Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the person who lived with a relative when pregnant.

I slept on a pull out coach. I was asleep when they left for work. I was to have the room straightened up when they returned. I went to bed after they went to bed.

I did not need a bedroom. I had 5 pairs of sweats, 5 shorts, 5 tshirts, 2 sweatshirts (socks/shoes/underwear).

I think this was important. I was not going to get maternity clothes, this was not something to be celebrated.

I was not asked to be a maid or care for their kids. (I was dealing with an adoption agency and this was part of their advice.)

Also, I never, ever, ever gave up the name of the father. I did not want him involved. That could be like poking at a hornets' nest. Don't do it. Then his parents are involved. This is already a nightmare.

I agree not to get the dad involved! That baby needs a stable home and adoption is the way to go here.

Unfortunately this is how adoptions are later undone in may cases and the dad's family ends up with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

I remember this coming up when DCUM was just a list serve and had no forums. I laid this falsehood to rest then and I'll lay it to rest now. There is no law in any of the 50 states (and DC) that prohibit different sex siblings from sharing a room. There are only CPS regulations that prohibit non-relatives, over a certain age, in foster care from sharing a room. I don't know what trauma you experienced in your past that compels you to spout this opinion but it is completely untrue.

Well that's odd because when I was trying to rent an apartment in another state (not MD or VA), I was told by pretty much everyone that I could not rent a two bedroom because it was illegal for my DS and DD to share a bedroom because one of them was over the age of 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

I remember this coming up when DCUM was just a list serve and had no forums. I laid this falsehood to rest then and I'll lay it to rest now. There is no law in any of the 50 states (and DC) that prohibit different sex siblings from sharing a room. There are only CPS regulations that prohibit non-relatives, over a certain age, in foster care from sharing a room. I don't know what trauma you experienced in your past that compels you to spout this opinion but it is completely untrue.

Well that's odd because when I was trying to rent an apartment in another state (not MD or VA), I was told by pretty much everyone that I could not rent a two bedroom because it was illegal for my DS and DD to share a bedroom because one of them was over the age of 7.

Did you ask for a citation? At the time I did research, I had access to law library/databases. The only laws regarding different sex children sharing a room were related to kids in foster care or were required as part of the adoption requirements when adopting older children (meaning they were adoption laws, not housing laws). If you think about it, it makes sense. Kids having their own rooms is a recent practice of the affluent. If anyone believes there's housing a law requiring separate bedrooms for different sex kids in the same family then provide a citation and I'll acknowledge in a post that I was wrong.

There are, however, laws requiring a certain amount of square feet per occupant in rental properties. That may have been what led people to tell you your kids couldn't share a room.

[Anonymous]

OP, your first instinct is a good one. All the positive vibes and good wishes to you guys and your niece. One thing at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

I remember this coming up when DCUM was just a list serve and had no forums. I laid this falsehood to rest then and I'll lay it to rest now. There is no law in any of the 50 states (and DC) that prohibit different sex siblings from sharing a room. There are only CPS regulations that prohibit non-relatives, over a certain age, in foster care from sharing a room. I don't know what trauma you experienced in your past that compels you to spout this opinion but it is completely untrue.

Well that's odd because when I was trying to rent an apartment in another state (not MD or VA), I was told by pretty much everyone that I could not rent a two bedroom because it was illegal for my DS and DD to share a bedroom because one of them was over the age of 7.

Did you ask for a citation? At the time I did research, I had access to law library/databases. The only laws regarding different sex children sharing a room were related to kids in foster care or were required as part of the adoption requirements when adopting older children (meaning they were adoption laws, not housing laws). If you think about it, it makes sense. Kids having their own rooms is a recent practice of the affluent. If anyone believes there's housing a law requiring separate bedrooms for different sex kids in the same family then provide a citation and I'll acknowledge in a post that I was wrong.

There are, however, laws requiring a certain amount of square feet per occupant in rental properties. That may have been what led people to tell you your kids couldn't share a room.

