Reply to sister just told me about disturbing childhood events

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like the timing/context of the declaration and a long and complicated history with your sister have impacted the way in which this information is being digested.

OP, you haven’t said much about your relationship with your sister beyond the the fact that you were in the midst of an enormous fight, and that she has accused you of being manipulative in the past. It’s unclear if these fights happen often, or if your sister has ever threatened no contact with you in the past, or if this was the first time and you had reason to believe she truly meant it - that you might become estranged.

If her perception of you is that you are manipulative, or you are prone to explosive fights, she may wonder if you are using this as ammunition, or to provoke a reaction, rather than a sincere effort to protect her children. All of these conflicting feelings may be making her head spin.

[b]But it doesn’t even seem like you have any issue with how she reacted - you don’t specify anything she did “wrong.” It’s understandable that she would want to understand and talk about it. You sound overwhelmed and like you’re in “fight or flight” mode, and what you’re really grappling with is how to handle your communication with your sister now thar you’ve  shared this very painful information.
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I think it’s fair for her to want to talk about it. It’s fair that she might react negatively to the fact that in the midst of an argument you might drop this bomb, knowing how it might land, but be unwilling to share more than the vaguest details. But it also sounds like your relationship is not in a good 
place, and you don’t trust each other.

Where are things now, between you? Is she reaching out? That is all very unclear, especially with the “OP perspective switch”, and will impact the feedback we give.

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OP again. Well, I do have an issue with how she reacted- she actually has sent me a couple messages now saying things like "you should have called me, you don't just say things like that in a text." As I have told her, she's right. I told her that her father was a pedophile in a text. I also know that was the only way I could do it and still feel safe and no, I am not sure we will speak again and I want her to be able to protect her own kids esp if I am not physically present.

Despite having carried this burden for 30+ years and my #1 concern having been - until recently -  the impact that it might have on the family I didn't really think in the moment, and know that hurts.

She is also telling me that she is sorry AND that since the moment she was born, she has experienced me as manipulative and as a bully. I'm opening to hearing that, but I honestly wonder where she is coming from (some of what she has termed as manipulative in the past are things that -- anyone -- would find really bananas).

What started this particular fight is something that is perplexing to me -- my saying I didn't really want to talk about how my parents swooped in and rescuing her for really bad financial decisions with her.

Basically, I am realizing that the family I grew up in, and maybe me, too, are even more messed up than I had let myself admit.  And, potentially more messed up for spilling this on an anonymous site. I am in therapy AND not really sure outside of my therapist whom I can speak with about this in real life.
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