Why do people think you have to spend so much on your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 kids, we live in a 3 br townhouse in an exurb that has a 1400/mo mortgage, we send them to public school and we only save $2000 per year per kid for their college while having a 400k HHI. Rec soccer, cheap city summer camps. I don’t believe that you are morally obligated to financially strain yourself just to give your kids what society thinks is the ideal life. Our kids are very happy and don’t feel like they’re deprived from what I can tell.

OP, I wouldn’t do the same but I fully understand what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. Good parenting doesn’t mean throwing money into expensive activities for your kids. Money doesn’t buy happiness. Your kids can be happy and have a wonderful life without all of this, and it seems like they are happy.
Kids don’t need to go to elite colleges to succeed in life. Your plans don’t include paying for expensive colleges and this is totally fine.

-1

Huge difference between "paying $80K/year for elite colleges vs fully funding $40-50K/year for good state school/private school with some merit vs go to CC and figure it out from there you are on your own"

Providing an education is very different than funding expensive sports/activities.
Why have kids is you don't want to help with the basics? In 2023, helping fund college is part of the basics when you make$400K

Education is very important and helping fund college is definitely part of the basics. But that can be partly funding, that can be funding CC, etc..
Teaching your kids how to fish is more important than serving them the fish in a golden plate.

CC path is not that viable if you want engineering/CS. 2 years at CC would be half wasted---you'd have your Gen Eds and maybe the first year of Calc. Where I live the CC is not as rigorous as the first year of classes at StateU so you might get at most 1 year towards your Eng Degree. Therefore, starting at a 4 year would be more useful. Have the kid go to State school/private with some merit so it's only 40-50K/year. But if you make $400K+/year, you should at a minimum help your kid attend that without debt (or at most the $27Kmax over 4 years). yes the kid can work a summer job and during breaks and earn $10K towards college and their spending in college. But why would you saddle them with more debt or make them take 6-8 years to get their degree while working?

Not prudent

Agree with this. I majored in a different science field and it would not have worked for me either- there was no way I would have been able to cram in all the lab classes required for my major in two years at my 4-year university, it just didn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will have to use your income on their FAFSA. They will not get enough aid. They will be forced to take out private loans.

I had 70k in debt in 1999 because my parents did what you did. The average student debt loan was $16,000 total for all four years then. I had to take out private loans from Chase bank at 9% interest. I had to work 3 jobs in my 20s to pay it off. It ruined my career prospects (could not consider professional school...I had to survive) and I literally had no fun or joy in my college years or from 18-32. I paid it off around age 32. It destroyed my young adulthood and changed my life trajectory than it would have been otherwise.

I have barely spoken to my parents since. I am mid 40s now. They intentionally started my life in a hole. Their income was used against me.

College costs are too high for you to do this to your kids. They won't get aid with your income.

You really need a reality check. I would never, ever do this to my kids. Never.

Stop blaming your parents for your own failure. Take responsibility for your failure. Nobody owns you anything even your parents. Be an adult and own your life. In your mid 40s and you are blaming your parents for shortcomings? This is pathetic.

I was an international student and didn’t qualify for any help. I had to take student loans.
I wasn’t even allowed to work. I did what I could to survive, working illegally at times.
Today I have a job in tech making $400k, all student loans are paid off. Spouse is making $300k. We have a high net worth. Life is good. I’m not sitting here blaming my parents.
In fact, I think that the struggle I went through helped me become stronger. It didn’t ruin my life like it did yours because I wasn’t an entitled child.
Grow up. Take control of your life and stop blaming your parents.

NP, immigrant as well. My parents never paid a dime for my education in US, not because they didn't want to, it's because they didn't have any extra money without compromising their own retirement and my siblings education. Vastly different from parents who earn $400K. The big difference is I came here for grad studies, as undergrad was fully paid by my parents in my home country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP these old lessons you are teaching no longer benefit kids. While your child is slumming it at community college for 2 years, their peers have an established peer group and contacts with professors. Your child misses out on all the extra network building from study abroad as well as Greek membership if they are into it. Perhaps most importantly, your kid will be waiting tables or tending bar late night while their peers study for 4.0s and use their network for summer internships.

In sum, you are expected to use your $400k to help set your child up for success. Also realize your child may miss some early opportunities because they need to take a more miserable job (or multiple jobs) to service their loans.

