I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP on not having more kids. It does not get easier with more. It gets way harder. And, what I’ve seen is husbands who get burned out and who get LESS helpful as time wears on, not more helpful. And, less helpful with more kids, not more helpful with more kids. Definitely do not have more kids.

Op agree. He was more helpful when the baby was an infant. Then the novelty wore off.

That’s rich. Sounds like you only like your kid when you can show him off. You do nothing for your child and act like you’re mother of the year for making him breakfast and spending weekends with him. This is beyond pathetic and it’s sad you really think you’re some kind of victim here.

[Anonymous]

OP’s husband sounds like saint for doing everything he does while still tolerating OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to see what happened if a man wrote this about his wife.

You're awful, OP, you need to hire out help. He's working a full time job and you expect him to do everything a SAHM does. I work part-time and I don't even do half the stuff on your stupid list. Grow the F_ up.

She expected to be able to put on this front of having a “ family” but wants none of the responsibility. She is mad that she has to do anything for her kid or spring the house like most parents or adults who work and still manage to do everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.

Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.

You need to have a conversation. If he's supportive of you working a big job and bringing in a big paycheck, then he needs to step up and take on more household stuff. If he's not willing to do so then you have your answer: he doesn't think you should have the big job. The answer can't be that you work a 60 hour a week big job, spend time with the baby and your husband, and then still work another shift doing all the household stuff. You won't survive it.

My deal with my husband was we "worked" the same hours. Then we'd both crash and share a TV show together at the end of the night. I'd do my real work while he did household work (from taxes to dishes to meal planning). Unless was really busy, we tried to stop at the same time every night. If he hadn't picked up more household stuff we would have never seen each other because I would have had to use any other time outside of work to do household stuff.

I did keep some chores (e.g., laundry, daycare arrangements, doctor appointments, etc) but tried to fit these into my work day or times when it wasn't taking time from my husband or child. For instance, I'd call and make doctor appointments during my commute.

OP: This sounds amazing.

[Anonymous]

why work to make more money and outsource your child? Why not work less and be with your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.

Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.

Op: Agree. Other than laundry and dishes and home repairs, all new work is child-related.

OP, half of those house chores are yours to do! That has nothing to do with the fact that you have a child. He is not responsible for all of the house chores simply because you work more hours than he does. That’s the thing I don’t think you quite get. Having a child didn’t release you from household chores.

Why are half of the chores hers? Because she's a woman? For millenia couples have agreed that men would work a big important job while doing less around the house while the woman did way more than. 50%. OP made the opposite deal with her DH: she'd have the big job and he'd pick up more baby and house stuff. It doesn't suddenly revert to 50/50 because he wants to guard his free time. No working parent with an infant feels like he gets enough free time. He needs to step up and do more. She's downing and he's protecting his free time. That's not the deal they struck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

Well, partly you are enabling him by doing this stuff for him. If you mysteriously had to leave for work or get more sleep to function at work then maybe he could handle it also. Don't be superwoman, let him in on some of this work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, welcome to the club sister.

You both need to do a household Admin one night a week each.
Read the family emails, both stay on top of things, both share the mental load.

Sounds like you have little kids and day care. So really the mental load plus bedtime routine/dinner is the main thing. He is trying to force you to allow him to do dinner executions for you to manage everything else. That’s not possible for any family. That stuff needs to be shared

OP Good idea. I’ll suggest that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

Sounds like he is doing great. He is capable of reading in the morning, getting the baby to daycare on time (fed, dressed) and is teaching the baby to play independently to boot. What’s the issue here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’ve bumped into the reality. Very few men are capable of handling all the responsibilities involved with raising children in our modern society. Is what it is. And children are especially challenging when they are little. Outsource what you can and slog through these early years.

+1 I'll repeat... most men should not have kids. They may like the idea of it, but when reality hits, they can't handle it, or they will put in the bare minimum effort, and say that the wife has too high standards, and he should be able to do things his own way, which again is bare minimum effort.

Who cares if it's bare minimum effort? Why does your child only deserve the bare minimum? Should your wife only give you the bare minimum sex, as defined by her?

You are an awful person, which is probably why you got stuck with a dud spouse.

This applies to some women too. OP is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.

Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.

Op: Agree. Other than laundry and dishes and home repairs, all new work is child-related.

OP, half of those house chores are yours to do! That has nothing to do with the fact that you have a child. He is not responsible for all of the house chores simply because you work more hours than he does. That’s the thing I don’t think you quite get. Having a child didn’t release you from household chores.

Why are half of the chores hers? Because she's a woman? For millenia couples have agreed that men would work a big important job while doing less around the house while the woman did way more than. 50%. OP made the opposite deal with her DH: she'd have the big job and he'd pick up more baby and house stuff. It doesn't suddenly revert to 50/50 because he wants to guard his free time. No working parent with an infant feels like he gets enough free time. He needs to step up and do more. She's downing and he's protecting his free time. That's not the deal they struck.

No, he said he would be the primary caregiver. Which he is, except for the weekends when she asked for more hands on baby time. He did not say he would pick up the house stuff!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

Sounds like he is doing great. He is capable of reading in the morning, getting the baby to daycare on time (fed, dressed) and is teaching the baby to play independently to boot. What’s the issue here?

OP: He is indeed so much better than a lot of men. I agree. The problem is he said he would do more before we had the baby and I trusted he would keep his word when I chose this job. He said he would prepare stuff / cook for the baby, find a daycare, call the daycare, organize back up care, sign up the baby for activities. And now he does like 5% of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.

OP: I’m complaining because he is not adjusting his pre-baby routine. He reads leisurely every morning. When the baby wakes up, he has everything prepared. He feeds him breakfast and dresses him then he puts him in his pack and play while he gets ready for work and then drops him at a daycare that is 10 mins walk away. For example he cannot fathom taking time away from his reading to prepare anything for the baby. He himself only gets ready in the morning after the baby is playing indepently in the packnplay.

You work 60 hours a week and don’t even see your kid during the week. Why aren’t you adjusting your routine to involve being there more for your kid?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have daycare already lined up so that isn’t an issue.

If you feel that he should make the baby breakfast, then stop making the breakfast. But then don’t complain if he does the organic pre made stuff. The point is that he is in charge of feeding, so let him do that. Drop the rope.

Babies don’t need activities - it sounds like you both don’t have the bandwith for that.