Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.

They. Live. Elsewhere.

But so does the girlfriend

Are you dim? This is a scenario in which OP is thinking of asking his GF to move in with him. IF she moves in, THEN she would like some notice to put on some clothes before a troop of college kids let themselves in.

If she had moved in a couple years earlier while the kids were in HS she would be expected to have clothes on because the kids might come home. This isn’t that different. If you know there are family members coming and going, you plan accordingly. Maybe she shouldn’t move into the childhood home of college kids if she wants to live like she doesn’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

If she moves in, the home becomes THEIR HOME. OP’s attitude is “it’s my home, my rules.” This is the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Once the children are out of the house I will have a welcome any time but notify. We all have an expectation of privacy in our home environment.

Your kids are adding in the additional layer of friends and hanging out at pool.

I think your girlfriend is on point. Sounds more like she wants notice more than control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once the children are out of the house I will have a welcome any time but notify. We all have an expectation of privacy in our home environment.

Your kids are adding in the additional layer of friends and hanging out at pool.

I think your girlfriend is on point. Sounds more like she wants notice more than control.

Come back and let us know how that’s going once your kids are out of the house.

College kids are only out of the house because they’re in school during the school year. When school is out most go home. OP’s kids are going home, to their dads house. And I think it’s great they want to bring their friends over. The g/f is high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s safe to say that unless OP finds a woman who wants kids over all the time that he wait until his kids are out of college to make any new living arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once the children are out of the house I will have a welcome any time but notify. We all have an expectation of privacy in our home environment.

Your kids are adding in the additional layer of friends and hanging out at pool.

I think your girlfriend is on point. Sounds more like she wants notice more than control.

Come back and let us know how that’s going once your kids are out of the house.

College kids are only out of the house because they’re in school during the school year. When school is out most go home. OP’s kids are going home, to their dads house. And I think it’s great they want to bring their friends over. The g/f is high maintenance.

That is not what is happening. Maybe they live with the mom all the time. Not sure. But he specifically said they never live with him all year round. Holidays whatever. They don’t live with him. They just come over to visit and use the pool

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. I don't think they need to be invited, but I think the request that they call to say they are coming or knock is reasonable. My kids and I live nearby, and DH and I felt pretty annoyed when my son was regularly letting himself into our house to watch soccer (we have Peacock, he does not) without calling to let us know or knocking. He does have a key, but the idea was he would use it if we were out of town or in an emergency, not to let himself into our house whenever.

[Anonymous]

Ugh she sounds selfish, controlling and rigid. Living with her would not be pleasant. She will estrange you from your kids and eventual grandkids. You are right to walk away. She should be trying to form bonds with your kids instead of tearing apart yours. No wonder she never had a family. Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once the children are out of the house I will have a welcome any time but notify. We all have an expectation of privacy in our home environment.

Your kids are adding in the additional layer of friends and hanging out at pool.

I think your girlfriend is on point. Sounds more like she wants notice more than control.

It wasn’t a notice issue. OP says the GF wants the kids to be invited and to have limits on their time spent over there. She wants them to be house guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Decisions, choices, consequences.

+1 - neither of you is wrong.

You (and your GF somewhat) seem to struggle with the idea that you can be perfectly justified in your preferences and actions, but still not get the outcome you want. Your choices and decisions have consequences that you might not like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once the children are out of the house I will have a welcome any time but notify. We all have an expectation of privacy in our home environment.

Your kids are adding in the additional layer of friends and hanging out at pool.

I think your girlfriend is on point. Sounds more like she wants notice more than control.

It wasn’t a notice issue. OP says the GF wants the kids to be invited and to have limits on their time spent over there. She wants them to be house guests.

she does not want to be a houseguest herself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

You can keep repeating this as many times as you like, but you’ll still be wrong. She’ll get that right when she has a ring and not before.

The PP is "wrong" to want a heads up?? You're potentially nuts. Listen, if all the parties agree that they're fine with the arrangement of 'no heads up needed', that's great. But there are lots and lots of people on here telling you that in their non-blended homes, everyone, including teen and adult children, and adult spouses, give each other the courtesy of a heads up when they bring people over. To suggest that all of those functioning, happy families are "wrong" is totally bizarre.

Perhaps, but in this case, it would be a big change. And to change your relationship with your kids from open door to 'call first' is a HUGE emotional change. It cannot be compared to an intact house where giving notice is the norm. They will see the change as tied to the new relationship (which it is) and be hurt.

Honestly she's being ridiculous, the kids are already in college. This phase is lasting another few years max and then you are in adulthood and giving notice becomes more normal.

She doesn't live there, she isn't married, demanding changes that would have a substantial impact on the parent/child relationship is out of bounds. But honestly she herself is not out of bounds, she is expressing what she needs. OP is expressing their limits. It can be a situation where no one is the bad guy but they should break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a childfree woman dating you?? She should date childfree men as she is a hot commodity.

Childfree and divorced or single = red flags all around

What are the red flags?

InCompatibility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.

They. Live. Elsewhere.

But so does the girlfriend

Are you dim? This is a scenario in which OP is thinking of asking his GF to move in with him. IF she moves in, THEN she would like some notice to put on some clothes before a troop of college kids let themselves in.

If she had moved in a couple years earlier while the kids were in HS she would be expected to have clothes on because the kids might come home. This isn’t that different. If you know there are family members coming and going, you plan accordingly. Maybe she shouldn’t move into the childhood home of college kids if she wants to live like she doesn’t have kids.

Yes, she hasn’t even moved in yet and has already expressed her annoyance at the kids and her intention of
Limiting their access to their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.

They. Live. Elsewhere.

But so does the girlfriend

Are you dim? This is a scenario in which OP is thinking of asking his GF to move in with him. IF she moves in, THEN she would like some notice to put on some clothes before a troop of college kids let themselves in.

If she had moved in a couple years earlier while the kids were in HS she would be expected to have clothes on because the kids might come home. This isn’t that different. If you know there are family members coming and going, you plan accordingly. Maybe she shouldn’t move into the childhood home of college kids if she wants to live like she doesn’t have kids.

Yes, she hasn’t even moved in yet and has already expressed her annoyance at the kids and her intention of
Limiting their access to their house.

Before moving in is the appropriate time to discuss boundaries and accommodations. Not after.