My DS went to a CC and then transferred to Virginia Tech. He didn't qualify for financial aid. We paid for his tuition at the CC in full but we only paid half of his tuition for the 2 years at Virginia Tech. A loan was used to cover the other half. In state tuition is around 14k. He worked part-time and did some paid internships that helped pay for room and board, and some living expenses.
He graduated magna cum laude last year and got his first job at Amazon making over six figures.
He is not an exception. I have seen many kids with similar paths.

Do you what you think is good for your kids. But don't fool people into thinking that others who take a different paths will not succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 kids, we live in a 3 br townhouse in an exurb that has a 1400/mo mortgage, we send them to public school and we only save $2000 per year per kid for their college while having a 400k HHI. Rec soccer, cheap city summer camps. I don’t believe that you are morally obligated to financially strain yourself just to give your kids what society thinks is the ideal life. Our kids are very happy and don’t feel like they’re deprived from what I can tell.

OP, I wouldn’t do the same but I fully understand what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. Good parenting doesn’t mean throwing money into expensive activities for your kids. Money doesn’t buy happiness. Your kids can be happy and have a wonderful life without all of this, and it seems like they are happy.
Kids don’t need to go to elite colleges to succeed in life. Your plans don’t include paying for expensive colleges and this is totally fine.

-1

Huge difference between "paying $80K/year for elite colleges vs fully funding $40-50K/year for good state school/private school with some merit vs go to CC and figure it out from there you are on your own"

Providing an education is very different than funding expensive sports/activities.
Why have kids is you don't want to help with the basics? In 2023, helping fund college is part of the basics when you make$400K

Education is very important and helping fund college is definitely part of the basics. But that can be partly funding, that can be funding CC, etc..
Teaching your kids how to fish is more important than serving them the fish in a golden plate.

CC path is not that viable if you want engineering/CS. 2 years at CC would be half wasted---you'd have your Gen Eds and maybe the first year of Calc. Where I live the CC is not as rigorous as the first year of classes at StateU so you might get at most 1 year towards your Eng Degree. Therefore, starting at a 4 year would be more useful. Have the kid go to State school/private with some merit so it's only 40-50K/year. But if you make $400K+/year, you should at a minimum help your kid attend that without debt (or at most the $27Kmax over 4 years). yes the kid can work a summer job and during breaks and earn $10K towards college and their spending in college. But why would you saddle them with more debt or make them take 6-8 years to get their degree while working?

Not prudent

My kids went the CC path and then Virginia Tech. Graduated at the top of their class at VT. Maybe they were smart kids.
I guess if your kids aren't that smart, maybe you should avoid that path.

[Anonymous]

Kids can just push you down flight of steps and pay for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP these old lessons you are teaching no longer benefit kids. While your child is slumming it at community college for 2 years, their peers have an established peer group and contacts with professors. Your child misses out on all the extra network building from study abroad as well as Greek membership if they are into it. Perhaps most importantly, your kid will be waiting tables or tending bar late night while their peers study for 4.0s and use their network for summer internships.

In sum, you are expected to use your $400k to help set your child up for success. Also realize your child may miss some early opportunities because they need to take a more miserable job (or multiple jobs) to service their loans.

My DS went to a CC and then transferred to Virginia Tech. He didn't qualify for financial aid. We paid for his tuition at the CC in full but we only paid half of his tuition for the 2 years at Virginia Tech. A loan was used to cover the other half. In state tuition is around 14k. He worked part-time and did some paid internships that helped pay for room and board, and some living expenses.
He graduated magna cum laude last year and got his first job at Amazon making over six figures.
He is not an exception. I have seen many kids with similar paths.

Do you what you think is good for your kids. But don't fool people into thinking that others who take a different paths will not succeed.

They may well succeed, but you also should also be prepared for the fact that your kids may want little to nothing to do with you in adulthood knowing you had ample resources to make their educational path easier and chose to be selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Living a small life is nothing to brag about. What are you planning to do with all the money you're accumulating? Swim in a vault of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck?

Thank you! Good afternoon laugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you’ve lined up long-term care.

Haven’t you? Don’t tell me your long-term care plan is to be dependent on your kids?
Poor kids. They deserve better.

ahahahaha. NP. The notion that anyone can successfully line up long-term care 40 years out is hilarious. even the federal government LTC program has been suspended since December. OP also somehow thinks that he will be able to retire in his 40s, so 15-20 years before medicare eligibility. Anyway, while many states have filial responsibility laws, Maryland does not. And even the states that do have those laws take into account parental lack of support/estrangement.

