Reply to Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. [b]He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.[/b] [/quote]

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.[/quote]

And what happens when the kids are all gone?[/quote]

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties.  By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway.  Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.  [/quote]

+1 Also, you can save a lot of money in your working years if you have a decent job. I'm the PP who tried for 7 years to have a kid. I was 40 when I left my job. My kid is 13 and I don't plan on going back to work. For one thing, no one is going to hire a 50+ yo financial analyst who hasn't been in the office in a decade. Plus, my spouse will be retiring in a couple of years, so we plan on doing some traveling with our teenager before she leaves the nest. [/quote]

Whenever I see conversation on this board about SAHMs like they are lazy and don't want to work, I roll my eyes. I worked for 15 solid years in a high pressure work environment before having a baby. I became a mom and immediately realized that there was absolutely no way I was going back to that lifestyle, at my age, with a child. I know people who do, but I knew in my bones that it would make me miserable. I took a few years off. Now I work part time as a consultant. I set my own schedule and work as much or as little as I want (or need -- I can ramp it up if we want some extra income for something specific). I know I'm not lazy. My husband respects me for making good choices for myself and our family, and for prioritizing our family life over professional aspirations. He has done the same -- he has chosen a path that allows him to be home by 5pm every day and to never work weekends or on a vacation. There is nothing unequal about our marriage. We share all our money.

I am convinced that all the black and white thinking about SAHMs vs WOHM is driven by women in their late 20s and early 30s who still live in a fantasyland of what both work life and family life are actually like. You get to your 40s and you get really practical about this stuff. Most people (men and women) plateau at work at that point anyway. You stop thinking so much about short term work goals (the next promotion, or the next project or whatever) and shift to focusing on longterm financial goals, your marriage, your relationship with your kids. When I was in my 20s and 30s, it was typical for people to talk a lot about their work socially and to be very focused on it. In my 40s? We socialize with law firm partners and surgeons and people who work in the administration, and people almost never discuss work. They talk about their kids, their vacations, their latest house project, the book or television show they just watched. You can work or SAHM and no one is really going to care. Because what you do for a living really does not define you. Most people aren't even interested.[/quote]

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