Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

I can’t imagine your husband or kids care to listen to anything you have to say at this point, or even to be around you.

If you don’t want to be treated like a controlling harpy, you need to stop acting like a controlling harpy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Based on your limited experience of 1 who doesn't seem to like you much? Did you have a shotgun wedding? Why did you rush into a marriage with someone you couldn't be bothered to get to know?

R u asking OP’s husband why he doesn’t do basic things correctly for his loved ones?

No worries, OP is a troll and did 75% of the posts in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make between one and three dishes and have them sitting on the cooktop. Everyone gets their plate, takes what they want, gets a fork and something to drink and takes it to the table. The only thing I put on the table is cut up fruit in a bowl.
Does this bother my husband? Yes. He grew up in a family where the table was set and the meat-and-potato food was all plated and set before him by Mom. But he’s used to my ways and he’s certainly not going to start cooking and setting the table.
So I think if this matters to you, you’ll have to do it or teach your kids to do it.

Same. My husband doesn’t notice that he mom is all about many Serving Platters every meal and we’re not.

That said, he’s knows how to set the table with cutlery on the correct side and the glass.

What is the correct side of the glass, who decided, and why? And is it the same for right and left handed diners? Why or why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Based on your limited experience of 1 who doesn't seem to like you much? Did you have a shotgun wedding? Why did you rush into a marriage with someone you couldn't be bothered to get to know?

R u asking OP’s husband why he doesn’t do basic things correctly for his loved ones?

No worries, OP is a troll and did 75% of the posts in this thread.

What things? OP has listed 1. You have developed a whole narrative of things in your mind he has or hasn't done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make between one and three dishes and have them sitting on the cooktop. Everyone gets their plate, takes what they want, gets a fork and something to drink and takes it to the table. The only thing I put on the table is cut up fruit in a bowl.
Does this bother my husband? Yes. He grew up in a family where the table was set and the meat-and-potato food was all plated and set before him by Mom. But he’s used to my ways and he’s certainly not going to start cooking and setting the table.
So I think if this matters to you, you’ll have to do it or teach your kids to do it.

Same. My husband doesn’t notice that he mom is all about many Serving Platters every meal and we’re not.

That said, he’s knows how to set the table with cutlery on the correct side and the glass.

What is the correct side of the glass, who decided, and why? And is it the same for right and left handed diners? Why or why not?

The glass goes on the right side. Above the knife.

I don’t know who decided. It doesn’t matter.

It is the same for everyone.

The reason is so that you don’t accidentally drink out of someone else’s glass at a sit down dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey folks?!

What’s more disrespectful?

Always doing the opposite of what your roommate asks you to do OR getting upset when your roommate lets you down again and again?

Gaslighting your roommate when you fail to do basic things right OR Then calling you out


Telling someone who’s a slob and gaslighter that they’re difficult to live with. OR Name calling and going off unhinged on a total stranger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting yourself be "driven nuts" by such a minor thing seems like a problem that needs addressing. No adult should be so emotionally fragile. Are you in therapy?

You need therapy; you keep pretending this is a one-off isolated incident.

That tells us everything we need to know about living with you.

It's true. What you know about living with me is that when there's a little thing that matters to me, but not my spouse, I take care of it rather than forcing other people to do so. My spouse grew up in a house where they left the living room lights on all night. I don't like that, so I make sure the lights are off before bed. That sounds like a dream compared to going crazy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make between one and three dishes and have them sitting on the cooktop. Everyone gets their plate, takes what they want, gets a fork and something to drink and takes it to the table. The only thing I put on the table is cut up fruit in a bowl.
Does this bother my husband? Yes. He grew up in a family where the table was set and the meat-and-potato food was all plated and set before him by Mom. But he’s used to my ways and he’s certainly not going to start cooking and setting the table.
So I think if this matters to you, you’ll have to do it or teach your kids to do it.

Same. My husband doesn’t notice that he mom is all about many Serving Platters every meal and we’re not.

That said, he’s knows how to set the table with cutlery on the correct side and the glass.

What is the correct side of the glass, who decided, and why? And is it the same for right and left handed diners? Why or why not?

The glass goes on the right side. Above the knife.

I don’t know who decided. It doesn’t matter.

It is the same for everyone.

The reason is so that you don’t accidentally drink out of someone else’s glass at a sit down dinner.

So the important thing by that logic is that the glass is on the *same* side for all place settings, isn’t it? Right or left doesn’t actually matter.

In my family, we actually all have our own glasses that are different colors, so we could put them in the middle of the table and there would be no accidental sippage out of the wrong one!

IOW, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

It makes a difference when you're a non-table setter raised by non-table setters and your spouse decides (after having children) that table-setting should be important to you.

[Anonymous]

This is dumb AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually have the same problem. After 26 years, DH still puts the napkin on the right with the knife and spoon on it and it drives me crazy. But I just change it and don’t make a federal case out of it.

Why is that a problem?

Because Princess is putting on airs acting like Tuesday supper is a State Dinner.

The rules of etiquette are the same everywhere. There is not one set of rules for Tuesday supper and a completely different one for a State Dinner.

I think this is comforting for kids. It can bring a sense of normalcy even in extreme situations. Ma Ingalls made sure that the girls set the table correctly out on the frontier. So did the Girl Guide leaders at the Weixian Internment Camp during WWII.

Establishing routines and patterns that can be followed in any situation makes difficult things psychologically easier to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

If he’s like this for most things the family and household need, he’s terrible.

Don’t bother staying married to someone this negligent, he doesn’t care and he won’t grow up. You will be carrying his bad habits and deadweight forever. He’ll try to dump on his daughters too. Get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually have the same problem. After 26 years, DH still puts the napkin on the right with the knife and spoon on it and it drives me crazy. But I just change it and don’t make a federal case out of it.

Why is that a problem?

Because Princess is putting on airs acting like Tuesday supper is a State Dinner.

The rules of etiquette are the same everywhere. There is not one set of rules for Tuesday supper and a completely different one for a State Dinner.

I think this is comforting for kids. It can bring a sense of normalcy even in extreme situations. Ma Ingalls made sure that the girls set the table correctly out on the frontier. So did the Girl Guide leaders at the Weixian Internment Camp during WWII.

Establishing routines and patterns that can be followed in any situation makes difficult things psychologically easier to handle.

Where do the chopsticks go in your grand table settings?