SAHM's, What do you do all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those of you so happy that you have time to enjoy your life when your kids are in school, I think that's great and all, but do your husbands also have the same opportunities? Or are they working like dogs so you can lie on the couch and watch the Today show?

I'm the poster who said I enjoy errands... I take my time, and like to live that way. My husband and I have both decided that the frantic life (which we once lived) just doesn't suit our family. So yes, he's pretty happy with the set up he has here -- but no, I wouldn't call it him working like a dog and me sitting on the couch watching the Today show.

It's called a partnership -- I take care of the household stuff and try to get it done during the week. I also take care of all the kids stuff. He doesn't have to stay home if a child is sick or needs to get to the doctors for a checkup. Of course he takes off time for school conferences and some plays and daytime events; but taking time off that was unplanned is very hard in his job, so it is a relief to him not to be the one on call for these things.

Weekends we don't do chores or errands or anything of that nature. We just relax. He gets to watch plenty of sports and plays golf on the weekends; we do some kid events or go for a hike, but we don't have to go to Costco to do a big stock up or prep meals for the week on a Sunday. Or do 6 loads of laundry.

This is just the way we like it. I do talk about going back to work and how our lives will change when that happens -- to be honest he isn't looking forward to it and tells me we have enough money as it is. (HHI of about $100K) But I want to work, I loved my job;. I'm just a bit nervous about having to have a more hectic, rushed lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I work a flexible schedule (I drop off and pick up my kids from school every day), and my husband has a job that gives him a great deal of flexibility also. Because we both make good money, we can have someone clean and do laundry, which means neither of us has to do it.

The flexible schedule plus earning a lot of money really puts you guys in a very different category than I am in. If I had your set up, I'd probably much rather work than be a SAHM. The flexibility is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys care too much what everyone else thinks.

I am the sheep in wolves clothings walking both sides on a daily basis. I am a wahm with very flexible hours...so much so sahms think I am one of them since they see me all of the time and I am always a volunteer at the school...and then on the occasion I did to go into the office and I am out in my 'work clothes' the working moms think I am one of them. I do hear remarks from each sides about what they think 'about those doing the opposite'. It cracks me up. It is like I am a spy. I also will get nasty looks when I am in the grocery store in the middle of the day in workout gear....and, like another noted, I get the same when I am in 'work' clothes when I stop by the park.

The moms I seem to get along with the most have no bias and, like me, can happily see benefits to both sides of the coin. I find it's the moms that aren't comfortable in their own skin or that unfortunately don't want to be in the role that they are living that are the ones that get involved in the flame wars.

From whom? Not from me (us) , I'm (we're) in my office in a suit. Why would they SAHMs, who are presumably also there in their workout clothes, give you dirty looks?

I think this post must be a joke, or this person is really paranoid. I mean who gives a shit in real life whether someone works or stays home. Sure it may come up in casual conversation among friends but I can't imagine a stranger in a grocery store is seriously contemplating it. I don't work on Fridays and often go the grocery store with my toddler in the morning (in yoga pants and sneakers no less) so I can grab a few things for the weekend while also grabbinb a Starbucks drink (because in the year 2010 these things are conveniently located in the same building!) and I don't feel the need to broadcast to the store: "working mom here! Just off on Fridays! Great balance I have!"

Frankly no one gives a crap.

Amen. I work but I'm usually too frantic in the grocery store to notice who is wearing what. Same for the park. I certainly don't give a shit.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, some of these posts sound like they are straight out of the 1950's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, some of these posts sound like they are straight out of the 1950's.

Why??

[Anonymous]

When my daughter was born I was 38. Stayed at home for 4 months and thought I'd lose my mind even though my husband travelled at least a third of the year and my daughter always seemed to get sick when he left on a trip. Going back to work was actually easier and more agreeable than staying at home. At least I got a lunch hour.

The demographic on this board obviously skews young. Wait until you're in your mid-fifties and you try to combine work with the activities of a teenager. Sports practices in the summer at private schools run from 10 - 12 and then again from 4-6. Many weekend practices too. Then there's the non-sports activities and getting together with friends. Try squeezing all these things in and taking conference calls from the car or while you're waiting in carpool. I never thought it would be me but when I was 55 and we had the money for me to stay at home I jumped. Much better quality of life when you don't have the energy of a 30 year-old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I have yet to meet a SAHM whose day isn't mostly made up of errands. I talk to my friends all the time and their "busiest" day is characterized by ERRANDS that i usually can fit in a weekend morning and be done with it. You dont need all week to get groceries, do laundry and cook dinner. So yes, I am judgemental of people whose lives consist of that. However, I acknowledge that many moms who chose to stay at home do so much more than pick up dry cleaning and cook meals. And even if they didn't and just did errands, if they were HAPPY, then that's fine too.

I bet you're describing friends who have kids in pre-school or no school. Typical pre-school is 5-8 hours per week. So yes, you're life feels like you're running to fit all the errands that you'd prefer not to take your children along for. I spend the bulk of every day caring for my kids. When both kids are in elementary school the errends will occupy a much lower percentage of my child-free time. I SAH now after working until my oldest was in Kindergarden. My working friends constantly "forget" that my 3 year old is only in school 2.5 hours per day 3 times/week. So I spend that time exercising and running errands (I also squeeze in a lot of volunteer work and some paid contract work).

[Anonymous]

Geez, women really are their own worst enemies, right?

