Why do people think you have to spend so much on your kids?

[Anonymous]

op writes just like Burger King lady, hmmm…

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the issue is internal. Sorry. You’re doing fine okay - it shouldn’t matter if other people make different choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP these old lessons you are teaching no longer benefit kids. While your child is slumming it at community college for 2 years, their peers have an established peer group and contacts with professors. Your child misses out on all the extra network building from study abroad as well as Greek membership if they are into it. Perhaps most importantly, your kid will be waiting tables or tending bar late night while their peers study for 4.0s and use their network for summer internships.

In sum, you are expected to use your $400k to help set your child up for success. Also realize your child may miss some early opportunities because they need to take a more miserable job (or multiple jobs) to service their loans.

My DS went to a CC and then transferred to Virginia Tech. He didn't qualify for financial aid. We paid for his tuition at the CC in full but we only paid half of his tuition for the 2 years at Virginia Tech. A loan was used to cover the other half. In state tuition is around 14k. He worked part-time and did some paid internships that helped pay for room and board, and some living expenses.
He graduated magna cum laude last year and got his first job at Amazon making over six figures.
He is not an exception. I have seen many kids with similar paths.

Do you what you think is good for your kids. But don't fool people into thinking that others who take a different paths will not succeed.

They may well succeed, but you also should also be prepared for the fact that your kids may want little to nothing to do with you in adulthood knowing you had ample resources to make their educational path easier and chose to be selfish.

Maybe your kids will, but my kids and most kids that were not raised as entitled children won't.
My kids know from a very young age that even though we have money, we would give them the minimum to start their own life. They will need to forge their own path and work to build their own wealth. It worked for my grand-parents, it worked for my parents, it is working for me and my kids.
It may not work for you and your kids though. So don't do it. Do what works for you and let others do what works for them.

The minimum has changed quite drastically. Earning a high income but not providing substantial support for college just teaches your child how to get hustled and scammed by banks when you are poor. I sure wouldn't teach a life lesson to my children by racking them with high-interest private loans for undergrad. Meanwhile their social peers graduate debt free and move into nice neighborhoods.

The minimum has not changed drastically. People who are smart, work both smart and hard have always succeeded. This was true yesterday, it is true today and will be true tomorrow. I live in a nicer neighborhoods than my social peers even though they went to private colleges and had no student loans. Try a different excuse, this one doesn't hold.

So what if you end up with a kid who is not "smart"? Do you make different plans for them or do you assume that they are not as hardworking as your other children?

I would make different plans for them. I would give them more support. I would not ask my kids to do something that is impossible.
But I expect kids to contribute something to take some ownership and responsibility for their life and for their future even when I can provide 100%. It doesn't start when they are 18, it starts at a very young age. So, it's not a surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what hurts kids is not that they can’t have everything they want. It’s not even trying to help them what matters. That’s what I remember from my youth. My parents didn’t give me a single dime after I turned 18, mostly my mother’s idea.
Have they told me - we don’t have much (which I knew) but here is $1000 - I would not want for more and my feelings for them would have been different

Are you now a failure because your parents didn't give you a dime after you turned 18?
You wanted money from your parents to have good feelings about them? Maybe this is where parents failed. They failed to teach you that love isn't about money.

I wanted them to recognize my struggles and help me a bit. More of token help.
I didn’t fail. But I think they did.

[Anonymous]

I have two under two. The cheapest daycare option near us is $4400 a month for the two of them.

We got a nanny - only $500 more a month and worth every penny.

I do feel morally obligated to not leave my babies alone all day. Turns out it’s freakin expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what hurts kids is not that they can’t have everything they want. It’s not even trying to help them what matters. That’s what I remember from my youth. My parents didn’t give me a single dime after I turned 18, mostly my mother’s idea.
Have they told me - we don’t have much (which I knew) but here is $1000 - I would not want for more and my feelings for them would have been different

Are you now a failure because your parents didn't give you a dime after you turned 18?
You wanted money from your parents to have good feelings about them? Maybe this is where parents failed. They failed to teach you that love isn't about money.

I wanted them to recognize my struggles and help me a bit. More of token help.
I didn’t fail. But I think they did.

You think they fail but actually they didn't.
Are you a good human being? I bet you would say yes.
Do you have good moral values? I bet your would say yes.
Are you successful in your life? You said yes.

Your parents have succeeded in raising a good and successful human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will have to use your income on their FAFSA. They will not get enough aid. They will be forced to take out private loans.

I had 70k in debt in 1999 because my parents did what you did. The average student debt loan was $16,000 total for all four years then. I had to take out private loans from Chase bank at 9% interest. I had to work 3 jobs in my 20s to pay it off. It ruined my career prospects (could not consider professional school...I had to survive) and I literally had no fun or joy in my college years or from 18-32. I paid it off around age 32. It destroyed my young adulthood and changed my life trajectory than it would have been otherwise.

