SIL is upset I did not punish my step daughter for being disrespectful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$25 an hour for babysitting for a teenager who isn't paying taxes, rent or feeding a family is absurd. Real issue is OP is using stepdaughter to parent her kids so OP doesn't want her to babysit and take away time from caring for her kids. OP is inappropriate in using this child was a babysitter.

If you don't want to pay the going rate for FOUR young children, regardless of the age of the sitter, you can have your "date night" in your living room. Simple.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If the girl is your stepdaughter you do nothing. It is up to her father (assume he is your DH) to address the issue.

There is no reason for a stepparent to get involved in disciplinary issues with a teen.

OP here. She is my step daughter but I love her as my own. I agree 100% with you. I do not get involved with disciplinary issues. That's her fathers responsibility.

The bold is what you should say to your SIL if she brings it up to you again. Your daughter was right to turn her down(so proud of her) BUT it was VERY rude of her to laugh in her face and walk off.

dp I think it is great she stood up for herself. $10 an hour for four kids is laughable!

A person can stand up for themselves without being a d#**## about it. SIL probably hasn’t gone on a date night in years and didn’t know what the going rate is. That’s not a reason to laugh at her, more especially given that she’s family.

SD was rude but maybe SIL is an annoying narc who deserves it. I think I’m right considering the insulting offer and the fact that she’s huffing about it still.

It seems like a big leap to call her a drug addict? Or a rat? I don't understand how you are using narc?

There’s a subset of people on this site who call anyone they disagree with a narcissist. And they enjoy shortening words even though autocorrect automatically fills in the rest. It takes more effort to type in “narc” just so you feel cool (it’s not) than to use the full word narcissist. It’s the same people who like to use words like merch for merchandise, pap for paparazzi, etc. It’s kinda sad actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$25 an hour for babysitting for a teenager who isn't paying taxes, rent or feeding a family is absurd. Real issue is OP is using stepdaughter to parent her kids so OP doesn't want her to babysit and take away time from caring for her kids. OP is inappropriate in using this child was a babysitter.

...you understand that the expenses of a person doing work have nothing to do with prevailing wages? That’s why I don’t get paid less than my assistant even though he has two children and I only have one. Babysitting in this area costs $20-25 per hour. For four kids $25 is normal. SIL is just greedy and embarrassed to be called out as cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$25 an hour for babysitting for a teenager who isn't paying taxes, rent or feeding a family is absurd. Real issue is OP is using stepdaughter to parent her kids so OP doesn't want her to babysit and take away time from caring for her kids. OP is inappropriate in using this child was a babysitter.

If you don't want to pay the going rate for FOUR young children, regardless of the age of the sitter, you can have your "date night" in your living room. Simple.

Doesn’t justify the snark. Simple.

[Anonymous]

If this were my child, step or otherwise, I would not have been happy at their reaction to SIL - the way you describe it sounds very rude.

I also don't think your step daughter should babysit four small children for $10 an hour but just saying "no, that's a lot to handle for $10 and hour" and leaving it at that would've been sufficient. Which is what your husband should tell her when he speaks to her about it. Teens have moments of no filter and this is a learning moment.

She should apologize for being flippant and everyone can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. To answer a few questions I am related to my SIL through my brother. My step daughter is from my husbands first marriage and she lives with us full time. I do not discipline her. On the rare occasion she has been grounded it was her dads decision.

In my area $25/hour for 4 kids is the norm. She could have charged more. She could probably charge me more for watching her siblings during the week. Seriously you don't pay those rates you are going to have a hard time finding a sitter especially on the weekends.

I was there when SIL made her low ball offer and my daughter laughed at her and made the charity comment and walked away laughing. I did not do anything because SIL offer was insulting to my daughter. Ya she could have handled it differently but I am not going to get on to her and her dad does not care. She stood up for herself.

My brother says she needs to apologize. I told him his wife needs to apologize for her low ball offer and trying to take advantage of my daughter because she is family. So we are at an impasse now. I asked my brother if his wife managed to find a babysitter for $10 an hour. He called me a smart ass and hung up on me. He knows I am right about this.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this were my child, step or otherwise, I would not have been happy at their reaction to SIL - the way you describe it sounds very rude.

I also don't think your step daughter should babysit four small children for $10 an hour but just saying "no, that's a lot to handle for $10 and hour" and leaving it at that would've been sufficient. Which is what your husband should tell her when he speaks to her about it. Teens have moments of no filter and this is a learning moment.

She should apologize for being flippant and everyone can move on.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the girl is your stepdaughter you do nothing. It is up to her father (assume he is your DH) to address the issue.

There is no reason for a stepparent to get involved in disciplinary issues with a teen.

OP here. She is my step daughter but I love her as my own. I agree 100% with you. I do not get involved with disciplinary issues. That's her fathers responsibility.

The bold is what you should say to your SIL if she brings it up to you again. Your daughter was right to turn her down(so proud of her) BUT it was VERY rude of her to laugh in her face and walk off.

+100

$10/hr for 4 kids? Anyone with kids knows that’s not the market rate and it really sounds like she was trying to take advantage of your daughter being family. I have 1 kid and wouldn’t expect to find someone for that amount.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter was rude. She could have politely declined and there was no need to be nasty about it. She shouldn't apologize for not babysitting, she has every right to say no, but she should apologize for the way she turned the job down because that was uncalled for and I would be ashamed if my daughter acted like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. To answer a few questions I am related to my SIL through my brother. My step daughter is from my husbands first marriage and she lives with us full time. I do not discipline her. On the rare occasion she has been grounded it was her dads decision.

