My kid is not smart

[Anonymous]

I realize that this is an odd post. And I feel odd saying that.

But here's the god honest truth: our daughter has always appeared to us to be just NOT like our two sons. Both our sons are whip smart-straight A's honors, AP, etc.

Our daughter is just NOT.

We've had her tested independently, the outcome said she has "low average intelligence". Then school tested her, and the result was the same: low average. it didn't surprise us.

So the news isn't awful-she's average, just on the low side of average.

Here's my struggle. First, I come from a family of above averages. My boys are above average. My experience is with school/academic focused lives.

I am totally and completely fine with her being low average (there has to be a spectrum, right? otherwise we would be all the same!)

But I don't really know what to do with her. its like I am raising an alien. She's 16 now, so I am thinking about things for her like will she go to college? (In my life, college was NOT optional. And my brain tells me no one can possibly support themselves without a college degree--can they??) She wants to go to college, but I worry...she needs SO much support from us now just to get through high school. How the heck will she manage college?

And then my mind wanders: how will she support herself in general? I try to ask her at times what she is interested in, what does she like, what does she enjoy. She also has inattentive ADHD, so that coupled with her personality, I know she wouldn't be able to do a corporate job. But at 16, she really has no clue what she wants to do. She knows she likes planning things (parties etc) but she isn't detail oriented, so things like event management would be a disaster I think.

This really isn't a post asking for opinions about what she could do for a career--what I am really asking is, does anyone else have a kid who just plain isn't that smart? And how do you approach dealing with them? I feel like my mind needs to open into other possibilities for her (other than the going away to college/graduating and going into corporate America track my boys will surely follow). But I don't even know what those other tracks are.

I'm feeling a little lost. She's 16 years old and I feel as clueless about her future as she does. And I feel horrible as a parent posting something saying "my kid isn't smart", thank god this forum is anonymous!!!!

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice for you as my kids are 7 and under, but just wanted to say: you sound like a good mom. You are accepting her for who she is even though she doesn't fit the mold you may have expected.

Have you considered a conversation with a school guidance counselor, or a community college guidance counselor? It's possible you could speak to one on a "no names" basis just to get ideas of how other kids have found their paths.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

[Anonymous]

You should try to help her develop her people/networking skills. Eye contact, following up with people etc. Organization can be taught as well. Lists, internal deadlines.
She could get into customer service (think call center at insurance company) and then move up into management if she has people skills. Could she be an executive assistant? Dental hygentist? Guidance counselor?

Even if school is tough for her, fight for her to get an associates degree or even a bachelors from a community college. She can do it now while you have the time and energy to help her. Some type of degree is wanted now even to work in an office and file papers and answer phones.

[Anonymous]

Can you get her into any cooperative education programs where she can start to explore her interests and get a feel for the job world.

I would like into more hands on community college programs - that are more vocational in nature where she can do well and enjoy herself. If she wants to go to college - absolutely encourage and support her in doing that. If she doesn't then to push her into something you don't think she can handle is setting her up for failure.

Can she meet with a guidance or career counselor and start to explore her interests? That might guide what direction she heads next.

Another option is for her to work for a year and get a feel for what she wants to do. If she ends up going to school for something she is really interested in, it will be easier for her to focus and do well in it

[Anonymous]

Thanks~

Her people skills are really really good already. She has a part time job as a hostess at a restaurant on the weekends, and really enjoys being around people ALL the time. She's really chatty, even with adults who are total strangers.

So while she does not have the intelligence, she definitely has other gifts...(and beauty, which honestly I know will help her out!-does that sound awful too?? lol)

[Anonymous]

She will be fine. There are plenty, I mean PLENTY of low average people in jobs all over corporate America. Living in the DC area where people are so competitive and achievement oriented gives you a skewed sense of what kind of life someone should strive for.

Here are some career options that aren't super lucrative but that can be fulfilling and people I know in these careers have good and happy lives.

1. Is she fashionable and into clothing? There are careers in retail. I used to work in corporate HR for a large, well respected retail company. She could get into retail management. Most of the managers I dealt with there were low average intelligence. Sure, she will always have to work black Friday and the day after Christmas, but it isn't so bad.

2. Nursery School teacher, if she likes children. The nursery teachers I know are incredibly happy with their jobs and vary widely in range of intelligence. Some went to smaller regional colleges and some have advanced degrees from Ivy League schools. The one thing they all have in common is that little people truly make them happy and they love helping them meet developmental milestones and love teaching them how to socialize with peers. It isn't rocket science if you have good management and a strong educational foundation.