I have barely spoken to my parents since. I am mid 40s now. They intentionally started my life in a hole. Their income was used against me.

College costs are too high for you to do this to your kids. They won't get aid with your income.

You really need a reality check. I would never, ever do this to my kids. Never.

Stop blaming your parents for your own failure. Take responsibility for your failure. Nobody owns you anything even your parents. Be an adult and own your life. In your mid 40s and you are blaming your parents for shortcomings? This is pathetic.

I was an international student and didn’t qualify for any help. I had to take student loans.
I wasn’t even allowed to work. I did what I could to survive, working illegally at times.
Today I have a job in tech making $400k, all student loans are paid off. Spouse is making $300k. We have a high net worth. Life is good. I’m not sitting here blaming my parents.
In fact, I think that the struggle I went through helped me become stronger. It didn’t ruin my life like it did yours because I wasn’t an entitled child.
Grow up. Take control of your life and stop blaming your parents.

If you were an international student, then your parents paid for college and you were a full pay student so your experience is completely irrelevant because you did not have massive student loan debt, holding you back from making career decisions, and forcing you to work jobs you may not have worked otherwise because you had to pay back those loans before you actually started your life. You can shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will have to use your income on their FAFSA. They will not get enough aid. They will be forced to take out private loans.

I had 70k in debt in 1999 because my parents did what you did. The average student debt loan was $16,000 total for all four years then. I had to take out private loans from Chase bank at 9% interest. I had to work 3 jobs in my 20s to pay it off. It ruined my career prospects (could not consider professional school...I had to survive) and I literally had no fun or joy in my college years or from 18-32. I paid it off around age 32. It destroyed my young adulthood and changed my life trajectory than it would have been otherwise.

I have barely spoken to my parents since. I am mid 40s now. They intentionally started my life in a hole. Their income was used against me.

College costs are too high for you to do this to your kids. They won't get aid with your income.

You really need a reality check. I would never, ever do this to my kids. Never.

Stop blaming your parents for your own failure. Take responsibility for your failure. Nobody owns you anything even your parents. Be an adult and own your life. In your mid 40s and you are blaming your parents for shortcomings? This is pathetic.

I was an international student and didn’t qualify for any help. I had to take student loans.
I wasn’t even allowed to work. I did what I could to survive, working illegally at times.
Today I have a job in tech making $400k, all student loans are paid off. Spouse is making $300k. We have a high net worth. Life is good. I’m not sitting here blaming my parents.
In fact, I think that the struggle I went through helped me become stronger. It didn’t ruin my life like it did yours because I wasn’t an entitled child.
Grow up. Take control of your life and stop blaming your parents.

NP, immigrant as well. My parents never paid a dime for my education in US, not because they didn't want to, it's because they didn't have any extra money without compromising their own retirement and my siblings education. Vastly different from parents who earn $400K. The big difference is I came here for grad studies, as undergrad was fully paid by my parents in my home country.

This is not the same thing at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will have to use your income on their FAFSA. They will not get enough aid. They will be forced to take out private loans.

I had 70k in debt in 1999 because my parents did what you did. The average student debt loan was $16,000 total for all four years then. I had to take out private loans from Chase bank at 9% interest. I had to work 3 jobs in my 20s to pay it off. It ruined my career prospects (could not consider professional school...I had to survive) and I literally had no fun or joy in my college years or from 18-32. I paid it off around age 32. It destroyed my young adulthood and changed my life trajectory than it would have been otherwise.

I have barely spoken to my parents since. I am mid 40s now. They intentionally started my life in a hole. Their income was used against me.

College costs are too high for you to do this to your kids. They won't get aid with your income.

You really need a reality check. I would never, ever do this to my kids. Never.

Stop blaming your parents for your own failure. Take responsibility for your failure. Nobody owns you anything even your parents. Be an adult and own your life. In your mid 40s and you are blaming your parents for shortcomings? This is pathetic.

I was an international student and didn’t qualify for any help. I had to take student loans.
I wasn’t even allowed to work. I did what I could to survive, working illegally at times.
Today I have a job in tech making $400k, all student loans are paid off. Spouse is making $300k. We have a high net worth. Life is good. I’m not sitting here blaming my parents.
In fact, I think that the struggle I went through helped me become stronger. It didn’t ruin my life like it did yours because I wasn’t an entitled child.
Grow up. Take control of your life and stop blaming your parents.

If you were an international student, then your parents paid for college and you were a full pay student so your experience is completely irrelevant because you did not have massive student loan debt, holding you back from making career decisions, and forcing you to work jobs you may not have worked otherwise because you had to pay back those loans before you actually started your life. You can shut up.

