Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Why is a childfree woman dating you?? She should date childfree men as she is a hot commodity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.

They. Live. Elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is a childfree woman dating you?? She should date childfree men as she is a hot commodity.

Childfree and divorced or single = red flags all around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.

They. Live. Elsewhere.

But so does the girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Some of you are nuts.

OP, I'm on your side. Kids can come and go freely, but if they bring friends it would be nice to get a quick call or text. If GF doesn't like that, tough sh#t. Or find new GF who gets it.

--another Mom who would never limit kids access to their home. Even when they live elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now it's about time spent, soon it will be about inheritances spent.

Good point. Someone without kids will never truly understand that the kids will always come first. Another parent would get this. And tbh I’d be turned off by a guy who didn’t prioritize his kids.

Some childless people would understand. It depends on their attitude about kids:
-Always wanted them, but it didn't work out, loves to hang with nieces and nephews -- might be very happy to join a blended family;
-Only child who never wanted kids and has little to no relationship with own parents or extended relatives -- may have a totally different world view;
-- lots of inbetween.

I know people who stop hanging out with good friends once those friends have kids, and they don't reach out again until the kids are gone. It's not an uncommon attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.

They. Live. Elsewhere.

They have two homes because their parents are divorced. They go to college during the school year. It is their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.

They. Live. Elsewhere.

But so does the girlfriend

Are you dim? This is a scenario in which OP is thinking of asking his GF to move in with him. IF she moves in, THEN she would like some notice to put on some clothes before a troop of college kids let themselves in.

[Anonymous]

I don't have kids and wouldn't think it was my place to tell you how to have your kids visit the house. I would either move in or not, based upon the current status quo. I think she overstepped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your girlfriend? Does she want kids of her own or has that ship sailed? Anyways, you aren't in the wrong; however, your personal situation sounds like a bad deal for her - sounds like she'll always be a third wheel at "your" house. I think breaking up with her would be kind as it'd give her a chance to find someone to enter into a relationship on more equal footing with someone.

This! Why would this woman take on his baggage when she should have much better options?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.

They. Live. Elsewhere.

They have two homes because their parents are divorced. They go to college during the school year. It is their home.

No, OP clearly says they live on their own. It is not a matter of them living with their parents during the summer--that would be totally different.

[Anonymous]

I'm 55, and if I called my mom to ask if I could come over, she would immediately suspect I had bad news to share."Why are you asking if you can come over?"

The point is different families behave differently with each other (think of the extremes in the families in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"). So you are either compatible or can adapt to each others' lifestyles, or you aren't. Maybe there is room for give and take here, maybe there isn't, but it is time for a long, serious talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a childfree woman dating you?? She should date childfree men as she is a hot commodity.

Childfree and divorced or single = red flags all around

What are the red flags?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a childfree woman dating you?? She should date childfree men as she is a hot commodity.

Childfree and divorced or single = red flags all around

But childfree sand married is the bomb! 😁💰✌️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She decided she didn't want kids and arranged her life accordingly. She wanted the DINK lifestyle. She's not going to change her mind and accept your kids or your future grandkids as a regular part of the household. She will treat their visits like the times DINKS are invited to parties where kids are also invited: decline the invite, or grin and bear it and leave as early as possible. Happy to be distant aunt and uncle maybe.

But you are a Dad, and want to be a Dad, and distant aunt and Dad doesn't really work. She probably figures you were nearly "done" with kids so this could work out, not realizing one is never "done" with their kids.

I don't put high hopes on future compatibility here.

This is a very astute answer. And FWIW, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a DINK lifestyle. But it isn’t compatible long term with someone who clearly embraces the family lifestyle with a full house. I’m the latter (I have 3 kids and know I will have a lot of emotions once the house grows quieter). My children will never be on the same level as guests who require an invite.

And I’ll add that I myself went through some tough times in college (health issues requiring me to come home for a couple surgeries and a bad breakup from a guy who was abusive). It was very much a transitional time in my life, I didn’t just pop out as a full fledged adult the second I turned 18 and went off to college. Having a home base was so important. Which is why I find the GF’s request unreasonable for OP to accommodate even if her reasons for asking are understandable from her perspective.

I’ve told my DH that we absolutely will not downsize until all our kids are fully through college. OP really needs to keep the door open to his kids for now and hopefully find someone else more compatible in the future.