I'm 21:36 on page 8. Public housing and apartment complexes sometimes have rules, and that's allowed. But OP owns her home; no one can tell her how many children she wants to have in each room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

I remember this coming up when DCUM was just a list serve and had no forums. I laid this falsehood to rest then and I'll lay it to rest now. There is no law in any of the 50 states (and DC) that prohibit different sex siblings from sharing a room. There are only CPS regulations that prohibit non-relatives, over a certain age, in foster care from sharing a room. I don't know what trauma you experienced in your past that compels you to spout this opinion but it is completely untrue.

Well that's odd because when I was trying to rent an apartment in another state (not MD or VA), I was told by pretty much everyone that I could not rent a two bedroom because it was illegal for my DS and DD to share a bedroom because one of them was over the age of 7.

A couple of things - there could be local ordinances that govern occupancy in a home - maybe not by gender but by number of kids in the bedroom or per sq ft. Also, if you receive housing assistance they may also stipulate some kind of rules on this. Lastly, it might be possible that landlords get to decide rules on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with a bit of an update.

Firstly, my kids DO share a bedroom already. The third bedroom is used as DH's home office which he uses regularly.

Secondly, Niece lied/misspoke/whatever. The boyfriend is not a boyfriend. He is a boy she met at a party and hooked up with. She does not know his last name. Some girl she barely knows met him at the mall and invited him to a huge house party Niece attended, where she met him.

Thirdly, Bro & SIL are not waivering on their feelings. They have refused to speak with Niece, blocked her on FB, closed her phone acct., etc. DH and I spoke with a lawyer who basically said we can force them to take her back but it will not go well for her. Based on what we told him about Bro & SIL, they will not treat her decently, they will not take her to doctor's appts, they will make life miserable for her and he foresees her running away multiple times.

So she can go through all that and THEN wind up in foster care or a group home for teen mothers or we can work out a way for her to stay with us.

Fourthly she is 19 weeks pregnant. She remains firm she wants to keep the baby. I feel like we've made very little progress towards solutions.

That's ok. You don't need to have a solution right now. There is plenty of time. Right now, just establish some basic house rules and enforce them. Her parents just found out. They are in shock. Will they chance their minds? They could. Don't just assume they will never speak to her again.

If she wants to parent her child she has the right to do so. In a couple of weeks, you can sit her down and let her know what this entails. Will she have to go into foster care if she can not move back with her parents? Will she continue to live with you ? What kind of financial assistance will she need to apply for? If she continues to live with you, do not expect that she can take care of the baby. Understand that you will have to provide a considerable amount of assistance in terms of baby care, help her take care of herself, financial help, etc.

If she wants to explore adoption, you can help her with that also but know that chances she will place are very low and that if she does the stats show that she will likely end up pregnant again in the near term.

[Anonymous]

^^^ huh? Why would chances be low that she could place the baby for adoption??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ huh? Why would chances be low that she could place the baby for adoption??

I believe the PP meant that it's unlikely the niece will choose to place the baby for adoption.

[Anonymous]

Well, the 15 year old niece who can't support herself will have very little alternative except to place her child for adoption unless her family enables her to keep the child by providing food, shelter and financial support. Were I OP, I think I would be working very hard in order to get my niece into some sort of group home for pregnant teens environment, instead of agreeing to let her reside as a houseguest.

I keep returning to this thread because one of my greatest fears is that my own impulsive, ADHD, FASD, incredibly immature DD could---in just a few years time---be OP's niece---despite all the efforts we make to try to ward against those risk factors. And I would imagine that given my child's background, and her "magical thinking"---she too would be like OP's niece in wanting to continue with a pregnancy and have a child.

So I keep reading, wondering what exactly one does in order to "reach" a 15 year old and convince her that she is in no way prepared to be a mother, and owes it to her unborn child to make decisions that are in the child's best interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I keep reading, wondering what exactly one does in order to "reach" a 15 year old and convince her that she is in no way prepared to be a mother, and owes it to her unborn child to make decisions that are in the child's best interest.

I think that's why it's so important to get her into a setting or with people who are living the situation. All the talk in the world is not going to "reach" this 15-year-old. She is clearly impulsive at best (sleeping with a stranger she met once and didn't know his name) and is going to have a hard time thinking through the reality of this.

