MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Right, that's what we're saying, MIL. Keep being manipulative, rigid, nosy and self-focused, and you're not going to be welcomed warmly with open arms. Maybe you should try being open to communication, flexible, and capable of thinking about things from others' perspective if you want to be treated like a welcome, mature adult.

Maybe you should be capable of thinking about things from your DH's perspective. He loves his mother, and your MIL knows the only way to be a part of HIS life is to go around you and ignore your wishes. Because if you have your way, she'd never come over.

Believe me, your MIL knows her son -- your DH -- is kicking himself for marrying you but he's up to his chin in it so he's stuck. She's there for him, not you.

Would you want a person who held an opinion of you like THAT to drop by your home unannounced? I sure as heck wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Right, that's what we're saying, MIL. Keep being manipulative, rigid, nosy and self-focused, and you're not going to be welcomed warmly with open arms. Maybe you should try being open to communication, flexible, and capable of thinking about things from others' perspective if you want to be treated like a welcome, mature adult.

Maybe you should be capable of thinking about things from your DH's perspective. He loves his mother, and your MIL knows the only way to be a part of HIS life is to go around you and ignore your wishes. Because if you have your way, she'd never come over.

Believe me, your MIL knows her son -- your DH -- is kicking himself for marrying you but he's up to his chin in it so he's stuck. She's there for him, not you.

then why isn't he returning your texts or calls?

why doesn't he come visit you himself?

He does.

Then you would be a part of his life, you sad thing.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if she's nice to you and at least gives you a heads up, I don't understand the problem. I mean, why can't she be a part of your family? Now my MIL would be a different story completely - she shows up with no notice, completely takes over the house, moves my things around without asking, changes my decor, and basically makes a huge nuisance of herself. Plus, she treats me badly and is a bully. But if she were nice and just wanted too see her son and grandkids? I wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as she didn't complain that I'm too busy to chat and the house is messy.

[Anonymous]

The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

Are you crazy or trolling? Why on earth would you think her DH supports these rude pop in pretenses? Why on earth do you feel that it’s either you waltz in disrupting their lives whenever it pleases you or it’s no contact, though I can certainly understand it if your adult children are estranged from you.,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

Damn. Drinking so heavily today? Please point to the post where OP said she’s cutting off her MIL? The MIL is invited to come over for dinner on a regular basis and spends plenty of time with the family. ON TOP OF THAT…she wants to stop by whenever she wants. If that time doesn’t work, she pouts. She can’t just drop off something. She has to hang out on the porch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

Janice is not handling her first edible well. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

Once again, if he wanted to text or phone you, or visit you, he would do so anyway. If your son has cut you out of his life, that's not your DIL's fault.

What kind of measly little mouse-man did you raise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

Lord, you can't keep a single thought in your head. This is the first post of the thread:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Either you're drinking or you're addicted to drama. Neither is a good look.

[Anonymous]

Such lovely responses. Plenty of people besides your MIL will be celebrating when your DH files for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn not to care about her hurt feelings.

My MIL used to call me at work to chat, in the early days of my marriage, until my husband explained that I had a JOB, and was just as busy as he (she never called him at his workplace!).

This is the moment when your husband reiterates, firmly, that his modern family is extremely busy and that it's now considered gauche to drop by unannounced, because it throws off a finely tuned schedule that has to run like clockwork otherwise everyone's late for all their work/school/activities, dinner is late and meltdowns happen.

And if she has tantrums and complains about you to everyone... well then, that's HER problem. You don't care.

People should really consider if the bolded is a good way to live. If your life is this tightly wound, you have created a problem.

[Anonymous]

She wants her way and is used to having more control. She could time her baking and soup making to align with her weekly visit, but she wants her 'kind' gesture to get her in the door more frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wants her way and is used to having more control. She could time her baking and soup making to align with her weekly visit, but she wants her 'kind' gesture to get her in the door more frequently.

Of course she does. You sound like that's a bad thing. This is her child and grandchildren. In other words, her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

Why do they have to be a captive audience? Why do they have to drop everything to focus on MIL? Can't they just relax, even around their own family?This sounds like PTSD -- always having to be alert, always on guard. This is not healthy in a family.