Wife quit job without telling me

[Anonymous]

Just let your wife know that there is still a ton of boring report writing, even when you live and work in dangerous developing countries!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How I perceived this situation is that assuming the DW has been a responsible adult all along, it sounds extremely serious to get to a point where someone quits on the spot. It would take an awful lot to drive me there. I am reacting to the DW's "breakdown," as a PP said, as a much more serious thing than just having a bad day and impulsively quitting like a teenager might. Health care plans are important, but in this situation, they aren't completely without options, and the DW was probably aware of that. A spouse's mental health is also critical to the well-being of the family, and should be at the top of list of priorities, with as much importance as the finances.

As much as it is a crisis for a family when a job loss happens, if my spouse was at an emotional breaking point, I would have a hard time insisting they keep going back to that job. It would have to be the spouse's "unilateral" choice to stay or go. People experience job losses all the time for all sorts of reasons. It's a difficult but not insurmountable issue.

If you have an impulsive and irresponsible spouse, that's a problem you'll need to see a therapist about.

No one has disagreed with OP's wife leaving her job if she was driven to that point. What OP vented about and what most of us understand and sympathize with is that if this was building, she should have said something sooner about the stressful/harrassing/intolerable conditions to her husband and partner and they could have and should have discussed alternatives including her hunting for a job earlier or her quitting and how to handle the change of income, healthcare and balance. Based on OP's follow-up that they had a long discussion, he agreed that she should look for another job, she agreed that she should go back to her job until they can find a better alternative and he agreed that she should look for counseling to help her cope, sounds like she never mentioned it, just bottled it all up inside and then had a bad "straw that broke the camel's back" day and reacted completely unexpectedly. She waited until after she had resigned to actually say anything to her partner. That's the key to the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a mom with a son here and I get really scared for my son reading all these entitled posts!

No worries. You can land your helicopter and let him out after perusing the country for lazy women of child-bearing age.

Ha ha ha
I'll encourage him to find a wife who knows what being responsible means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Glad you are not my husband. He would have been fine with me quitting, taking some time off and then applying for something more interesting.

Sounds like OP is fine with it too, as long as it is planned. You dont spring that on someone if you cover the health care. Also, I'm guessing that you're in a financial position where if you quit your job and didn't have another one for a while, it would not make a signficant dent in your abilty to pay mortgae, healthcare, daily life stuff.

I did quit with a quick decision but my husband suggested it. It did make a dent, and my husband ended up getting a higher paying job to make up for the needed difference as he wanted me happier. They can get health insurance through his job. We live within our means in a smaller house than we can afford so it was a non-issue. If you cannot you are overspending.

Exactly. We have for the most part tried to live just on his income. When 2005 bubble burst many lost their homes because they had very high mortgage they shouldn't have gotten to begin with. Expensive SUV's etc. Many are still renting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. She announced her notice. They actually want her to stay but she's not budging.

Dear OP- I beliveve your wife can pay COBRA to continue on her current insurance for up to 18 months - please ask her HR people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - would it help if you find a babysitter for the kids for a week or so and you and she go plan an adventure?

I wasn't married when I came back from living overseas and traveling all the time, but I did come back to a situation where I had a lot less freedom (less money and less time) than I did when I was abroad. Sometimes I was ok with it, sometimes it made me despair that I was never going to have another adventure in my whole life. I realize this isn't a sympathetic way to feel - it's awfully privileged even to think that your life should have freedom and adventure - but it's how I felt. When I did jobs that I hated, and there's been a few, it got even worse.

Just having some adventure to look forward to might help, in the short term. Go somewhere exciting for a week. Even a weekend. Just something that makes your wife feel like not everything is going to be some endless routine from now on.

Sounds like you had a wonderfully productive and positive conversation about how to plan for her to find something new, too. That's great.

This is such great advice (which I also relate too). I thought no we all need to find creative ways to deal with mid-life longings and regrets. Maybe she does want to be a war reporter, but maybe that's just an expression for wanting more adventure in her life. Can she save for that? If you're game, go with her. If not, support her. I know you feel like you don't understand her right now, but support and creativity and patience will to a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, she admitted it was wrong to just quit, but she sort of had a breakdown and decided she was wasting her life. She wanted a career that is basically incongruent with our life (working in dangerous developing countries overseas instead of writing boring reports). I get it; I don't love my own job, but we have kids and bills and a life and choices we made. Sort of undoing a lot of things including selling the house, we are kind of screwed. I remember the adventure years. They were fun. We lived and traveled and spent 7 years before kids and our mutual decision to settle in DC and raise a family.

.

This is a little off topic, but I'm a mom and I don't find working in developing dangerous countries incongruous with my family's life. When you look at the likelihood of an aid worker being killed or kidnapped while on a work trip, it is really low. The likelihood of getting in a fatal car accident on the Beltway is higher. Taking 3 or 4 2-week trips a year is also not incompatible with my family's life. Add those things together...I can do the work I trained for and I really like. Sure, your wife might need to decide to work in Jordan rather than Syria, or Nigeria rather than South Sudan...but I bet she can still find a job with some of the things that turn her on about working in really fragile places. I have, and all the moms I work with (basically my entire organization) have, too. All the best to you both.

You are not OP's wife, and your risk tolerance for your family is not the same as theirs.

Guess nobody should contribute any relevant personal experiences to an online discussion with strangers then! Better to speculate about OP's family than actually provide information about working in a field of interest. We don't know their risk tolerance in any detail so I don't see why we should assume they aren't willing to look into options with any travel component for the wife's next job.

