My kid is not smart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Posting in "special needs" because your daughter is of average intelligence? Lady, your kid sounds normal and actually quite gifted in some ways (beautiful, extroverted, social skills, born into a well off family). You need to dial back the judgment and hovering and let her take off as an adult. It sounds like you can afford to help her with college, so do that - focus on getting her into a college that she can graduate from and is a good fit. There is still a massive wage gap between college and no college. After that, chill the fuck out and let go.

Sheesh.

I post here all the time. My daughter has ADHD as well as a pretty advanced autoimmune disease, advanced to the point at which we had to pull her from public high school, which I just didn't mention in my post because it really has nothing to do with my question. And how did you figure my family is "well off"? Well off compared to what? And what is "normal"? You've decided everyone who posts on this forum has "abnormal" kids?

I am not judging and hovering, I am asking for advice from moms in the same position as I am in. Every parent gets to a point when their kids are about to graduate from high school and they are trying to help steer the kids. In my position, I am just unfamiliar with steering a kid who is going in a different direction than I am familiar with/used to. As you have confirmed, my understanding is that no college equals really lowered chances of being able to support yourself. And I want her to be a strong, self supporting woman, not dependent upon a man (which, because she has the looks, would frankly be a pretty darn easy place for her to wind up). But I don't know that I am right about that. It could well be that without college, you can support yourself. That's why I am asking, I have no clue if my idea is based on reality or just what has been my experience.

I think you need to chill out. There's nothing to jump all over me about, "lady".

[Anonymous]

My brother found out the same thing about his daughter during neuropsych testing for another issue. My brother was a math prodigy and an academic superstar but his daughter was failing algebra at the time and had to leave her top private school b/c she could not keep up academically even with lots help at school and outside tutoring.

It took awhile but everyone in our family came to the realization that academics isn't everything. My niece is a delight to be around. Makes everyone around her laugh and feel good. People want to be around her which in itself is a gift and in many ways makes for a happier life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will be fine. There are plenty, I mean PLENTY of low average people in jobs all over corporate America. Living in the DC area where people are so competitive and achievement oriented gives you a skewed sense of what kind of life someone should strive for.

Here are some career options that aren't super lucrative but that can be fulfilling and people I know in these careers have good and happy lives.

1. Is she fashionable and into clothing? There are careers in retail. I used to work in corporate HR for a large, well respected retail company. She could get into retail management. Most of the managers I dealt with there were low average intelligence. Sure, she will always have to work black Friday and the day after Christmas, but it isn't so bad.

2. Nursery School teacher, if she likes children. The nursery teachers I know are incredibly happy with their jobs and vary widely in range of intelligence. Some went to smaller regional colleges and some have advanced degrees from Ivy League schools. The one thing they all have in common is that little people truly make them happy and they love helping them meet developmental milestones and love teaching them how to socialize with peers. It isn't rocket science if you have good management and a strong educational foundation.

3. Dental Hygenist. Check out the median pay: http://www.bls.gov/ooh/healthcare/dental-hygienists.htm
She doesn't even need a BA, though, if your family has the means, she should certainly have one.

4.Property Management. I have friends from high school who work for property management companies in various sales and admin roles. They make between 60-75k and some are of low average intelligence and they are successful and happy. They will never be the big boss and they are ok with that.

If she needs a lot of support, find her a smaller college (not a party place though - avoid cities like New Orleans, Charleston, etc) where she will have individual attention and professors who will encourage her.

Some colleges to consider (that aren't too far from here):

Lynchburg College
McDaniel College
Goucher College
Lycoming College
Hood College

Thanks for all this info! Funny you mention not to steer her toward a party college...her first choice right now is Charleston and her second choice is "hey mom, what is that college you told me about where the students put a cow in the lobby?? I want to go there!" Yeah...I can see her priorities from a mile away!!!! ha ha.

I thought about a nursery school teacher too! She said to me, "mom, you know I hate little kids". Um, okay....maybe not !!

Anyway, I am not so concerned about particular jobs right now. Im just trying to navigate where to look where she can get some kind of guidance. Since she isn't in school due to her illness, she does not have access to guidance counselors etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother found out the same thing about his daughter during neuropsych testing for another issue. My brother was a math prodigy and an academic superstar but his daughter was failing algebra at the time and had to leave her top private school b/c she could not keep up academically even with lots help at school and outside tutoring.

It took awhile but everyone in our family came to the realization that academics isn't everything. My niece is a delight to be around. Makes everyone around her laugh and feel good. People want to be around her which in itself is a gift and in many ways makes for a happier life.

OP and I totally agree. Like I said, I am fine with her not being an academic superstar. Im not disappointed. And I feel the same way about my daughter...she has other gifts. I do truly feel a little out of my element though, figuring out how to help her figure out what her path will be in the near future. Its a very weird thing to have a kid who is so different from you. it really does feel like raising another species

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks~

Her people skills are really really good already. She has a part time job as a hostess at a restaurant on the weekends, and really enjoys being around people ALL the time. She's really chatty, even with adults who are total strangers.

So while she does not have the intelligence, she definitely has other gifts...(and beauty, which honestly I know will help her out!-does that sound awful too?? lol)

Know someone like this...they went to hospitality school and now have a great job at the New York yacht club as manager of something.

Good looks and people skills can go a long way. Also many 16 yos suck a details. It wasn't something I learned until had my first job and had to face bigger consequences (embarrassment of misprint in company publication etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop limiting her before you even know what she's capable of the workplace. Social skills count for a lot. How do you know she won't be able to do a corporate job?

Well I don't "know" anything. Im guessing, having spent 30 years in corporate America. She wouldn't have lasted a day in any jobs I have been in.
But, she has maturing to do still, so who knows.

