Is it weird to ask to wear protection?

[Anonymous]

Ew. While dating, I'd never have sex with a man without a condom. Even MORE so if he has an attitude. God knows where he's stuck that thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will not have sex with a guy if he can't show me a most recent STD test panel that is negative AND he needs to use a condom. My gynecologist told me that she has lots of patients in my age range (mid 40's to early 50's) that are divorced/single and come in with STD's. I have lived my entire life without an STD and I'm not about to start now. [b]I would rather not have sex.

The most prevalent STIs are easily cured. HIV and HSV are easily managed.

I can't imagine going without sex but you do you.

Yikes. I'd rather not get either of those. Managed? You might be taking medications for life if you get one or both of those. And infecting others. And having to disclose it at the dentist's office. Why would I risk that? No thank you.[/b]

Copied the above exchange because the new thing here of collapsing previous replies in a thread strips away context.

The last respondent above is right. It's so incredibly cavalier to just shrug and say, oh, STIs are curable and HIV etc. can be "managed." Not always, not for everyone, and that attitude that "it's no big deal now" comes with the assumption that one is going to be just fine even with an STD. Not to mention the utter selfishness of thinking it's manageable to have an STD yourself, with zero consideration for your passing it on to someone else. And if a person won't ask others for their STD status and won't use a condom, well, that person also is not going to be likely to disclose to a sex partner, "Hey, by the way, I have an STD but don't worry, it's manageable!"

I am not sure there is any evidence that HIV can be transmitted through oral sex, and it is incredibly rarely transmitted through PIV. Even if your partner has it, it is nearly impossible to transmit through PIV, and it is incredibly rare generally, and especially among heterosexual people. You are innumerate if you are living your life avoiding sex because of that concern.

As to HSV, that is very common, almost to the point that you or your partners might have it without knowing it. Most STI panels do not even test for it. And it is very hard to spread without an active infection, and condoms don't necessarily prevent the spread! And of course, you don't have to disclose HSV to the dentist, and you don't have to take medication for the rest of your life to manage it.

It is always amazing to me how unaware people are of the actual risks and the lengths to which people will go to avoid them.

You don't have to disclose HSV, but you do have do disclose HIV. And once you have HIV you take meds for life to maintain it. That is expensive and annoying. And HSV comes out at times of high stress - and you might have to take meds. You might be uncomfortable. You might be in pain. You might not, too, but we cant' tell what the future holds. Why put yourself at risk when condoms and testing for a few months is easy and lowers your risk. Nothing is 100%, I hear you, but I also don't drive without a seatbelt because it isn't 100%. I don't bike without a helmet because it isn't 100%. I don't not wash my hands after using the restroom because it might not be 100%. I could go on, but I hope you get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will not have sex with a guy if he can't show me a most recent STD test panel that is negative AND he needs to use a condom. My gynecologist told me that she has lots of patients in my age range (mid 40's to early 50's) that are divorced/single and come in with STD's. I have lived my entire life without an STD and I'm not about to start now. [b]I would rather not have sex.

The most prevalent STIs are easily cured. HIV and HSV are easily managed.

I can't imagine going without sex but you do you.

Yikes. I'd rather not get either of those. Managed? You might be taking medications for life if you get one or both of those. And infecting others. And having to disclose it at the dentist's office. Why would I risk that? No thank you.[/b]

Copied the above exchange because the new thing here of collapsing previous replies in a thread strips away context.

The last respondent above is right. It's so incredibly cavalier to just shrug and say, oh, STIs are curable and HIV etc. can be "managed." Not always, not for everyone, and that attitude that "it's no big deal now" comes with the assumption that one is going to be just fine even with an STD. Not to mention the utter selfishness of thinking it's manageable to have an STD yourself, with zero consideration for your passing it on to someone else. And if a person won't ask others for their STD status and won't use a condom, well, that person also is not going to be likely to disclose to a sex partner, "Hey, by the way, I have an STD but don't worry, it's manageable!"

I am not sure there is any evidence that HIV can be transmitted through oral sex, and it is incredibly rarely transmitted through PIV. Even if your partner has it, it is nearly impossible to transmit through PIV, and it is incredibly rare generally, and especially among heterosexual people. You are innumerate if you are living your life avoiding sex because of that concern.

As to HSV, that is very common, almost to the point that you or your partners might have it without knowing it. Most STI panels do not even test for it. And it is very hard to spread without an active infection, and condoms don't necessarily prevent the spread! And of course, you don't have to disclose HSV to the dentist, and you don't have to take medication for the rest of your life to manage it.

It is always amazing to me how unaware people are of the actual risks and the lengths to which people will go to avoid them.

