SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless she almost died in childbirth and her baby is seriously ill that email is gross

No.

She wanted a natural vaginal birth. She was in "more pain that most" and had to have an epidural which spiraled into an emergency c-section. The baby was and is fine. She is not coping with healing from the c-section. I had a c-section, I know it's a bitch...

Baby has a tongue tie, the world is over. She took breastfeeding classes so thought it would be easy. Things didn't pan out who she planned, and she can't deal.

OP.
The more I read your responses, the more insensitive you seem to the entire situation. You do realize that having your child does not make you an authority on birth? Just YOUR birth. Your experiences in motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding, surgery = / = other people's experiences in the same.

You are minimizing everything about this woman is experiencing. And making yourself look more and more obnoxious in the process.

Seriously -- Why are you so salty?

+1. The more I read of this thread, the more I pity the SIL and wonder if OP isn't the very reason she sent out this email.

Ha. Me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the mom is a high strung person who had a difficult delivery. The best thing would be for her to chill out, formula feed, nd get some sleep. But in place of that she is trying to exert control by obsessing over visitor rules. Not that anything she put in there is by itself unreasonable, but put together it just radiates anxiety. Op just play along for now and do what you can to support the family. Sounds like she is having a tough time.

what? maybe BF will be easy, calming for her and baby, and a source of peace and comfort for them both? are you projecting?

Of course she is.

[Anonymous]

eh, give the woman a break. She just had surgery and is caring for a newborn. Forgive her for being a little cranky.

Just go, get a peek of that baby and leave.

[Anonymous]

There is an article floating around on facebook which talks about what a new mom really needs from family and friends and I thought it mentioned the same rules.

that being said i cant imagine asking people to bring food or do chores, that is unbelievably rude. And I let everyone hold our babies from the get go.

I do think if you are visiting a new mom, you should bring a meal or volunteer to do a chore. You should not hold the family hostage by staying over an hour and you should understand if all the mom wants to do is sleep or zone out while you are there. Or maybe the mom is craving conversation and wants to talk, either way, try to be understanding.

[Anonymous]

Man, I remember when I was a new mom for the first time, didn't know what I was doing, didn't seem to have any natural instinct for it, and sort of couldn't believe they were letting us take this helpless creature home from the hospital without someone else who knew what they were doing coming along. Then I had trouble breastfeeding, and that was hard emotionally because you can feel like you don't even deserve to be a mother if you can't even make enough or the right kind of milk to sustain your child. And you're not really sleeping.

I am sure that I have read other prime advising new moms to ask for help with food and housework whenever there is a visitor, and even to set limits on who comes and how long they stay. I guess you ladies don't do it (I didn't either, but then again nobody visited me without an explicit invite so it wasn't a problem), but it's not exactly unheard of these days. I don't think this email is that crazy given the advice I have read on other fora. Maybe you ladies think it is rude, but I wonder if you might be a little out of touch.

Finally, when I read this email I am mostly thinking that being a new mom can be hard, and we should all be generous to one another, and not catty bitches who spread venom behind the scenes like the pretty-on-the-outside-but-ugly-on-the-inside-and-dead-behind-the-eyes soulless husks that we watch on TV now. JMHO.

[Anonymous]

prime = sources

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the mom is a high strung person who had a difficult delivery. The best thing would be for her to chill out, formula feed, nd get some sleep. But in place of that she is trying to exert control by obsessing over visitor rules. Not that anything she put in there is by itself unreasonable, but put together it just radiates anxiety. Op just play along for now and do what you can to support the family. Sounds like she is having a tough time.

what? maybe BF will be easy, calming for her and baby, and a source of peace and comfort for them both? are you projecting?

Of course she is.

Yes, because how ridiculous that someone suggest formula feeding can be a godsend for mothers suffering from ppd who need rest desperately ... it is rigid "boob at all costs" thinking that has sent many a ftm into the kind of spiral that the sil may be entering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the mom is a high strung person who had a difficult delivery. The best thing would be for her to chill out, formula feed, nd get some sleep. But in place of that she is trying to exert control by obsessing over visitor rules. Not that anything she put in there is by itself unreasonable, but put together it just radiates anxiety. Op just play along for now and do what you can to support the family. Sounds like she is having a tough time.

what? maybe BF will be easy, calming for her and baby, and a source of peace and comfort for them both? are you projecting?

