Reply to Trying to get over husband’s affair

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]^ thanks for this.  I haven’t.  He’s been doing everything right.  He has worked hard and showed up every day, and taken so much abuse from me as I struggled with it and my emotions raged all over.  He never once put any blame on me.  It’s been a few years and I’m still assessing whether it’s something I’m willing to live with and be able to overcome.  I was a bit upset that the “8 year lady” said she still thinks about it every day (not obsessively and is happy), I’m not sure I can do that- but [b]we are great friends/lovers/parents/partners. [/b] [/quote]

I have done a lot of work around this issue as my spouse and I split after an affair (and they subsequently married the AP)...I don't know how you can characterize your relationship as great in all of those ways. There was an underlying tremendous amount of disregard, disrespect, and outright horrible things done and said about you, his "friend, lover, co-parent, and partner." I can't imagine doing the things he did and saying all he did and still seeing them as great in those ways. Great parents do not disrespect their children's mother. Great friends do not talk trash and betray their friends. Great partners certainly don't do anything near what he did. Mid-life crisis happen often - most don't result in extra-marital affairs. I won't even address the lovers part because he obviously wanted to have sex with someone else.

So while I have so much admiration for your honesty, I also wonder where you really are with the deep betrayal. Not saying all marriages should end after an affair. But your statement about how great you two are seems incredibly incongruous with the state of your marriage.

And "taking so much abuse from you" actually makes him feel better. Look it up.[/quote]

DP. There was no trash talking in my spouse’s- even she said that.  He apparently only ever says good things. Therapist told me the same.  15, 20, 30 years is a long time.  Complete compartmentalization and a lot of personal issues.  Sometimes it really is just an escape from themselves.

You don’t know this person or the exact situation.  Many men who cheat say they were very happy in their marriage. It’s really not the same with women.

Your spouse married the AP so it sounds like a very different situation. Some men do this with absolutely zero intention of leaving.  Did this guy confess? Did he do the dumping? Did he do the work?

Not all affairs are anything about the ow or love. It could have been anyone. Just like a bottle of vodka.  And 40-50% of marriages experience cheating.  Midlife affairs are very, very common.

I am very sorry for what you went through.[/quote]

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