I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

You work 60 hours a week and don’t even see your kid during the week. Why aren’t you adjusting your routine to involve being there more for your kid? [/quote-]

Op: I usually see my kid 3 days a week in addition to the weekend.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like her child is an accessory like a doll and she’s mad she has to actually do anything. She sounds like a child whining because she has to do chores. Please don’t have another kid. Maybe your kid not spending time with you is better for the kid. Your husband sounds like a great dad so at least he has one parent spends time with him and wants him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.

Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.

Op: Agree. Other than laundry and dishes and home repairs, all new work is child-related.

OP, half of those house chores are yours to do! That has nothing to do with the fact that you have a child. He is not responsible for all of the house chores simply because you work more hours than he does. That’s the thing I don’t think you quite get. Having a child didn’t release you from household chores.

Why are half of the chores hers? Because she's a woman? For millenia couples have agreed that men would work a big important job while doing less around the house while the woman did way more than. 50%. OP made the opposite deal with her DH: she'd have the big job and he'd pick up more baby and house stuff. It doesn't suddenly revert to 50/50 because he wants to guard his free time. No working parent with an infant feels like he gets enough free time. He needs to step up and do more. She's downing and he's protecting his free time. That's not the deal they struck.

No, he said he would be the primary caregiver. Which he is, except for the weekends when she asked for more hands on baby time. He did not say he would pick up the house stuff!

So he dumps 100% of the house stuff and child admin on her because he's tired from watching the baby? That is just a different 50/50, not him taking on more so she can keep her big job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.

Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.

Op: Agree. Other than laundry and dishes and home repairs, all new work is child-related.

OP, half of those house chores are yours to do! That has nothing to do with the fact that you have a child. He is not responsible for all of the house chores simply because you work more hours than he does. That’s the thing I don’t think you quite get. Having a child didn’t release you from household chores.

Why are half of the chores hers? Because she's a woman? For millenia couples have agreed that men would work a big important job while doing less around the house while the woman did way more than. 50%. OP made the opposite deal with her DH: she'd have the big job and he'd pick up more baby and house stuff. It doesn't suddenly revert to 50/50 because he wants to guard his free time. No working parent with an infant feels like he gets enough free time. He needs to step up and do more. She's downing and he's protecting his free time. That's not the deal they struck.

No, he said he would be the primary caregiver. Which he is, except for the weekends when she asked for more hands on baby time. He did not say he would pick up the house stuff!

So he dumps 100% of the house stuff and child admin on her because he's tired from watching the baby? That is just a different 50/50, not him taking on more so she can keep her big job.

No. She is in charge of half. As I said.

[Anonymous]

OP’s values her Job way more than her husband or her kid. Which is fine. Up to her. But her lack of ownership of her own values breathtaking. I can’t believe her husband will put up with it for much longer. And when he leaves, she will have to outsource more parenting duties anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP’s values her Job way more than her husband or her kid. Which is fine. Up to her. But her lack of ownership of her own values breathtaking. I can’t believe her husband will put up with it for much longer. And when he leaves, she will have to outsource more parenting duties anyway.

PP: And doesn’t her husband value his free time more than he values his wife’s sanity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.

Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.

Op: Agree. Other than laundry and dishes and home repairs, all new work is child-related.

OP, half of those house chores are yours to do! That has nothing to do with the fact that you have a child. He is not responsible for all of the house chores simply because you work more hours than he does. That’s the thing I don’t think you quite get. Having a child didn’t release you from household chores.

Why are half of the chores hers? Because she's a woman? For millenia couples have agreed that men would work a big important job while doing less around the house while the woman did way more than. 50%. OP made the opposite deal with her DH: she'd have the big job and he'd pick up more baby and house stuff. It doesn't suddenly revert to 50/50 because he wants to guard his free time. No working parent with an infant feels like he gets enough free time. He needs to step up and do more. She's downing and he's protecting his free time. That's not the deal they struck.

No, he said he would be the primary caregiver. Which he is, except for the weekends when she asked for more hands on baby time. He did not say he would pick up the house stuff!

So he dumps 100% of the house stuff and child admin on her because he's tired from watching the baby? That is just a different 50/50, not him taking on more so she can keep her big job.

No. She is in charge of half. As I said.

PP: Well it sounds like she’s doing close to 100% of what she cannot outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.

Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.

Op: Agree. Other than laundry and dishes and home repairs, all new work is child-related.

OP, half of those house chores are yours to do! That has nothing to do with the fact that you have a child. He is not responsible for all of the house chores simply because you work more hours than he does. That’s the thing I don’t think you quite get. Having a child didn’t release you from household chores.

Why are half of the chores hers? Because she's a woman? For millenia couples have agreed that men would work a big important job while doing less around the house while the woman did way more than. 50%. OP made the opposite deal with her DH: she'd have the big job and he'd pick up more baby and house stuff. It doesn't suddenly revert to 50/50 because he wants to guard his free time. No working parent with an infant feels like he gets enough free time. He needs to step up and do more. She's downing and he's protecting his free time. That's not the deal they struck.

No, he said he would be the primary caregiver. Which he is, except for the weekends when she asked for more hands on baby time. He did not say he would pick up the house stuff!

So he dumps 100% of the house stuff and child admin on her because he's tired from watching the baby? That is just a different 50/50, not him taking on more so she can keep her big job.

No. She is in charge of half. As I said.

PP: Well it sounds like she’s doing close to 100% of what she cannot outsource.

Read what she said. She was complaining about having to do the “remainder” of the house chores. That’s not 100 percent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s values her Job way more than her husband or her kid. Which is fine. Up to her. But her lack of ownership of her own values breathtaking. I can’t believe her husband will put up with it for much longer. And when he leaves, she will have to outsource more parenting duties anyway.

PP: And doesn’t her husband value his free time more than he values his wife’s sanity?

He is allowed to have free time. He would have more free time than his wife regardless of the child. He works fewer hours. It sounds like she is overstretched for a job that she enjoys - but that’s her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

Sounds like he is doing great. He is capable of reading in the morning, getting the baby to daycare on time (fed, dressed) and is teaching the baby to play independently to boot. What’s the issue here?

OP: He is indeed so much better than a lot of men. I agree. The problem is he said he would do more before we had the baby and I trusted he would keep his word when I chose this job. He said he would prepare stuff / cook for the baby, find a daycare, call the daycare, organize back up care, sign up the baby for activities. And now he does like 5% of that.

What does he say when you confront him with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

Sounds like he is doing great. He is capable of reading in the morning, getting the baby to daycare on time (fed, dressed) and is teaching the baby to play independently to boot. What’s the issue here?

OP: He is indeed so much better than a lot of men. I agree. The problem is he said he would do more before we had the baby and I trusted he would keep his word when I chose this job. He said he would prepare stuff / cook for the baby, find a daycare, call the daycare, organize back up care, sign up the baby for activities. And now he does like 5% of that.

What does he say when you confront him with this?

OP: He says he does more than his fair share, that what I do is insignificant compared to what he does, and that I should find ways to be more efficient at my job if I want more free time.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP but fathers can just not be like mothers when it comes to
Childcare. Yo need to downshift to maintain your marriage and raise that child properly. There’s few men who are willing to really be the primary caregiver unless the woman really is a hotshot.you just need to come to terms with that and will feel better and will have more free time n

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar position pre kids. My husband also said we would be equal caregivers.

He was well intentioned but I knew life might have other plans.

I deliberately decided to take a step back / while still working full time but never more than 40 hours a week, to avoid exactly what you’re taking about.

Now I still have a job though he clearly has the big career in our family. He does some childcare but I manage all household chores and most of the childcare.

I also have free time, meet my friends for dinne, exercise regularly, I’m not too rites for sex, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

Sounds like he is doing great. He is capable of reading in the morning, getting the baby to daycare on time (fed, dressed) and is teaching the baby to play independently to boot. What’s the issue here?

OP: He is indeed so much better than a lot of men. I agree. The problem is he said he would do more before we had the baby and I trusted he would keep his word when I chose this job. He said he would prepare stuff / cook for the baby, find a daycare, call the daycare, organize back up care, sign up the baby for activities. And now he does like 5% of that.

What does he say when you confront him with this?

OP: He says he does more than his fair share, that what I do is insignificant compared to what he does, and that I should find ways to be more efficient at my job if I want more free time.

DP. Your husband is right!

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re unlikely to find a better man. He’s not perfect but does more than most men I know. Accept that.