SAHM's, What do you do all day?

[Anonymous]

I think you guys care too much what everyone else thinks.

I am the sheep in wolves clothings walking both sides on a daily basis. I am a wahm with very flexible hours...so much so sahms think I am one of them since they see me all of the time and I am always a volunteer at the school...and then on the occasion I did to go into the office and I am out in my 'work clothes' the working moms think I am one of them. I do hear remarks from each sides about what they think 'about those doing the opposite'. It cracks me up. It is like I am a spy. I also will get nasty looks when I am in the grocery store in the middle of the day in workout gear....and, like another noted, I get the same when I am in 'work' clothes when I stop by the park.

The moms I seem to get along with the most have no bias and, like me, can happily see benefits to both sides of the coin. I find it's the moms that aren't comfortable in their own skin or that unfortunately don't want to be in the role that they are living that are the ones that get involved in the flame wars.

[Anonymous]

PP, you just described me, except without kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys care too much what everyone else thinks.

I am the sheep in wolves clothings walking both sides on a daily basis. I am a wahm with very flexible hours...so much so sahms think I am one of them since they see me all of the time and I am always a volunteer at the school...and then on the occasion I did to go into the office and I am out in my 'work clothes' the working moms think I am one of them. I do hear remarks from each sides about what they think 'about those doing the opposite'. It cracks me up. It is like I am a spy. I also will get nasty looks when I am in the grocery store in the middle of the day in workout gear....and, like another noted, I get the same when I am in 'work' clothes when I stop by the park.

The moms I seem to get along with the most have no bias and, like me, can happily see benefits to both sides of the coin. I find it's the moms that aren't comfortable in their own skin or that unfortunately don't want to be in the role that they are living that are the ones that get involved in the flame wars.

Honestly, I've been on both sides for years each and it just doesn't come up, at least as a generalization like this. I really can't ever remember bashing or talking about "the other side." Clearly I've talked to both working moms and stay at home moms about challenges, the positives and negatives, etc., but it's never like I have engaged in a bashing session in real life. It's been more individual, not generalizations about stay at homes or working moms, because each families circumstances are so different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was obnoxious about her last paragraph? That she painted herself as a benevolent super woman who deigns to lower herself to offer a helping hand to all the poor, stupid SAHMs who can't keep it together. Come on.

Yes, that was the obnoxious part. And no, I'm not insecure! But it was still obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

To those of you so happy that you have time to enjoy your life when your kids are in school, I think that's great and all, but do your husbands also have the same opportunities? Or are they working like dogs so you can lie on the couch and watch the Today show? I work a flexible schedule (I drop off and pick up my kids from school every day), and my husband has a job that gives him a great deal of flexibility also. Because we both make good money, we can have someone clean and do laundry, which means neither of us has to do it. We BOTH cook and take care of our kids, and we both get to spend time doing things we like on our own. It's called a partnership. I really would feel terrible if I was enjoying taking life easy while my husband was slogging away at work. And he wouldn't go for it either. And the other thing I wonder is: are you all saving for college? I for one could never imagine having my kids take out loans for college so I could stay home. And I don't plan to retire poor either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those of you so happy that you have time to enjoy your life when your kids are in school, I think that's great and all, but do your husbands also have the same opportunities? Or are they working like dogs so you can lie on the couch and watch the Today show? I work a flexible schedule (I drop off and pick up my kids from school every day), and my husband has a job that gives him a great deal of flexibility also. Because we both make good money, we can have someone clean and do laundry, which means neither of us has to do it. We BOTH cook and take care of our kids, and we both get to spend time doing things we like on our own. It's called a partnership. I really would feel terrible if I was enjoying taking life easy while my husband was slogging away at work. And he wouldn't go for it either. And the other thing I wonder is: are you all saving for college? I for one could never imagine having my kids take out loans for college so I could stay home. And I don't plan to retire poor either.

My husband is very supportive of me being at home. We discussed it before we were married and again before we had children and made our decisions accordingly. Luckily, my husband loves his job; it would be hard to enjoy staying at home if I thought he was miserable at work. Thankfully that is not the case. We have a very happy partnership and we both feel it's equal.

And yes, we are saving for college, and for retirement.

