My kid is not smart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize that this is an odd post. And I feel odd saying that.

But here's the god honest truth: our daughter has always appeared to us to be just NOT like our two sons. Both our sons are whip smart-straight A's honors, AP, etc.

Our daughter is just NOT.

We've had her tested independently, the outcome said she has "low average intelligence". Then school tested her, and the result was the same: low average. it didn't surprise us.

So the news isn't awful-she's average, just on the low side of average.

Here's my struggle. First, I come from a family of above averages. My boys are above average. My experience is with school/academic focused lives.

I am totally and completely fine with her being low average (there has to be a spectrum, right? otherwise we would be all the same!)

But I don't really know what to do with her. its like I am raising an alien. She's 16 now, so I am thinking about things for her like will she go to college? (In my life, college was NOT optional. And my brain tells me no one can possibly support themselves without a college degree--can they??) She wants to go to college, but I worry...she needs SO much support from us now just to get through high school. How the heck will she manage college?

And then my mind wanders: how will she support herself in general? I try to ask her at times what she is interested in, what does she like, what does she enjoy. She also has inattentive ADHD, so that coupled with her personality, I know she wouldn't be able to do a corporate job. But at 16, she really has no clue what she wants to do. She knows she likes planning things (parties etc) but she isn't detail oriented, so things like event management would be a disaster I think.

This really isn't a post asking for opinions about what she could do for a career--what I am really asking is, does anyone else have a kid who just plain isn't that smart? And how do you approach dealing with them? I feel like my mind needs to open into other possibilities for her (other than the going away to college/graduating and going into corporate America track my boys will surely follow). But I don't even know what those other tracks are.

I'm feeling a little lost. She's 16 years old and I feel as clueless about her future as she does. And I feel horrible as a parent posting something saying "my kid isn't smart", thank god this forum is anonymous!!!!

What does she say when you ask her this question? Another question to ask would be "why do you want to go to college?" Is it because she thinks it's expected, because her siblings are going? Is it because she hears her friends talking about it? Does she just want the experience of it? If she is struggling to get through high school, I can't imagine that the idea of struggling through college classes sounds like any fun at all. A couple of my friends struggled badly in college. One finished with a LOT of help from her parents who were nearby and then did nothing with her degree. The other quit her junior year.

I would start talking about how ANY school after high school could be fun. Culinary school, cosmetology school, or even taking some fun classes at a local college (satellite campus or community college) in an interest area of hers. For kids with ADHD, it helps tremendously to find something that they are passionate about, because it makes getting through the more boring parts of class and homework that much easier. Until she finds that thing she really loves and wants to do, sending her to college might wind up being a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you homeschool her?

I think the reason your post is off putting is the attitude that people with average IQs are not college material, and can't be as successful as you.

IQ and success are not correlated once you are in the average or above range.

I think it may be detrimental to your daughter if you express your opinion to her the way you are here.

I actually don't think you should treat her college process any different than your other children. Going to school is a skill, being good at it does not help you with anything except doing well at school, it does not make you a better employee or employer.

You should google a+ schools for b students.

No, we have her in a private online high school. We considered homeschool but I personally don't think I could do it on my end.

Look, perhaps I am just not clearly saying what I am asking for and where I am coming from. I KNOW that having a high IQ does not necessarily mean success, and vice versa. All I am saying, is that my OWN personal experience in my OWN family is that when we got to the point my daughter is at (where we were deciding upon "next steps" after I was graduating from high school), I was in a VERY different position than I find myself in today with my own daughter. I was a student with a high IQ, coming from parents with a high IQ, with a future that was decided upon in advance. There was no question that I was going to college, the only discussions were about where I was going to college.

I find myself in the position of having a child who potentially may NOT take that route. Not only does she have a lower end IQ, she also has ADHD to complicate things. And she isn't a B student, she is a C student at best. And I am ill-equipped to help her, because I don't know where to start. We don't have access to a high school guidance counselor or career center to talk this all out. I don't even know if its okay that she does NOT go to college. All the statistics I read show college graduates making 50% more income than non college grads. it scares me to think she might not go, if that's the case.
This post is not about me being pretentious and being disappointed in my daughter. I am NOT disappointed. I am just unfamiliar with the territory I find myself in. I don't think everyone on this board is smart, not smart, or anywhere in between. Im just seeking out someone in my position who knows of resources I can use to help my kid.
I cant understand what is so offensive about this question.