I am not a PP on this thread, so I'll not defensive, I think the policing is harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, she admitted it was wrong to just quit, but she sort of had a breakdown and decided she was wasting her life. She wanted a career that is basically incongruent with our life (working in dangerous developing countries overseas instead of writing boring reports). I get it; I don't love my own job, but we have kids and bills and a life and choices we made. Sort of undoing a lot of things including selling the house, we are kind of screwed. I remember the adventure years. They were fun. We lived and traveled and spent 7 years before kids and our mutual decision to settle in DC and raise a family.

.

This is a little off topic, but I'm a mom and I don't find working in developing dangerous countries incongruous with my family's life. When you look at the likelihood of an aid worker being killed or kidnapped while on a work trip, it is really low. The likelihood of getting in a fatal car accident on the Beltway is higher. Taking 3 or 4 2-week trips a year is also not incompatible with my family's life. Add those things together...I can do the work I trained for and I really like. Sure, your wife might need to decide to work in Jordan rather than Syria, or Nigeria rather than South Sudan...but I bet she can still find a job with some of the things that turn her on about working in really fragile places. I have, and all the moms I work with (basically my entire organization) have, too. All the best to you both.

You are not OP's wife, and your risk tolerance for your family is not the same as theirs.

Guess nobody should contribute any relevant personal experiences to an online discussion with strangers then! Better to speculate about OP's family than actually provide information about working in a field of interest. We don't know their risk tolerance in any detail so I don't see why we should assume they aren't willing to look into options with any travel component for the wife's next job.

I am not a PP on this thread, so I'll not defensive, I think the policing is harsh.

You either missed or ignored the post where OP himself that his wife agreed that having a family was incongruous to living in a dangerous country.

[Anonymous]

Start with a man and then take away reason and accountability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sort of reeling here, home on a snow day. My wife just announced she was quitting her job which provides our health insurance because she "doesn't like it and dreads going to work." When I asked why it's the basic office crap, office politics etc. I'd support moving to a new job but I am upset being thrown for a loop. We now have to scrape together insurance through my jobs awful plan. We have kids in daycare and before people ask, I do drop offs and pick ups. It's in my building. I'm taking a break and trying to collect my thoughts. How would you proceed.

Women hate working. You should have known this could happen when you got married.

[Anonymous]

We always based our bills on one income. People don't do this anymore. They live above their means in most cases. OP this seems to be your case, otherwise your wife should be able to take some time off to look for another job. Or have the choice to stay home with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always based our bills on one income. People don't do this anymore. They live above their means in most cases. OP this seems to be your case, otherwise your wife should be able to take some time off to look for another job. Or have the choice to stay home with the kids.

Should he have the same choice then? Without consulting her? Just on a whim put everyone in jeopardy by cancelling their health insurance?


Women who call themselves feminists but somehow feel their husbands OWE them a home and a "stay at home" status really disgust me.

Singed,

A true feminist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We always based our bills on one income. People don't do this anymore. They live above their means in most cases. OP this seems to be your case, otherwise your wife should be able to take some time off to look for another job. Or have the choice to stay home with the kids.

Should he have the same choice then? Without consulting her? Just on a whim put everyone in jeopardy by cancelling their health insurance?


Women who call themselves feminists but somehow feel their husbands OWE them a home and a "stay at home" status really disgust me.

Singed,

A true feminist

OP said he had health insurance, they can fall back on that until she get's a job. She continually told him how she felt about the job. That is when they should have cut back on their bills, and made changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm being real when I say this: you need to ask her why she was let go or fired and tell her you're not mad about that and can help her find a new job. She did not quit. Women with kids are not impetuous like that. They would not pull something that would so significantly affect their kids' well being for their own benefit. I'm saying this as a mom who knows tons of moms: there's a calculus we all run when it comes to making a decision. It nearly always means asking ourselves "how can I do this thing with minimal pain and discomfort or irritation to my kids and husband while bearing the maximum amount of inconvenience myself."

Big to small, we do this. It's why we run errands while the baby is napping or go out for girls night when the kids are in bed, or cancel a girls night without complaint when husband's work event comes up. It's just how moms are wired/ we do stuff for ourselves but we figure out a way first to minimize the negative impact for everyone else in the family.

She was fired and embarrassed to tell you but I really don't think she just quit knowing her job provides insurance and a much needed salary and is now unwilling to even discuss. Probe further.

X1000
As another working mom, this is very, very insightful & well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm being real when I say this: you need to ask her why she was let go or fired and tell her you're not mad about that and can help her find a new job. She did not quit. Women with kids are not impetuous like that. They would not pull something that would so significantly affect their kids' well being for their own benefit. I'm saying this as a mom who knows tons of moms: there's a calculus we all run when it comes to making a decision. It nearly always means asking ourselves "how can I do this thing with minimal pain and discomfort or irritation to my kids and husband while bearing the maximum amount of inconvenience myself."

Big to small, we do this. It's why we run errands while the baby is napping or go out for girls night when the kids are in bed, or cancel a girls night without complaint when husband's work event comes up. It's just how moms are wired/ we do stuff for ourselves but we figure out a way first to minimize the negative impact for everyone else in the family.

She was fired and embarrassed to tell you but I really don't think she just quit knowing her job provides insurance and a much needed salary and is now unwilling to even discuss. Probe further.

X1000
As another working mom, this is very, very insightful & well said.

Sometimes I hate being a woman.