Even the most fiercely independent childless people I know need to lean on the goodwill of those around them as they get older; pure money does not solve the need for care and assistance. (and money usually means someone ends up getting fleeced, eventually.) Dependent doesn't have to mean that a child is expected to physically tend to an infirm or ailing or senile parent, but alienating ones children such that they wouldn't feel any need or want to even come visit you in the hospital after say a car accident seems highly likely in OPs case.

Personally, I do not expect my child to be my long-term care. I do expect to do everything I can to give them opportunities and educational support to launch an independent, caring, and successful child who hopefully will want to continue be a part of my life as they become an adult.

And sure, I went to college in the early 90s and paid my own way and promptly dropped out after a year because I was working three jobs to try and pay for it, and if you had asked me at the time I would have said that it was a formative and somewhat worthwhile experience because I only ended up about $5k in the hole and ended up having a successful career including paying cash for my degree later. But the financial landscape has greatly changed and with age I don't actually continue to think that literal hunger is the only way to instill an appreciation of the value of hard work or what things actually cost. If you've ended up with complacent and oblivious kids by the time they are 18, that would be a failure of your parenting. sudden "tough love" is not likely to improve either them or your relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 kids, we live in a 3 br townhouse in an exurb that has a 1400/mo mortgage, we send them to public school and we only save $2000 per year per kid for their college while having a 400k HHI. Rec soccer, cheap city summer camps. I don’t believe that you are morally obligated to financially strain yourself just to give your kids what society thinks is the ideal life. Our kids are very happy and don’t feel like they’re deprived from what I can tell.

OP, I wouldn’t do the same but I fully understand what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. Good parenting doesn’t mean throwing money into expensive activities for your kids. Money doesn’t buy happiness. Your kids can be happy and have a wonderful life without all of this, and it seems like they are happy.
Kids don’t need to go to elite colleges to succeed in life. Your plans don’t include paying for expensive colleges and this is totally fine.

-1

Huge difference between "paying $80K/year for elite colleges vs fully funding $40-50K/year for good state school/private school with some merit vs go to CC and figure it out from there you are on your own"

Providing an education is very different than funding expensive sports/activities.
Why have kids is you don't want to help with the basics? In 2023, helping fund college is part of the basics when you make$400K

Education is very important and helping fund college is definitely part of the basics. But that can be partly funding, that can be funding CC, etc..
Teaching your kids how to fish is more important than serving them the fish in a golden plate.

CC path is not that viable if you want engineering/CS. 2 years at CC would be half wasted---you'd have your Gen Eds and maybe the first year of Calc. Where I live the CC is not as rigorous as the first year of classes at StateU so you might get at most 1 year towards your Eng Degree. Therefore, starting at a 4 year would be more useful. Have the kid go to State school/private with some merit so it's only 40-50K/year. But if you make $400K+/year, you should at a minimum help your kid attend that without debt (or at most the $27Kmax over 4 years). yes the kid can work a summer job and during breaks and earn $10K towards college and their spending in college. But why would you saddle them with more debt or make them take 6-8 years to get their degree while working?

Not prudent

Is this a new thing?

I know engineers who earn 300k and upwards who went to CC for two years and a 4 year university for two years. All their credits transferred.

In my college days (14 years ago) Montgomery community College in Maryland had a lot of transfers to University of Maryland who didn't lose any credits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 kids, we live in a 3 br townhouse in an exurb that has a 1400/mo mortgage, we send them to public school and we only save $2000 per year per kid for their college while having a 400k HHI. Rec soccer, cheap city summer camps. I don’t believe that you are morally obligated to financially strain yourself just to give your kids what society thinks is the ideal life. Our kids are very happy and don’t feel like they’re deprived from what I can tell.

OP, I wouldn’t do the same but I fully understand what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. Good parenting doesn’t mean throwing money into expensive activities for your kids. Money doesn’t buy happiness. Your kids can be happy and have a wonderful life without all of this, and it seems like they are happy.
Kids don’t need to go to elite colleges to succeed in life. Your plans don’t include paying for expensive colleges and this is totally fine.

-1

Huge difference between "paying $80K/year for elite colleges vs fully funding $40-50K/year for good state school/private school with some merit vs go to CC and figure it out from there you are on your own"

Providing an education is very different than funding expensive sports/activities.
Why have kids is you don't want to help with the basics? In 2023, helping fund college is part of the basics when you make$400K

Education is very important and helping fund college is definitely part of the basics. But that can be partly funding, that can be funding CC, etc..
Teaching your kids how to fish is more important than serving them the fish in a golden plate.