Of course she is.

Yes, because how ridiculous that someone suggest formula feeding can be a godsend for mothers suffering from ppd who need rest desperately ... it is rigid "boob at all costs" thinking that has sent many a ftm into the kind of spiral that the sil may be entering.

It is not ridiculous to suggest that formula feeding may help. It is ridiculous to assert, as you did, based on the little information we have here, that "The best thing would be for her to ... formula feed[.]"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the mom is a high strung person who had a difficult delivery. The best thing would be for her to chill out, formula feed, nd get some sleep. But in place of that she is trying to exert control by obsessing over visitor rules. Not that anything she put in there is by itself unreasonable, but put together it just radiates anxiety. Op just play along for now and do what you can to support the family. Sounds like she is having a tough time.

what? maybe BF will be easy, calming for her and baby, and a source of peace and comfort for them both? are you projecting?

Of course she is.

Yes, because how ridiculous that someone suggest formula feeding can be a godsend for mothers suffering from ppd who need rest desperately ... it is rigid "boob at all costs" thinking that has sent many a ftm into the kind of spiral that the sil may be entering.

what a reductionist perspective on OP's SIL's experience right now! So, if she feeds formula her worries will be over? She will recover from her traumatic C section and her DH will start stepping up? just cause it helped YOU, pp, doesn't mean it will help everyone! I can see a person such as OPSIL getting even MORE depressed at having to formula feed when she'd planned on bfing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the mom is a high strung person who had a difficult delivery. The best thing would be for her to chill out, formula feed, nd get some sleep. But in place of that she is trying to exert control by obsessing over visitor rules. Not that anything she put in there is by itself unreasonable, but put together it just radiates anxiety. Op just play along for now and do what you can to support the family. Sounds like she is having a tough time.

what? maybe BF will be easy, calming for her and baby, and a source of peace and comfort for them both? are you projecting?

Of course she is.

Yes, because how ridiculous that someone suggest formula feeding can be a godsend for mothers suffering from ppd who need rest desperately ... it is rigid "boob at all costs" thinking that has sent many a ftm into the kind of spiral that the sil may be entering.

It is not ridiculous to suggest that formula feeding may help. It is ridiculous to assert, as you did, based on the little information we have here, that "The best thing would be for her to ... formula feed[.]"

Seriously, at least give the woman a chance to decide this for herself. Bfing didn't come easy to me, I ended up pumping and being exhausted from it. Switching to formula was such a relief for me. But I totally understand a new mom wanting to at least have the chance to TRY bfing and see if it works for her and her baby. That 1st week everything is so new, you have no idea what will and will not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect op's family are dysfunctional and overstep boundaries. The letter op's sil posted is kind of a standard letter encouraged at various sites that deal with screwed up families.

If you believe the point of a visit with a family with a new born is to hold said new born, you are being inappropriate.

hmmmm
when i had a baby -- i figured people were coming to see, hold, and visit with baby. They already knew my ass.

Really? For our visitors the baby was a side show for the main event, catching up with the adults whose lives had just changed so dramatically. It's not like the baby is all that engaging or can tell you how the birth went or how things are going. They might be cute, but are very likely to be asleep most of the visit. Maybe they hold the baby for a bit, and coo...maybe they even hold the baby for a whole nap. But during that time they talk to their friends, the adults, who are the ones with the information and with whom they have a relationship.

Hmm..most of my friends see me on a regular basis and there was not much "catching up" to do, so yea, seeing the baby, A WHOLE BRAND NEW, CUTE AS HECK PERSON, was the main event. Plus, most of my friends were already moms and new the drill, and really did not think that after 35 hours of labor, an emergency c-section that i wanted to do a lot of 'catching up' navel grazing with some people I see all the time. They came, held the baby(there were no medical issues or illness in visitors ), offered to get me juice, etc. and then they left. While I understand everyone's birth experience is different, that email does not speak to the birth experience, it speaks to the lack of graciousness and manners on the part of the SIL. There is nothing wrong with needing assistance, but there is a way to ask for it that shows you are being gracious, kind and considerate of the other obligations of the parties being called upon. There was nothing of the kind in the SIL'S email. As my friend's mom is oft to say, 'I had a baby, I didn't drop my brains out of my ass"!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect op's family are dysfunctional and overstep boundaries. The letter op's sil posted is kind of a standard letter encouraged at various sites that deal with screwed up families.