[Anonymous]

I was off put by the SN posting as well, except that the post mentioned ADHD, so I got over it. What I'm more offended by is the presumption that none of the OP's overachieving family- or none of the DCUM responders - could possibly be of low-average intelligence. Guess what, the law of averages suggests otherwise.

In my own family growing up as one of three kids, one kid tested gifted and went Ivy; other two didn't. Everyone struggled along the way; everyone today has an advanced degrees, successful careers and happy lives. The last part is really all that matters, and there is no IQ test required for happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks~

Her people skills are really really good already. She has a part time job as a hostess at a restaurant on the weekends, and really enjoys being around people ALL the time. She's really chatty, even with adults who are total strangers.

So while she does not have the intelligence, she definitely has other gifts...(and beauty, which honestly I know will help her out!-does that sound awful too?? lol)

Know someone like this...they went to hospitality school and now have a great job at the New York yacht club as manager of something.

Good looks and people skills can go a long way. Also many 16 yos suck a details. It wasn't something I learned until had my first job and had to face bigger consequences (embarrassment of misprint in company publication etc).

See now, I can totally see her doing something like this!! And I agree about looks and people skills. I'd trade in my smarts and looks for hers in a second. No joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you might be surprised by what she ends up capable of doing. I have an adopted brother who sounds similar: low average intelligence, plus some LDs. He struggled at a state college but made it through and now is doing incredibly well in a job where his empathy and people skills really matter. Some similar issues for him, in that everyone else in the family is a super-high-achiever, ivy league schools and tall that. But he is happy and making a very decent income for someone his age. Not everyone is going to be a rocket scientist, but i wouldn't asume your DD won't similarly be able to find a niche in which she is happy and self-supporting and contributing to th world...

Okay here we go, this is what I am looking for!! SO can you tell me, do you know how your adopted brother navigated his options when he was about to graduate high school? How did he decide between college/no college/community college/working, taking a year off, etc...did he use school guidance counselors, or talk to people at colleges, or what?
This is my point, I just don't know where to go to look. I come from a long line of educator parents (teachers and professors) and siblings who just knew the path that was required from the age of about 5!!! It wasn't a question, it was a given.

[Anonymous]

Support her in any way you can.you seemed to be worried about her ability to make money (corporate job you mentioned), why don't you just let her get a job she likes and let her do it well.Help her by saving for her retirement yourself.Leave you Roth to her if you have one or open one for her.

[Anonymous]

You're smart to figure out what is best for your daughter. Smart people fail every day because of choices that were not right for them, intelligence or not. The right fit is key to success in life. There are plenty of happy people who have less than glamorous jobs all over the DC area -- managers of stores and restaurants, owners of lawn services, etc. Maybe find a career counselor and start having your daughter take some tests to narrow down what she likes and might be good at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was off put by the SN posting as well, except that the post mentioned ADHD, so I got over it. What I'm more offended by is the presumption that none of the OP's overachieving family- or none of the DCUM responders - could possibly be of low-average intelligence. Guess what, the law of averages suggests otherwise.

In my own family growing up as one of three kids, one kid tested gifted and went Ivy; other two didn't. Everyone struggled along the way; everyone today has an advanced degrees, successful careers and happy lives. The last part is really all that matters, and there is no IQ test required for happiness.

Okay, just in case you aren't reading previous posts, I didn't include all of the information about my daughter. She has a disease, she is most certainly special needs over and above her ADHD. Not that I wouldn't consider her special needs if her ONLY issue was ADHD. But she has multiple physical illnesses related to her disease. I hope you aren't "put off" anymore.

As to what you are MORE put off by, I am not making a presumption about my family. My family happens to run very high on the IQ scores. It is what it is. And I made absolutely no presumption that DCUM responders were of any particular intelligence. What I asked was advice from people in my position. My thought was that of all the many DCUM readers, surely someone was in my shoes.

[Anonymous]

Flight attendant sounds like a great option. I always thought that's something I would have enjoyed myself if I hadn't gone to college. Don't know if she enjoys working with her hands at all but maybe also something in the beauty industry (aesthetician, hair dresser, etc)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks~

Her people skills are really really good already. She has a part time job as a hostess at a restaurant on the weekends, and really enjoys being around people ALL the time. She's really chatty, even with adults who are total strangers.

So while she does not have the intelligence, she definitely has other gifts...(and beauty, which honestly I know will help her out!-does that sound awful too?? lol)

I grew up in a blue collar community. Stuff that young women who weren't cut out for school, but had good people skills did -- EMT (who eventually went on to be a paramedic), hair dresser (who went on to own her own salon), secretary, dance teacher, nanny, daycare worker (who went on to manage the entire daycare), police officer, probation officer, drug/alcohol counselor, lawn business, cleaning business, photographer (who went on to own her own photography business doing weddings and such).

A four year degree isn't for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks~

Her people skills are really really good already. She has a part time job as a hostess at a restaurant on the weekends, and really enjoys being around people ALL the time. She's really chatty, even with adults who are total strangers.

So while she does not have the intelligence, she definitely has other gifts...(and beauty, which honestly I know will help her out!-does that sound awful too?? lol)

I grew up in a blue collar community. Stuff that young women who weren't cut out for school, but had good people skills did -- EMT (who eventually went on to be a paramedic), hair dresser (who went on to own her own salon), secretary, dance teacher, nanny, daycare worker (who went on to manage the entire daycare), police officer, probation officer, drug/alcohol counselor, lawn business, cleaning business, photographer (who went on to own her own photography business doing weddings and such).

A four year degree isn't for everyone.

I also know a bunch of people who went in the military.