CC path is not that viable if you want engineering/CS. 2 years at CC would be half wasted---you'd have your Gen Eds and maybe the first year of Calc. Where I live the CC is not as rigorous as the first year of classes at StateU so you might get at most 1 year towards your Eng Degree. Therefore, starting at a 4 year would be more useful. Have the kid go to State school/private with some merit so it's only 40-50K/year. But if you make $400K+/year, you should at a minimum help your kid attend that without debt (or at most the $27Kmax over 4 years). yes the kid can work a summer job and during breaks and earn $10K towards college and their spending in college. But why would you saddle them with more debt or make them take 6-8 years to get their degree while working?

Not prudent

Is this a new thing?

I know engineers who earn 300k and upwards who went to CC for two years and a 4 year university for two years. All their credits transferred.

In my college days (14 years ago) Montgomery community College in Maryland had a lot of transfers to University of Maryland who didn't lose any credits.

Please don't say this out loud. Some people here may look like fools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP these old lessons you are teaching no longer benefit kids. While your child is slumming it at community college for 2 years, their peers have an established peer group and contacts with professors. Your child misses out on all the extra network building from study abroad as well as Greek membership if they are into it. Perhaps most importantly, your kid will be waiting tables or tending bar late night while their peers study for 4.0s and use their network for summer internships.

In sum, you are expected to use your $400k to help set your child up for success. Also realize your child may miss some early opportunities because they need to take a more miserable job (or multiple jobs) to service their loans.

My DS went to a CC and then transferred to Virginia Tech. He didn't qualify for financial aid. We paid for his tuition at the CC in full but we only paid half of his tuition for the 2 years at Virginia Tech. A loan was used to cover the other half. In state tuition is around 14k. He worked part-time and did some paid internships that helped pay for room and board, and some living expenses.
He graduated magna cum laude last year and got his first job at Amazon making over six figures.
He is not an exception. I have seen many kids with similar paths.

Do you what you think is good for your kids. But don't fool people into thinking that others who take a different paths will not succeed.

They may well succeed, but you also should also be prepared for the fact that your kids may want little to nothing to do with you in adulthood knowing you had ample resources to make their educational path easier and chose to be selfish.

Maybe your kids will, but my kids and most kids that were not raised as entitled children won't.
My kids know from a very young age that even though we have money, we would give them the minimum to start their own life. They will need to forge their own path and work to build their own wealth. It worked for my grand-parents, it worked for my parents, it is working for me and my kids.
It may not work for you and your kids though. So don't do it. Do what works for you and let others do what works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP these old lessons you are teaching no longer benefit kids. While your child is slumming it at community college for 2 years, their peers have an established peer group and contacts with professors. Your child misses out on all the extra network building from study abroad as well as Greek membership if they are into it. Perhaps most importantly, your kid will be waiting tables or tending bar late night while their peers study for 4.0s and use their network for summer internships.

In sum, you are expected to use your $400k to help set your child up for success. Also realize your child may miss some early opportunities because they need to take a more miserable job (or multiple jobs) to service their loans.

My DS went to a CC and then transferred to Virginia Tech. He didn't qualify for financial aid. We paid for his tuition at the CC in full but we only paid half of his tuition for the 2 years at Virginia Tech. A loan was used to cover the other half. In state tuition is around 14k. He worked part-time and did some paid internships that helped pay for room and board, and some living expenses.
He graduated magna cum laude last year and got his first job at Amazon making over six figures.
He is not an exception. I have seen many kids with similar paths.

Do you what you think is good for your kids. But don't fool people into thinking that others who take a different paths will not succeed.

They may well succeed, but you also should also be prepared for the fact that your kids may want little to nothing to do with you in adulthood knowing you had ample resources to make their educational path easier and chose to be selfish.

Maybe your kids will, but my kids and most kids that were not raised as entitled children won't.
My kids know from a very young age that even though we have money, we would give them the minimum to start their own life. They will need to forge their own path and work to build their own wealth. It worked for my grand-parents, it worked for my parents, it is working for me and my kids.
It may not work for you and your kids though. So don't do it. Do what works for you and let others do what works for them.

The minimum has changed quite drastically. Earning a high income but not providing substantial support for college just teaches your child how to get hustled and scammed by banks when you are poor. I sure wouldn't teach a life lesson to my children by racking them with high-interest private loans for undergrad. Meanwhile their social peers graduate debt free and move into nice neighborhoods.

[Anonymous]

What is the premise here?