You are a smart and capable parent. It was a good idea to reach out for additional help. I also think that you are just as capable of finding answers on your own by doing a little online research. We are a bunch of random strangers, and I'm willing to bet most of us went to college. I personally don't have experience with non-college routes. And yet I was able to post several ideas upstream on this thread. Are you really saying that you cannot think of how to guide your daughter, or be resoruceful enough to figure it out?

[Anonymous]

I know nice people in all of these fields that don't require tons of brains but talent and people skills: makeup artist, personal trainer, chef, hairdresser, early childhood teacher (don't kill me for that, but it's true), sales, marketing, social media, etc.

[Anonymous]

What does she say when you ask her this question? Another question to ask would be "why do you want to go to college?" Is it because she thinks it's expected, because her siblings are going? Is it because she hears her friends talking about it? Does she just want the experience of it? If she is struggling to get through high school, I can't imagine that the idea of struggling through college classes sounds like any fun at all. A couple of my friends struggled badly in college. One finished with a LOT of help from her parents who were nearby and then did nothing with her degree. The other quit her junior year.

I would start talking about how ANY school after high school could be fun. Culinary school, cosmetology school, or even taking some fun classes at a local college (satellite campus or community college) in an interest area of hers. For kids with ADHD, it helps tremendously to find something that they are passionate about, because it makes getting through the more boring parts of class and homework that much easier. Until she finds that thing she really loves and wants to do, sending her to college might wind up being a waste of time.

Well seeing how this is a 6 year old thread, your advice may not be very helpful.

[Anonymous]

I’m the oldest of 3 kids in my family and the only one who went to college and finished. IQ wise I’m definitely the highest of the 3 of us and I was always a top student. Went to a top 20 university on scholarship. I’m a teacher (low salary!). My sister is a real estate agent in a HCOL area and makes well over 500K on an average year. My brother is former military (now retired, at 42!) with an aviation related career. He has a pension for life and a full time job with good job security. So out of the 3 of us I make the lowest salary!

[Anonymous]

The military is a great place to get experience and get money for future academic pursuits. It’s an amazing thing to have on your resume. If not that, then Americorps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What does she say when you ask her this question? Another question to ask would be "why do you want to go to college?" Is it because she thinks it's expected, because her siblings are going? Is it because she hears her friends talking about it? Does she just want the experience of it? If she is struggling to get through high school, I can't imagine that the idea of struggling through college classes sounds like any fun at all. A couple of my friends struggled badly in college. One finished with a LOT of help from her parents who were nearby and then did nothing with her degree. The other quit her junior year.

I would start talking about how ANY school after high school could be fun. Culinary school, cosmetology school, or even taking some fun classes at a local college (satellite campus or community college) in an interest area of hers. For kids with ADHD, it helps tremendously to find something that they are passionate about, because it makes getting through the more boring parts of class and homework that much easier. Until she finds that thing she really loves and wants to do, sending her to college might wind up being a waste of time.

Well seeing how this is a 6 year old thread, your advice may not be very helpful.

Yep, and that's why we don't go digging up three-year old threads and post to them. PP should have started a new thread. I see I'm not the only one who didn't notice the date on the thread either. Thanks PP for dragging this one out of retirement!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize that this is an odd post. And I feel odd saying that.

But here's the god honest truth: our daughter has always appeared to us to be just NOT like our two sons. Both our sons are whip smart-straight A's honors, AP, etc.

Our daughter is just NOT.

We've had her tested independently, the outcome said she has "low average intelligence". Then school tested her, and the result was the same: low average. it didn't surprise us.

So the news isn't awful-she's average, just on the low side of average.

Here's my struggle. First, I come from a family of above averages. My boys are above average. My experience is with school/academic focused lives.

