read the replies pls