If you believe the point of a visit with a family with a new born is to hold said new born, you are being inappropriate.

hmmmm
when i had a baby -- i figured people were coming to see, hold, and visit with baby. They already knew my ass.

Really? For our visitors the baby was a side show for the main event, catching up with the adults whose lives had just changed so dramatically. It's not like the baby is all that engaging or can tell you how the birth went or how things are going. They might be cute, but are very likely to be asleep most of the visit. Maybe they hold the baby for a bit, and coo...maybe they even hold the baby for a whole nap. But during that time they talk to their friends, the adults, who are the ones with the information and with whom they have a relationship.

Hmm..most of my friends see me on a regular basis and there was not much "catching up" to do, so yea, seeing the baby, A WHOLE BRAND NEW, CUTE AS HECK PERSON, was the main event. Plus, most of my friends were already moms and new the drill, and really did not think that after 35 hours of labor, an emergency c-section that i wanted to do a lot of 'catching up' navel grazing with some people I see all the time. They came, held the baby(there were no medical issues or illness in visitors ), offered to get me juice, etc. and then they left. While I understand everyone's birth experience is different, that email does not speak to the birth experience, it speaks to the lack of graciousness and manners on the part of the SIL. There is nothing wrong with needing assistance, but there is a way to ask for it that shows you are being gracious, kind and considerate of the other obligations of the parties being called upon. There was nothing of the kind in the SIL'S email. As my friend's mom is oft to say, 'I had a baby, I didn't drop my brains out of my ass"!

I agree that the email was pretty rude and not something that I would have sent myself. However, there might be a history of people over stepping boundaries in a rude manner and/or simply not respecting SIL. I would tend not to hold something like this against a new mother simply because she is exhausted, her body is still healing, she is taking care of a brand new baby and she is feeling vulnerable. The demands in her email are quite off putting - they really are!- but not all births are the same, maybe her birth and her newborn have been a lot harder than she thought they would be. Maybe this is her awkward way of asking for some assistance? I don't know but I would tend to give her the benefit of the doubt if only just this once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless she almost died in childbirth and her baby is seriously ill that email is gross

No.

She wanted a natural vaginal birth. She was in "more pain that most" and had to have an epidural which spiraled into an emergency c-section. The baby was and is fine. She is not coping with healing from the c-section. I had a c-section, I know it's a bitch...

Baby has a tongue tie, the world is over. She took breastfeeding classes so thought it would be easy. Things didn't pan out who she planned, and she can't deal.

OP.
The more I read your responses, the more insensitive you seem to the entire situation. You do realize that having your child does not make you an authority on birth? Just YOUR birth. Your experiences in motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding, surgery = / = other people's experiences in the same.

You are minimizing everything about this woman is experiencing. And making yourself look more and more obnoxious in the process.

Seriously -- Why are you so salty?

+1. The more I read of this thread, the more I pity the SIL and wonder if OP isn't the very reason she sent out this email.

Ha. Me too.

Agree. I wonder if the email ONLY went to the OP to keep her the hell away from the family during this time. OP just sounds so awful I wouldn't want her around me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless she almost died in childbirth and her baby is seriously ill that email is gross

No.

She wanted a natural vaginal birth. She was in "more pain that most" and had to have an epidural which spiraled into an emergency c-section. The baby was and is fine. She is not coping with healing from the c-section. I had a c-section, I know it's a bitch...

Baby has a tongue tie, the world is over. She took breastfeeding classes so thought it would be easy. Things didn't pan out who she planned, and she can't deal.

Wah effing wah. "in more pain than most". Hilarious!!! I hope she reads here

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of us who had c-sections and difficulty breastfeeding. I also think it's safe to say that most new moms suffer from exhaustion and incredible emotional mood swings. However, how many people do you that would send out an e-mail like this? Out of the hundreds of moms I know, I can't think of a single one. SIL sounds like a real piece of work! I can't imagine asking anyone- other than someone I hire- to do chores for me. Even if someone asked how they could help, I don't think I'd ask them to do household chores.

OP, I don't pity your SIL, I pity you for having this diva in your life. Hopefully you have sisters (or other SILs) who you can laugh with about this!