I am totally and completely fine with her being low average (there has to be a spectrum, right? otherwise we would be all the same!)

But I don't really know what to do with her. its like I am raising an alien. She's 16 now, so I am thinking about things for her like will she go to college? (In my life, college was NOT optional. And my brain tells me no one can possibly support themselves without a college degree--can they??) She wants to go to college, but I worry...she needs SO much support from us now just to get through high school. How the heck will she manage college?

And then my mind wanders: how will she support herself in general? I try to ask her at times what she is interested in, what does she like, what does she enjoy. She also has inattentive ADHD, so that coupled with her personality, I know she wouldn't be able to do a corporate job. But at 16, she really has no clue what she wants to do. She knows she likes planning things (parties etc) but she isn't detail oriented, so things like event management would be a disaster I think.

This really isn't a post asking for opinions about what she could do for a career--what I am really asking is, does anyone else have a kid who just plain isn't that smart? And how do you approach dealing with them? I feel like my mind needs to open into other possibilities for her (other than the going away to college/graduating and going into corporate America track my boys will surely follow). But I don't even know what those other tracks are.

I'm feeling a little lost. She's 16 years old and I feel as clueless about her future as she does. And I feel horrible as a parent posting something saying "my kid isn't smart", thank god this forum is anonymous!!!!

I've worked with some of the biggest morons you can imagine. The president of the country is an imbecile. What are you worried about?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for digging up this thread. This is my 11 year old daughter to a tee and I think about this a lot regarding her future. She has a trifecta of learning disabilities and adhd. She has slow processing speed, which makes everything harder for her than her peers. She works twice as hard to try to keep up. She's not intellectual or academic at all. Simple math is still difficult for her. She's not inquisitive. Her essays barely hang together in a coherent way without a ton of help. She doesn't possess age-appropriate analytic or critical thinking skills that her peers have. And you know what? That is okay. Some of this will come with practice and maturity, but she'll never think or learn on the same level as her peers who don't have these learning challenges. What does she have though? A incredibly magnetic, positive personality. She's fun loving and people love to be around her. People gravitate to her. She's got a ton of friends, she's a friend to everyone she meets, and she is quite possibly the most positive, optimistic person I know. I tell her all the time that this is a gift. It can't be learned in school or studied in a book. You've either got it or you don't. It's too soon to tell where she'll be able to go to college, since she's not even in middle school yet, but kind of like other posters said, I hope she can pursue a career path where she can harness the power of her personality. I want her to be able to strive for a four year college and with a lot of help, I think she can get there and then she'll need support once she's there. I look around at her friends and can tell right away these girls are all high achievers and will have no problem sailing through middle and high school to a great college--they're smart, studious, school comes easily to them, they don't have any learning challenges. It's going to be a much harder path for my daughter. I am hoping she can build up a great resume of other activities aside from the academics that will help her shine even though academically, that's not her strong suit.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation with my 13 year old son with serious ADHD and processing issues.

His father and I went to competitive colleges and grad school and worked in NYC for investment banks and consulting firms. We worked our tails off but we were able to achieve what we wanted with hard work.

We assumed we'd have the same path for our child (meaning they'd be successful and hard-working - not that our child would do what we did).

It's a tough thing. I sometimes think I'll open a business so that my now 13 year old can have a job he can't be fired from. My husband has his own company but the work is too highly skilled (math and science specifically).

But in the process of building our house recently, I realized that not one person other than the architect and engineer had much education, common sense or intelligence.

This is not a construction bashing thing - I know plenty of smart and qualified people but we unfortunately didn't get any of them to build our house.

My point is that these people do well with very little understanding of their jobs, poor social skills and no education. I want more for my child and I think he can do more than these people so I'm already hopeful about that - my kid is more capable (and so is your daughter) than people who are making well over $100,000 doing very little work and not doing it well.

Also, your daughter, (and my son) have some emotional intelligence. I'm sure you are raising her to be a good person and she knows how to communicate. These skills are perfect for sales jobs. Sales people are not always super smart. They are likeable and they learn what they need to learn.

