Mom chose vacation over childcare with no notice - am I wrong to be upset?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Gradma quit.
All of those kids are your responsibility… Go pay for daycare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few pages back you wrote that your mother had six kids. Is she expected to watch ALL of her grandkids, or just yours?

What if one of your siblings needs her for fill-time care? Will you give up your free childcare for your sibling, since I assume your mother is obligated to help all of her grandkids?

Yea, she’s expected to watch all the grandkids, but she only watches mine and my 10 year old niece who’s homeschooled, regularly during the week. If one of my siblings needed full-time care, she’d watch theirs at the same time as mine, no problem.

Here’s how I know you’re a troll:

She’s “expected” to watch all the grandkids?

No, she is overly gracious and willingly assists you with the children you brought into this world.

She does this out of love and not obligation because there is no obligation.

I can’t imagine anybody would be so grossly entitled as to think their mother owes them childcare. And so: troll.

Yes, in our family it’s normal for grandparents to help with their grandkids. If having my mom watch our children makes us “entitled,” then wouldn’t that imply that she’d be entitled for expecting us to care for her when she needs it? It goes both ways—it’s not one-sided.

In my family, children aren’t seen as a burden, so no one views this as “free childcare.” It’s just part of being a family. For example, my brother-in-law left his three-year-old twins with us last week so he and his wife could take a spring break trip. We made it work without complaining or refusing—that’s just what we do for each other.

My mom isn’t resentful or overwhelmed caring for her grandkids; if anything, she’d be bored without it. She genuinely enjoys being involved in their lives. Like I said before, my MIL will also be babysitting my kids regularly from now on, so responsibilities would be fairly split.

I also find it confusing that so many parents say they don’t have a “village” to rely on, yet arrangements like this are sometimes criticized. This is exactly what having a supportive family network looks like.

There’s a difference between having a village and a abusing a village. I have a village and I use it sporadically, and I am extremely grateful and respectful when I do. I had the children and therefore I figure it is my responsibility to care for them without placing that burden unevenly on someone else. My mother already put in her time raising me. She shouldn’t have to put in full time raising my children.

As others have noted there are strong cultural differences that shape our views on this. I have a pretty similar attitude to you, FWIW, but know other families that are much more interdependent and it's just considered normal for the grandparents to care for the kids and then in turn for the grandparents in turn to be cared for by the kids/grandkids rather than farming out childcare/eldercare like most of us Americans do.

[Anonymous]

Obvs you can't have unpredictable child care. Time to put them in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

lol

[Anonymous]

What you should "expect" is unimportant. It happened. It could and likely will happen again. Your expectations are not sustainable. Stop wasting energy on "who's right" vs "who's wrong". It just is. Have alternate plans in place. This has been an odd arrangement from the start -- it was not going to last. It was not going to continue.

[Anonymous]

This is why I refused to even consider having a relative provide childcare!

1. The problem is that you and your spouse have professional jobs and the relative does not.

2. No matter how much the relative insists they just must watch the kids, it’s a lot of work without compensation. You will never know what they expect in terms of gratitude.

3. They will double down on how awful it is to have someone other than them watch the kids making you more nervous about getting normal childcare.

4. A good nanny will follow your instructions, a relative will not and will probably take offense at being given instructions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be feeling taken for granted.

This. Are you paying her or is she doing this for free? You have some nerve.

[Anonymous]

Free help costs more than paid help. Lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Free help costs more than paid help. Lesson learned.

Uhm, the only lesson that should have been learned is that you shouldn't abuse your elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't seen OP answer the "is she paid?" question.

I'll also say that if you were two working parents of four young children who used daycare, you would have many many days when one of you needed to take leave. Because kids in daycare get sick a lot, and they don't do it on a schedule.

My guess is that using your mom like this has meant that you haven't needed to do that nearly as much, both because your kids are probably sick less often because they aren't in group care, and because your mom probably has lower standards for when she requires them to stay home.

Given that, you can use some of the time you hopefully saved.

No, she isn’t paid directly for childcare. She doesn’t expect it. Out of love and kindness, we do give her gifts.

lol

OP is getting what she paid for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be feeling taken for granted.

This.

[Anonymous]

I stopped reading at the first sentence. Hire a freaking nanny. Parents who rely on their parents for childcare are immature, selfish and lame.

[Anonymous]

My sis in law did this with my in laws. She never actually asked, just assumed they'd watch her kids, and she never paid them (they asked for $100 a week, basically nothing).

My FIL had just retired and was the primary carer until his death, then my MIL from her retirement to her death (both died in their 60s). As a result the in laws often canceled vacations to see us (we live out of state). We'd come down to visit and my son almost never got any one on one time with his grandparents. If we were doing an outing, she'd drop off her kids and we ended up watching them.

At the time she was diagnosed with cancer my MIL was literally making plans to move away. She couldn't stand up to sis in law directly so her plan was to just move back to her hometown. But then she had one of those aggressive cancers that went from diagnosis to hospice in a month.

Now I acknowledge this was my in law's lack of boundaries. My sis in law is a bit unstable and would blow up all the time. She's managed to find care since MIL's death.

[Anonymous]

Do you plan to take care of your grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Obviously she's sick of you using her like free help so she's pushing back. You seriously can't be surprised?