Obviously, if your husband would resent it and you can't afford it, you shouldn't do it. No one's arguing otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Um, I'm a WOHM of a 6-month old, and I totally get what I would do. It would be a LOT of errands, house-cleaning, etc. I have lots of respect for women who do this because I have an excuse for the fact that my house is a mess and the grass is long, but they make it happen while navigating kids and being patient, fun, etc. Bigger women than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those of you so happy that you have time to enjoy your life when your kids are in school, I think that's great and all, but do your husbands also have the same opportunities? Or are they working like dogs so you can lie on the couch and watch the Today show? I work a flexible schedule (I drop off and pick up my kids from school every day), and my husband has a job that gives him a great deal of flexibility also. Because we both make good money, we can have someone clean and do laundry, which means neither of us has to do it. We BOTH cook and take care of our kids, and we both get to spend time doing things we like on our own. It's called a partnership. I really would feel terrible if I was enjoying taking life easy while my husband was slogging away at work. And he wouldn't go for it either. And the other thing I wonder is: are you all saving for college? I for one could never imagine having my kids take out loans for college so I could stay home. And I don't plan to retire poor either.

Bitter much? Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those of you so happy that you have time to enjoy your life when your kids are in school, I think that's great and all, but do your husbands also have the same opportunities? Or are they working like dogs so you can lie on the couch and watch the Today show? I work a flexible schedule (I drop off and pick up my kids from school every day), and my husband has a job that gives him a great deal of flexibility also. Because we both make good money, we can have someone clean and do laundry, which means neither of us has to do it. We BOTH cook and take care of our kids, and we both get to spend time doing things we like on our own. It's called a partnership. I really would feel terrible if I was enjoying taking life easy while my husband was slogging away at work. And he wouldn't go for it either. And the other thing I wonder is: are you all saving for college? I for one could never imagine having my kids take out loans for college so I could stay home. And I don't plan to retire poor either.

Unfortunately though, not everyone has the black and white options. We are the same as you - I work a reduced schedule and my husband has a very flexible schedule and doesn't work long hours. We make about the same. Both of our incomes let us have a pretty comfortable life and we are able to outsource housekeeping, etc., but living on one income would be really tough.

That said, some people have demanding jobs and they may make good money. Heads/higher ups of companies, lawyers or others who bill hours, etc., the very nature of their job requires long hours, events, travel, etc. If my husband had a job like that and made good money, it would make more sense for me to stay home since he wouldn't have time to share the stuff we share now.

For me, I am personally fortunate we are in the two income/with flexibility and reasonable hours camp. I am grateful to keep my foot in the working world, earn some money, and have a DH who is home by 5:30 etc., but not everyone can have this so I totally understand why it would make more sense for someone to stay home if the other person was in a demanding career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was obnoxious about her last paragraph? That she painted herself as a benevolent super woman who deigns to lower herself to offer a helping hand to all the poor, stupid SAHMs who can't keep it together. Come on.

I didn't read it that way - I just read that she isn't some horrible, neglectful person just because she works. She pitches in to help people when they need a hand, even if its not recognized.

Is there *anything* on her list of examples of people who occasionally require help that doesn't apply to both WOHMs and SAHMs? Does anyone actually think WOHMs can magically open doors without their hands, never dig frantically through their bags, never get rushed out of the bathroom, and never has a child stand outside their bathroom stalls? These are the minor annoyances that we all deal with, regardless of work status, race or class. Isn't helping someone else at least a small step towards bridging any of those gaps? I think she's trying to say that we shouldn't judge others so harshly, when maybe they're actually taking steps to support us in some small way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was obnoxious about her last paragraph? That she painted herself as a benevolent super woman who deigns to lower herself to offer a helping hand to all the poor, stupid SAHMs who can't keep it together. Come on.

I didn't read it that way - I just read that she isn't some horrible, neglectful person just because she works. She pitches in to help people when they need a hand, even if its not recognized.

Is there *anything* on her list of examples of people who occasionally require help that doesn't apply to both WOHMs and SAHMs? Does anyone actually think WOHMs can magically open doors without their hands, never dig frantically through their bags, never get rushed out of the bathroom, and never has a child stand outside their bathroom stalls? These are the minor annoyances that we all deal with, regardless of work status, race or class. Isn't helping someone else at least a small step towards bridging any of those gaps? I think she's trying to say that we shouldn't judge others so harshly, when maybe they're actually taking steps to support us in some small way.