I'm talking myself off a ledge right now because my son is having constant quarantine breakdowns and isn't doing any of his work.

Meds don't work for my child but they do for others. I'm hoping he will be better able to handle his ADHD as he matures. I just have to be hopeful.

I think we have the advantage of lots of tests for our kids. We zero in on what they are lacking. Nobody did that for our generation. We had lots of kids in our schools growing up who were a little slower and somehow they made it.

It's these new labels that are intended to be helpful but that can also cripple us with fear and make us think we are alone (we don't know a lot of successful people with these issues because they don't talk about it.)

Richard Branson has ADHD and he's done great.

Donald Trump has a long list of diagnosed and undiagnosed personality, intelligence and mood disorders and he's President. AND lots of people THINK he's qualified. So it's not just that he isn't smart - it's that he's fooled a lot of people.

Being smart isn't everything. My wise father always said, "It's better to be lucky than smart." Sometimes things work out better for some people than others. Let's hope our kids are the lucky ones.

[Anonymous]

Is she pretty? That will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks~

Her people skills are really really good already. She has a part time job as a hostess at a restaurant on the weekends, and really enjoys being around people ALL the time. She's really chatty, even with adults who are total strangers.

So while she does not have the intelligence, she definitely has other gifts...(and beauty, which honestly I know will help her out!-does that sound awful too?? lol)

She’d be great in sales. If she can manage to get a bachelors she sounds like a great pharma rep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will be fine. There are plenty, I mean PLENTY of low average people in jobs all over corporate America. Living in the DC area where people are so competitive and achievement oriented gives you a skewed sense of what kind of life someone should strive for.

Here are some career options that aren't super lucrative but that can be fulfilling and people I know in these careers have good and happy lives.

1. Is she fashionable and into clothing? There are careers in retail. I used to work in corporate HR for a large, well respected retail company. She could get into retail management. Most of the managers I dealt with there were low average intelligence. Sure, she will always have to work black Friday and the day after Christmas, but it isn't so bad.

2. Nursery School teacher, if she likes children. The nursery teachers I know are incredibly happy with their jobs and vary widely in range of intelligence. Some went to smaller regional colleges and some have advanced degrees from Ivy League schools. The one thing they all have in common is that little people truly make them happy and they love helping them meet developmental milestones and love teaching them how to socialize with peers. It isn't rocket science if you have good management and a strong educational foundation.

3. Dental Hygenist. Check out the median pay: http://www.bls.gov/ooh/healthcare/dental-hygienists.htm
She doesn't even need a BA, though, if your family has the means, she should certainly have one.

4.Property Management. I have friends from high school who work for property management companies in various sales and admin roles. They make between 60-75k and some are of low average intelligence and they are successful and happy. They will never be the big boss and they are ok with that.

If she needs a lot of support, find her a smaller college (not a party place though - avoid cities like New Orleans, Charleston, etc) where she will have individual attention and professors who will encourage her.

Some colleges to consider (that aren't too far from here):

Lynchburg College
McDaniel College
Goucher College
Lycoming College
Hood College

Np here. This is so perfect. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Sales. Can she memorize stuff? If yes, drug sales. (like to doctors, not on the street). I met a woman who sold books, for HoMiff I think, on a plane and she said she made 500K the previous year and she switched companies (and the things she sold) every two or three years b/c she just kept making more money doing that. I didn't think she was that smart and I don't think she was being disingenuous. She also told me her base was pretty low, 70K, 80K. I image it goes up and down but there's that. I also don't think marketing people in general are very smart but most of them are personable.

[Anonymous]

My in laws bought a bunch of rental properties for their asd/adhd adult son to manage. The first year or two of each unit they did the books and fixing up stuff together then let him do the books and find renters. They still have MIL doing the taxes. But values have gone up and he gets a lot of cash flow for doing nothing.

One worry is he marries someone who also does nothing to just enjoy the cash flow and sell them, thus killing the golden goose.... he’s 37 now, no job ever, a ton of disparate degrees.