Do you remember who you were before you were a mom? How you looked at the world? Try to go back to college, or high school, and to the days before you judged others who weren't exactly like you.

Didn't you take for granted that there were lots of different people in the world? Weren't some people shy, some outgoing? Some people organized and other spontaneous? Some were morning people, some night owls? Some creative and others business minded? Messy vs. clean?

With so many different types of people on the planet, who on earth do we suddenly get sucked into a funnel when we become mothers and all have to live up to the same ideal of the ALL PERFECT MOTHER?

It is this ideal that is the true enemy of all mothers. The ALL PERFECT MOTHER ideal that has somehow crept into a woman's head after she becomes a mom, always there as a comparison for what we are doing right and what we are doing wrong. This ideal is spun together from memories of her own mother (good and bad), her own research, society's expectations, etc. And if someone doesn't live up to the ALL PERFECT MOTHER ideal, then they must be WRONG and should be judged, judged, judged.

Why don't we all go back in time to when we were allowed to be different and unique. Where we accepted that not everyone had to be just like us. Really, the world would be such a better place if mothers could just support and empathize and stop with the attacks on people who are different from you and your IDEAL PERFECT MOTHER.

Because, if dear God, mothers can't support one another---how on earth with the rest of society and the government ever value us, either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez, women really are their own worst enemies, right?

You seem a little wound up!

I don't read this thread and see a lot of moms attacking each other.

I see MOST moms saying that they are doing what works for them, and a few people butting in with obnoxious comments. But they are easy to ignore in real life, anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full-time working mom here,

This is what I imagine SAHMs probably do - not yell at their children to hurry up to get to before care, not rush to school at the end of a 10 hr day for their kids and put them in the car to get home to some ready in 5 minute dinner, not stay up all night organizing the kitchen, bookbages, family taxes, bills, etc, only to repeat the same every day. They probably listen to their kids intently, probably attend functions without checking their bbs, probably (may not though) care about her husband and how he is. SAHMs probably don't feel desperate and out of control when childcare falls apart and/or when their child is sick. They may be like my own mom, a little bored, but the rock that keeps a family together. There is no perfect solution. This poster is ridiculous.

In my case, you are absolutely correct! You described my life to a tee. I was a full-time working mom until I was laid off 3 months ago and am now staying home for a while. I have found that I am a lot less frantic with my kids - as you say, I was always yelling to get them out of the door in the morning and evenings were a mess. All of us were always cranky and short-tempered and dinner was whatever could be microwaved the fastest. And yes, it is nice to attend to school functions without guilt. I am still working on listening to them more intently...in any event, you are correct, staying at home is not perfect and there are downsides (like where is my career going to go??) but it does make for a smoother family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full-time working mom here,

This is what I imagine SAHMs probably do - not yell at their children to hurry up to get to before care, not rush to school at the end of a 10 hr day for their kids and put them in the car to get home to some ready in 5 minute dinner, not stay up all night organizing the kitchen, bookbages, family taxes, bills, etc, only to repeat the same every day. They probably listen to their kids intently, probably attend functions without checking their bbs, probably (may not though) care about her husband and how he is. SAHMs probably don't feel desperate and out of control when childcare falls apart and/or when their child is sick. They may be like my own mom, a little bored, but the rock that keeps a family together. There is no perfect solution. This poster is ridiculous.

LOL! The SAHMs I know are fat slobs who watch "stories", The View, Dr. Phil, and Oprah!

[Anonymous]

Am I the only mom here that had DH offer "do you want to be a SAHM once our baby is born?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only mom here that had DH offer "do you want to be a SAHM once our baby is born?"

I'm sure there are many husbands who wouldn't mind or would prefer having their wife stay home. Hell, who wouldn't want a SAHM running the house? I would (I'm a WM). My mom lives not too far away and she is back up care when our toddler is sick, she stays with us when my husband travels which makes my life so much easier, she regularly brings us a freezer full of healthy, homemade meals, and she often comes with a car full of diapers, wipes, paper towels, and other nonperishable items she can click coupons for since she says to me, "you work, you don't have time for this!" We joke that she is our SAHM.

But many in this area can't afford to be a one income family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only mom here that had DH offer "do you want to be a SAHM once our baby is born?"

I'm sure there are many husbands who wouldn't mind or would prefer having their wife stay home. Hell, who wouldn't want a SAHM running the house? I would (I'm a WM). My mom lives not too far away and she is back up care when our toddler is sick, she stays with us when my husband travels which makes my life so much easier, she regularly brings us a freezer full of healthy, homemade meals, and she often comes with a car full of diapers, wipes, paper towels, and other nonperishable items she can click coupons for since she says to me, "you work, you don't have time for this!" We joke that she is our SAHM.

But many in this area can't afford to be a one income family.

I just posted this and before anyone comes on and talks about choices and learning to sacrifice, I should say not everyone can afford to be a one income family, and not everyone would want to live on the one income their DH makes. Of course we could live on DH's 85K salary, but given that I make a nice income and have quite a bit of flexiblity and reasonable hours, we prefer to live on double that and have extra in savings, college funds, and retirement. Our income also lets us live pretty close in, buy organic foods we want to buy, have a housekeeper once a month, etc. Yes, we could live without those things but we like the cushion my income provides.

[Anonymous]

They volunteer like crazy. Or they have the kinds of personalities where they are not driven to fill every minute. Socialize a lot, help other moms out with their kids.

My mom SAH the entire time we were growing up. She shopped a lot and read a lot.