Also, a group home will take responsibility for dealing with her parents, getting financial support from the (she is a minor), getting her into school, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

I remember this coming up when DCUM was just a list serve and had no forums. I laid this falsehood to rest then and I'll lay it to rest now. There is no law in any of the 50 states (and DC) that prohibit different sex siblings from sharing a room. There are only CPS regulations that prohibit non-relatives, over a certain age, in foster care from sharing a room. I don't know what trauma you experienced in your past that compels you to spout this opinion but it is completely untrue.

Well that's odd because when I was trying to rent an apartment in another state (not MD or VA), I was told by pretty much everyone that I could not rent a two bedroom because it was illegal for my DS and DD to share a bedroom because one of them was over the age of 7.

A couple of things - there could be local ordinances that govern occupancy in a home - maybe not by gender but by number of kids in the bedroom or per sq ft. Also, if you receive housing assistance they may also stipulate some kind of rules on this. Lastly, it might be possible that landlords get to decide rules on this.

While there are rules that allow a landlord to turn away a family of a certain size, if children are born or adopted after you've moved into a rental unit you can stay. They can't kick you out for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

I remember this coming up when DCUM was just a list serve and had no forums. I laid this falsehood to rest then and I'll lay it to rest now. There is no law in any of the 50 states (and DC) that prohibit different sex siblings from sharing a room. There are only CPS regulations that prohibit non-relatives, over a certain age, in foster care from sharing a room. I don't know what trauma you experienced in your past that compels you to spout this opinion but it is completely untrue.

Well that's odd because when I was trying to rent an apartment in another state (not MD or VA), I was told by pretty much everyone that I could not rent a two bedroom because it was illegal for my DS and DD to share a bedroom because one of them was over the age of 7.

A couple of things - there could be local ordinances that govern occupancy in a home - maybe not by gender but by number of kids in the bedroom or per sq ft. Also, if you receive housing assistance they may also stipulate some kind of rules on this. Lastly, it might be possible that landlords get to decide rules on this.

OMFG, will you people just start your own thread already??!?!?!?!?!
While there are rules that allow a landlord to turn away a family of a certain size, if children are born or adopted after you've moved into a rental unit you can stay. They can't kick you out for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the 15 year old niece who can't support herself will have very little alternative except to place her child for adoption unless her family enables her to keep the child by providing food, shelter and financial support. Were I OP, I think I would be working very hard in order to get my niece into some sort of group home for pregnant teens environment, instead of agreeing to let her reside as a houseguest.

I keep returning to this thread because one of my greatest fears is that my own impulsive, ADHD, FASD, incredibly immature DD could---in just a few years time---be OP's niece---despite all the efforts we make to try to ward against those risk factors. And I would imagine that given my child's background, and her "magical thinking"---she too would be like OP's niece in wanting to continue with a pregnancy and have a child.

So I keep reading, wondering what exactly one does in order to "reach" a 15 year old and convince her that she is in no way prepared to be a mother, and owes it to her unborn child to make decisions that are in the child's best interest.

I.U.D.

For the situation you describe you need to play offense as well as defense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the 15 year old niece who can't support herself will have very little alternative except to place her child for adoption unless her family enables her to keep the child by providing food, shelter and financial support. Were I OP, I think I would be working very hard in order to get my niece into some sort of group home for pregnant teens environment, instead of agreeing to let her reside as a houseguest.

I keep returning to this thread because one of my greatest fears is that my own impulsive, ADHD, FASD, incredibly immature DD could---in just a few years time---be OP's niece---despite all the efforts we make to try to ward against those risk factors. And I would imagine that given my child's background, and her "magical thinking"---she too would be like OP's niece in wanting to continue with a pregnancy and have a child.

So I keep reading, wondering what exactly one does in order to "reach" a 15 year old and convince her that she is in no way prepared to be a mother, and owes it to her unborn child to make decisions that are in the child's best interest.

I.U.D.

For the situation you describe you need to play offense as well as defense.

Not to side track from the OP & her needs
but to answer the pp OBGYNs will not place an IUD for anyone under 18, they can be forever damaging making children impossible in the future. That's why they are marketed to women who's families are complete. I realize plenty of women opt for them in their 20s & 30s but an IUD is not without risk. (I have one now but I also have two school aged children)