Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Protect your relationship with your kids at any cost. GFs/wives come and go, your kids are forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

But his children are not guests…they’re his children.

Exactly this. As college age - they really could be living at home - where would her "boundaries" shift then? Then she'd have to deal with them everyday coming and going along with their friends.

Summer is but so long - they are in school. So really, she's mad that for three months the kids come to THEIR house? The one they actually grew up in? WTF. And anyone whose gone through it, soon the college age kids move on and then the pool and house sit empty for longer and longer stretches until perhaps grandkids come along. We're not talking about a pack of 35 year olds here.

OP - I would break up. I'm not saying that your gf doesn't deserve some boundaries but by saying you have to invite your own kids before they come or ask? That's where I would draw the line, I'm sorry. It would be a hard pass for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

[Anonymous]

Oh holy hell… she would be lucky to lose you. You kids come and go at any time with their friends? Sounds like a frat house. Tell her to stop crying and pack her bags. She is better off without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are 100% right. I think you need to break up with her because she has no idea what being a parent is.

And apparently, he has no idea what being a partner is.

Of course he does, they've been dating for 3 years. He can do better. Get rid of her, OP.

Maybe he can start dating you. You both give overreact almost comically hysterical and have no appreciation for reasonable boundaries.

You mean like the heads up when someone is coming over?

My kids don’t need a heads up when coming over. If they being a friend or two, I don’t need a heads up. A party of 10, yes, i’d like to know beforehand.

It would antagonize the kids to all of a sudden have to call first because girlfriend has moved in. Especially if it’s their childhood home.

Poor kids

[Anonymous]

Question for the OP - How are you living your life? Do you enjoy doing things for yourself? Do you throw dinner parties or have friends over to watch sports?

If you don't, I suggest you start trying to find joy in things for yourself. I'm not saying this as a dig, but I put my kids first and as they get older, I struggle to remember what I like to do and I'm a little lost. As your kids get older and have their own families, you may start struggling with what I'm struggling with.


If you do, how does that work? Let's say you invite friends over for a BBQ or dinner party and then your kids, with 4 or 5 other 20+ YOs show up to use the pool. Let's not kid anyone. When you invite even a few friends over, it's a party. What do you tell your guests? Do you cut your evening short? Do you move your guests into another part of the house (from an outside BBQ to an indoor event) so that your guests don't have to "party" with the 20 YOs?

I'm just trying to figure out how you manage these interactions - forget the gf - curious about how you handle it with other friends/guests.

[Anonymous]

Your house, your rules.
If you don't want to accomdate your GF, she needs to understand that message and make her decisions accordingly.
If she doesn't like your family dynamics, she can decide if she wants to be with you or break up.

If you don't want to lose her, you can decide whether to respect her request for boundaries.

Decisions, choices, consequences.

For now, I agree with the way you are handling it. When your kids get a bit older/out of school you can lay down more boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Wait I reread the OP and the gf does not even live there. It’s not even her house! And ahe is a gf not a wife. Get rid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s normal for kids to ask or tell their parents before bringing friends over.

I also would typically call or text my parents before stopping by.

So even eliminating the step issue, I don’t think that’s abnormal.

Maybe you could compromise - your kids can come over whenever, but if they are bringing friends at the very least they need to give a heads up.

One tension I have with my boyfriend who I live with is he doesn’t tell me when people are coming over. Like his parents will be coming over and he won’t even tell me - they just appear. It’s bizarre. I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand that I might want a to push the dishes in the dishwasher or put on a bra before his mom stops by.

He said they are in college. College kids don't ask permission before coming home to their own bedrooms, with or without friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now it's about time spent, soon it will be about inheritances spent.

Good point. Someone without kids will never truly understand that the kids will always come first. Another parent would get this. And tbh I’d be turned off by a guy who didn’t prioritize his kids.

There seems to be a critical mass here who thinks OP should date a woman with kids who will understand, maybe even praise him for prioritizing his kids. But would OP actually date a woman his own age with the same number of kids who is on great terms with her ex and best friends with his new wife and who lets her adult kids and all their friends come and go as they please at her house where they spend most of their time together, in her terms? Doubt it. He’s been with a childless woman for the last three years for a reason, right OP?

College kids. Coming home. To their bedroom in Dad's house. Could you imagine, "Dad, is it OK for me to come home and sleep in my pwn bed today, or does your girlfriend need my bedroom to practice mediation today?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Protect your relationship with your kids at any cost. GFs/wives come and go, your kids are forever.

+1

[Anonymous]

She decided she didn't want kids and arranged her life accordingly. She wanted the DINK lifestyle. She's not going to change her mind and accept your kids or your future grandkids as a regular part of the household. She will treat their visits like the times DINKS are invited to parties where kids are also invited: decline the invite, or grin and bear it and leave as early as possible. Happy to be distant aunt and uncle maybe.

But you are a Dad, and want to be a Dad, and distant aunt and Dad doesn't really work. She probably figures you were nearly "done" with kids so this could work out, not realizing one is never "done" with their kids.

I don't put high hopes on future compatibility here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

Agreed. It seems entitled and disrespectful for the kids to always be traipsing through with no consideration. And if it bothers the girlfriend it’s worth considering. OP sounded very harsh and confrontational, I empathize with the girlfriend.

It's weird that you guys are really inferring a lot from OPs post. Nowhere did he say they were "traipsing" or disrespectful or all the time or any of that. The projection on this forum is real.

The OP said they aren't really coming to visit him, but to use the pool. Sometimes with friends. That absolutely sounds like a bunch of obnoxious college kids

It's their home.