You don't have to disclose HSV, but you do have do disclose HIV. And once you have HIV you take meds for life to maintain it. That is expensive and annoying. And HSV comes out at times of high stress - and you might have to take meds. You might be uncomfortable. You might be in pain. You might not, too, but we cant' tell what the future holds. Why put yourself at risk when condoms and testing for a few months is easy and lowers your risk. Nothing is 100%, I hear you, but I also don't drive without a seatbelt because it isn't 100%. I don't bike without a helmet because it isn't 100%. I don't not wash my hands after using the restroom because it might not be 100%. I could go on, but I hope you get it.

You do have to disclose HSV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will not have sex with a guy if he can't show me a most recent STD test panel that is negative AND he needs to use a condom. My gynecologist told me that she has lots of patients in my age range (mid 40's to early 50's) that are divorced/single and come in with STD's. I have lived my entire life without an STD and I'm not about to start now. [b]I would rather not have sex.

The most prevalent STIs are easily cured. HIV and HSV are easily managed.

I can't imagine going without sex but you do you.

Yikes. I'd rather not get either of those. Managed? You might be taking medications for life if you get one or both of those. And infecting others. And having to disclose it at the dentist's office. Why would I risk that? No thank you.[/b]

Copied the above exchange because the new thing here of collapsing previous replies in a thread strips away context.

The last respondent above is right. It's so incredibly cavalier to just shrug and say, oh, STIs are curable and HIV etc. can be "managed." Not always, not for everyone, and that attitude that "it's no big deal now" comes with the assumption that one is going to be just fine even with an STD. Not to mention the utter selfishness of thinking it's manageable to have an STD yourself, with zero consideration for your passing it on to someone else. And if a person won't ask others for their STD status and won't use a condom, well, that person also is not going to be likely to disclose to a sex partner, "Hey, by the way, I have an STD but don't worry, it's manageable!"

I am not sure there is any evidence that HIV can be transmitted through oral sex, and it is incredibly rarely transmitted through PIV. Even if your partner has it, it is nearly impossible to transmit through PIV, and it is incredibly rare generally, and especially among heterosexual people. You are innumerate if you are living your life avoiding sex because of that concern.

As to HSV, that is very common, almost to the point that you or your partners might have it without knowing it. Most STI panels do not even test for it. And it is very hard to spread without an active infection, and condoms don't necessarily prevent the spread! And of course, you don't have to disclose HSV to the dentist, and you don't have to take medication for the rest of your life to manage it.

It is always amazing to me how unaware people are of the actual risks and the lengths to which people will go to avoid them.

You don't have to disclose HSV, but you do have do disclose HIV. And once you have HIV you take meds for life to maintain it. That is expensive and annoying. And HSV comes out at times of high stress - and you might have to take meds. You might be uncomfortable. You might be in pain. You might not, too, but we cant' tell what the future holds. Why put yourself at risk when condoms and testing for a few months is easy and lowers your risk. Nothing is 100%, I hear you, but I also don't drive without a seatbelt because it isn't 100%. I don't bike without a helmet because it isn't 100%. I don't not wash my hands after using the restroom because it might not be 100%. I could go on, but I hope you get it.

You do have to disclose HSV

I think PP is talking about laws. Obviously common decency dictates the disclosing of any health concern, including dormant HSV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 40s single mom here. So one of the things that I’ve found while dating is that men don’t like to wear protection. Most of them will, but don’t like it. For a variety of reasons, I prefer to use condoms (even if I’m on the pill). I can’t really relax otherwise. I keep hearing some variation of “we can just get tested” or “you have trust issues” or “what’s the big deal.” It makes me feel like I’m the only woman asking for this. Am I being crazy?

OP, some men are hoping that you will get pregnant even while knowing that you are taking BC (and then they can credit themselves with having super-sperm) and some really do not care if they pass an STI to you. Some men also consider BC a 'woman's job' and beneath their male concerns a la 'it's not my responsibility; it's the woman's'.

A partner who is able to respect himself also respects you and also cares about how you feel. You and your partner, together, agree on what works for both individuals to be physically and emotionally comfortable together.

Skip the words, pay attention to the behaviors and then ask questions if the behaviors do not make sense to you, then trust your gut and bravely give yourself permission to stay or go on a situation by situation basis.

Thank you this is such good advice - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What? Not my experience at all. They bring their own, or are happy to use one if I ask. Who are these douche bags you’re dating?!

It is insane that women actually bang guys who insist on not wearing condoms. How dumb can you be?

[Anonymous]

Not if you value yourself or your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? Not my experience at all. They bring their own, or are happy to use one if I ask. Who are these douche bags you’re dating?!

It is insane that women actually bang guys who insist on not wearing condoms. How dumb can you be?

No condoms, no sex. No man ever turned it down because I said we’d need to use them.