In my area $25/hour for 4 kids is the norm. She could have charged more. She could probably charge me more for watching her siblings during the week. Seriously you don't pay those rates you are going to have a hard time finding a sitter especially on the weekends.

I was there when SIL made her low ball offer and my daughter laughed at her and made the charity comment and walked away laughing. I did not do anything because SIL offer was insulting to my daughter. Ya she could have handled it differently but I am not going to get on to her and her dad does not care. She stood up for herself.

My brother says she needs to apologize. I told him his wife needs to apologize for her low ball offer and trying to take advantage of my daughter because she is family. So we are at an impasse now. I asked my brother if his wife managed to find a babysitter for $10 an hour. He called me a smart ass and hung up on me. He knows I am right about this.

Actually, you are wrong. Your SD was rude and there was no call for that. You have no idea why your SIL offered her $10 but there are a lot of reasons that aren't offensive. This should be a learning moment both for your SD and for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t engage further. It was rude of her to suggest that price.

There are many people working much harder for less than $10 per hour. While your daughter is not obligated to accept that wage, she is also not entitled to be rude. It was not "rude" of your SIL to offer $10 per hour. Teenagers are pretty pampered and the wages have been driven up because parents buy everything for kids, so they don't feel the need to work.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I find the rate of $25 very high myself. I have multiple teenage daughters and they don’t get near this. So I think it’s a little of very high expectations on your daughters part and very low on the SIL. But, in our family we help each other out and my kids would have done it for free on an occasional basis. Totally fine for your daughter to turn it down and stick to her terms, but so many better ways to handle it.
I think you and your daughter are in the wrong.

Your step daughter in law does babysitting fir free? FFS people she’s not Cinderella

We’d absolutely babysit family members for free. And then I said if that’s not your situation, she’s free to politely decline.
No reason to be hostile and over aggressive.

Are you also doing the babysitting for free or is it just your daughter? I think it is wrong of you not to have your daughter accept anything from family members. In an emergency? Sure. But your daughter is going to be treated like a door mat and her time is worth something! Would you expect your son to do things for free ( fix a tire or whatever?) I don't think so. This is the continuation of unpaid work that all women are expected to do..care for children, care for elders, housekeeping, meal planning etc.

You are not treating your daughter well. My Mom had to babysit her siblings' children for free and she still grumbles about it many years later. The elder sibs never watched us for free! So please tell your cheap relatives to pay unless it is a real emergency!

Also, thanks for the lecture but I find it hilarious my son couldn’t babysit and he’d need to “fix a tire” in your example. And then you go on to lecture me about women’s unpaid work. Clueless.

We all know that girls babysit more than boys. I could have thought of another example but, I thought you would have gotten the point with any example. Sorry my mistake! Maybe other people got what I was saying. If your son was in this situation and reacted the same way as the dd than I think the reaction would have been different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the rate of $25 very high myself. I have multiple teenage daughters and they don’t get near this. So I think it’s a little of very high expectations on your daughters part and very low on the SIL. But, in our family we help each other out and my kids would have done it for free on an occasional basis. Totally fine for your daughter to turn it down and stick to her terms, but so many better ways to handle it.
I think you and your daughter are in the wrong.

Your step daughter in law does babysitting fir free? FFS people she’s not Cinderella

We’d absolutely babysit family members for free. And then I said if that’s not your situation, she’s free to politely decline.
No reason to be hostile and over aggressive.

Are you also doing the babysitting for free or is it just your daughter? I think it is wrong of you not to have your daughter accept anything from family members. In an emergency? Sure. But your daughter is going to be treated like a door mat and her time is worth something! Would you expect your son to do things for free ( fix a tire or whatever?) I don't think so. This is the continuation of unpaid work that all women are expected to do..care for children, care for elders, housekeeping, meal planning etc.

You are not treating your daughter well. My Mom had to babysit her siblings' children for free and she still grumbles about it many years later. The elder sibs never watched us for free! So please tell your cheap relatives to pay unless it is a real emergency!

Also, thanks for the lecture but I find it hilarious my son couldn’t babysit and he’d need to “fix a tire” in your example. And then you go on to lecture me about women’s unpaid work. Clueless.

We all know that girls babysit more than boys. I could have thought of another example but, I thought you would have gotten the point with any example. Sorry my mistake! Maybe other people got what I was saying. If your son was in this situation and reacted the same way as the dd than I think the reaction would have been different.

I can guarantee you any child of mine, male or female, who spoke to their aunt or uncle in that manner would be reprimanded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were my child, step or otherwise, I would not have been happy at their reaction to SIL - the way you describe it sounds very rude.

I also don't think your step daughter should babysit four small children for $10 an hour but just saying "no, that's a lot to handle for $10 and hour" and leaving it at that would've been sufficient. Which is what your husband should tell her when he speaks to her about it. Teens have moments of no filter and this is a learning moment.

She should apologize for being flippant and everyone can move on.

This.

Agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

You should be proud of your step daughter. There are instances where you try to decline more gracefully and other instances where you call people out. People like your SIL are used to low balling because they rarely get called out.