Does OP want some kind of prize for deciding to live an incredibly mid life? There are no prizes for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP these old lessons you are teaching no longer benefit kids. While your child is slumming it at community college for 2 years, their peers have an established peer group and contacts with professors. Your child misses out on all the extra network building from study abroad as well as Greek membership if they are into it. Perhaps most importantly, your kid will be waiting tables or tending bar late night while their peers study for 4.0s and use their network for summer internships.

In sum, you are expected to use your $400k to help set your child up for success. Also realize your child may miss some early opportunities because they need to take a more miserable job (or multiple jobs) to service their loans.

My DS went to a CC and then transferred to Virginia Tech. He didn't qualify for financial aid. We paid for his tuition at the CC in full but we only paid half of his tuition for the 2 years at Virginia Tech. A loan was used to cover the other half. In state tuition is around 14k. He worked part-time and did some paid internships that helped pay for room and board, and some living expenses.
He graduated magna cum laude last year and got his first job at Amazon making over six figures.
He is not an exception. I have seen many kids with similar paths.

Do you what you think is good for your kids. But don't fool people into thinking that others who take a different paths will not succeed.

They may well succeed, but you also should also be prepared for the fact that your kids may want little to nothing to do with you in adulthood knowing you had ample resources to make their educational path easier and chose to be selfish.

Maybe your kids will, but my kids and most kids that were not raised as entitled children won't.
My kids know from a very young age that even though we have money, we would give them the minimum to start their own life. They will need to forge their own path and work to build their own wealth. It worked for my grand-parents, it worked for my parents, it is working for me and my kids.
It may not work for you and your kids though. So don't do it. Do what works for you and let others do what works for them.

The minimum has changed quite drastically. Earning a high income but not providing substantial support for college just teaches your child how to get hustled and scammed by banks when you are poor. I sure wouldn't teach a life lesson to my children by racking them with high-interest private loans for undergrad. Meanwhile their social peers graduate debt free and move into nice neighborhoods.

The minimum has not changed drastically. People who are smart, work both smart and hard have always succeeded. This was true yesterday, it is true today and will be true tomorrow. I live in a nicer neighborhoods than my social peers even though they went to private colleges and had no student loans. Try a different excuse, this one doesn't hold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP these old lessons you are teaching no longer benefit kids. While your child is slumming it at community college for 2 years, their peers have an established peer group and contacts with professors. Your child misses out on all the extra network building from study abroad as well as Greek membership if they are into it. Perhaps most importantly, your kid will be waiting tables or tending bar late night while their peers study for 4.0s and use their network for summer internships.

In sum, you are expected to use your $400k to help set your child up for success. Also realize your child may miss some early opportunities because they need to take a more miserable job (or multiple jobs) to service their loans.

My DS went to a CC and then transferred to Virginia Tech. He didn't qualify for financial aid. We paid for his tuition at the CC in full but we only paid half of his tuition for the 2 years at Virginia Tech. A loan was used to cover the other half. In state tuition is around 14k. He worked part-time and did some paid internships that helped pay for room and board, and some living expenses.
He graduated magna cum laude last year and got his first job at Amazon making over six figures.
He is not an exception. I have seen many kids with similar paths.

Do you what you think is good for your kids. But don't fool people into thinking that others who take a different paths will not succeed.

They may well succeed, but you also should also be prepared for the fact that your kids may want little to nothing to do with you in adulthood knowing you had ample resources to make their educational path easier and chose to be selfish.

Maybe your kids will, but my kids and most kids that were not raised as entitled children won't.
My kids know from a very young age that even though we have money, we would give them the minimum to start their own life. They will need to forge their own path and work to build their own wealth. It worked for my grand-parents, it worked for my parents, it is working for me and my kids.
It may not work for you and your kids though. So don't do it. Do what works for you and let others do what works for them.

The minimum has changed quite drastically. Earning a high income but not providing substantial support for college just teaches your child how to get hustled and scammed by banks when you are poor. I sure wouldn't teach a life lesson to my children by racking them with high-interest private loans for undergrad. Meanwhile their social peers graduate debt free and move into nice neighborhoods.

The minimum has not changed drastically. People who are smart, work both smart and hard have always succeeded. This was true yesterday, it is true today and will be true tomorrow. I live in a nicer neighborhoods than my social peers even though they went to private colleges and had no student loans. Try a different excuse, this one doesn't hold.

So what if you end up with a kid who is not "smart"? Do you make different plans for them or do you assume that they are not as hardworking as your other children?