I totally agree with you -- we've all been the helper mom and the helped mom in all of those examples, regardless of work status, no question. That's what made that PP sound so silly. She didn't couch it as you did, which is, "In real life, none of this matters, we're all in this together, we all help out moms of all kinds, and they all help me as well." That, I can get behind. Totally. I don't think that's where she was coming from. Her point was more "I'm not as mean as I sound, really, usually I don't begrudge you your helplessness."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those of you so happy that you have time to enjoy your life when your kids are in school, I think that's great and all, but do your husbands also have the same opportunities? Or are they working like dogs so you can lie on the couch and watch the Today show? I work a flexible schedule (I drop off and pick up my kids from school every day), and my husband has a job that gives him a great deal of flexibility also. Because we both make good money, we can have someone clean and do laundry, which means neither of us has to do it. We BOTH cook and take care of our kids, and we both get to spend time doing things we like on our own. It's called a partnership. I really would feel terrible if I was enjoying taking life easy while my husband was slogging away at work. And he wouldn't go for it either. And the other thing I wonder is: are you all saving for college? I for one could never imagine having my kids take out loans for college so I could stay home. And I don't plan to retire poor either.

My DH travels 6 months out of the year and while he constantly misses us, he loves his job. I am staying at home, which is my choice and what I want to do so that I have time to take care of everything and not be flustered, resentful and overwhelmed. He appreciates what I do and doesn't resent me getting my nails done while the 3 year old is at preschool. In fact, he believes I deserve it. I love him and am happy he's living his dream doing a job he loves. When his work schedule slows down in 2 years, I plan to go back to work and get a second master's degree.
It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Full-time working mom here,

This is what I imagine SAHMs probably do - not yell at their children to hurry up to get to before care, not rush to school at the end of a 10 hr day for their kids and put them in the car to get home to some ready in 5 minute dinner, not stay up all night organizing the kitchen, bookbages, family taxes, bills, etc, only to repeat the same every day. They probably listen to their kids intently, probably attend functions without checking their bbs, probably (may not though) care about her husband and how he is. SAHMs probably don't feel desperate and out of control when childcare falls apart and/or when their child is sick. They may be like my own mom, a little bored, but the rock that keeps a family together. There is no perfect solution. This poster is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys care too much what everyone else thinks.

I am the sheep in wolves clothings walking both sides on a daily basis. I am a wahm with very flexible hours...so much so sahms think I am one of them since they see me all of the time and I am always a volunteer at the school...and then on the occasion I did to go into the office and I am out in my 'work clothes' the working moms think I am one of them. I do hear remarks from each sides about what they think 'about those doing the opposite'. It cracks me up. It is like I am a spy. I also will get nasty looks when I am in the grocery store in the middle of the day in workout gear....and, like another noted, I get the same when I am in 'work' clothes when I stop by the park.

The moms I seem to get along with the most have no bias and, like me, can happily see benefits to both sides of the coin. I find it's the moms that aren't comfortable in their own skin or that unfortunately don't want to be in the role that they are living that are the ones that get involved in the flame wars.

From whom? Not from me (us) , I'm (we're) in my office in a suit. Why would they SAHMs, who are presumably also there in their workout clothes, give you dirty looks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys care too much what everyone else thinks.

I am the sheep in wolves clothings walking both sides on a daily basis. I am a wahm with very flexible hours...so much so sahms think I am one of them since they see me all of the time and I am always a volunteer at the school...and then on the occasion I did to go into the office and I am out in my 'work clothes' the working moms think I am one of them. I do hear remarks from each sides about what they think 'about those doing the opposite'. It cracks me up. It is like I am a spy. I also will get nasty looks when I am in the grocery store in the middle of the day in workout gear....and, like another noted, I get the same when I am in 'work' clothes when I stop by the park.

The moms I seem to get along with the most have no bias and, like me, can happily see benefits to both sides of the coin. I find it's the moms that aren't comfortable in their own skin or that unfortunately don't want to be in the role that they are living that are the ones that get involved in the flame wars.

From whom? Not from me (us) , I'm (we're) in my office in a suit. Why would they SAHMs, who are presumably also there in their workout clothes, give you dirty looks?

I think this post must be a joke, or this person is really paranoid. I mean who gives a shit in real life whether someone works or stays home. Sure it may come up in casual conversation among friends but I can't imagine a stranger in a grocery store is seriously contemplating it. I don't work on Fridays and often go the grocery store with my toddler in the morning (in yoga pants and sneakers no less) so I can grab a few things for the weekend while also grabbinb a Starbucks drink (because in the year 2010 these things are conveniently located in the same building!) and I don't feel the need to broadcast to the store: "working mom here! Just off on Fridays! Great balance I have!"

Frankly no one gives a crap.