+1000

[Anonymous]

No one has to spend a lot of money to raise happy and healthy kids, but it is my experience that travel, music, sports, education etc enriches life and we're fortunate that DH and I are in a position to give our DC those experiences. As parents, we want the best for our kids, so we started saving for their college education when they were born. Could they go to community college, sure, but we believe college is about more than getting a basic education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP these old lessons you are teaching no longer benefit kids. While your child is slumming it at community college for 2 years, their peers have an established peer group and contacts with professors. Your child misses out on all the extra network building from study abroad as well as Greek membership if they are into it. Perhaps most importantly, your kid will be waiting tables or tending bar late night while their peers study for 4.0s and use their network for summer internships.

In sum, you are expected to use your $400k to help set your child up for success. Also realize your child may miss some early opportunities because they need to take a more miserable job (or multiple jobs) to service their loans.

My DS went to a CC and then transferred to Virginia Tech. He didn't qualify for financial aid. We paid for his tuition at the CC in full but we only paid half of his tuition for the 2 years at Virginia Tech. A loan was used to cover the other half. In state tuition is around 14k. He worked part-time and did some paid internships that helped pay for room and board, and some living expenses.
He graduated magna cum laude last year and got his first job at Amazon making over six figures.
He is not an exception. I have seen many kids with similar paths.

Do you what you think is good for your kids. But don't fool people into thinking that others who take a different paths will not succeed.

Isn't this unique to NoVA since VA universities only admit a few from each school? I can see CC happening if you need to be top 10 student just to get into state university.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cost of community college varies by where you live. If you live in Virginia, the current cost is a bit over $3700 a year. So maybe with the max allowed loans and year round jobs, your kids could get through 2 years of community college. Probably not doable in Maryland. Current cost is $7300 a year. What you will have saved plus their earnings is unlikely to be enough to go straIght through for the last 2 years. even if they live at home.

I hope you're a troll. If not, I feel sorry for your kids.

OP here we are in MD, I don’t think the savings will be an issue and here’s why. We started saving as soon as we made the decision to have our first kid, 2 years before they were born so there will be 20 years of savings and the same for our second kid. 2000/yr compounding at 7% per year is $82,000 after 20 years in current year dollars. We will also be increasing the savings rate starting next year to 2400/yr to account for recent inflation. The current cost of college per year for in state students at UMD is around 25k give or take including room and board. For community college it’s around 7500/yr where we live and they will be living at home during that time with all expenses covered unless they insist on moving out (on their own dime of course!), so this only comes out to 65k for 4 years. Now of course, the cost of college might increase faster than inflation but this is out of our control. Investments could do poorly as well, but again that’s out of our control. If there’s a gap with the savings, kids can take out loans like I did or get a side job or good paying internship. Summer internships at good companies are paying $50+ an hour these days.

I went to school right when the financial crisis was happening and a lot of the money was invested in stocks so bad timing on my parents part, but that’s how it goes sometimes. I took out loans that were around 28k by the time I graduated. I paid everything off within 2 years because I made sure to go in to a lucrative field (tech) with a salary that made the 4 year college education worth it.

So I really don’t think the savings will be an issue. I also played rec soccer as a kid, was in my schools band, scouts, etc and didn’t feel like my parents limited my childhood enrichment at all. I’m on good terms with my parents and they were able to retire at an early age which I’m happy for.

While I'm sure there are a handful of kids going to community college who get good paying internships you shouldn't count on your now 3 and 5 year old children going to community college, living in your exurb, and getting 50+/hour (or whatever the equivalent amount will be in 2037) for summer internships.

I understand the premise of your post and agree in principle that trying to bankrupt yourself to keep up with the jones' is silly. That said, there are certain things that your kids would benefit from - like swim lessons - that you sound unwilling to fund on your HHI and that strikes me as odd. Buy your kids the target clothes (we do and our HHI is over $700K and likely to increase to over $900K in the next few years) and send them to public schools, but what are you going to do when you retire at 52? Just sit around and worry about money? You remind me of some of my family and I don't understand the penny pinching and hand wringing. You don't need to be miserable and neither do your kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm all for being frugal but this sounds a little ridiculous, especially on the 529 front.

[Anonymous]

I see no issue with OPs plans.

Community college for the first 2 years of college is actually pretty smart. Lower level classes don't need to be completed at a premium. The classes are usually smaller too so if they're kid is ambitious it's almost like 1 on 1 tutoring as they won't be competing for the teacher's attention with 500 other kids.

They'll probably have a 4.0 GPA for both years and then can transfer into a state school with Merit scholarship money since a lot of the state schools have an agreement with the local CCs.

Not a bad plan at all and $2-3k per year with the kids living at home ought to do it with no concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see no issue with OPs plans.

Community college for the first 2 years of college is actually pretty smart. Lower level classes don't need to be completed at a premium. The classes are usually smaller too so if they're kid is ambitious it's almost like 1 on 1 tutoring as they won't be competing for the teacher's attention with 500 other kids.

They'll probably have a 4.0 GPA for both years and then can transfer into a state school with Merit scholarship money since a lot of the state schools have an agreement with the local CCs.

Not a bad plan at all and $2-3k per year with the kids living at home ought to do it with no concerns.

*their; was typing too fast