3. Dental Hygenist. Check out the median pay: http://www.bls.gov/ooh/healthcare/dental-hygienists.htm
She doesn't even need a BA, though, if your family has the means, she should certainly have one.

4.Property Management. I have friends from high school who work for property management companies in various sales and admin roles. They make between 60-75k and some are of low average intelligence and they are successful and happy. They will never be the big boss and they are ok with that.

If she needs a lot of support, find her a smaller college (not a party place though - avoid cities like New Orleans, Charleston, etc) where she will have individual attention and professors who will encourage her.

Some colleges to consider (that aren't too far from here):

Lynchburg College
McDaniel College
Goucher College
Lycoming College
Hood College

[Anonymous]

Stop limiting her before you even know what she's capable of the workplace. Social skills count for a lot. How do you know she won't be able to do a corporate job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks~

Her people skills are really really good already. She has a part time job as a hostess at a restaurant on the weekends, and really enjoys being around people ALL the time. She's really chatty, even with adults who are total strangers.
So while she does not have the intelligence, she definitely has other gifts...(and beauty, which honestly I know will help her out!-does that sound awful too?? lol)

shouts Flight Attendant to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who just gave a list of colleges and careers. Knowing that she is pretty and super personable, totally have her consider retail management. Also, what about the hospitality industry? Hotel and restaurant management. She could be a very successful customer service manager at a hotel, private club, etc.

[Anonymous]

There are no guarantees in life, even for the so-called smart kids. In our economy, kids are graduating from expensive colleges and they can only find low-paying service jobs. I think our schools should place more emphasis on learning a skilled trade. College isn't for everyone.

There is a huge myth that you can't support a family without a college degree. Some of the most financially successful people I know are not college grads. They are plumbers, electricians, mechanics, small business owners, real estate agents, etc. Often, the "good students" lack the risk-taking mindset that makes people successful. Not everyone is cut out to be a corporate drone.

I have one child in the AAP program and one child in general ed. The AAP child tests "smarter", but lacks motivation and self-discipline. My "less smart" child is a much harder worker, is more determined, and I think will be more successful in the long run. Intelligence is measured in many ways. Does your child have a talent for music, cooking, fashion, sales? Does she have empathy or another positive quality?

Look for the best in your daughter and help her develop her talents into a career. Based on your post, I'm willing to bet that your daughter is feeling your disappointment. Everyone is different. Let her choose her own path. Ultimately, she may end up happier and more successful than you or her brothers.

Check out community college programs. Maybe she could get a professional certificate in a program that interests her.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Posting in "special needs" because your daughter is of average intelligence? Lady, your kid sounds normal and actually quite gifted in some ways (beautiful, extroverted, social skills, born into a well off family). You need to dial back the judgment and hovering and let her take off as an adult. It sounds like you can afford to help her with college, so do that - focus on getting her into a college that she can graduate from and is a good fit. There is still a massive wage gap between college and no college. After that, chill the fuck out and let go.

[Anonymous]

my family is full of NM scholars, internationally known scientists, ivy-leaguers, and intellectuals. half of them are cool, but the other half of them are insecure, overly competitive, and not fun at all to be around.

i have one smart DD and one average DD. i don't think the smart ones have much advantage, frankly, in having happy or "successful" lives.

[Anonymous]

OP, you might be surprised by what she ends up capable of doing. I have an adopted brother who sounds similar: low average intelligence, plus some LDs. He struggled at a state college but made it through and now is doing incredibly well in a job where his empathy and people skills really matter. Some similar issues for him, in that everyone else in the family is a super-high-achiever, ivy league schools and tall that. But he is happy and making a very decent income for someone his age. Not everyone is going to be a rocket scientist, but i wouldn't asume your DD won't similarly be able to find a niche in which she is happy and self-supporting and contributing to th world...

[Anonymous]

PP - i'm counting them up, and i think i was overly generous in counting half as cool.

[Anonymous]

Just found this out about our DD but she is younger. I am still working on acceptance. Its tough bc like you OP we are a family of high achievers naturally.

As far as career, there are med tech options that might be a good choice. They really less on instinct and more on process often with checklists that are easier to follow and do well.

Lastly, encourage her to get medication for the Add and stick to taking it consistently.